Regret
NATASHA POV:
Wanda was working insanely hard on her recovery. A few hours ago, she had approached the topic of going back to her room. A small fight had broken out which I think had more to do with memories coming back to Wanda than it did her wanting to go to her room but luckily, it was small and we both got over it fairly easily.
She had wanted to go to her room so although I didn't believe that that was the main cause of the argument, I still wanted to respect her wishes and get her back to her room. It wasn't going to be super easy though, she could barely move. I also felt safer with her in the med bay where all of the life-saving equipment was in case we needed it. We ended up talking to Dr. Cho though and got a list of requirements Wanda had to meet before we were able to let her leave.
So, all afternoon had been spent on getting her out of bed and around the room. She was in immense pain but she pushed through until she was able to do it. She must've wanted to go back to her room more than I had thought. There were several moments during getting her out of bed that I almost called it off and forced her to get back into bed but she kept going and made it.
Now we just had to get her off of the catheter, which Helen would do later, and get her to intake some more. The latter was honestly probably going to be the hardest based on her past history with eating.
"Wanda," I started, "Are you up to eating a little bit before you go back to sleep?" Wanda had been doing better with staying awake for most of the day but she was still sleeping more than an average person and I knew that she would probably want to get some more sleep after that intense PT.
She looked at me and her eyes showed me that she was hesitant but she nodded. Clint went to go grab her some food while we sat there, just watching TV. I honestly didn't expect her to say yes after the pain that she just went through but I was proud of her.
Clint came back moments later with a bagel, some cream cheese, and a pudding cup. "Eat what you can kiddo," he told her as he placed the food items on her tray near her bed.
I helped her lift her bed slowly back into a sitting position to help support her ribs before pushing the tray closer. "Clint's right, you don't have to eat all of it if you can't." Her eating had dropped a lot since when she first woke up. She had been doing relatively well at first but as she moved much, causing more pain, it also caused a decrease in her intake but we had been letting it slide. We needed to start pushing it again though if she was going to head back to her room.
She started with the bagel, slowly opening the tiny container of cream cheese to spread on her bagel. I watched as her shaky hand spread the cream cheese over both halves of the bagel. It was a plain bagel so hopefully it would agree with her stomach. We didn't exactly want her vomiting, especially because of the additional pain it would cause her ribs.
She slowly but surely ate the entire bagel. She didn't touch the pudding but she had eaten an entire bagel so I definitely wasn't going to complain. I placed the pudding on the bedside table so she could grab it later if she got hungry before re-lowering her bed to a more comfortable position for her ribs.
Her good hand went to lay over her hurt ribs, a common position since she woke up. Broken and bruised ribs sucked. They hurt. There was no way to put them in a cast and you use your ribs for way more than you think so they definitely suck a lot. They also took a long time to heal, especially when hers kept shifting before they had time to start healing. Hopefully her ribs would start mending themselves soon though which would make moving around a lot more bearable.
I dimmed the lights and told her to get some rest before Helen came back later that evening to check on her. She was exhausted from her earlier session of movement and fell asleep within 5 minutes.
"She's not getting out of here today," I told Clint in a hushed voice once I was sure she was asleep. "Sure she ate a little more and got out of bed once but that one time caused her immense pain and she has to do it at least one more time to even have a chance of getting home to prove she can use the bathroom. She'll be pissed but I think it'll be another few days before Helen and Bruce feel comfortable with letting her leave."
"Yeah, I know," Clint agreed with me. "I'm pretty sure Helen wants to see her making a constant upward climb, not just getting out of bed once and eating a whole bagel. She's going to have to show that she can consistently get in and out of bed and that she can maintain this new eating habit. Otherwise, I don't think she's going anywhere for a while. I would even say that there's a chance Helen won't let her leave until she can get in and out of the bed by herself, without immense pain."
"Yeah," I sighed, knowing Wanda wasn't going to like it. "And she still has that internal infection. We've started antibiotics but she'll probably need another exam before we even know if they're helping at all. She won't like that either."
"Poor kiddo," he sympathized, looking at Wanda, "She'll be okay though. She's strong."
"I know, I just wish this hadn't happened to her. If I hadn't left or been so hard on her, she never would have run away. It's my fault this happened," I said in a hushed voice, not wanting Wanda to wake up.
"Nat," Clint said, "This isn't your fault."
"Yes it is," I snapped. I glanced up and saw him giving me a stern look. I quickly looked back down before apologizing. "Sorry for snapping, but it is, I should've been gentler with her. Hell, I never should have left her alone."
