Better Days

WANDA POV:

I jerked awake from a nightmare featuring me back on the cold, lonely streets of Sokovia, this time without Pietro. 

I flipped over, wanting comfort from Nat. My mind felt foggy and it took a moment for all the memories of the last few hours to come rushing back to me. When they did, my tears fell faster as I leaned into the warm body next to me. 

It was then that I realized I wasn't lying next to Nat. It was Pepper. I moved back, nervous that Pepper wouldn't want me that close, as I cried into my pillow.

My entire body ached badly. I was worried I was getting sick but when I thought about it, I realized that it ached for Nat, for my mama. I knew I ruined our relationship and I could never get it back. 

Apparently, my sobs were louder than I thought. "Shh, you're okay," I heard as a warm hand was placed on my back. I had woken up Pepper and I felt terrible. 

"I'm sorry I woke you up," I choked out, not wanting her to be mad at me.

"It's okay baby, you don't have to apologize." Her tone was gentle and I felt horrible, knowing I didn't deserve it.

"How can you be nice to me?" I cried out, turning to face Pepper.

"What do you mean honey? I love you."

"I drugged Nat! I hurt the one person who cared enough to stick with me throughout everything, all to go to one stupid party!"

"Oh honey, you made some bad decisions but that doesn't mean I'm not going to be nice to you. I still care about you and so does Nat. She loves you very much, everything will be okay sweet girl." Pepper used her thumb to brush the falling tears off of my cheeks but it didn't do much as they were quickly replaced by more.

"Yeah but what I did was terrible! I don't deserve love or care!" I said as I jerked my head back from her touch, turning it back into the pillow.

"Hey, Wanda," Pepper spoke gently. "Can you look at me?" I shook my head into the pillow, not wanting to look at her caring, sweet face. "You deserve all the love and care in the world baby. Don't ever think that anything you do will make us not love you! We love you so much and one wrong action is not going to stop that! Nothing will ever stop the love we feel for you."

For some reason, this made me cry harder. I wanted Nat but I knew that she didn't want me. I had no idea how long she was going to be gone. I wouldn't be surprised if she never came back. 

"I hurt Nat!" I cried, taking in shaky breaths.

"Shh, Nat's okay, she's just taking some time to think things over."

My sobs intensified, now to the point where I could no longer talk. I had my face turned out of my pillow in order to breathe. I kept it turned away from Pepper though, not wanting to accept her comfort. I didn't deserve it.

Pepper's hand rubbed continuous circles on my back in an effort to calm me down. It didn't work though. My thoughts put me into a spiral, making my cries more frantic.

After several minutes of my intense sobs, Pepper walked around the bed to crouch down in front of my face. She was holding the same pill as earlier along with a glass of water.

"Wanda, can you take this for me? It'll help you go back to sleep."

"I don't wanna go back to sleep," I whined, still crying.

"I know baby but you need your rest, it's late."

I didn't want to give Pepper any reason to hate me more so I sat up slightly as I grabbed the pill. They were probably some form of anti depression or anti anxiety. Whatever it was worked quickly though and soon, I could barely keep my eyes open.

"I don't wanna sleep Pepper!" I cried, trying all I could to stay awake.

"Shh baby, just close your eyes. I'm right here."

"Please Pep, no sleep." I knew I sounded like a baby but I was exhausted, upset, stressed, and on some kind of medication. 

"Close your eyes," she said as she brushed her fingers through my hair. It was relaxing and soon, I fell back asleep.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Not to anyone's surprise, I woke back up a little over an hour later with another nightmare. Pepper was already wide awake as I woke up which meant that I had woken her up with my nightmare. 

Tears were spilling over my cheeks after yet another nightmare with Nat kicking me out of the house. I wanted her desperately but didn't want to seem like a baby. 

Pep rubbed my back, trying to comfort me, but I continued to cry, not able to get the image of Tasha screaming at me out of my head. I just wanted to go back in time and never had done any of these terrible things to Nat.

