Better Days

WANDA POV:

I was so tired of being cooped up in the hospital room but moving hurt so much. I had finally made it to a chair across the room as well as to and from the bathroom but each time caused pain. 

I had overdone it my first day of moving and ended up in extreme pain, begging anyone to make it end. After that day, Nat would only let me move around a little bit if she thought I was in too much pain. Dr. Cho said that moving would be painful until my body got used to it though so I ended up doing a lot more PT.

Unfortunately, I was still in the hospital by the end of the week due to my intake still being too little. I was getting more and more frustrated as time went on. Luckily, my ribs were getting more bearable and I was able to breathe without being in excruciating pain but it was still definitely uncomfortable to move around. 

Due to the fact that my ribs were getting better, I felt as if I should be back in my room but I was still having problems with eating and drinking. Just a few days in captivity was enough for me to relapse, in a way, on my old eating habits. It definitely wasn't as bad as it had been several months ago but it was still not deemed as enough.

"I'm fine to go back!" I shouted at Nat during yet another one of our arguments. I was done sitting in the same hospital room for hours on end.

"No you're not," she replied firmly. "You have not been eating enough and your weight is showing it."

"So?" I questioned angrily. "How do you expect me to eat when I'm being cooped up in one room?"

"Wanda, that is not a reasonable excuse and you know it. Just because you are in one room does not make you incapable of eating. This isn't just my decision either. Both Dr. Cho and Bruce require that you eat more before you can go back to your room. Now, I'm done discussing this, eat your lunch and then we can revisit this discussion."

I glared at my sandwich, my ribs hurting from the recent yelling. I knew that Nat was right, I really did need to get better with my eating, but that didn't mean I was happy about it.

I picked up my sandwich and took small bites, chewing them thoroughly before swallowing the food. I could feel Nat watching me but I managed to finish it all, feeling a sense of comfort when Nat praised me, thanking me for eating my food.

I had definitely made some improvements with my eating but apparently it wasn't enough. It was frustrating but right now, I really just wanted to go back to my room.

"Hey Nat?" I questioned quietly after a few minutes of silence. 

"Yes Wanda?" she replied with a sigh, almost seeming as if she was preparing herself for another argument.

"Do you think that if I eat dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow with no fight, I could go to my room?"

"We'll see, if you eat with no arguments, and I mean none," she said with a pointed look in my direction, "then we can talk about bringing you back down there. We just need to get Helen to agree."

"Okay, thanks," I whispered, staring at the blankets.

The rest of the afternoon was relatively quiet, both of us quietly watching TV. Dinner came and I ate with no argument, hoping that that would show Nat how serious I was at going back to my room.

Clint had been in the hospital room less and less, saying that he had things to do and that we could let him know if we needed him. Now, the only time I saw him was when it was time to get out of bed. Fortunately, I hadn't had another problem with falling, but he was there just in case.

I still hadn't really had to face any other member of the team except for Bruce and right now, I wanted to keep it that way. Tony had popped in one morning during my recovery to see if there was anything he could invent to help me recover quicker and all I could think of was the torture that the male in the warehouse had put me through. 

Occasionally, I would still catch Nat looking at me with a worried look and I had a feeling it had to do with my mental health. I was still having nightmares every night but once I woke up, I wouldn't want any comfort. It made me feel restricted and I needed to push away my feelings, not let them consume me.

On the fourth day after I had been expected to leave the hospital, I was finally given the approval from Dr. Cho to leave the med-bay and go back to my room. To say I was overjoyed was an understatement.

Clint and Tasha were both there to help me get down to my room, I rode in a wheelchair since moving still caused some pain but I was much better than when I had first arrived at the hospital. I still didn't have much energy and was going to have to continue working on my intake if I didn't want to end up back in the hospital but progress was progress, or at least that's what Nat kept telling me.

I was still instructed to take it easy and continue basic PT until pain lessened, then I would be able to do more intense PT sessions to completely rehabilitate myself.

