Self-Discovery

It had been hard to keep the obscuring masks up continually, and Loki was glad, in a way, that the exercise had been modified. His mother had apparently gotten in touch with his teachers, and the trial period had been decreased from one month to ten days. He knew he could eventually work up to a full month, though, and felt vaguely cheated. He'd finished the shortened practice period and been ordered to spend three days not practicing at all. Part of him felt that he had failed, that he just wasn't good enough and they were patronizing him. It left a sour taste in his mouth and a shadow over his mood. He'd been promised a proper explanation, though, and today he was getting it.

He was surprised to see not one, but two of the Healers waiting with Yven, his primary teacher, and the implications of that immediately worried him. The only times more than one Healer had been involved in lessons previously had been either lessons on Healing, or potentially very dangerous ones where immediate intervention was the only way to keep someone from accidentally dying.

"Loki," Yven began, "please obscure yourself."

Her grave face and serious tone worried him further, but he had learned to trust his teachers and followed the order without question. She immediately relaxed. "Today's lesson will be difficult for you, and I apologize in advance," she said, obscuring herself as well, and began walking, indicating that he should follow. One of the Healers joined them, the other stayed behind. That seemed a little odd.

"You are aware that you are currently unSeen by Heimdal, correct?" He nodded. "Heimdal is loyal to Odin and Odin alone. We will be starting lessons that you must practice only when hidden from his sight, and I would recommend never practicing while on Asgard. But first, there are things you need to know that Odin must not know you are aware of. None of us, not even your mother, know why Odin refuses to tell you what I am about to impart, but you have a right to know.
"To prevent Heimdal from alerting Odin to your new knowledge, you MUST maintain your mask, despite the emotional effects my words are likely to cause. We have no idea what he would do if he knew this secret had been told. You may consider this your final test for this skill. Believe me that it is at least as difficult to hold a mask when you are experiencing strong emotions as it is to maintain a long-term mask. You have already shown you can do that, and longer times require only practice.
"Margol has stayed behind to create the impression that you are still in that room so Heimdal will not look elsewhere for you. We will return at the end of the lesson to further the impression you never left - there is more than one way to trick the All-Seer's Sight." A half-smile quirked her lips.

They had come to the gardens, and Loki breathed in the scents of herbs and flowers as they walked slowly along one of the gently curving paths. It relaxed him, as always. His teachers always took good care of him, and Yven was obviously trying to make whatever was coming as pleasant as possible for him. Which, really, just made it all the more likely that this test was, indeed, a difficult one.

"First: the reason we shortened your trial period is that Odin became suspicious, even alarmed, that you could slip from Heimdal's sight. Frigga calmed him, but it is best he thinks you - and by extension we - cannot long maintain an obscuring mask. Odin uses the magic of Asgard - that which he arrogantly calls the Odinforce - for many things, but does not truly understand it. You will be far safer if he underestimates what you can do." Yven paused, waiting for Loki to acknowledge he understood.

It hurt, slightly, but he had known for a long time that his father didn't trust him, didn't really seem to like him much. He took a deep breath, and nodded his acceptance as he exhaled.

She indicated one of the garden benches along the path, and they sat. Loki cuddled against her side when she offered an open arm. He needed the closeness, the feeling of safety and warmth she offered. He'd long been taught that such was weakness, but he'd learned here to accept comfort from others. The Elves didn't consider it weakness; they considered it a way of strengthening each other. The Healer who had accompanied them busied himself nearby, tending and harvesting the plants.

"Second: you are not Odin's son-by-blood. He adopted you at the end of the Jotun war." Yven continued, watching him closely. "This changes nothing of the past. Frigga loves you as her own and has long wanted to tell you this. Odin, for reasons we do not fully know, bound her to silence on the matter. She literally cannot speak to you of this. She found a way around the geas by having us tell you. It took her several years of work and much pain to accomplish even this much, and you must not ever discuss the matter directly with her. Not by written nor by spoken word. She loves you with all her heart; trust in this." She paused, giving Loki time to take in her words, knowing they would hurt.

It was like the foundations of his life had tilted, slightly. Everything was just a little skewed and off-kilter. Mental vertigo hit and left him dizzy, his world spinning. It took far longer, this time, for him to regain his composure, and he found himself curled on his teacher's lap, being held close as tears threatened to fall. It hurt... but it explained so much of his father'sOdin's bias toward Thor. He focused on the warmth of the sunlight and Yven's arms, the scents of the garden and deliberately relaxed again, willing his thought to settle into a new pattern before nodding his readiness to continue.

