Peter Parker is lots of things but good isn't one of them.
Despite what everyone keeps saying.
He had heard it countless times now. From strangers he saved, his family and friends, his worst fucking nightmare.
'Aren't you a good boy Peter? Perfect on my cock.' Skip had said while he had raped him on his own bed, in his own home. Peter was only 9. He had no idea what was happening. He only knew that he felt sick and it hurt.
Peter wished he could forget but to this day he remembers every second of it.
'Peter you are good, you are so good and sometimes bad things happen to good people.' May had said after he had told them about Skip. While he felt like he had lost that's anything good about himself. She was trying to simplify the situation to a 9 years old child with easy and empty words. Because Peter hadn't really understood what had happened yet. He just knew that the last 2 months had felt like hell, that it was wrong, that he hated Skip.
She was trying to comfort him but it did nothing but hurt him more.
'You are a good boy Peter.' Uncle Ben had said days before he got shot.
He was looking at him, smiling and eyes full of love but nowadays when he remembers that moment he sees blood on his teeth and accusing eyes.
'You are good kid but you are too young to be on the streets saving people. This is not your place. Go home.' first man he had ever saved had told him to go home. That he was too young.
Peter remembers the kind eyes of the man. He was only trying to help him but Peter was just learning how to control his powers and he was too high on adrenalin to care about his own safety.
He thinks about what would've happened if he had listened. If he had gone home and acted like nothing was wrong with him, like he didn't have the powers he had. He would've had a normal life.
He can't decide if the thing he feels in his heart when he thinks about a normal life is envy or contempt.
'He is good Pepper. Every inch of him is full of compassion and childish wonder. He is so fucking smart.' Tony had said to Pepper. Peter hadn't meant to eavesdrop but it was hard not to with his heightened senses.
He had no idea what Tony was trying to do but while Tony was praising him, Peter was in Harley's room making out with him behind Tony's back.
'Peter you are a good person, you may have failed but at least you tried. You are only sixteen. It's not your job to save everyone and you can't. You can't save everyone.' Mj had said it after he had failed to save a little girl.
Mj was trying to make him see some sense but the only thing he could see was the little girl lying on the cold hard ground with a bullet wound on her forehead.
'Peter you are the best boyfriend ever, fuck, you are so good. You feel so good.' Harry had said while he was inside Peter. It was Harry's birthday.
Harry was just trying to express what he felt but all Peter could think was Harley inside him.
He wonders when he had become this kind of a man.
Not only he is cheating on his boyfriend but he thinks about Harley while he is with him too.
Harry is not a bad person. They had known each other since they were children. They are good friends and Harry worships the ground he walks on.
But Peter doesn't love him.
At least not the way Harry loves him.
Peter doesn't love him but he can't find it in himself to end the relationship. It's been years since their relationship started. Peter doesn't even remember when. He doesn't remember how, who asked, where. It's all a big blur.
He wonders who he should feel sorry for. Harry because he is in love with a man like Peter, a liar and a cheater or himself because somedays he hates Harry and his touch and every word coming out of his mouth but he is not strong or good enough to call it quits.
'You are the only good thing in my life Peter.' Harley had said between kisses with glowing eyes while he was drunk.
Harley was trying to say 'i love you' without really saying it but Peter was too busy refusing the call from Harry.
Despite the pain Peter feels, despite the pain he causes to Harley, Harley may be the smallest stain on Peter's conscience.
Because he can't bring himself to regret that he had fallen in love with Harley.
All the other things, he can regret all of them and he does regret most of them but he can't regret loving Harley.
What people don't seem to understand is that Peter is not good.
He never has been.
People who know Peter thinks he is all sunshine and soft smiles. People who know Spiderman thinks he is reliable, confident, got everything figured out.
Peter Parker is none of those things.