Chapter 17
“I’m Captain America and I can’t even save one person,” Steve whispered brokenly, pleading with her with his eyes. Celia felt stricken by the pain in his voice. She couldn’t wrap her head around how hard he was taking this. Sure, it sucked, but she was still alive. He didn’t even know her well enough to really mourn her if she had died.
The death toll of The Battle of New York hadn’t been super high, but there had still been casualties. Steve didn’t seem to be carrying that weight on his shoulders, unless this incident just tipped the scales. He had to have lost people during the war too, and for him, it was just months ago that he was fighting on the front lines. PTSD was pretty much a given for someone who had lived his life, but would she really be a trigger?
Celia thought back through everything he had said to her. How he should’ve been able to stop the man, how he should’ve been able to protect her. One thing stuck out the most: he couldn’t even save one person. Steve had saved countless people as Captain America, but this statement was more specific. This wasn’t even about her at all, was it?
“Who is this really about, Steve?” she asked gently, watching him close his eyes in defeat.
“I can’t,” Steve said, turning his face from hers.
“Let me tell you a story that I don’t tell anyone and don’t plan on telling again,” Celia started, waiting for Steve to acknowledge her. When he kept looking away, she gently turned his face toward her, leaving her hand on his cheek until he made eye contact. “The first woman I tried to save once I joined my group died.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Her husband came home while we were getting her out and went crazy. I woke up two days later missing a few inches off my small intestine and she was in the morgue. I was so angry with myself and the guilt was so overwhelming that I wanted to quit. I thought I would do more harm than good but my friend Deb convinced me not to. She told me that we can’t help everyone, but not even trying was worse than failing. So I learned from my mistakes and kept going and I helped people.”
“It’s not that easy. I was made to be the perfect soldier,” Steve argued. And Celia thought she was stubborn.
“There’s no such thing as perfect, Steve! You just do your best and keep going. Would the person you lost want you to beat yourself up for the rest of your life?” Celia asked, needing to break through Steve’s walls.
“Hell no, he’d kick my ass,” Steve said with a quiet snort.
“So use that to keep going. You can’t change the past, no matter how many times you run through everything in your head, thinking about all the things you could’ve done differently. I know because I’ve been there. And you know what else I know? I’m gonna survive this. You think I’m gonna let a little insomnia take me down?”
“No.”
“Damn right, no! So screw your guilt, I don’t need it. I need you to be strong for me, in case I forget how strong I am.” Steve chuckled a little, a bit more tension leaking from his shoulders.
“What are you, a motivational speaker?” Steve joked, scrubbing a hand down his face.
“No, I’m way too aggressive for that. But I know Steve Rogers can handle it.”
“You mean Captain America.”
“I don’t care about Captain America. I care about Steve. You don’t have to be anyone else but yourself with me.”
“I don’t know if this world needs Steve Rogers, but I know it needs Captain America,” Steve said mournfully, lowering his gaze to the floor. Celia wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him in a tight hug just as he had done in the bathroom the day before. Steve hesitantly put his arms around her waist. She rested her head next to his ear, keeping her next words for him only.
“Take it from someone who had no choice but to change themselves. Don’t let anyone change you from who you really are. Holly Williams didn’t have a chance, but Steve Rogers does.” They stood there like that for a few moments, just holding each other, until Celia finally pulled away. Steve had a small, grateful smile on his face and she smiled back. She hadn’t told anyone her birth name since she changed it, but here she was, telling an almost stranger.
“Thank you,” Steve whispered.
“You’re welcome. Now, let’s stop ignoring Bruce and get down to business,” Celia said, dragging him back to the couch and pulling him to sit down on the cushion next to her. Bruce turned from where he had been pretending to keep busy and slid back over in front of them.
“Sorry Bruce,” Steve apologized, looking away embarrassed.
“No worries Steve,” Bruce brushed off, readying his clipboard again. “I want to get a clearer picture of what happened, such as the timeline and details on what you felt. Let’s start at the beginning. Celia told me that she didn’t know how long it was between the moment she died and then woke up. Do you remember, Steve?” Steve furrowed his brow, thinking back to the moment in the elevator. Celia was grimacing at the thought of talking about all this again, but she’d do just about anything at this point if it meant she got some sleep.
“It all happened very fast. I’m not sure if she was even alive when the shocking started or if her heart had already stopped. But it wasn’t more than a minute from the point of the shooting to Celia waking back up,” Steve answered, pursing his lips and shaking his head a little. This was still hitting him hard, but he didn’t have the look of overwhelming guilt he had been sporting most of the time she had been around him.