"I need you to check your mask, now, Loki. There is one thing more I must tell you, and I fear it will be the hardest for you to hear and the most likely to break your concentration and leave you revealed to Heimdal's Sight. I am right here, and can hide you for a brief time if your mask fails, but it will not be ideal. I am sorry in advance, but this truly is for your benefit." He really didn't like where this was going, but steeled himself, shoring up his mask as best he could, and making sure the mechanisms for keeping it intact even while sleeping were as strong as he could manage.

"Odin has hidden your heritage and the manner of your adoption from you. You were taken from the ruins of a temple, at the end of the sacking of Jotumheim's capital." He looked at her uncomprehendingly, not daring to think what she could mean. "Loki, you are not Aesir."

No, please don't say it

"You are Jotun."

He cracked.

Loki came back to himself slowly, the pungent scent of crushed herbs filling his senses. Softly murmured words filled his ears and he became aware of arms holding him close to a warm body and a gentle hand stroking his back. His eyes were sore and gummy with tears, and his throat hoarse from his cries, but he was too worn out to feel more than a dull ache.

A different hand briefly stroked his hair, and suddenly the words around him began making sense again.

"-ook that better than I'd feared, but I'm glad you were here, Amit. I think he nearly lost his Self for a moment, there."

Amit? ...Aaamiiitt... that was... someone's name? he thought.

A deep chuckle. "It always pays to be prepared. He's coming around, now. He'll be fine given time. I'll prepare some calming teas. He should drink them tonight, at least, and have them on hand for the next few days while he sorts himself out. Bornia will have him in for some meditations this evening, as well.
"He's got that mask down pretty well - hardly showed a crack; you might consider starting him on actual shields. He's got such strength of will for one so young. I don't think even Master Osgrne will be his match once he's fully grown into his power. If his talents were even a hair more geared toward healing, I'd take him off your hands so fast you'd lose a finger. But this one is Fire and Mischief and Chaos through and through. He'll change the world, just wait and see."

The hand stroked his hair again, accompanied by another chuckle, this time met with a rumble from the chest he was being held to. Oh, right, Yven had been holding him. Amit must be the Healer. He opened his eyes... tried to open his eyes. The lashes were stuck uncomfortably and he raised his hand to clear them.

"Welcome back, Loki. And congratulations on holding your mask. It cracked a little but did not fail. Given your reaction to the news I shared, that is very, very impressive. Had we remained where we began, you'd likely have been seen - or at least your presence noted. I don't think more than that would have escaped. You did very well. I am so proud of you, and your mother will be, too."

His breath hitched at that, though he couldn't say whether it was from the praise or mention of his mother.

"I had promised you a new area of study when you passed this test, had I not?" Loki nodded dully. He couldn't quite find the excitement the promise had stirred in him before. He vaguely hoped that maybe when he wasn't so tired he'd feel that way again. "We will first be reviewing proper Anchoring, then move to Shielding - which builds off masks. And when you are more settled, and have come to terms with ... everything, we will begin practicing Ice Magic. It is an ability inherent to the Jotun, whether or not they are Seidr users. It cannot be dampened or bound the way Seidr can, though there are other ways of producing similar limitations. Jotun mages are often skilled at Shapeshifting, as well, so you just might have two new abilities to work with."

Loki shivered slightly at the reminder of the sort of monster he was and Yven's arms tightened briefly in reassurance. He could hear the rueful smile in her voice, though, when she added "I'm sure you'll find changing your shape useful for all sorts of mischief. And since it is not widely known you have those abilities, you'll likely get away with far more than you should. I do ask that you be extra careful, though. Having a hidden dagger, so to speak, is useful in far more than just pranks."

Oh... that's true. Maybe it would be enough.

"Please focus, Loki. We must review your Anchors." Bornia scolded him lightly. "We have been over this previously: A Mage must know his Self, the boundaries of his mind and soul and Seidr. It is vital for any safe working of Seidr, particularly as you move into more complex workings."

"I already know that. We spent my first six weeks on Alfheim going over Anchoring even though I learned from my mother. You wanted to test my knowledge, and make sure I had gotten the lessons. I've already done this. Why must we do it all again?" Loki was almost ready to cry in frustration. He'd been almost pleasantly numb the first few days after learning just what Odin had kept from him. Now he wanted to weep and rage and hide from the world and burn it all down, all at once. Bornia and Yven had been so patient with him the last few weeks - he knew they were concerned and trying to help... but it didn't make it better.

