Chapter 15
Not much has changed for Peter since he left the apartment. Well, okay quite a bit has changed, but not Peter himself. When he was living at the apartment with John he became a shell of who he once was. He was always focused on where John was, what kind of mood he was in, did he do anything to set him off, and always walking on eggshells, even when he wasn’t even there. He is still doing those things now, even though John isn’t here. Like right now, he’s furiously scrubbing his plate in the sink and trying to be as quiet as possible. He doesn’t lift the tap all the way up, because the water would come out too fast. It would be both a waste and excess noise drawing attention to himself. He also doesn’t use the green scrubber, because, again, it would be too loud. He still hasn’t figured out where everything is in Tony and Pepper’s kitchen, so he had to search for a wash cloth and dish soap. He eventually found some in a cupboard near the floor, close to the sink. He finishes washing his plate and wants to start on some cups and other dishes he found dirty. He instinctively goes to put the plate in the drying rack to his left, where it is at the apartment with May, but there isn’t one there. There’s not even a drying rack at all, so he grabs a tea towel and sets it down on the counter beside the sink with the plate on top and starts on the other dishes. He normally put on music when he did the dishes, usually on his phone without headphones because he tried to do them before John was home, so he wasn’t around to care. He doesn’t play any music now though, he doesn’t know if Tony or Pepper would mind and doesn’t know where they are to ask.
When the dishes are ready to be put back he opens a cupboard, after looking to find the correct ones, and starts putting them away slowly. This is the most careful step. He has to make sure the dishes don’t chink against each other, that would be way too loud. He moves slowly, carefully, so they don’t hit. He only has a couple left when a bowl he was trying to rest soundlessly inside another bowl slips from his fingers. It was only a couple centimeters above the other bowl, but the sound to Peter sounds like an explosion going off and he freezes - waiting to hear if anyone noticed. He stays still for a second, and when he doesn’t hear anything he releases a big breath. He’s on to the last plate, moving slow and steady - almost there - when Tony’s voice scares him. “Why do you look like you’re going in slow motion?” He says with a chuckle. Peter had been so focused on the task that he didn’t even hear Tony come in and jumps, hitting the plate on the underside of the shelf. If he thought the last bowl sounded like an explosion, this must sound like the entire world blowing up in one go. Panic drenches his body and he quickly spins to face Tony, trying to explain the noise, “I’m so sorry Tony, it was just an accident, I really didn’t mean to do that, I’m so so sorry, it won’t happen again I promise, I’ll be extra careful-”
“Hey, hey, hey, kid it’s okay,” Tony interrupts, walking closer to him, “I’m not mad, I promise,” Peter feels frozen in place, “really kid, you didn’t even do anything, it’s okay.”
Peter just looks at the counter beside him, “I’m sorry,” the panic is still pumping through his veins and he feels like he’s going to pass out.
“It’s okay kid, really. Were you doing dishes?” Tony tries to redirect the focus a little.
“Yeah.”
“You do know we have a dishwasher, right?” Tony laughs a little. Peter looks up at him and sees a small smile on his face, but also sees the crinkle of his eyes, the concern directed at him. Peter doesn’t know why he’s concerned. He feels confused and embarrassed, he doesn’t really know what’s going on and he still feels lightheaded.
“Are you okay?” Tony asks him, and Peter just sits on the ground, his legs slightly bent and his arms resting on them so he’s facing the ground.
“Woah, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Tony crouches down and rests a hand on his arm.
“Yeah, sorry, I’m just feeling a bit sick.”
“Okay. Do you know why? Or is there anything I can do for you?”
“No it’s okay. I’m just gonna chill for a sec,” Peter’s just trying not to throw up on Tony, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. Tony sits across from him and leans against the island, not doing anything, but just being there for him. Peter breathes for a few minutes before he looks up at Tony.
“Feeling any better?” Tony asks.
“Yeah. I’m sorry about that.”
“No need to be sorry kid, none at all. Do you want to move, or stay here for a bit?”
“I can get up. Maybe we could sit on the couch?” Tony stands and extends his arm to Peter, he grabs it and Tony pulls him up.
They sit on the couch and Tony turns slightly to face him, “How are you feeling?”
“Fine, just mostly tired now,” Peter responds.
“Do you know what happened in there?”
“Sorry, you just scared me. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“It’s okay, I’m just worried about what happened.”
For the first time since John moved in, Peter doesn’t feel anything stopping him from telling Tony the truth. For so long it was like he couldn’t get the words out, he had wanted more than anything to tell anyone who would listen, but he could never say the words. Now though, it feels like something’s different, like some door has been opened and he can finally go through after pounding against it for so long.
“I got scared, and when I hit the plate against the shelf in the cupboard I panicked because it was so loud.”
“Did it hurt your ears? I know you have enhanced senses,” Tony asks.
“No, I was afraid it would make you mad.”
“I wouldn’t get mad because of that,” Tony pauses for a moment before continuing, “did John used to get mad at that?” Tony guesses.
“Yeah. He didn’t like the noise and thought we were doing it to bother him on purpose. Sometimes he would get really mad about it.”
“I’m so sorry Peter. He should have never acted like that and you should not have been subject to his anger. You didn’t do anything wrong, his reactions were separate from you. You never did anything to deserve that and I’m sorry you had to go through that, and that I didn’t notice sooner.”
“You couldn’t have known. I hid it from you, from everyone,” he finishes weakly, looking down at his knees.
“True, but it wasn’t your job to tell someone; it was his job not to do it.”
Peter thinks about that. He had never thought about it that way before. He always felt like he wasn’t allowed to feel bad about it, because he never really did anything to stop it. Tony is right, and Peter is glad he said that. It makes him look at the situation a little differently, makes him feel a little less guilty about not stopping the situation himself. He doesn’t need to feel guilty because he didn’t leave, or tell someone, or put an end to John’s anger. John was the one responsible, not him. He realizes all this very quickly, and while it is a major change in his view, he isn’t completely over all the guilt about the situation. It just makes it easier to not blame himself so much.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he responds and looks at Tony. Tony gives him a sad smile and rests his hand on his shoulder.
Even though earlier he didn’t think he changed after leaving the apartment, he can see now that he’s starting to change, and it feels good.