Chapter 19
“It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas!” It’s unsurprising that Morgan is the one to wake you up. Peeling open one eye, you glance at the clock- 6:45 am. It’s your break but you know that Morgan is way too excited to sleep anymore.
“I guess it’s morning.” You tease your sister.
“Y/N come on! Christmas! Presents! Get up! Get up! Get up!” She pulls on your covers and you get hit with a blast of colder air. Her voice suddenly drops to a whisper. “We need to see if Santa came.”
“I think we have to see if Mom and Dad are up first.” You tease her, ruffling her hair.
“You think she didn't wake us up already?” Your dad says from your doorway. It’s been weird between you and your parents since the night of the gala, but you avoid talking to them about it. Tony’s only Christmas wish is that you let him back in.
From where she’s wrapped in your dad’s arm, your mom adds, “she’s been up since five. But we told her she couldn’t wake you up yet.”
“Momo, don’t you wanna just lay in bed with me. It’s warm and cozy.” Morgan’s head jerks from side to side.
“No, I wanna see if Santa came.”
“I guess we need to go downstairs then.” Morgan is the only one you don’t treat differently, but that’s because she can’t help that your parents actually love her, while you’re just a financial burden to them. You slide on some fuzzy socks as you pull your feet from the covers. Morgan bounces on your bed, wearing her Minnie Mouse Christmas pjs.
“Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!” She repeats as she bounces.
“FRI, play some Christmas music.” Your dad says over Morgan’s cheering. Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree starts to play throughout the cabin. Christmas morning was just going to be your immediate family. After lunch, your parents, Morgan, and you were heading over to Nana and Pops’ apartment for presents and then Peter and May were joining for dinner. You also wouldn’t be surprised if some of the Avengers came over to visit at some point during the day.
“Only a morning person on Christmas is very true.” Your dad says, glancing at your gray shirt. Your pj bottoms match Morgan's green and red flannel bottoms, and even had Minnie all over them, but instead of the matching shirt, you’re wearing a graphic tee that’s more up your alley. It just happens to state how this is the only day you’ll get up early. You simply shrug and let Morgan drag you downstairs.
“I—”
“I know.” Your mom says before he even has to state anything else. She doesn’t understand either.
You sit looking at the destruction of Morgan’s, and if you’re being honest Tony’s, opening of presents. Yours sit in a pile next to you, but you’ve only opened a couple, a shirt from your mom, a book from Morgan (with help from your parents), but willing yourself to open the things you know that your parents wasted money on just because you’re a financial requirement on top of the donations they’re making to pass you is hard. This is the first Christmas with your sister. But only her joy can bring half a smile to your face.
Pepper sips her tea as she watches you. She knows that gifting holidays are hard for you, but the sadness in your eyes… it’s not like the other times she’s seen you around things like this. Morgan might think Pepper can fix anything, but figuring out the thoughts you won’t share, it’s not something she can fix. But what she does know is, she misses the happy girl you had been before the snap and right after. She would give anything to get you back.
You feign watching Morgan opening presents, feeling your mom’s eyes on you. The last thing you need is to ruin her Christmas. Well ruin it more than you already do. All you want right now is to be held by your mom. But… if you’re being honest, your mom, your real one, wanted you as much as Keiron would. Pepper chose to step into the role because she was here when you came to live with your dad. If she hadn’t…
Your throat feels like someone poured sand down it. Your brain is throwing too much at you. Too many names, faces, and things that you ne er deserves. You need space, you need to get out before you ruin everything for Morgan. But you can’t catch your breath. Out. Get. Out. GET OUT. Your brain is screaming now. And the only thing you can do is listen.
Pepper watches as you shove the gifts out of your lap and run out of the room, slam open the front door, which not only alerts Tony and Morgan that something’s wrong, but also sets off the alarm. You can’t even hear the alarm blaring behind you or feel the snow melting into your socks. All you can do is run. Run as far from here as you can.
“Y/N?” Tony calls but Morgan starts sobbing at the blaring alarm and the disruption she doesn’t understand.