During meal times I would go to the kitchen, sitting in my wheelchair since the chairs were still too hard for my body to tolerate well. I could only manage sitting in the wheelchair for about 10 minutes though before my body got too sore. Then I would transfer to the couch to finish eating.

It was my first night back in my room and Nat was helping me set up my bed. Pepper had come briefly to visit me but got called away in only 5 minutes to do something for SI. I missed talking to her and she promised she would be back soon to talk. 

I had to lay propped up on pillows to make sure that my ribs continued to heal correctly. Nat helped me put a few pillows behind my back and around my sides to create a comfortable slant for my ribs. Once I was comfortable, she climbed in next to me, keeping her distance so that she wouldn't accidentally hurt me.

I was finding it hard to fall asleep and laid there for about 30 minutes, just staring at the ceiling, thinking about everything that had happened in the last week or so, ignoring the time before I had been found.

"Wanda?" Nat whispered so quietly I almost didn't hear her.

"Yes?" I whispered back, showing that I was still awake.

"How're you doing?" she asked. She must have known that I wasn't asleep.

"I'm okay, my ribs aren't hurting too bad," I explained.

"That's good, but that's not what I meant."

"What do you mean?" I questioned, confused. 

"Mentally Wanda," she replied simply. That one word was enough to make all of the air exit my lungs. I had been trying hard to ignore any mental feelings about what had happened. I could tell that they were there, constantly pressing against that walls I had put up in my brain, begging to be let out to fill my mind with grief and terror, but I kept them locked up, refusing to allow them to flood my brain.

"Good," I replied curtly before trying to turn my head as far away as possible, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Really?" she questioned. I decided to ignore her, trying to feign sleep. I knew it wasn't going to work but I was still discouraged when she continued. "You know you're going to have to talk about it eventually hun. I don't want you going down the same path as when we first met. It'll be hard but we're all here to help."

"There's nothing to work through. I'm fine," I insisted. I didn't wait for a response before saying, "Love you, goodnight."

She responded saying that she loved me too, apparently deciding not to push it any further that night.

Soon after that, I was able to fall asleep, the intrusive thoughts pounding harder and harder against the walls.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

I was lying on the ground. Shivering, wearing nothing but a collar around my neck.

I wasn't completely asleep but rather was somewhere between unconsciousness and sleep. I was freezing as I lied on the hard, cold, cement ground. 

Dried tear tracks coated my face. I couldn't see anything as the room was kept pitch black but I had shuffled backwards until my back was lined up against the wall. It made me feel as secure as I could in this environment.

Faint footsteps were heard from outside of my room before I could hear the loud lock being messed with. The lights came on, causing my eyes to snap shut at the change in atmosphere.

Three guys walked in, kicking me around a bit while they laughed at my discomfort. My leg hurt incredibly bad and I tried to protect it as they continued to shove me around with their feet.

"How's our pretty whore doing?" one of them asked. I shuddered at the name they had used for me. I had been called that when I used to live on the streets but I always had Pietro to tell me that it wasn't true. Now I had no one.

I moaned, trying to move back to the wall where I felt safe.

"Oh no," the other guy said, coming to stand behind me so I couldn't move. "You're staying right here so we can have some fun." I curled into a ball, trying to hide my body. I didn't want them looking at me.

Two of them came over, forcing my body out of its curled position, pinning me down. It wasn't hard to overpower me since I was so weak.

The other guy started to undress himself, looking at me as if I were a juicy steak he was about to devour. I whimpered, trying to pull away from the other two. There was nothing I could do though. I was stuck.

I panicked, thrashing around. One of the guys stepped on my broken wrist, causing me to cry out before settling down.

I had no clothes on so once he was undressed, there was nothing between me and him. He knelt down and came closer to me.

"You're very pretty," he mumbled to me, running his hands up and down my thighs. I cried silently, scared that if I made a noise, they would break another bone. 

"Say thank you," another guy shouted out, seemingly enjoying what was about to happen.

"Thank you," I whimpered, stuttering and shaking badly.

"You're welcome baby doll." He came closer and started to pleasure himself, his hands using my hip bones as handles to further push himself into me.