"She wasn't alone, I was here and she had the rest of the Avengers too. Tell me Tasha, do you really think that you would have been able to give her adequate support had you not left to go see Laura and instead stayed here?"
I hesitated before speaking the truth, "No, probably not."
"Exactly, you needed to leave and take a break. She was well taken care of. Sure, once you got back things could have been handled a little bit differently but that's not your fault either. This was the first time you had to deal with anything like this and I gave you the wrong advice. I never would have imagined that Wanda would have run away once you got back. While you were gone I was a little worried but she didn't. These horrible things happened but Nat, you found her, she's safe."
"But what if I didn't," I said with a bit of a raised voice, tears filling my eyes thinking of all of the possibilities of what could have happened to her had we not found her in time.
"C'mon," Clint said as he stood up, gently touching my shoulder to lead me out of the room. I hesitated, not wanting to leave Wanda, but Clint continued to lead me out into the hallway, telling me that Wanda would be fine.
I was starting to process my emotions given this entire situation and it wasn't going to be fun or pretty. At least I would get it out of the way so that I could make sure I was 100% ready to help Wanda when she started processing. That was going to be even worse than this is about to be.
I was sniffling, trying to keep my tears at bay as Clint turned me to face him. "Hey, she's okay and you're okay," Clint said as he looked at me worriedly.
"What if we didn't find her in time Clint, what if they killed her or kept torturing her until there was none of her left?" We both know I meant her personality. Wanda was already different given the few days that she was there, I'm not sure how much longer she could have made it. My breathing was picking up and coming in shorter gasps at this point.
"But we did. We can play the what-if game but none of that happened. She's okay-"
"None of that is okay!" I screamed, gesturing towards her hospital room. "She can't move! She can't eat! She's not processing anything yet and until she does, none of this will be okay."
"I know Nat, but she's alive and she's recovering. She could have been a lot worse, you're right, but she's not and she's here and alive."
"We almost lost her that night," I choked out, tears falling no matter how hard I tried to hold them in. That night, the night we found her, no one was sure if she was going to make it. She was in bad condition. Luckily we have two of the best doctors in the entire world who saved her life through several hours of surgery but it was close.
"I know Tasha," I could see Clint's eyes getting misty too. "I know." He leaned his forehead against mine and we both stood in the hallway, silent tears falling down our faces thinking of the poor teenager behind the door.
We stayed there and cried for a few minutes until I ended up in a panic attack. I had a wonderful skill of thinking my way into panic attacks, especially when it came to people I cared about. I had been running different horrible scenarios into my head and ended up working myself into a full-blown panic attack.
I pulled away from Clint and sat down, leaning against the wall. I put my head between my knees as I tried to take deep breaths. I felt a hand rubbing circles on my back and knew it was Clint.
"What if we lost her?" I cried out, trying to breathe.
"We didn't, I know it's scary but she's okay, she's alive, she's breathing, she's right here."
"Clint, I'm a horrible mother," I said, pulling my head back up from between my knees. "I can't protect her. First, I forced her to go to a school where she met horrible influences and drank and put herself in danger on a constant basis, then we found her extremely drunk on the side of the road, then I leave her when she needed me, then when I get back I hit her and don't show her love, causing her to run away and get fucking kidnapped!" I yelled out between my sobs. "She needs someone better, please Clint," I cried.
Clint pulled me into a hug, letting my head rest on his shoulder as he shushed. I felt like a teenager again as I held onto him and cried, feeling like I didn't deserve to take care of Wanda anymore. I was a horrible role model for her, why would anyone let the Black Widow, the ruthless assassin, take care of a child?
"You can take her to the farm with Laura and raise her correctly, protect her, I obviously can't," I sobbed into his shoulder. Upon hearing that, he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me away from him, looking me in the eyes.
"No Nat, you are a wonderful mother. She absolutely adores you. Trust me, I know a good mama when I see one and you Nat are. I know that these last few weeks have been hard and have been making you question everything but you are doing great. You don't want to give her up do you?"
"No! I love her so much! I never want to leave her but it may be better for her to live with you. Who says she even wants to see me once she recovers? She hates me!"
"Who did she call out for when we found her? You, her mama, she doesn't hate you and she never will. You are doing great, teens are hard, let alone a super-powered one who is dealing with immense trauma. Nat, I promise, I would tell you if I thought you were doing something wrong, okay?"
I nodded before Clint pulled me back into a hug. I stayed in his embrace until I had finished crying and calmed down. I wiped my cheeks as I pulled away, thanking him quietly.