As soon as I had calmed down a little bit, Pepper tried coaxing me back to sleep. 

"No Pepper!" I whined, not ready to go back to sleep. I knew that I would be staying asleep for the rest of the night. I did not want to have another nightmare with Nat.

"Baby, you need to sleep. It's still early."

"No! I'll have another nightmare!"

"I'll be right here to wake you up if you have another one," she told me gently.

"No!" I continued to cry and refuse to sleep.

"Do you want Clint or Steve or Tony?"

"No." Then I paused before saying, "I want mama!"

Pepper pulled me into her chest at this statement. "Oh baby, I know, shh, it's going to be okay. Your mama will be home soon, I promise."

I felt embarrassed about admitting to wanting my mom but I did, desperately. I knew I would be fine without her though, it was just going to be hard.

"Please don't make me go back to sleep," I mumbled to Pepper, really not wanting to sleep.

She sighed but responded with, "Okay, we can watch TV until you get tired." Little did she know I wouldn't get tired and fall asleep, I could spend the entire night watching TV. I had honestly gotten more sleep the last few hours then I normally do most nights.

I sat up against the headboard while Pepper grabbed the remote and turned it to some early morning TV. It was never great but it always served as a better option than sleeping.

Soon, it was time to get up. We got up a little earlier than normal and headed into the kitchen for breakfast. I wasn't hungry but I figured Pepper was going to make me eat something.

Steve was already in the kitchen when we walked in. Of course, one of the only early risers I knew. 

"Good morning," he greeted us.

"Good morning," Pepper responded while I just sat down. I did not feel up to talking to anyone. I was swimming in my own pool of grief and despair.

"How'd you sleep Wanda?" Steve asked, directing the question at me. I looked at him and shrugged slightly but still did not say anything. Luckily, he didn't push it and moved on with making his breakfast.

"What do you want to eat for breakfast?" Pepper asked me. 

I figured I would try my luck. "Not hungry," I mumbled, staring at the counter.

"You need to eat something honey, how about some toast?" I shook my head. "Eggs?" Nope. "Pancakes?" Nope. "Waffles?" Nope. "Sausage?" Nope. She huffed. "Well Wanda, you need to eat something. If you don't give me a request, I'll make you a smoothie."

I didn't say anything, still staring at the counter. 

"Smoothie it is!" Pepper exclaimed as she started grabbing the ingredients. I listened to her and Steve talk about their plans for the day as she made the smoothie. I really didn't want to eat anything but Pepper wasn't going to let me leave without eating at least something.

She set a small glass down in front of me with the pink liquid. "Did Nat make it to the farm safe?" I asked quietly, wanting to know the question that had been pressing on my mind for a while. 

"Yes she did," Pepper told me. "She wants to call you." I shot up to look at her as I shook my head. I didn't want to hear her disappointed voice as she talked to me. "Okay," Pepper said slowly, "Let me know if you change your mind."

I really wanted to see Nat, to talk to her, but I couldn't stand to hear the anger and disappointment. 

The rest of breakfast was silent, me sipping on my smoothie and Pepper scrolling through her phone. 

Clint strolled into the kitchen right as I finished my smoothie. I looked up at him to see him staring at me with a stern look. My stomach flipped as I looked back down at my empty cup. He hated me. I ruined everything.

I listened as he poured himself a cup of coffee and then as he pulled out a chair to sit down in. He took one sip before saying loudly, "Wanda." My eyes snapped up to look at him.

"Yes?"

"If you're done with breakfast, I'd like you to come with me." I looked to Pepper and then back at Clint.

"I'm done," I whispered, getting up from my chair. He got up, grabbing his coffee, and started to lead me out of the kitchen. I was scared of what was going to happen. Was he going to tell me that Nat wanted me out of the house before she got home? Was he going to send me back to Sokovia? Did he have HYDRA here to take me? My brain continued to make up crazy scenarios as I followed him to his room.