I learned early on not to scream. This only brought on punishments. I tensed up as I tried to get away. The other two men slapped me, trying to make me stay still as the other man finished pleasuring himself.

Then it was time for the other two to have their turns. I managed to get away before the next guy could use me as his own personal device.

As I scrambled to get back against the wall, he approached me, screaming about what a slut I was for allowing them to do this, and for enjoying it. I tried to tell them that I wasn't enjoying it before he ran up to me, startling a scream out of me, before I smacked my head against the wall, knocking me out.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

I shot up screaming, trying to figure out where I was. 

Nat was awake next to me, immediately jumping up and rubbing my back, pressing a pillow against my stomach to help with the rib pain. Luckily the pain subsided quickly, leaving me stuck in my dream. 

Some of the thoughts had made it through tiny cracks in the wall, invading my brain and causing me to be overwhelmed with emotions. I was scared, hurt, upset, angry, and a whole lot more as I remembered what they did to me during those several days in captivity. They treated me like an object.

I couldn't formulate words as my entire body trembled, remembering the feeling of their hands all over me. I felt dirty and wanted to take a shower. I knew that Nat wouldn't just let me do that though because showering took a whole lot more steps during my injured state.

Tears streamed down my face as I tried to get my breathing back under control. Now that my ribs were almost healed, my emotions had free range to take over all my thoughts because I wasn't overwhelmed by the pain in my ribs.

It felt as if there were still hands traveling up and down my legs and I threw the covers off to see my one normal leg and my broken and shattered leg. I was still wearing a cast and it honestly helped to pull me back to reality a bit.

My body was still shaking and I tried to focus on calming down. Nat's hand was still rubbing my back but right now, all it was doing was reminding me of the med that touched me when I didn't want it.

I turned to Nat, hoping that seeing her would help. It did. Just seeing her face was enough to help me calm down. It also helped me to become more comfortable with her hand touching me because now I knew where it was coming from.

"Shh, you're okay," I was able to make out through my distraught state.

"I've got you baby, you're at the compound, in your room. You're okay."

My ribs hurt but I ignored it as I shoved the pillow aside to curl into Nat's side. I had been pushing away physical comfort but right now, I really wanted Tasha.

"Mama, make it stop," I said, still feeling their rough hands on me. 

"Shh baby, I'm here, mama's got you."

She ran her hand through my hair and I focused on the fact that it didn't hurt. Whenever the guys would touch my hair, they would pull it, causing pain. Nat was gentle though, causing a calming sensation.

Once I had calmed my breathing down and had mostly stopped crying, Nat spoke up. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. I really didn't.

Normally, Nat would take that answer and leave me alone. Apparently she had other plans tonight.

"Was it about being kidnapped?" I looked at her, surprised that she was pushing. She hadn't mentioned anything about the kidnapping while I was recovering in the hospital. 

I just stared at her, not answering the question. She repeated it, slower this time. That snapped me out of my brief shock. "Um, no, it was just a stupid nightmare about some fictional thing, it wasn't real," I lied.

"Wanda, you know I was trained to know when people are lying right? You can talk to me, I won't make fun of you. I'm here to help you, you can't get through this if you don't talk about it."

I pulled away from her side, not wanting to talk about it. She lightly grabbed my wrist, keeping me close to her.

"Fine, don't believe me," I said, pulling back away and moving back to my side of the bed. "It really wasn't about anything though."

I heard her sigh but she decided not to push it anymore, letting me stay on my side.

"Okay, try to get some more sleep sweetie, I'm here if you need anything. I love you."

"Love you too," I mumbled, purposefully not looking at her.

She sighed again before turning onto her side. I wanted to open up to her but I was scared. I wasn't ready to go through all of the emotions that were going to go along with the kidnapping. I had already shown enough emotion, I didn't need to show more.

Not surprisingly, I didn't get any more sleep that night but rather laid there, trying to block out any emotions regarding the kidnapping. I think that Nat knew I was awake because she never fell asleep either. She never talked to me though, just laid there next to me, silently.