"You've got this," he told me, squeezing my shoulder gently as we went to go sit back in Wanda's room.
I went to the bathroom in her room, washing my face to try to erase the splotches which indicated that I had been crying. I then went back out to the main area and sat in the chair next to Wanda's bed, waiting for her to wake up.
She ended up sleeping until Helen came to check on her progress for the day. She entered the room before sanitizing her hand, keeping her voice quiet once she saw that Wanda was asleep. She moved over to the computer to enter her vitals as she talked to Clint and me.
"How'd she do today?"
"She did pretty good," I answered. "She made it from the bed to the chair and then back to the bed in the wheelchair."
"That's awesome!" Helen announced as she made a note in Wanda's file. "How was the pain level during that?"
"Not great. She was in a lot of pain and was sobbing by the end of it. It took about an hour from when we first started to when she got back in her bed. She did it though."
"That's good, I expected quite a bit of pain, especially the first few times. The more she does it though, the easier it will become. Any progress on the intake?"
"A little bit, she ate a whole bagel with cream cheese. No intake of water though."
Helen frowned slightly but added it to Wanda's file. "Okay, not as great as I had hoped but hey, it's still the first day so no worries. She can make some more progress tomorrow and then hopefully over the next several days. Hopefully she'll be out of here by the end of the week." It was a Monday, Wanda wasn't going to be happy but she needed to do what she needed to do.
"Are you still planning on taking out the catheter today?" I asked.
"That's the plan, I'm going to wake Wanda up and see if she feels as if she's ready for that."
I nodded as I watched Helen gently wake Wanda up. Wanda jerked awake as Helen touched her arm, wincing as the movement aggravated her ribs. She tried to stretch a little bit while she fully woke up.
She looked at me, then Clint, and then seemed to calm down a bit. We were the two who were always in her room with her. We had kept the visitors minimal as any additional person seemed to cause her stress right now. Everyone wanted to see her but that could happen once she was out of the hospital and feeling stronger. She was in a vulnerable position right now and we didn't want to make her uncomfortable.
"Good evening Wanda!" Helen greeted cheerily. "How're you feeling?"
"Fine," she responded quietly.
"That's great to hear! I already got the rundown of today from Natasha and Clint so no worries about repeating that. You did great today! I'm so happy to hear about the progress that you're making! I'm confident you'll be out of here by the end of the week." I flinched a bit as I watched Wanda's face fall. At least she didn't argue as she nodded.
"So, that being said, do you feel ready to move on with the last improvement? I think you'll do great if we remove the catheter, and frankly, it'll be a lot more comfortable for you, but if you don't think you're ready, no problem! So, what do you think?"
Wanda looked to me and I nodded for her to make her decision, showing her I would be supportive either way. "Um, I think I'm ready," she said quietly.
"Great! In the beginning, if you think that making it to the bathroom is still too difficult or painful, we can use a bedpan but in order to make it out of here, I want you using the toilet, okay?" Wanda nodded, showing her understanding. "Worst comes to worst, we can always put the catheter back in as well, okay?" Another nod from Wanda.
"Alright, I am going to get ready to remove it but don't worry, I will explain each step of the process to you." Clint took this as his sign to leave. He wanted to make sure Wanda got her privacy but told her he would be back once it was out.
Helen started by emptying the bag of urine and washing her hands, explaining everything to Wanda as she moved along. She then grabbed an empty syringe, explaining that it was just to deflate the balloon that was keeping the catheter in.
It was now time to take her bottoms off to allow for removal of the catheter. Wanda looked at me with fear in her eyes and I moved to sit on the edge of the bed, similar to how I did when she received the exam, gripping her hand and telling her it would be okay.
"Can I remove them myself?" Wanda asked.
"Of course," Helen responded gently, knowing that this was a sensitive topic for Wanda right now.
It took a few minutes but eventually, Wanda slowly reached down and pulled off her shorts. She was wearing shorts right now since she had a long gown that fell down, almost to her ankles, so she didn't feel the need for pants.
Once Wanda's shorts and underwear were off, Helen talked Wanda through the deflation of the balloon inside of her. She said that Wanda shouldn't feel the deflation and she was right.
Now it was time to actually take it out.
"Alright Wanda, you're doing so good," Helen praised. "It is now time to take out the catheter. This part can be uncomfortable but it shouldn't be painful. All I need you to do is take a deep breath and exhale and while you're exhaling, I will gently pull the catheter out and then we'll be done. Do you think you can do that?"
Wanda was shaking but she nodded, looking at me. I smiled at her, telling her how strong she was and that she could do this.