“I’ll go.” Pepper says as Tony yells at FRIDAY to turn the alarm off so he can comfort your sister. She can see your footprints in the snow, so it’s not hard to find you a bit into the forest surrounding the cabin. But even if she hadn’t seen where you went, the gasps coming from you as you try to get a breath in were loud enough for her to find you by sound alone. “Y/N?” She says softly not wanting to scare you. But your eyes fly up to find her and you keep gasping for air. “Sweetheart, it’s ok. I’ve got you.” She wraps an arm around you and holds you close.
“Can’t- Can’t-“ catch a breath. She knows what you’re trying to say but can’t.
“I know.” She holds you to her tight enough that you’re laying on her chest sobbing brokenly. “Can you hear my heartbeat?” She asks calmly and isn’t surprised to feel you shake your head against her. “Listen for it. It’s there. It’s beating one right after the other.” She runs a hand through your hair. “It beats and I can take a breath in. It keeps beating and I can breathe out.” She’s trying to distract you and she hopes it works. But she’s only ever dealt with Tony’s panic attacks, not yours.
“M-Mo—“ You sob but then gasp in one big breath.
“Just like that. Breathe in with me?” She asks and lets you slowly catch your breath. The tears still flow, but she doesn’t know what happened. She can’t reassure or fix whatever is making you upset.
Finally though, you’re able to hear her heartbeat. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” You whisper.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for, sweetheart.”
“Yes I do. I ruined Morgan’s Christmas. Your Christmas. Dad’s—“
“You didn’t ruin anyone’s Christmas.” Pepper states, hoping you hear the meaning behind the words. “There is nothing you could do that would ever push us to—“
“I know.” Push them to not pay to solve the problem. It’s been hammered into you all year at school. “I’m sorry though. I… I shouldn’t be causing all these problems.”
Pepper thought you knew her meaning that you would never be able to push your family to think something was ruined or unfixable. But apparently, there’s something else going on here. “You’re not causing any problems. Not one. Do you hear me?”
“Just because I hear you doesn’t mean I don’t know how much of a burden I am.”
“Now you stop right there. You are the farthest thing from a burden. You are my daughter. You could never ever be a burden. I can’t say I understand what’s going on up here,” she taps your forehead, “but there is absolutely nothing in this world that could make it where I will not hold you, love you, and be there for you no matter what.”
“Please… please don’t lie.” You say and can’t stop the tears that return to stream down your face.
“Y/N Y/M/N, I would never in a million years lie to you. Especially about how important you are to me.” You’re shivering in your snow soaked pajamas. “Can we go inside so we can get you out of these wet clothes? I’m worried you’ll get sick.” She knows any sickness takes you twice as long to get over.
“Yeah. I’ll go. You go give Morgan the Christmas she deserves—“
“Stop. You are not leaving Christmas because Morgan deserves something that is only in your mind. You and her both deserve the best Christmas because you two are the best things in Tony and my world, ok?”
“Don’t put me on a pedestal I don’t deserve.” You say pushing away from her. You need to get out of your wet clothes like she said.
“I’m—“
“I don’t want anymore lies. You and Tony spread enough of them.” You leave her standing shocked and confused. What do you think she’s lied about? If anything, her and Tony have been as open and honest as they possibly could be.
“Y/N, what’s wrong?” Morgan asks as you come back from sitting in your dad’s lap. But instead of replying, you stomp up the stairs. “Daddy, why is Y/N mad at me?”
“It’s not you Morgona. I think something else is going on that made your sister upset.”
“Is…. Is Santa going to come back and take her presents away?” Morgan’s eyes fill up with tears. “Y/N shouldn’t be on the naughty list.”
Tony holds his youngest close. “No one is going on the naughty list.” He wants to be able to swipe her tears away, but his only hand is holding her close. He can’t help but curse Thanos in his head as he tries to calm down your sister as Pepper walks into the catastrophe. “What—“
“I don’t know.” She says before he can finish his thought.