Morning came and it was time to get up and start our day. Nat helped me move to the wheelchair, looking exhausted. I felt bad, she hadn't been getting sleep most nights due to me being in the hospital. She tried to hide it but I could tell she was tired. 

We were finally back to our room which meant that she should have been able to sleep but my nightmare ruined it. I needed to get better at hiding them.

We went to the kitchen and she served me toast for breakfast. I really wasn't hungry after last night but I wasn't about to argue. I also didn't want to get sent back to the med-bay so I swallowed each bite of flavor-less toast.

Nat was silent all throughout breakfast. It was just us in the kitchen so there was no reason for her to talk. I had a feeling her silence was due to me though and I felt horrible. 

As soon as I finished my toast, I mumbled, "I'm sorry I kept you up all night." I could feel the heat in my eyes as tears started brimming around the edges. I didn't mean to make Nat angry.

Her head snapped up at my voice. As soon as she saw my tears, she rushed over to me.

"Oh sweetie, I'm not mad. You're okay. I've just been thinking a lot, none of it is your fault."

"Are you sure?" I sniffed, trying not to cry.

"I'm sure. It is definitely not your fault that I was awake. Sorry I haven't been talking much this morning. I was just thinking about something that I need to do."

I felt my heart stop for a moment. "You aren't going on a mission, are you?" I questioned frantically. I really didn't want her to leave.

"No! No, of course not. I'm not leaving you just yet, don't worry baby," she told me quickly in an effort to calm me down. "I am not going on any missions until you are 100% healed, you have my word."

"Okay," I sighed in relief. I didn't think I would be able to handle her leaving. "So what have you been thinking about doing?" I asked her quietly, wondering if she would tell me or not.

She looked at me, seemingly deciding whether or not she should tell me. She took a deep breath and said, "I've been thinking about having you see a therapist." I immediately opened my mouth to protest but she continued. "It would be Sam, someone who knows you and who you are comfortable with. I know you don't want to see a therapist or talk about your feelings but you have gone through a lot of trauma in the last several months, I think talking to a therapist would help dramatically."

"I don't want to," I pouted. I knew I sounded like a baby but I never wanted to talk to a therapist.

"I know Wanda, but the nightmares can't continue. You aren't getting sleep and that isn't going to help you heal. I know it's not ideal for you but I want you to at least try."

"No," I said. I was not going to talk to a therapist. I never had to after my parents death and Nat never forced me to after Pietro's death either so I don't know why it was all of a sudden important to her.

"Wanda," she warned.

"No!" I repeated. "I don't need to see a therapist. What are they even going to do? Sam can't magically make my nightmares go away. I don't care what you say, I'm not going to go see one." I was firm as I spoke, showing Nat that there was no way she was going to get me to see a therapist.

"Well Wanda, unfortunately for you, I'm your mother so I get to make the calls. I know you don't want to but you're going to. It's just Sam so it'll be just like talking to a friend. I don't care if you just sit there for an hour, not saying anything, but you are going to be seeing a therapist until your nightmares at least decrease."

"What?" I shouted. "That's not fair! I don't care if you're my mom! You can't force me to do something I don't want to do."

"Oh I can and I am. You can change your attitude about it but it's happening either way. Your first session with Sam is in a few hours."

"I'm not going," I told her heatedly.

"Yes you are," she told me. "And that's all I want to hear on this. You're going and that's final."

I crossed my arms as I pushed away my plate. I wished that I hadn't finished my toast, that way I could've used that as an ultimatum. I would've said that I wasn't going to finish my toast if she made me go to the appointment. I guess I would just have to wait for lunch.

Unfortunately, I couldn't move myself in the wheelchair yet because my wrist was still hurt so I was stuck sitting there, waiting for Nat to decide that it was time to move.

She decided to move me to the living room a few minutes later when I started showing signs of experiencing pain in my ribs. She gently helped me move onto the couch where I would spend the next several hours resting.

I decided to still ignore her because I was angry at the fact that she was going to make me go see Sam. I hadn't seen him since I was first rescued and I wasn't exactly looking forward to seeing him yet. I still wasn't exactly comfortable around male figures.

