Chapter 1
"Your pee looks like lemon-lime Gatorade." Jane frowns. "Mine does too. When was the last time we had a 'no coffee, only water' cleanse? I think it's been a few months."
"Yeah, a few months." Darcy looks away from the two pee-cups and narrows her eyes at her doe-eyed science child, who's actually five years her senior. Eh, semantics.
"Why're you looking at me like that?" Jane leans back, affronted. "'No coffee, only water' was your idea."
"Yes, it was. And it was a good idea." She asserts, puffing out her chest. "It wasn't my fault I slighted your dependence."
Jane scoffs. "My dependence?"
"Janey, after twelve hours without caffeine you punched a Shield Agent in the face for calling your handwriting swirly. We both got sent to Principle Coulson's office for a diplomatic spanking. Remember that?"
Jane reddens. "Oh yeah."
"Don't get me wrong, I was all for you decking one of those jack-booted-thugs in the face, but you shouldn't have done it right in front of Steve." She sighs. "He did his disappointed face. You know, the one where his eyes go all big and he frowns and does that cute little 'hmph' noise?"
Jane nods solemnly in agreement and picks up her phone to check the timer. "We've still got a minute to go."
"Is this weird?" Darcy makes a face. "Or is this something all besties do together on a Friday night?"
"Don't know." Jane shrugs distractedly, scrolling through she and Thor's text chain. He's off-world and she's been pouting for the past week. "Maybe not. Probably not. I've never seen anyone do it in the movies."
"Me too." She leans forward to closer inspect the pee cups sitting on the bathroom counter, making a point not to look at the white sticks standing up in them. "Oh, we really need to start drinking more water. That cannot be healthy."
"Probably not. I'll order us those bottles on Amazon. The one's that have the times of the day on them to remind you to drink it all before the day's over. I like those."
"Maybe I should ask Tony to make us ones with Jarvis installed in them. You know, so he can scold us if we get behind. That'd be cool." Darcy fumbles to get her phone out of the deep pocket in the front of her oversized grey sweatpants. "Why hasn't he done that yet? There's got to be a market for those, right?"
She's halfway through rapidly typing out the product proposal via text when the timer on Jane's phone rings out. The two women halt their movements, putting down their phones looking at each other in sync. They remain perched on the edge of the bathtub.
"You go first," Jane instructs, squeezing her eyes shut. "I'm too nervous. I think I might be sick. Oh my god, no. No, I'm not going to be sick. Because I'm not pregnant."
"Okay," Darcy says. They've done this every other week since Jane started boning Thor and she started on-off dating Ian and also occasionally sleeping with one of the jack-booted-thugs who called her hair pretty one time. She picks the stick up out of her cup. One line. Phew. "I'm not preggers! Sambuca shots on me!"
"You projectile vomited the last time you did a sambuca shot," Jane stands up and takes a steadying breath. "Okay, I'm calm. This is fine."
"Sure." Darcy smiles encouragingly.
The willowy scientist stares at her stick. And stares. And stares.
Darcy's stomach drops. She takes a step forward and tentatively puts her hand on Jane's shoulder. "Janey?"
"No sambuca shots," Jane whispers. "No shots at all."
"Oh no." Darcy exhales slowly. "Oh no. Janey."
"Okay," Jane mutters. "Okay. Okay. Okay. This is.. okay. This is fine. Everything is fine."
Darcy leans over to glance at the stick and winces. Jane had designed these tests herself after Darcy got a false positive from a Clear Blue in London a few years ago. They were, to put it mildly, incredibly accurate. "Uh. Should I look into sending a raven to Thor?"
"Thor." Jane goes from shaken to seething in seconds. "Oh my god, I'm gonna kill him. Darcy, I swear to Frigga, I'm sending that man to Valhalla. How could he do this to me?" She fumes, tossing the stick into the sink. "Ugh!"
"It takes two to tango, Janey." She recoils when Jane pins her with a terrifying scowl. "I mean- how could he? Ugh, fertility gods! Am I right or am I right?" She chuckles nervously, feeling slightly like she's being held at gunpoint. "Ha."
Jane deflates, sinking into a heap of limbs on the bathroom floor. Darcy follows suit, letting her ex-boss and current bestie for life curl into her. "I'm not ready to be a mom, Darce."
Darcy rests her head on top of Jane's. "Is anyone ever really ready, though?"
"I don't know," Jane mumbles. "I've never done any research into reproduction."
Darcy blinks in surprise. Jane's like a factoid machine. There's rarely ever a subject she hasn't dedicated at-least ten hours to researching. "Oh."
"Yeah," Jane says. "I didn't think I'd ever be a mom."
