Chapter 21
If anyone ever asked if Tony had watched the Twilight movies, he would adamantly deny ever watching them. However, raising you, he’s possibly watched them once or twice. And watching you the weeks after losing your grandparents might felt like that scene in New Moon where Bella is sitting and the room moves around her but she’s numb to the world. But again, he’s never seen it, so he wouldn’t know.
But unlike losing a vampire boyfriend, you’re mourning the loss of the two people that raised you. Two people that you expected to have with you for years. And losing them within weeks of each other hit you even harder. There’s no sparkle in your eyes anymore. Whatever had been going on before their deaths, was not even a priority any more. All you do is go to school, sit silently through class (according to the kid, Ted, Mary, and Beth), come home and sit listening to music and not much else. Even calling your friends by the wrong name on purpose doesn’t bring you out of it.
“I don’t know what to do, Pep.”
“I know. I don’t know if there’s much we can do though. We’ve tried to get therapy, tried to get her to talk to use, to Peter, to anyone. But if anything, this is her Blip, but she has no way to bring them back. And don’t offer time travel, because she will eventually still lose them all over again.” Pepper is quiet for a moment but then speaks again. “I hate that she’s hurting and there’s nothing we can do about it. A part of her died with them.” It’s a statement, because they can both see it.
“Peter said she’s tried pushing him away too. I think she’s scared of loving anyone else because she might lose them too.”
“Sounds like someone else when they found out about Morgan.” And suddenly, Tony had an idea.
“Love you.” He says, kissing her on the cheek before starting up the stairs.
Your room is silent apart from the fan circling lazily. You’re wrapped under the patchwork quilt that your birth mom made you. Tony wishes he remembered more about her, because there is probably so much of her in you, but she really was a one night stand during a party phase. But what he can do is be there for you through this.
Tony lays down next to you, but you keep looking at the ceiling. “You don’t need to say anything kiddo. But I didn’t want you to have to be alone.”
“I am.” You whisper and he knows this is the grief.
“You might feel like it, but I’m right here. Your mom is here for you. Morgan is here for you. The list goes on.”
“It doesn’t matter. In the end, we’re nothing but worm food. What’s the point in this?”
“In living?”
“In loving anyone.”
“The creation of something beautiful.” This answer isn’t what you’re expecting. And he can see your eyebrows pulling together, but not saying anything, so he continues. “If there was no love, there would be no writers, no artists, nothing that is beautiful in the world. Love is our human emotions, our empathy. Art is how we handle an overwhelming amount of feelings. And grief, pain, it turns into some of the most beautiful art in the world. Like Monet’s paintings or those plays Pep loves or—”
“Sylvia Plath’s words.” You finish his sentence.
“Exactly. Just like all of the books you love reading that leave you with tear stained cheeks, that is human emotion spread out on a page.”
“And what happens if the grief consumes us before any art is created.”
“I know it won’t.” Tony’s hand wants to wipe your tears away but you look like you’re one heartbreak away from shattering. “I promise you, the sun will shine on us again.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because I’ve fought with Gods by my side. You have to have a little bit of faith after that.” He smirks, but when you don’t laugh, he continues. “And it’s how I learned that even in grief, good can happen. I thought when I lost you, that was the end of everything. I didn’t think I would ever be capable of being a father to anyone, because I couldn’t keep my own child safe. But then I met Morgan. I saw her and I knew the only gift, the only way I could be the father she needed and deserved was if I could work until I brought her older sister home. Because she needed you. I need you. The world needs you. And someone once told me that only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, it’s a circle, circling around again.”
You roll your eyes at your dad quoting a song that was on your Tony Stark Can Rot playlist. “Since when are you an Andy Grammer fan?”
It’s the first thing you’ve said that is the you he hasn’t had in almost two months. But he will cherish you coming back, piece by piece. “I happened to have a wonderful kid who made a great playlist for me.”
“Pretty sure it was in spite of you.”
“Potato, tomato. All I know is, he’s right. And I seem to remember one of your favorites writing something about ‘it’s fine to fake it til you make it, til you do.”
“‘Til it’s true.’” You finish the lyrics from one of the best new albums that has come from post Blip.
“Stuff your pockets full of all the stars kiddo. Because no matter how dark it feels, I’ve got flashlights and glow in the dark star stickers and nano tech to light up a path for you until you find it for yourself. I’m right here and it’s never going to change. It’s you and me to the end kiddo. I’ve lost you once and nothing anyone thinks of can cause that to happen ever again.” For the first time in months, it hits you. It doesn’t matter what Keiron says, or if your dad is bribing your way through high school. All that matters is this spot, this second in the universe. Because you’re here and you know your dad will do whatever he thinks is the best for you, no matter how misguided.
“I’m scared Daddy.” You whisper, finally looking at him. Tears sit on the brims of your eyes, threatening to join the tracks down your cheeks at any moment.
“Scared of what?” He knows he will fight any fears you have. He wants to see you smile. To see you make jokes with your sister. To be happy again.