Lunch time came and I was going to use this to my advantage. Nat told me I had to go see Sam right after I finished eating so I guess I just wouldn't eat and then I would never have to go see him.

"Wanda, eat your food," Nat told me for what felt like the millionth time. "I'm not telling you again."

"I'm not eating," I responded matter-of-factly.

"Yes you are, then you're going to go see Sam."

"No, I'm, not," I told her. I did not want to go see a therapist, even if it was Sam.

"Wanda," she snapped. "Eat, now," she hissed.

I pushed my plate away to further prove that I wasn't going to eat it.

Nat firmly grabbed my un-hurt hand. "Wanda, if you do not eat this right now, you will head back up to the med-bay where Sam will meet you for your therapy appointment. Then we can always place a feeding tube if you continue to resist eating."

"I'll eat if you don't make me go to a therapy appointment," I said smugly, figuring that she would rather me eat than talk about my feelings.

Apparently, she thought differently than me. Instead of saying anything, she unlocked my wheelchair and started rolling me down the hall.

"Where are we going?" I asked nervously.

"Med-bay," she answered simply.

"What? No! I'm sorry! I'll eat!" 

"You can eat in the med-bay. If you keep arguing with me about eating and therapy, then we will stay in the med-bay, but if you eat and talk to Sam, then we can see about going back to your room."

"No," I said, starting to cry. I felt helpless. It's not like I could get up and run away. Even though my ribs were starting to feel better, my leg was still broken and would be in a cast for another few weeks.

Nat didn't say anything else as she brought me all the way up to the med-bay, back to the same room that we had been in only a few days ago.

"Nat, please," I begged. What I didn't know was that she had absolutely no intent of keeping me here, even if I didn't end up participating or eating, she just wanted to scare me a little bit.

"Talk to Sam and eat and we can go back after your appointment."

I sat on the bed, crying quietly, as I wrapped my arms around my midsection, trying to offer myself some form of comfort. Nat watched me but stayed in the chair next to my bed.

We were only there for about 5 minutes before Sam entered with a notepad.

"Hey Wanda," he spoke quietly, as if speaking to a lost child. "How're you doing?"

I was still crying so I probably looked pretty pitiful. "Fine," I said.

Sam looked at Nat which caused her to stand up. "Alright Wanda, I'll be back in an hour. Please at least try. I don't expect you to talk about absolutely everything but please talk, okay?"

"Wait, you're leaving?" I asked, fear clutching my heart.

"Yeah, unless you don't want me too."

"Can you stay?" I asked.

I watched as she looked at Sam and then back at me before saying, "Of course sweetie, I'll be right there," she pointed to the chair. I nodded, taking some deep breaths to let my heart calm down. I wasn't ready for Nat to leave yet. Now that I thought about it, I hadn't been without her for longer than a few minutes since I woke up.

"Alright Wanda, today is going to be really easy," Sam continued after Nat sat back down. "I'm just going to ask you some basic questions and I want you to answer them to the best of your abilities. Nothing will leave this room so whatever you say, will stay between you, me, and Natasha of course. If any question makes you uncomfortable, just let me know and we will move on. Does all that sound good?"

I nodded, still sniffling. 

"Alright, perfect. How are you feeling today?"

"Pretty good."

"Good, how's recovery going?"

"Good, I can move around a lot more now." So far the questions were easy.

"That's amazing! How have you been feeling emotionally throughout your recovery?"

Well, that took a turn. I was starting to think that this wasn't going to be that bad but then he asked the emotions question.

I turned to look at Nat and she signaled for me to continue. 

"Fine I guess," I shrugged.

"Okay, what type of emotions have you felt throughout the recovery process? Happy, anxious, sad, angry?"

"Um, annoyed sometimes I guess."

"Okay, what have you been annoyed about?"

"Not being able to move."

"Okay, how have you gotten through those emotions?"

I shrugged. I didn't know, I just moved through them, shoving them down.