"Good job Wanda," Helen said, "Now take a deep breath in." Wanda took a shaky breath in, wincing as it caused her more pain in her ribs. "Good, now breathe out." As Wanda exhaled, Helen pulled on the catheter. Wanda winced a bit and jumped slightly but then Helen announced that it was out. "Good job Wanda!" she praised.
"Good job baby," I told her as I kissed her forehead.
"Now that it's out, you should be able to move around a bit better and it should be more comfortable. You may feel a slight stinging sensation the next couple of times you use the bathroom but don't be alarmed, it's normal. If it becomes painful, just let me know and I can get you some meds and make sure nothing is wrong, okay?" Both Wanda and I nodded.
"Perfect, how're you feeling?" she asked Wanda. "Did it hurt?"
"I'm okay, it didn't hurt too bad," Wanda whispered.
"That's good to hear, alright, well then I'll let you get back to resting. Try to work some more on your intake of both food and liquids. Also, I know that you experienced quite a lot of pain when you moved around but the more you move, the more your muscles will get used to the movement, making it easier and less painful. You did great today Wanda, see you tomorrow."
I smiled at Helen as she left, looked back at Wanda to make sure she really was okay and that it didn't hurt her too bad. She's not one to complain so I wanted to make sure she really was okay. I searched her face for any sign of discomfort or stress but she actually seemed relatively calm.
Clint re-entered the room shortly after Helen left. We had a quick, silent conversation about how it went, and he seemed relieved when he saw that Wanda was calm and not panicking or crying.
I had an idea for tonight but I wasn't sure if Wanda would be up for it. I figured I would check though because it would bring her yet another step closer to going back to her room.
"Hey Wanda, I have an idea." I paused, letting Wanda turn her attention to me before continuing. "What if, tonight, we move you to the chair and you can eat dinner there instead? You've done a lot today though so if you don't want to, that's okay too."
Wanda looked a little overwhelmed by the idea but she slowly nodded. "I can do that."
"Great!" I exclaimed, hoping that maybe she was recovering faster than we all thought.
Dinner time came quickly and it was time to move Wanda again. I had noticed that over the last hour or so, Wanda's breathing became more labored, like she was in pain. Her face was also tense and slightly scrunched in pain. I wasn't sure if moving her anymore today would be a good idea.
"It's dinner time, do you want to move or just stay in your bed to eat?" I asked gently, knowing she was in more pain than she was letting on.
"Moving works for me," she breathed out and I knew immediately she was in too much pain to move. Her voice was breathless and sounded like she was trying not to cry.
I looked at her, trying to show her with my expression that it was totally okay to stay in bed, letting her speak for herself. She didn't say anything and instead started to move herself into a seated position to start moving towards the chair.
"Hey," I said as I put a hand on her arm. "You've done a lot today, you do not need to move right now."
She looked at me and seemed to contemplate something before saying, "No, it's okay, I'm fine," she even shot in a small smile to convince me. I knew she was still in pain and wanted to make her stay in bed but I didn't want to hold her back from recovering if she really could be moving around right now.
"Okay," I smiled at her, moving the wheelchair near the bed. She sat up by herself this time but I could see that her eyes were already filled with tears. She was taking labored breaths as she rotated her body to have her legs dangle off the edge.
Clint got in front of her and helped to gently ease her off of the bed into a standing position. She had done this much faster than earlier.
I helped her get into the wheelchair and then over to the chair while Clint helped her get to the chair. She had tears streaming down her face at the end and she was still taking very measured breaths but she had made it to the chair in a quarter of the time as it had taken her earlier. She seemed to be trying to prevent a full on meltdown so I watched her carefully as Clint went to go get some dinner.
She was fine but was still crying when Clint came back with soup, crackers, and a piece of bread. He set them in front of her with the reminder that she didn't need to finish all of it. I also handed her a glass of water, telling her to just do her best. She had gone from barely eating to us expecting her to eat at least two full meals in a day which could definitely be overwhelming.
She slowly ate the soup, only managing about 1/3 of the soup. She ate a couple of saltines and then declared that she was done. I pushed her to at least drink half of the water and she did with no arguments. The tears hadn't stopped the entire dinner and I couldn't tell if it was because she was eating or if it was because of the pain.
We cleaned up the remaining dinner and went to move her back to the bed. She didn't move though, her breathing picking up, so we told her there was no rush.
She sat for another 5 minutes before asking if she could go to the bathroom. "Of course sweetie," I exclaimed, immediately getting up from my seat to help her to the bathroom. This was the first time she had used an actual toilet in over a week so we would see how this went.