He passes Morgan to your mom before reaching for the phone he really doesn’t use. He doesn’t really want to interrupt Peter’s morning with his aunt, but Peter is the only person who might know why you’re so upset.
“Tony?” Peter answers on the first ring. “What happened? Where do I need to be? Why can’t the bad guys let us have a holiday—“
“Whoa kiddo, slow your roll. This isn’t Avengers related.” Tony chooses his words carefully as he walks out to the kitchen so Morgan doesn’t overhear anything connecting Peter to the Avengers. “This is you being my daughter’s boyfriend related.”
“What happened? Is she ok?” Tony wants to tell the kid to calm down, but he honestly can’t say.
“I… I don’t know.”
“How do you not know?” The panic rises in Peter’s voice.
“She got upset. Opening present this morning. And ran out the front door with no explanation.” That doesn’t sound like you.
“Wait, she ran out into the snow? To like make snow angels or something?”
“No.” They both know how much you don’t like the snow, cold, or anything icy other than your coffee. “She ran out, having a panic attack, but about what Pepper and I are lost on. Do you have any clue—“
“No. I’ve been trying to figure it out forever it feels like. She’s pulling away. Has been since the gala, or really a bit before that. But she won’t tell me why. I can come over?”
“I don’t know if that will change anything. Pepper tried talking to her and it ended with her coming inside and ignoring even Morgan as she stormed off to her room.” Pepper comes into the kitchen, the sound of something Disney playing in the living room.
“Peter?” She asks and Tony nods. “Can I?” Her hand reaches out for the phone.
“Pep’s here.” Tony says before passing the phone.
“Peter, do you know why Y/N would think Tony and I have lied to her?” Pepper gets straight to her question.
“What? No. You’ve never lied to her.” Peter seems as confused and shocked as Tony looks.
The stairs into the kitchen creek. Tony and Pepper turn to see you coming down the stairs, but with a bag in hand, fully dressed. “Where are you going?” Tony asks, harsher than he means for it to come out.
“I’m going before I completely ruin Morgan’s Christmas.”
“You’re not going anywhere.” Pepper can tell Tony’s getting hotter headed with each second.
“We’ll call you back.” Pepper hangs up the phone and pulls you to a stop as you try to walk past her. “Tony’s right. You’re not going to leave, because there is no reason for you to leave. The only thing that could ruin Morgan’s Christmas is you leaving without telling her why. And quite honestly, we also don’t understand any of this.”
“She wouldn’t be dealing with all of this if I had never been born.”
“Fuck that.” Tony is seething at this point. “I don’t know who told you what, but you being born is the greatest thing that happened to Morgan, second only to you coming back from being blipped.”
“Yeah righ—“
“No. You don’t get to sarcastically deny absolute facts. You being born is never something to even consider putting into the universe. Because Thanos tried to take you and you saw what happened. Time travel. To bring you and only you back. I could care less if anyone else had come back. But you,” your dad takes a breath so it’s a bit calmer before he states what Pepper knows is his personal truth of the blip. “I would have given up every other human, every other Avenger, to keep you, Pep, and Morgan safe. I still would.”
“I was a failed abortion. A mistake. And now you’re spending— no wasting money on the medical system fucking up.”
“Absolutely not.” Your dad pulls you into him and you struggle against him.
“Let me go!” You try to shove out of his arm, but he holds on tighter.
“No. I won’t let you go. I won’t let you run out that door. Especially when it sounds like you want to die. In fact, FRI, code black.” Pepper knows what code black means. The doors, the windows, no escape route is open to you to run away from whatever is going through your head.
You shove out of his arms finally and run to yank on the door, but it’s sealed. “You can’t keep me locked in here. I’m not going to be prisoner when I’m trying to release you from the burden—“
“If you try to tell me that you are a burden, a mistake, a failed abortion, or anything else, I will absolutely lose the little cool I have left.” Tony’s voice drops to nearly a whisper, the way it does when he is trying to stay calm, but is very close to saying anything and everything that is in his brain, whether he wants to or not. “You are one of the two greatest achievements in my life. The only greatest achievements. You and Morgan.”