“I was still alive to feel the jolt. And to feel you try to stop the bleeding,” Celia told Steve quietly, reliving the pain of her broken chest.
“So less than a minute,” Bruce cut in, not allowing either of them to wallow too long in feelings of the past. “And the two other times this happened, you were alone?”
“Yeah, my roommate was asleep the first time. The second time Steve left before I fell asleep, but came back when he heard me wake up. I don’t know how long that was.”
“It was about five minutes between when I left and when I heard her.”
“What were you doing outside my door for that long?” Celia asked, raising her eyebrow a bit. Steve squirmed, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I was worried!” he blurted out, throwing up his hands in exasperation. “Which I’m glad I did, because I doubt you would have called me.”
“That’s not fair, you didn’t even give me a chance!” Celia laughed.
“Notice you didn’t say it wasn’t true,” Steve shot back with a sly grin.
“I would’ve called eventually,” Celia scoffed, rolling her eyes good-naturedly.
“So I’d say it’s safe to assume you woke pretty quickly after you fell asleep both times,” Bruce said, ending their banter. “What did it feel like those times?”
“The first time was the cut and it burned, kind of like when you clean a wound out with alcohol. And then it lulled into more of an itch, before the pain went away. The second time I didn’t have any kind of injury, but I felt a little more pain in my right arm. The rest of my body felt weird, like a cross between your leg cramping and falling asleep.”
“And you’re sure you weren’t hurt before you fell asleep?” Bruce asked, writing everything down.
“After I got home from the tower last night, I checked every inch of my body. Nothing else happened between then and falling asleep earlier today.”
“I didn’t see anything on her arm before I left, and that’s what seemed to be bothering her the most,” Steve added. Bruce nodded, writing a few more things down and mumbling to himself.
“What did you do today, besides the time you were here at the tower?” Bruce questioned.
“I packed up my friend’s stuff and helped her move out. Just a lot of walking and carrying,” Celia answered, racking her brain for any moment she had hurt herself, but coming up with nothing. How often do you remember every bump and scrape you get during a normal day?
“Would you say you carry most things on your right side?” Bruce asked, setting down his clipboard.
“Uh, I don’t know. I guess,” Celia said confused. Bruce nodded, working something out in his head. “Did you figure it out?”
“I have a theory, but we’ll have to test it to see if I’m right.”
“I’m all ears,” Celia prodded, hoping to hear some good news. Come on easy fix.
“You feeling pain when a wound is healing over makes sense, but this last time, you didn’t see one but still felt more localized pain in your arm. It makes sense if you happened to strain the muscle while moving boxes, but it doesn’t account for the pain you felt in the rest of your body. I think I figured that part out though.”
“What is it?” Steve asked, leaning forward intently.
“Any type of movement you do during the day works your muscles. Think how you feel sore after a workout. But even doing normal everyday things, such as walking, works your muscles too. Not to the same extent and nothing you’d really notice at the end of the day. But the muscles are still being affected, at a cellular level. So even if you don’t feel pain from, say, walking up the stairs, your muscles are still being changed.” Steve was about to cut in, but Celia stopped him with a hand wave. “I think, at the end of every day when you fall asleep, your healing ability will kick in and you’ll wake up.”
Celia felt the blood drain from her face, but she forced her body to take slow, even breaths. She could not allow herself to panic. Not after finally getting Steve to calm his guilt. Falling asleep would always equal pain for her. What could she do about it? Just lay still for the rest of her life and never move again? That didn’t seem like much of a life, even if it did mean she could sleep.
“Celia,” Bruce called, snapping her back to the present. “Let me finish, okay? Don’t panic.” She jerked her head in a nod, focusing back on Bruce. Steve grabbed her hand and gave it a light squeeze.
“Go ahead,” she said, bracing herself.
“While I don’t think there is a way to get around you healing from the wear and tear of the day, I do think you’ll be able to sleep. Have you tried going back to sleep after either of the last two times you woke up and healed?”
“No, the first time I came straight to the tower. The last time was the same, just with Steve.”
“What I’m thinking is, after you’ve woken up and healed the first time, you’re obviously perfectly healthy, right? So what happens if you go right back to sleep? There is nothing left to heal, so you should be able to keep right on sleeping,” Bruce explained with a smile.