“What if I can’t be me any more?”
“Why couldn’t you?”
“Because I don’t know if it exists. Sometimes, I’m sick of the person I’ve becoming. And I know that people say I just need time to like breathe, but I see it. I know that I’m becoming tired of me. Of hurting the people I love. Or not meeting the standards they need. Or causing them less benefits than the return on investment asks for.”
“Kiddo, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you could do that would cause us to think having you in our lives is not a benefit. You being you is all I ever needed. Even when I didn’t know I needed you. Ask your mom. You helped me more than you know. You’re the reason I think twice before doing anything stupid in battle—“
“Your lack of arm would say otherwise.” Your eyes trace the lightning scars that are usually hidden under band tees and flannels.
“That wasn’t a stupid thing. It was doing whatever it took to get my kid back. And I don’t regret a single thing during that battle. But besides that. I sleep more than I ever had. I don’t work for days on end in the lab, skipping out on meals or surviving on coffee and spite. I want to hear the stories of your friends and their petty drama because I lived through five years without you. You are one of the greatest surprises I have ever received and the best gift the universe has ever given me. You showed me that me having a kid wasn’t the worst thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was always terrified that I would be like my dad. He was distant, put work before me, and a bunch of other things that aren’t good.” You try to think back to the talks you and your dad had about your paternal grandfather, but the details are fuzzy at best.
“Did he hurt you?”
“Yeah.” The one word was choked out and almost hard for Tony to admit to you, but he knows you need honesty right now. He clears his throat before continuing, “Stark men have iron in their veins was the only thing he ever felt I needed to know.”
“Oh Dad.” You throw your arms around him and he holds you close. Letting go of all the hurt from back then, and the harsh words that had been thrown around the weeks leading up to your grandparents’ deaths. “You’re nothing like him.”
“Yes and no.” Your eyes look up at him and he continues. “When we went back for the stones, to get you back, I… I met him. But not as me. I met him as just another scientist. And it was in the months right before I was born. He said something that stuck with me, even after we left.”
“What did he say?”
“Well he said at first he was hoping for a little girl. Because there was less of the chance she would turn out like him. That the greater good tends to always outweigh his own self interests. Also said if it was a boy, Mom wanted to name me Alfonzo. Which thank Thor she didn’t. But then he asked when my kids were born was I nervous. And I said I had been wildly nervous. Especially since with you, you had the mouth to tell me when I did wrong. Morgan just spat up on me. But then we ended up talking about the one thing he did teach me- that no amount of money ever bought a second of time.” You hear the words of your other grandfather coming from your father. “But he said something that was the moment I understood everything. He said, that he hadn’t even met the kid and there wasn’t a thing he wouldn’t do for him, or well me but he didn’t know that. Either way, that’s when I realized, he did the best he could and he was right. I knew from the second I got the phone call from MSST that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for you. And that’s still true now. I would do anything for you.”
“And what about when everywhere I look, I only see their faces and I feel like I’m ready to break all over again?”
“Then I will walk with you each step, picking up any pieces that might break off and hold them until you feel ready to snap them back into place.”
“I hear their voices. Constantly. And it hurts every time. Because I just want them back from one more second.”
“That’s how I felt when I found out Maria had been killed.”
“Who?” You don’t think you’ve ever heard that name. Your brows pull together as you try to remember it coming up in any conversation before now, but are coming up with nothing.
“My mom. I forget you never knew Maria Stark or even knew her name. But when I found out that my parents were dead, it was Maria’s voice I heard all the time, her face that I saw everywhere.”
“Did you feel like you were running from it?”
“At times. I think more so, I was searching for a purpose and hoping I lived up to their memory.”
“I feel…” You trail off. How do you tell your dad you’re losing a race when you’re the only person competing? That you need to run away from the voices that are pushing you to your breaking point? Tony waits to see if you’ll continue without any pushing. “I feel like I need to run.”
“Metaphorically or physically?”
You run a hand under your eyes, wiping at the tears. “Both? I feel like I need to get away from the hurt in some way.”
“Like taking a trip or something?” Tony had been tossing some ideas of trying to make you smile, but he wasn’t sure how they would be taken by you. It had only been a few weeks since you buried your Pops, and only about a month since you buried your Nana.
“Maybe? I don’t honestly know. I just need to move.” You stand up and walk towards your closet. You pull out a pair of leggings, a sweatshirt, and your tennis shoes.
“Where are you going?”
“For a run. I just told you.”
“Didn’t you one time ask me to let you skip school because of a fitness test?” Tony feels like the changes in your mood are giving whiplash, but he will take any mood that isn’t you screaming at him telling him you were a failed abortion.
“Yeah, but I need to go. Expel some energy or something.”
“Ok, but not past the house limit ok?” You nod. You know your dad is trying to give you space. And even if you went past the four mile radius, one of the wrinkles in the forehead of security would come find you and bring you back to your house.