Clint got her into the wheelchair and I brought her into the bathroom, closing the door behind us. "You've got this," I told her when I noticed her leg shaking a bit. "I've got you," I added.
The tears continued but she smiled. I wondered if the tears were because she needed to use the bathroom and she was scared or if there was some other reason.
"I'll lift you up and put you on the toilet, then all we have to do is get your pants down and you're golden, sound good?" She nodded, looking at me with all the trust in the world.
I put my hands under her armpits and helped support her as she stood. She moved to the left a few steps before I told her she could sit down. She was now sitting on the toilet! She twisted her body slightly to get her shorts down and to pull the gown up slightly.
I turned to let her do her business and then once she was ready, I helped her stand and take the few steps to the wheelchair. She washed her hands and we went to the bed. The tears were still rolling down her face so I was starting to doubt that her need to use the restroom was what was causing the tears.
She cried harder once it was time to move back to the bed. I told her that we would be there to catch her this time so she didn't land on her stomach again on the bed when she tried to climb up. She managed to climb up without us catching her this time though as she leaned back against the bed, trying to breathe.
"Hey, you okay?" I asked as her eyes were squeezed tightly shut and she still hadn't stopped crying after another 10 minutes.
She opened her eyes, looked at me, and burst into tears. I was surprised but quickly jumped into action, moving towards her and rubbing her back.
"No!" she responded in a sob. "My ribs are on fire, I'm nauseous, and I'm dizzy."
"Shh, you're okay, take some deep breaths," I tried to coax her through the breathing but they continued to be shallow, short gasps.
"I can't breathe, my ribs hurt too bad, mama make it stop!" I knew we had pushed her too much today. We shouldn't have moved her for dinner.
I climbed onto the edge of the bed, sitting next to her, pulling her into my side while being careful of her ribs.
"I know baby, I've got you sweet girl, try to take some deeper breaths for me." I mouthed to Clint to go get Helen while I held Wanda.
"I feel like I'm gonna puke," she cried.
"That's okay," I said as I looked around the room for a puke bag or something we could use.
"No, I don't wanna."
"I know, shh," I rubbed her back as I tied her hair into a bun in case she did get sick.
I told her I was going to grab a bag and quickly climbed out of the bed, going to the cabinets. I found an emesis bag and grabbed a few before walking back to the bed, climbing back in to hold her.
I handed her one of the bags and she cried harder.
"I don't wanna get sick mama," she cried, her entire body shaking.
"You'll be okay baby, I know you don't want to get sick but it'll be okay if you do, I've got you."
She cried as she leaned her head on my shoulder, still shaking.
All of a sudden she lurched forward, placing the bag in front of her mouth before she got sick. I rubbed her back and shushed her as she cried heavier, no doubt the vomiting causing even more pain.
"Shh, you're doing so good," I said as she cried.
Clint came back in with Helen who had a syringe of meds.
"Oh sweetie, what happened?" she asked as she entered the room and took the used back from me. I replaced it with a new bag but Wanda seemed to be done.
"Oww," she cried, holding her abdomen with her good hand.
"I know Wands, keep breathing," I told her before turning my attention to Helen, still rubbing Wanda's back. "I think we overdid it a bit today. She moved to the chair to have dinner and I think that was a little too much movement."
"Okay," she said sympathetically, jotting down notes in the file.
"I'm sorry!" Wanda cried
"It's okay baby," I told her, "It's not your fault."
"I was in so much pain but I was making so many improvements. You guys were so proud of me and I didn't want to make you angry or make you disappointed."
"Aww sweetie, we are proud of you no matter what you do. You did a lot today and I think that extra little bit of movement just pushed you over the edge. We'll do a little more tomorrow but for right now, you can rest. You did so good baby," I said as I kissed her head, feeling my heart break a little at her explanation.
"I have some anti-nausea meds and some pain meds if you want those?" Helen asked Wanda.
Wanda nodded from her place on my shoulder and I nodded as well to show that I also thought she needed it. Helen inserted it into her IV tubing and took Wanda's vitals.
"Do you think you're gonna be sick again honey?" I asked Wanda. She shook her head so I placed the emesis bag on the bed, just in case we needed it.
Clint sat on the other edge of the bed and held Wanda's hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of it to try to offer her some comfort while we waited for the meds to kick in. Helen mouthed that we could call her if we needed anything before leaving, closing the door behind her quietly.
About half an hour later, Wanda fell asleep, sending a wave of relief through me. If she was sleeping, hopefully she wouldn't be in too much pain.