Chapter 16
Peter never thought he would miss school. It’s only the first week into his vacation and he already misses having something to do with his days. It’s funny, he hates school when he’s there, but as soon as he gets a break he wants to go back. Now, it’s not like he misses any of the work or anything, just having a big chunk of his time accounted for. Without that, he doesn’t really know what to do. He still feels exhausted almost constantly (when will that go away?) but he needs something to do. Every option seems terrible though. He doesn’t want to do anything, it all just seems too boring and uninteresting. He racks his mind for something - anything to do, and the only thing he can think of is to go to the library. He used to like going there for a break cause it took so long to get there and back that he didn’t really have to spend much time studying, it was relaxing. He puts some random textbooks into his bag and leaves his room.
He can hear Tony and Pepper talking in the kitchen, and as he steps inside they both turn to him. He can see Tony eyeing his backpack before looking at him.
“Where are you going?” Pepper asks.
“I was gonna go to the library,” Peter responds.
“Oh that’s a good idea. I always found changing my study spot every once in a while helped me focus better,” Pepper smiles at him.
“Yeah, me too.”
“I’ll call Happy,” Tony says.
“No, that’s okay. I like taking the subway.”
“Really? Happy wouldn’t mind at all you know.”
“Yeah, I’m sure. Thank you though.”
“Okay. What time do you think you’ll be done? I can have Happy pick you up.”
“I’m not sure, I’ll text,” Peter replies.
“Okay, have fun, and text anytime, okay?” Tony says, giving him a smile.
“I will,” Peter weakly smiles back.
“See you later Peter!” Pepper calls behind him as he starts getting his coat and shoes on.
“See you guys later,” Peter calls back before stepping into the elevator.
The street felt cold, but Peter found it refreshing more than anything. He takes a deep breath in and it burns his lungs. He doesn’t really want to go to the library, he just wants something to do.
He thought that walking around would help clear his head after getting off the subway, but if anything he feels worse. He’s tired, and thinking about taking the train home feels like too much effort. He feels trapped, even though he’s outside. He went all the way to Queens. The public library he used to go to all the time when he was little in front of him. May would take him a lot, she wanted him in a safe and supportive environment, where he could find a book on anything he wanted to learn about or just read for fun. He loved going there as a kid, and continued going even when he was older to do his homework or just browse.
He steps inside the front doors and is hit with memories of May. He can feel tears in his eyes, he misses her so much. He feels like that part of his life is over, he wants to be little again and walk through these doors with her just one more time. He turns around and leaves, but the memories still cloud his mind. That time is over, and he’ll never get to experience it again. May will never lead him by the hand through those doors and take him to the kids section, waiting to hear all about the books he wants and what they’re all about. He wants to go back so bad, and knowing that it’s gone feels like his life is over. He puts his palms against his eyes to prevent the tears from falling, or from anyone seeing him like this, and manages to stop them, but he feels the same. He just wants to see May again, but he knows what he’s looking for he won’t find. He’s still a teenager, but it already feels like his life is over, and he somehow missed it going by. He feels like he’s already lived a full life, what more is there for him to do? He wishes he never stepped through the library doors. He can’t even think about it without wanting to cry again. He just keeps walking down the street.
He realizes that the May from his memories is gone, and has been for a while.
He doesn’t really know where he’s going, just keeps his feet moving. He thought that leaving the tower and focusing on something else would help him put his mind on different things, he thought they would at least be better than at the tower. Now he’s just feeling a whole different type of bad. He walks for about twenty minutes before turning left. The walking helped numb him a little, he’s not on the verge of tears anymore, and he starts to look around. It’s cold out so there’s not too many people outside, well at least not as many as normal. His toes are numb thanks to his thin canvas sneakers. He could only fit his thinnest pairs of socks underneath them and even then they were probably still too small.
He reaches a station and gets on the next train, but he gets on going the opposite direction of the tower. He doesn’t even really know why until he realizes that one stop down is where he always used to get on and off the train, it was the closest one to his apartment. He gets off there, and walks the short distance to the apartment. It still looks the same, he doesn’t know what he was expecting. There are lights on in their place, but he doesn’t know who’s home. He suddenly feels stupid for even coming here in the first place, what if John saw him here? He feels panic start to creep in and jogs across the street to put some distance between him and the building. He turns around once after crossing, but no one steps in front of the windows or moves, and he can’t really see anything so he starts walking down the street. He goes to his old elementary school just a few blocks down and sits on the curb across the way. It isn’t a particularly busy road and the cars that do go by give him a wide girth. It just looks like a building to him now, it feels like so long ago that he went here that it’s hard for him to even remember. He’s even colder than he was before and taking the train home feels like an impossible task, so he gets out his phone to call Happy.
“Hey kid, what’s up?”
“Can you pick me up?”
“Where are you?”
He gives him the street and reads the number off the school’s front sign and Happy tells him he’ll be there in a bit. He wants to lay down, but knows that he probably shouldn’t on the side of the road. He’s so tired that he’s on the verge of not really caring. He settles for sitting criss-cross and loosens the straps of his backpack so the bottom rests against the sidewalk. He must lose track of time, because it only feels like minutes later that a car pulls up and stops beside him. He glances up and stares at the black car for a moment before he gets in. He didn’t realize how loud it was outside until he shuts his door and it all fades away. After a moment when the car hasn’t moved until he looks in the rearview mirror and sees Happy looking at him.
“Hey Happy. Thanks for picking me up.”
“No problem kid, how was the library?” Happy looks like he’s searching for something, but Peter has no idea what for.
“Oh. Yeah, it was good.”
Happy hums in response before pulling out and starting the drive back to the tower. Peter rests his head against the back of the seat and stares out the window. If he thought he felt tired before, he is exhausted now. He closes his eyes, not wanting to see the familiar but distant streets anymore, and falls asleep.
When they reach the tower Happy calls his name and Peter wakes up slowly. He just wants to stay in the car and sleep, but he knows he can’t. When he reaches Tony and Pepper’s floor, they seem to be waiting for him. He can see out the windows that it’s getting dark outside, and that does absolutely nothing to help his exhaustion.
“Hey, how was studying?” Tony asks, walking over to him from the living room couch.
“It was good, I’m super tired now though, I think I might just crash in my room,” he steps out of the elevator and goes towards the hall without stopping. He suddenly feels really guilty, leaving Tony and Pepper as soon as he gets home. He should spend some time with them, but he’s just too tired - and what was up with that? He barely did anything today.
“Okay, you know where to find us if you need us,” Pepper says to his retreating form, he nods back, but doesn’t know if they’re even looking at him to see. He can hear Tony and Pepper talking to Happy, but he doesn’t try to eavesdrop. It takes effort thanks to his super hearing, but he manages to only understand a few words here and there before he shuts his door.
He sluggishly changes into pyjamas and only as he starts to drift to sleep under his blankets does he realize that their voices sounded concerned. He is asleep before he can wonder what about.