“Holy shit, you might be right!” Celia exclaimed. “If healing is the only thing waking me up and causing me pain, that makes perfect sense.” She sprang up and wrapped Bruce in a tight hug, unable to stop herself. He patted her awkwardly on the back.
“We still don’t know if I’m right,” Bruce said cautiously. Celia let him go and stepped back, a wide smile splitting her face.
“You gave me hope, which is more than I had before. So what do you want me to do?” Celia asked, ready to test out the theory.
“I have the equipment here to do a little sleep study. I’m not sure if you’ve ever done one, but it will monitor your brain functions while you sleep. I’m hoping it’ll give me a clearer idea of what’s going on in there,” Bruce explained, gesturing to a table covered in cables and wires.
“Sounds harmless enough,” Celia agreed.
“There is one other thing though,” Bruce said, a faint flush covering his cheeks. She glanced down at the slightly shorter man, wondering what caused him to be suddenly flustered. “For the most accurate testing of the theory, we need to make sure you don’t have any type of injury on your body.”
“So you want me to get naked?” Celia asked. Steve spluttered on the couch behind her, coughing to clear his suddenly tight throat.
“Not all the way naked,” Bruce said with a wince.
“You’re not that kind of doctor!” Steve blurted out, bouncing up to stand with them.
“Funny, that argument never works when I’m the one making it!” Bruce shot back annoyed.
“This is a bit different!”
“Guys-”
“I already felt weird suggesting it, you don’t have to make me feel worse.”
“Maybe you had that feeling for a reason.”
Celia looked back and forth between the arguing men, being completely ignored. She did the only thing she could think of to get their attention and slipped out of her shirt. They both looked away quickly, Steve letting out a little squawk.
“Now that I have your attention,” Celia smirked, crossing her arms over her chest.
“You’ve got to stop doing that,” Steve groaned, covering his eyes with his hand.
“I appreciate you standing up for me Steve, but it’s unnecessary. It’s my decision and I’m saying it’s okay. Anything covered by underwear I can handle myself,” Celia stated, leaving no room for argument. She was still willing to do anything to get the chance to sleep. Steve sagged, looking fully chastised.
“I’m sorry, I just…,” Steve mumbled, still looking anywhere else but at her.
“You’re a gentleman, I get it. Thank you Steve,” Celia said, smiling at his blush. “How do we want to do this?”
“If you don’t mind standing over here, where the lighting is a bit better,” Bruce directed, leading her over toward a light fixture. Steve stayed where he was, facing away from them. Celia stepped out of her pants, thanking her luck that she preferred to wear a boy short underwear instead of a skimpier cut. No matter how much she tried to downplay it, this was pretty awkward.
“So Steve,” Celia started, signaling for Bruce to do his exam while she talked, “how is your shoulder doing?”
“It’s not too bad. The stitches can probably come out tomorrow,” Steve answered, still facing away as he spoke.
“That’s great. You didn’t strain it from carrying my bag earlier?”
“Of course not,” Steve scoffed, crossing his arms in indignation. “I could’ve carried your stuff earlier too, if you weren’t so stubborn.”
“I don’t know. I heal better than you, maybe I’ll get stronger than you as well,” Celia said, laughing at Steve's small noise of protest. Bruce gave her the okay and she darted behind a big whiteboard to check the rest of her body.
“Let’s see you hold up a woman on a motorcycle!” Steve shot back. Celia giggled to herself as she finished up and redressed. Steve was apparently very easy to distract in an uncomfortable situation.
“That doesn’t sound very impressive,” Celia exaggeratedly brushed off.
“It was the highlight of the show! Right after punching Hitler,” Steve exclaimed, forgetting momentarily about the situation and spinning around. Celia and Bruce were standing together in front of a table, stifling their laughter.
“Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Celia asked, chuckling at the realization on Steve’s face. She walked over and sat back down on the couch with a yawn, the exhaustion catching back up with her after the emotional rollercoaster they had just been on. “What’s the next step?”
“Now we put the theory to the test and do our sleep study,” Bruce said, picking up a strange little helmet covered in wires. “I want to see your brain waves while you sleep and heal, to pinpoint when in your sleep cycle the healing is triggered. Jarvis will monitor your other vitals.”
“Sounds easy enough,” Celia said, trying to stamp down her nerves. She hoped Bruce’s theory was right. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could last without losing her mind. But the idea of waking up and healing wasn’t really appealing either.
“It’s not too uncomfortable to wear. So we can either do it here or see if Tony has some guest rooms available,” Bruce proposed, leaning against the table.
“She can use my room.”