"Okay, let's shift focuses a bit. What is the last thing you remember before waking up in the med-bay?"

I hadn't thought of that once since I had woken up so the question shocked me a bit. 

"Um, I don't know."

"Just the last thing you remember, it can be anything that happened before you woke up, just whatever you remember most recently." 

I didn't answer so he prompted me again. "Do you remember anything about the kidnapping?"

All the air left my lungs. No one other than Nat had mentioned the kidnapping, not even mentioning the word. Even Nat had only mentioned it once and I had an extremely similar reaction.

"Um, what?" I asked, trying to keep my breathing under control. 

"Do you remember anything about the kidnapping?" I had been working so hard to keep all of those memories and those thoughts under lock and key but he was trying to pull them out. I wasn't ready.

"No," I said a bit louder than I should have. "I don't remember anything about it. You know what, I actually don't need to be here right now, I'm done, thanks Sam."

SAM POV:

Nat had asked me to do a therapy appointment for Wanda after her kidnapping. I knew that the topic hadn't been brought up yet but it needed to be worked through soon before it manifested into something worse.

As soon as I brought up the kidnapping, I could see her shut part of herself off and I knew that the chance of us getting any more information today was slim. 

She claimed she didn't remember anything about the kidnapping but I knew that she was lying. I could tell that Nat knew she was lying too by the way she looked at me.

Wanda freaked out as I pushed a little harder, claiming that she didn't need to be there and that she was done.

"You can be done, I'm going to sit here until the end of the hour though. Maybe we could work on eating a little bit?" I offered, knowing that she had refused to eat any lunch.

She decided not to respond and sit there quietly. This wasn't anything new to me as a therapist. I have had many patients sit there silently, either working through their emotions silently or feeling as if they didn't need therapy. In this case, I had a good feeling that it was the latter. 

I had Natasha grab her a cup of jello to work on eating. Sometimes I could get clients to eat while distracting them with other things.

Nat set the jello cup in front of Wanda to snack on but Wanda just stared at it, making no move to eat.

"Can you try eating some jello while we talk? Or we could just sit here, I just want to make sure you have something to eat."

"Not hungry," she mumbled quietly.

"Hey Wanda, can you tell me what happened while you were kidnapped?" I asked, deciding to jump right in. This would go one of a few ways. She would either open up, probably the least likely scenario, she would block herself off even more, or, most likely, we would get some more information about what happened through the emotions she showed.

"I don't remember, I already told you that," she told me.

"Okay, do you remember being rescued?" I watched as her face got more and more panicked. This was one of the hardest parts of being a therapist for people suffering with PTSD but sometimes, if they refused to talk, you had to push them into a panic attack or a flashback to get them to talk. 

"No, no," she mumbled, bringing her knees up to her chest as she covered her ears, starting to rock slightly.

"What happened while you were in captivity?"

I listened as her breathing grew more intense and I knew we were almost there. 

"Did they do anything to you Wanda?"

"Stop!" she screamed. We had broken open the walls and I was ready to start picking up all of the information she was about to pour out.

WANDA POV:

Sam kept pushing me with more questions about the kidnapping and I eventually lost the battle with all of the memories. I started sobbing, trying to put all of the memories behind the wall.

Nat got up from her chair and sat next to me, silently pulling my curled body into her chest as she ran a hand up and down my back.

I stayed curled in my little ball, resting my head against Nat's chest as I tried to calm down. She didn't say anything as she held me close, offering as much comfort as she could in my distressed state. It wasn't working that much as all of the memories that I had been working for so long to keep locked away had come free and were running rapid in my brain. 

"Wanda," I heard. It sounded foggy, as if I were underwater, but I was able to make it out. It was Sam's voice, not Nat's. "Can you tell me what is going through your mind right now? Any thoughts, emotions, anything?"

"Pain," I mumbled out, still barely aware of my surroundings.

"Are you in pain?"

"No, pain," I said again, trying to make them understand.

"Did you go through pain recently?"

"Yes, forced."

"You were forced to go through pain?"