"Do you and Thor use protection?" She asks, trying not to cringe at the image of her pseudo siblings boning. "Do Asgardian's have their own brand of condom made specifically for Norse Gods?"
Jane sniffles and rubs her cheek on Darcy's sweater. "Yeah, something like that. Frigga gave them to me when I visited last year. Whenever we- uh- run out, she sends me more by a raven."
"Your mother-in-law sends you magical condoms? Awesome. I love Frigga."
"Not my mother-in-law," Jane grumbles.
"Uh, she kinda is." Darcy hints. "Thor gave you one of those apples, remember? Apparently they're way more sacred than a ring on Asgard."
"She's not my mother-in-law until Thor funds a big, fancy wedding and I get to wear my mom's dress and you get to be my maid-of-honour." Jane declares resolutely. "And that apple tasted like candy. It was weird."
Darcy makes a face at the memory. Jane had snuck her a small piece of the fruit to see if she was crazy or if the apple really did taste like bonbons. After being promised that eating it would not mean that was technically married to Thor too, because ew, she'd eaten it. "Yeah. It was definitely weird."
"Ugh." Jane huffs out a breath after a stretch of silence. "I guess we should contact the big idiot. Is this serious enough for Heimdall or should I just send a raven?"
"That's your decision," Darcy says.
"Yeah." Jane tips her head up to stare at the ceiling. "Oh my god, can you even imagine Thor with a baby?"
Darcy thinks back to the time she and Thor visited the children's hospice when Jane was too busy with a deadline to keep him company on one of his days off. He handled the babies with care and made the toddlers roar with laughter.
The memory solidifies what she already knows. Jane knows it too. She's just not ready to admit it.
"He's really good with kids, Jane," Darcy says gently.
"Sure." She says, defeated. "But what if he wants to name it Helga or Thud or Gertrud or Ogechi? I can't put a poor kid through that. They'd get bullied for sure."
"Janey-"
"I don't even know how Asgardian-Midguardian pregnancies work! Have they ever done any research on that? Huh? Because I doubt it! They don't exactly try to hide the fact that they don't like us." Jane rants, face gradually getting redder and redder.
Darcy yields. "Odin did call you a goat when he met you."
"Yeah, he did." Jane glares at the tiled floor. "And he called you a turnip."
"Ha!" Darcy snorts at the memory. "He's the epitome of a grumpy old man. Bless Frigga for putting up with him for so long."
"He'll be a shitty grandpa." Jane whines. "I don't want a kid to have to deal with him as a grandpa."
"Okay, but imagine Frigga as a grandmother." Darcy almost cooes. "Wait, does Loki have kids?"
Jane shakes her head once. "He just has a lot of pets. The fables got the story twisted. He loves them very much."
"Cool." Darcy nods slowly. "So you'll be giving birth to the first grandchild. Wow."
"Yeah. Wow." Jane drones monotonously. They sit in silence for a little while, stewing. And then, "Darcy, I'm not sure I want to be a mom."
"Oh- Oh! Okay, that's totally cool." She hesitates. "But um, maybe you should talk to Thor before you make any, you know, arrangements."
"My body." Jane sniffs. "My decision."
"Yes! Yes, I agree with you one-hundred-per cent!" Darcy bounces her head wildly. She's totally pro-choice and she'll always be pro-whatever-Jane-wants. That goes without saying. But they still need to be sensible. "You said it yourself though, Janey. We don't know how Asgardian pregnancies compare. They might not work the same way."
"Oh no," Jane whispers, suddenly dismayed. "What if I can't abort it? I can't have a baby and then give it away. I'll get attached to it."
"There has to be a way," Darcy says firmly.
"Volstagg has more than a dozen kids," Jane argues.
"Yes, and Hildegund is still pestering him for more. Because that's what she wants, which is cool. They'll have their own soccer team soon enough. But Janey, that's not what you want, and that's totally okay. You know that, right?"
"Yeah." Jane wipes her eyes. "Yeah. I know. I- I just feel weird about it."
"Me too," Darcy says. After a little while, she nudges their shoulders together. "Wanna order a fuck-ton of Chinese food and order a raven from the dark-web with me?"
"Yeah." Jane cracks a smile. "Yeah. That sounds nice. Can we get satay chicken and stir-fried beansprouts?"
"Duh. Of course." Darcy says. "And a nice big glass of red wine for me, I think."
Jane yells in indignation. "No. No way! If I can't drink, neither can you! That's not fair."
"But we have that nice bottle of Merlot that Pepper got me for my birthday."
"No!" Jane swats her arm. "No drinking. I mean it. That's so against bestie code."
"But the Merlot.."
"No."
Darcy sighs forlornly. "Fine. But I'm ordering extra prawn toast and you are not allowed to whine about the smell. I don't give a shit if you're pregnant. I want prawn toast and I will have prawn toast."