“Bullshit. Tell that to every wing you ever got for saving the planet. Tell that to the people who have lived because of your fucking scientific discoveries.”
“Fuck all of that. None of those matter to me. You. Morgan. Pep. You three are the only things, the only people I care about. I would let the world burn to save you three. Hell, I’d become a villain to keep you three safe. Nothing else in this world matters to me.”
You can’t help but laugh. Which shatters your parents control of the situation. “You think I don’t know? All the fucking things that you, oh great master of the universe have done? Everyone, from classmates to reporters to strangers on the street, even Peter, make sure to tell me just what good you’ve done and how grateful I should be. But I won’t be grateful for lies that you spread to try and appease me. I will not kiss your feet in thanks. I’m not one of your robots that you can program into being good at whatever you deem necessary in life. You should have let me think I was a nobody. You should have let me disappear when the blip happened. Because no matter what you think, or lie to yourself and others, I’m not needed for harmony. Thanos proved that.“
“Absolutely not. You don’t get to quote Thanos at me. You want to talk lies? Lies is a synonym for Thanos. One of the worst villains I have ever had to completely destroy. And I would destroy him a million times over to keep you alive. I would destroy anybody to keep you alive.”
“You don’t fucking care about me. You—“
“You don’t get to tell me what I think or not. When it comes to you, I do fucking care! I fucking care so much that you can call me a fucking prostitute of feelings. Because nothing mattered until you came into my life. And you can scream and yell all you want. But you can’t change the fact that being your dad is the best thing in my entire life. I would be fine being a nobody, being broke, being a certified idiot, but I will never be fine not being your dad. And no one, not even you, get to try and tell me I don’t feel that way.”
“You and Pepper are putting me on fucking pedestals I never deserved. You want the world to not know anything that’s actually me!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Tony can’t even address the calling them by their names.
“No matter how many times you both deny it, I’m not a complete idiot. But I don’t have to sit here and listen to more lies—“
“What lies?” Pepper’s voice cuts through your words. Her soft words are unaccusing. She just wants to figure out where all of this is coming from. “You say we’re lying, but what are we lying about?”
“You want the whole list? Fine. How about we start with the first lie? You both say you wanted me. But I know everything I ruined—“
“Stop!” All three of you freeze as Morgan stands in the door of the kitchen, tears starting to fall. “Santa’s going to put everyone on the naughty list!”
“I was already there.” You say, not meaning for Morgan to really hear you.
“You’re being a meanie butt!” It’s the harshest thing Morgan has ever said to you. “You’re being a meanie butt to me and I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“I…” Morgan is right. She didn’t do anything. “I’m sorry Momo—“
“I don’t like you right now.” Morgan ran up the stairs, tears running down her face.
“Guess I was right. I did fucking ruin Christmas.” You seethe before running up the stairs to your own room.
“What the actual fuck just happened?” Tony states the question he knows Pepper has going through her mind too.
“I wish I knew.” Pepper runs a hand through her hair. “I think our best bet right now, is call and cancel the rest of the plans for today. We can let Y/N sulk for a bit and address this once everyone has calmed down.”
“I think we need to just time travel back to before today started…”
“No. No more time traveling. She’s already upset enough. We’re not going to put her sadness back into a box without figuring out why you completely lost it.
But while your parents are downstairs trying to figure out how everything went so wrong, you decide it’s time to just stop being the problem. From now on, it’s time to become the perfect child they need. Which means no more asking for help. You can suffer through it all alone. No more relying on anyone. Because relying on everyone made you, in how Morgan perfectly phrased it, a meanie butt. From now on, only perfect will work. And until you are, you’ll just keep pushing and pushing to be perfect.
“FRIDAY, lock my door. I don’t want to talk to anyone today.”
“Emergency protocol—“
“I know FRIDAY. But unless it’s an actual emergency, I don’t want to be around anyone.”
“Ok Y/N.” Merry Fucking Christmas to you. You’re getting the gift of being alone, just like you always should have been.