"Yes," I used my good hand to grab onto Nat's shirt, making sure she didn't leave me during my moment of vulnerability. I wanted so badly to tell them all what had happened while I was kidnapped but I couldn't. It was a sign of weakness.

"Were you forced to go through pain in the warehouse when you were kidnapped or once you got back to the compound?" Sam asked a few seconds later. Technically I had gone through pain at the compound too but that wasn't what I meant.

"Warehouse," I breathed out, trying to stay as calm as possible.

"Okay, thank you for telling us Wanda. What type of pain were you forced to endure?" Sam was speaking as though he was talking to a 5 year old but it made me feel safe.

"So much," I said before it became too much and I turned my face back into Nat's chest.

"Okay, I think that's enough for today. Thank you for opening up to us a little bit Wanda. You did amazing. We will do another session tomorrow, for now, rest." With that, he grabbed his notepad and left me and Nat alone in the room.

"I'm sorry!" I cried as soon as he had closed the door. "I tried."

"No, shh baby, you did so good honey. Don't be sorry, shh." 

"Mama, make the pain go away, please! I'm so sorry," I cried, fresh tears coating my face.

Nat pulled me into her lap further so my legs were wrapped around her waist and my face was nestled into her shoulder. She pressed my abdomen against hers and my chest was flush with hers. I felt her soothing hand run up and down my back as she held me. 

My good hand moved from her shirt to her hair, lightly gripping it, tears still rolling down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"Honey, you did nothing wrong. I promise Wanda, you did amazing. It can't be easy  to open up about this."

"I shouldn't be this weak," I sobbed, feeling grief and disappointment fill my body.

"Hey, can I tell you something?" Nat asked, pulling her body away from mine slightly so she could look at my face.

"Yeah," I told her, sniffling along with it. She shifted us so that we were leaning against the wall at the head of the bed, my body still curled into hers but now in a position where I could see her face.

"When I first came to SHIELD, I had gone through not only physical torture but a lot of phycological torture. I had a lot of emotions that I pushed down. It caused nightmares, caused me to be shut off from the rest of the world, caused my whole personality to be clouded by all of the emotions that I was hiding. I pushed Clint and Laura away when they were trying to help me. I felt that showing emotions was weak and that I couldn't do it. I lied about my age, the things I had done, and how I felt, all to prove that I was strong. Let me tell you Wanda, working through my emotions was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Laura and Clint were there the entire time to get me through it but it was hard. I felt weak and small but I never would have gotten through it if I didn't have strength."

She paused to let the beginning of her story sink in. "But you're different. You're not weak in any way."

"Yes I am Wanda," she told me with a small smile. "I put up a strong facade but there are a lot of parts of me that are still weak. Hiding my emotions is still something I struggle with daily. Hiding your emotions is the easy way out of things, it takes strength to work through them and to admit to them, like what you just did."

"That wasn't strength," I protested. "I sat here and cried because of something that wasn't even a big deal."

"Wanda, being kidnapped is a big deal. No one gets through that and feels no trauma, not even me. Especially because of the things they put you through. I don't know the full extent of what they did to you Wanda but the things that I do know, aren't easy to get through. Sexual assault is not easy to recover from, both physically and mentally. Trust me."

"No, you've gone through way worse, I shouldn't be crying over a little bit of torture."

"Wanda, you didn't go through a 'little bit of torture' sweetie," she said, quoting me. "You went through a lot of torture. Raping you is not a little bit of torture." I cringed at the mention of being raped. Her voice was serious but was also full of comfort and longing for me to understand her side of things. 

"It wasn't that bad," I whispered.

She sighed before taking a deep breath and continuing. "Remember when I said that I had gone through a lot of torture when I first came to SHIELD?" I nodded. "Well rape was one of them. I was raised in this place called the Red Room. You've probably heard it mentioned once or twice throughout your time here but it's not something that I like to talk about often. The Red Room trained little girls to become assassins. They would take young girls away from their parents and control them through this program until we were nothing more than a heartless killer."