Jane grins. "Deal."
"Great." Darcy nods. Her phone screen lights up. "It's Tony. I think I accidentally sent a half-finished sentient water-bottle preliminary."
"Answer it. I'm gonna go and order the food and cry a little." Jane says, pushing herself to her feet.
"'Kay," Darcy answers the call and watches her leave the bathroom, leaving the door open a crack. "Sup, Mr Warbucks."
"I like it. Pep's always trying to get me to drink more water. She'll back this." He leaps straight to business. "How'd you come up with the idea?"
"Today I found out that my pee looks like lemon-lime Gatorade."
"Jesus, Darlene. That's disgusting." Tony gags. "I'll have a prototype with you by tomorrow morning. Sounds like you need it."
"And one for Jane too," Darcy says, standing up and getting started on cleaning up the mess they'd made. "She'll get jealous otherwise."
"Sure, sure." He agrees distantly, probably already putting together a design. "You didn't come to dinner last week."
"You were in Tokyo." Darcy prods his memory as she sprays disinfectant all around the sink and throws the empty cups into the trash can. She almost puts Jane's test in there too but hesitates and puts it in the back of the sink cabinet instead.
"I was?" He asks.
"Yup. Something about acquiring a part for the new Stark Phone." She's got the newest release pressed-up against her ear. It was only released to the public a month ago, but she's had it since the first prototype was released for testing in February. One of the perks of being the illegitimate daughter of one of America's most affluent men; who also happens to be the inventor of said device. "If you're in the country on Tuesday, I'll come over. It's my night-off."
"Tuesday. Okay. I'll pencil it in." He says. "Jarvis, you know what to do. What do you want to eat? I can cook. We can have Ossobuco."
"Sounds good. Will Pepper be there? I have some paperwork from Coulson that I need to get to her by the end of the month. Nothing important, just some tweaks in Shield's contract with SI." Darcy turns on the tap and rinses away the disinfectant, trying not to let the pungent smell make her cough. She pushes opens up the small window to let in some air.
"I'll ask." He says. "I bought a ring." He says.
Darcy halts on the spot, eyes widening. "Wait, what?"
"A ring. I bought one." He sounds slightly nervous now. "Is that okay? I mean- are you okay with that?"
"Oh." She exhales slowly, overwhelmed with emotion. First Jane, and now this? "Of course I'm okay with it. I love Pepper, you know that." She hesitates. "It is for Pepper, right?"
Tony squawks. "Of course it's for Pepper!"
"Good." Darcy grins. "I'm so happy for you. Can I be a bridesmaid? No, wait, I want to be the flower girl!"
"Darlene, you are twenty-five years old."
"Your point?" Darcy smirks. "Wasn't it you who said, "My girl, you can be anything you want to be." I can have Jarvis pull up the home videos if you don't believe me."
"I let you get a Poli-Sci degree."
"Only after I refused to talk to you for a month."
"And the hunger strike." Tony sounds exhausted just thinking about it. "And the ridiculing me on social media."
Darcy smirks at the memory. She was a very dramatic teenager, but who could blame her with Tony 'I am Iron Man' Stark for a father. "When are you planning on asking?"
"Our anniversary. I'm taking her to the Maldives." He says, sounding quite far from the phone. He's put her on speaker, she surmises. Fair enough. "That's where her parents got engaged."
"Oh, dad. That's so cute." Darcy sticks out her bottom lip, warmth surrounding her chest. "I can't wait."
"Me too." He clears his throat, still as uncomfortable with emotion as always. "Alright, gotta go. I wanna get these water-bottles in production." He says.
"See you on Tuesday."
"Tuesday." He agrees. "Ti Amo."
Darcy smiles so wide her eyes crease at the corners. "Ti Amo, Papi."
She puts the phone back into her pocket and walks through the apartment and into the kitchen, where she finds Jane hunched over her laptop. "Everything okay in here?"
Jane looks up from the screen. "I have secured a raven."
"Awesome." Darcy smiles. "Good price?"
"Eh." Jane shrugs. "They're always more expensive on rush-order. I made an appointment with Shield medical tomorrow too." She looks back at the screen.
"Good idea." Darcy collapses onto the marshmallow couch. "You order the food yet?"
"Mhm." Jane pushes the laptop over to Darcy. "Look at this graph." Darcy looks at the graph. "Tell me if you can see any discrepancies. I need to go and pray."
Darcy makes a face. "You're not religious."
"I know. I'm going to pray to Frigga that her son doesn't say anything dumb when I tell him I don't want a baby." She walks out of the living room with long, confident strides.
Darcy looks down at the graph and sighs.
Ugh, math.