"I know, Loki. You did show fair mastery when you arrived, but your knowledge of your Self has been altered. Your heritage was deliberately kept from you and learning the truth has unsettled your sense of self more than you will admit. Remember, a Mage cannot afford to lie to himself. Lie to whomever else you choose, but never to yourself. And you're best off not lying to your teacher, either, when asked about your state of self. I know your emotions are all askew. It shows in your Seidrwork. I also know that finding your Self again will settle your emotions, but waiting for your emotions to settle will do nothing to regain your Self.
"We will work on other things as well, I promise. Unlike the first time, I know that you understand Anchoring. We will not be spending hours upon hours on it. This is not about relearning the theory. You must learn anew where you end and the universe begins, and we can do that through other exercises and study in addition to these meditations. But the meditations are necessary right now. If you will focus, and set aside your complaints, you will find this part goes quickly. Now, close your eyes, take a deep breath, find your Center."

"Amit, have you a bit of time? I could use your advice."

The Healer looked up at the sound of Yven's voice. "Of course. For you I always have time."

She smiled, briefly. "It's about Loki. He's settling back into himself and we're working on accessing his Jotun abilities, but..."

"He's still unwilling to accept that part of himself? I suspect Odin ensured the rampant distrust and hatred the Aesir hold toward our colder colleagues was harped upon by his previous tutors. Frigga's husband is a thoroughgoing bastard, after all."

"The Jotun were quite thoroughly demonized, yes, and we're working through it as best we can. Unfortunately, there's worse." Amit raised his eyebrow at that, and Yven couldn't help the grimace - it was already bad enough. "There is a binding on Loki's power. It is almost certainly the One-eyed King's work as it is tied to Asgard's magic. I do not dare break it, as he would notice when Loki next goes home. I fear the consequences for Loki."

"How dare he?! That power-mad old wolf goes too far with this! First hiding truths about the boy's heritage and now this? Did the old fool WANT him driven mad when the truth eventually came out? Because it inevitably would."

"I don't know, Amit, and the possibility terrifies me! Even bound, Loki's Seidr is remarkably strong, and he's not yet fully grown into it. Losing control when fully adult would have been catastrophic, and Odin can't be ignorant of that.
"If I'm giving the benefit of the doubt, I'd say the binding was to keep everyone around him safe until Loki could learn some measure of control. If his Seidr was sufficiently strong as an infant, that's what I would do. But given everything else - the lies and cultivated ignorance... I'm not sure the benefit of the doubt is warranted. Particularly as it is chiefly his Jotun abilities that are bound through a spell that keeps him in Aesir form, though his Seidr is affected as well."

"I'll take a look, of course. Perhaps we can find a way to temporarily remove the binding?"

"We could remove it, certainly, and make a new binding as well. But as I said, it's tied into Asgard's magic in some way. We could not replicate that signature, and the difference would be noted."

"Would it, though? Odin is a mage of some ability, but not particularly well trained. He always preferred strength of arms over strength of mind. If not for wresting the magic of Asgard to his control, he'd have barely mediocre power at best. Would he truly notice the difference?"

"We have to assume he would. He's paranoid enough to check."

"I suppose you're right at that. Perhaps we could arrange an 'accident' requiring advanced healing and remove the binding as part of it?"

"No. Absolutely not. Any accident bad enough for that extensive of healing would get Loki recalled to Asgard - where Odin would undoubtedly replace it. And I'd not risk Loki's life like that anyway."

"True. If we were that desperate, such subterfuge would be pointless. Still, he needs to be able to practice. Perhaps we could transfer it to another? Keep the spell intact and move it to a different target?"

"I'm not sure that is even possible, but we could look into it."

"We should get Loki involved as well. He's bright enough to possibly help, and deserves to know besides. We can pass the lessons off as a study of healing magics."

"That might work. I have no better ideas in any case. Thank you, Amit. I'll make the arrangements and inform Frigga of our concerns. Perhaps she will be able to give us a hint or two."

"Well, be careful. She doesn't need to suffer trying to force words past that geas. Perhaps she'd be able to tell us if anyone else has any knowledge of it more easily than to speak of it directly."