"But you're not a heartless killer," I interjected. A quick flash of me calling her that when I snuck on the mission broke into my mind but I pushed it away, wanting to listen to her more.

"I was. I had to work through the emotions and the programming in my mind before I became anything close to the me you know now Wanda. And I was raped not only through the Red Room but once I started working for SHIELD."

"What?" I asked, wondering who would do that to her inside of SHEILD.

"It was what I was trained for. I was trained to seduce men Wanda. This is not a side of me that I like, or that I even tell many people about, but it's still a part of me. SHIELD knew that seduction of men was one of the biggest parts of my trainings, so they started sending me on missions to showcase my skills." It looked like her eyes were glassy, like they were filled with tears, but I couldn't be completely sure as my eyes still had tears in them.

"I would go on missions and seduce men into coming with me to find out more information about their criminal plans. That was my main job when I very first joined SHIELD. It took a toll on me. I would come home to Laura and Clint after a mission and lock myself in my room for days on end, not eating, not taking care of myself, just being stuck in my emotions. Then I would shove them down and start trying to live again. I always felt sick and isolated though Wanda, not something I ever want you to feel. I had Laura to get me through it, you have me and the entire team."

I was shocked at what I was hearing. Nat, my mama, the strongest person I knew, had struggled similarly to me. I was nothing like Tasha, she was strong and fearless, I was a small kid who was terrified of everything. Hell, I couldn't even sleep in my own room by myself.

She continued. "I was raped throughout my entire life Wanda."

"Even now?" I butt in, worry creeping into my voice.

"Not so much anymore."

"But it still happens?"

"Sometimes, I still have honeypot missions that I need to go on occasionally but it's nothing like what it used to be."

"What's a honeypot mission?" I asked, somewhat confused.

"A honeypot mission is the type of mission I go on when I end up getting raped. It basically requires me distracting the men using sexual affairs in order to either stall or find out more information. They aren't fun and they still send me into dark places sometimes but I've learned to work through my emotions at the end to get through it."

"Why does SHIELD make you do it? Why won't Steve or Clint stop it?" I questioned, starting to get angry.

"Shh," she said, pausing to calm me down, "It's okay. It all comes with the job but I promise, I only go on them now when it's absolutely necessary. What I'm trying to say though is that I've gone through some of the hardships you have. Obviously I haven't gone through everything you have gone through and I'm not telling you this to feel bad about the way you have reacted or anything like that but I want to show you that you can get through this. But you have to work through your emotions. I know it's hard, but you've got a whole lotta people behind you to help you."

"I don't wanna talk about it, it makes it too real," I whined, hating how small my voice sounded.

"I know sweetie, it sucks, but the sooner you talk about it, the sooner you get through it."

"But I never talked about it the first time and I was fine," I spoke without realizing that Nat didn't know everything about my past.

"What do you mean the first time?" she asked, sounding confused.

"Nothing, I meant the first time I was raped while I was kidnapped."

"Wanda, have you been raped before the kidnapping?" Her voice was gentle, but it had a venomous undertone, probably designated for the person who had put me through the rape.

I took a few deep breaths, deciding whether or not I opened up. She said that that was the first step to healing though so after a few more seconds of silence, I said, "When Pietro and I were living on the streets, it happened pretty frequently. Sometimes they would give us food or some money. We did whatever we could to get through another day on the streets and if they had something to offer us, we had something to give them."

I watched as she tried to mask an angry expression. She didn't do a very good job though and I could feel her body stiffen up.

"I'm sorry!" I cried out, worried she was angry at me. "We only did it to try to survive and we didn't even do it that often, sorry Tasha," I whispered.

"Oh baby, I'm not angry at you, I'm angry at the people who took advantage of a young girl in the streets. I could never be angry at you for something like that, oh sweetie," she said as she pulled me back into her chest. 

"It always hurt and Pietro always hated it but we needed to do it to survive."

"I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you Wanda and that you had to do that, I'm so sorry," she ended with a whisper.

I realized that she was crying but I didn't know what to do. We sat there, my body curled into hers, as we cried out all of the pain from our past.