Chapter 7
Peter gets a text from Tony asking him if he wants to come over today after school to work with him in the lab and maybe watch a movie. It’s Thursday, and Peter normally goes over then, but he feels panic consume him immediately. It feels like someone poured ice cold water all over him. He wants to go, more than anything, but he knows John wouldn’t like it. He’s too scared to ask. Peter texts back that he has a ton of homework due, but would love to another time. He doesn’t look to see if Tony texts back.
He exits the school and hastily says goodbye to Ned before speed walking to the train. More and more recently he feels panicked whenever he’s not at home. He feels like he’s doing something wrong by being out, even when he’s at school. It doesn’t feel right when he’s not in the apartment. He doesn’t go out anymore, can’t enjoy himself when he’s hanging out with Ned or studying at the library. All he can think about is what John would think. Worry about his reaction to him being somewhere. Would he be angry? He decides that it’s just better to be at home. He would rather face the anger of John when he’s there than constantly worry about whether or not it will be there later while he’s out. Even if John gets angry at him it’s not something he needs to be unsure of. He thinks that’s probably weird, but all he knows is that not knowing is worse.
He weaves around the other people walking on the sidewalk, trying not to collide with anyone. Peter wonders a lot why May doesn’t leave John. She sees how he is, right? It makes Peter crazy that he gets stuck with John just because of her, then feels bad for getting mad at May. But he never feels bad enough that he doesn’t stop wishing May would leave and take Peter with her. He’s angry with her for it. Peter doesn’t know why, but he somehow knows that May won’t leave John. If she hasn’t yet then she probably won’t in the future.
So Peter starts thinking about running away. He knows he doesn’t have anywhere to go, not really. He couldn’t go to Tony or Ned and ask to stay without saying why. They would ask, and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t know what he would say. John yells at him sometimes? There’s nothing he could say to them to justify leaving. He knows how terrible he feels from it, but he doesn’t know why. John isn’t that bad. Sure, he gets mad a lot, but that doesn’t justify leaving and asking to stay with someone else. He would be a burden to them for no good reason and he can’t do that. He would rather live on the streets. He moves to the right to avoid colliding with a woman and spots a piece of concrete under an overhang of a building. He thinks it would be a good place to go. He knows he’s being selfish thinking like this. He knows that homeless people have incredible difficulties and he has a warm apartment with food and all the necessities. He’s taking what he has for granted and making it seem as if being homeless is a walk in the park. He knows it’s terrible and selfish of him, but he still wants to run away and join them. He keeps on walking to the apartment, but his mind doesn’t really leave that corner.
During class the next day, he thinks about what he would bring. He would need clothes for the winter, but it had to be light if he’d need to carry it around all summer after. Maybe a raincoat. All of his cash, which admittedly isn’t much, but better than nothing. He has $980 saved up. He’s always been good with his money, mostly out of necessity and learning from living paycheck to paycheck with May, and he’s been saving all of the money he’s gotten since around his 11th birthday. It seems like a lot, almost a thousand dollars, but he would spend it all on food, clothes occasionally, shoes at some point. It seems like a lot, but it wouldn’t last forever. He pauses at that thought. Because if he leaves now that is probably where he’ll stay for the rest of his life. He won’t finish highschool, won’t be able to get a job to save. Won’t be able to pull himself out. He isn’t scared at the thought, he just hadn’t thought it before. He doesn’t hate it. He hates himself for not hating it. He knows he won’t go, but he wishes he could.
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John doesn’t go out much. On weekdays he goes to work in the morning and comes home around five. He stays in after that. Peter’s never met any of his friends, and knows he doesn’t really have any family. He feels bad sometimes, when he thinks about wanting May to leave him. If she did then John would be like Peter. Nowhere to go. No one to go to. It’s a lonely and awful feeling, and he doesn’t want John to have to go through that. But he also doesn’t want to live with him. He doesn’t really know what he wants.
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May used to stick up for him. When John first started getting angry at Peter over seemingly trivial things, May would step in and try to calm him down. It only ever made it worse. He would only yell for longer at both May and Peter. It made Peter feel terrible. May getting John’s anger all over something he did. Sometimes Peter didn’t even know what he did, but he knew it was his fault, and May shouldn’t have to be punished for his behaviour. After a while, though, May stopped standing up for him. She would just sit quietly, even if she was in the same room. She probably thought it would be best getting John’s anger over with quicker, and she would always say sorry to Peter after for John’s anger. Peter felt better that May didn’t have to get yelled at as much anymore, but it also kind of makes him feel as if May doesn’t care anymore. Is he overreacting and May knows it’s not that big of a deal so she doesn’t step in? Is Peter making something out of nothing? Is Peter just too sensitive? When May stood up for him before it became something they were in together, but now Peter only ever stands alone.