And once your feet hit the ground wet from the melting snow, you felt like you could finally get some space from the voices, the memories, everything that was haunting you. So this started to be a constant. Wake up, run, school, run, homework, run. Your mom and dad had been keeping an eye on you, but as long as you stayed within the house limits or took some of the security people with you if running in the city or at the compound that was finally rebuilt, they let you cope with it as much as possible.
“I don’t understand how you beat me on the last stretch when I’m literally enhanced.” Peter says, breathing a little deeper than normal, but not sounding as if he just ran four miles with you.
“Practice.” You say with a small smile.
Peter was glad to have you back, even if you now wanted to run all the time. “Are you going to be ok until Happy—“
“I’ll be fine. I’m going to stretch and cool down. Maybe grab a snack. But I’ll be ok.” You see more in his dark eyes than he wants to let on about. It’s not the few minutes until Happy gets here, it’s everything lately. “I’m here and I’m ok.” You hold a hand up to run down his cheek, reminding him that you’re solid and real.
“I love you.” Peter states, holding your hand to his face for one more moment.
“If I say I know, will that get you to relax?” You tease, hoping a joke about other galaxies will calm your boyfriend who has been dealing with too much for you lately.
“No, I’d probably ask who kidnapped my girlfriend and replaced her with a Star Wars fan.”
“Well luckily, I’m not a Star Wars fan, so not kidnapped.”
“That does sound like my girlfriend.” He kisses your lips before turning towards the compound with a smile.
“Tell my dad I’m fine when he harrassses you about our run.”
“Will do babe!” He breaks into a light pace as he goes into the compound.
You let out a huff of breathe which is as close to a laugh as you’ll get. You can still hear little bits of your Pops in your head. And you can’t deal with that right now. You need to survive for mere minutes without running—
“… you ok?” Your head pops up and a dark haired man in a lab coat stands in front of you. You don’t think you’ve ever met him, the eyes behind the glasses frames don’t look familiar.
“I’m ok. Just dealing with a lot.”
“I get that. My first week working at SI was probably one of the hardest I went through. I can’t imagine interning here at your age.” He… he thinks you’re an intern?
“Sorry, you… you don’t—“
“I’m still learning peoples names and faces. Feels like so many people have started after the Blip. And then there were so many different faces after moving out here from the city. Sorry.” He looks a bit like he wishes there was more her could say to fix the situation. “Which department are you with?”
“I…I’m still figuring out what I want to do with my life.” You say, not knowing how to explain to one of the only people on the planet who don’t know you and your relation to the CEO and namesake of the company.
“It’s ok. You don’t have to tell me anything of substance if you want. I know how scary it is trusting people. Hell after I lost my family, I didn’t trust anyone. If it helps, you can call me Cue. That way, we don’t have to be sharing anything we’re not ready for. What’s a name I can call you? It doesn’t have to be yours.”
You hesitate for a moment, but the only name coming to mind is Evelyn. “Ev—Evie.” You shorten it at the last second.
His smile is reassuring. “Hi Evie, nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too, Cue.” You offer a hand out to shake, remembering the manners your Pops taught you at the last second. The hand shake you receive is firm, safe. “I lost my family.” You say softly, offering something up since he had shared with you about his.
“In the Blip or after it?”
“After it.”
“Seeing the world get everyone they loved back and knowing that someone you love is gone, it’s like a gut punch. When I could no longer come home and kiss my wife hello or pick my son up to keep him from messing with his sister, I didn’t know how I would ever be ok again.”
“Yeah, that’s how I feel.”
“It was even worse when they were taken in one swoop.” He looks away, trying to keep tears from coming. “Car crash.” He says softly. “Holly took Jenna and Jacob to the zoo. They were so excited. And they were on the phone with me when…” He trails off. “Holly didn’t even feel when…” He gives a soft cough, trying to clear his throat of the emotions. “Anyway, the house felt too lonely, so when I got the offer to move up here, I took it for the change.”
“Which department are you with?”
“Are you into the science side of things?” You grimace as you think of things that Keiron has said. “Quantum computing and metaphysical exploration. But… basically it just means I look at numbers and work with programmers too often. Not quite what I thought I’d use a quantum mechanics and biomedical degrees for, but I’ve grown to love it.”
“I hope I find something like that someday.”
“You will. It will happen when it’s supposed to.” His watch beeps. “Oh shit. I’ve got to go or I’ll miss the meeting I’m supposed to be in. It was nice meeting you Evie.”
You smile softly, and say honestly, “thanks for sharing your story with me Cue.”
“Quentin.”
“Quentin?”
“It’s what Q is short for. Quentin.”
“Bye Quentin. Have fun at your meeting.”
“If you ever need someone who understands losing your family, come find me. Just ask for Dr. Beck.” As you watch a scientist who didn’t make you feel stupid walk away, you can’t help but think that maybe Nana and Pops have sent this angel in the shape of a human to help. And the first real smile breaks free with that thought. Maybe you will be ok after all.