We walked in and he shut the door before gesturing to some chairs in the corner of his room. "Have a seat Wanda." His voice was not the gentle, warm voice I was used to. It sounded more like the voice he reserved for the enemies. 

He sat down in the chair across from me as he set his coffee down on the side table. "So," he started. "Do you want to tell me what happened the last few weeks?"

I really didn't but I didn't want him to be mad at me. "Um, I met some new people," I started quietly. "They are teens at my school. The first day I met them, I smoked and then lied to Nat about it. Then I continued to smoke and snuck out to a party when Nat went to take care of Nate. There were a lot of people there and I drank some alcohol but didn't get totally drunk. Then my friends and I ditched school for a week and we played a really dangerous game on some train tracks. We stopped when one of my friends almost got hit though. Um, then I went to another party where I drank a lot and got drugged. I locked myself in a bathroom where my friend found me and brought me home. Then Nat found me and I got in trouble. Um, I think that's it," I said, barely above a whisper. It had taken me a long time to get all of that out, with a lot of pauses and breaks to remember what had happened.

"That's all?" he questioned and I glanced at him before looking back at my lap. I quickly went over what I said and then almost slapped myself. I had forgotten the worst thing. 

I bit my lower lip to keep from crying as I said, "Um, I forgot the worst thing. I drugged Nat using melatonin, NyQuil, and ibuprofen pm the night before I snuck out to the second party to make sure she slept. I put it in hot chocolate." My voice was shaky as I admitted to it, now realizing even more just how bad my actions were. 

"Okay," he sighed. "And do you understand why that was not okay?"

"Yeah, I put myself in danger and I hurt Nat." I felt tears come to my eyes as I said this. 

"You did. Everything you did was extremely dangerous. I'm sure Natasha has already gone over this with you but smoking and drinking are dangerous to your health. Whenever you sneak around Wanda, you're putting your safety in danger. We don't know where you are, therefore, we can't protect you. HYDRA can scoop you up at any moment and we would have no way of knowing. Do you understand how dangerous that is?" I nodded, knowing all of this. 

"Good, I don't ever want to hear of you doing any of those things again, understand?" Another nod.

"Wonderful, now, onto you drugging Nat. What were you thinking?" he asked, his voice rising. 

"I don't know," I whispered, blinking to hold back the tears. "I really wanted to go to the party and that was the only thing I could think of. I'm sorry."

"That was the only thing you could think of?" he yelled. "The only thing you could think of was drugging your mother? Really Wanda?" A tear fell down my face and I hated myself for it. I'm not the one who should be crying. It was Nat I hurt.

"That has got to be the worst thing I've ever heard Wanda, a child drugging their own mother." My guilt rolled over me at this statement, starting to gnaw away at me even more.

"Wanda, look at me." He paused as he waited for me to look at his face. It was stern, laced with disappointment. "I don't care what reasoning you have behind it, that never is, and never will be acceptable. Natasha does everything for you and you repay her by drugging her? The worst thing is Wanda, if you were absolutely anyone else, she would have caught you. She trusts you so much that when something doesn't seem right to her, she pushes that feeling away because she never in a million years would have thought that you would've hurt her. If anyone else would have handed her that drink, she would have noticed that the taste was off immediately and would have taken them down. But you're her daughter and she loves you more than anything else. You lost a lot of trust though and it's going to take a while to gain it all back." 

I was full on crying now, trying to keep it as quiet as possible. I didn't look away from Clint though so he knew I was crying. I felt terrible and knew I deserved it. I deserved to feel this way. I did something terrible, horrific, unforgivable. I deserved to feel like a monster. I was a monster.

"I'm so sorry," I choked out. "I never meant to hurt Nat, I wasn't thinking. I know that that will never be an excuse though, I need to think things through." I don't know if any of that was intelligible through my crying but I tried.

"Wanda, I want you to really think your actions through. Think about everyone who you hurt. Think about all the trust you broke. Think about it." Then he went silent. My eyes dropped back to my lap as I thought about it.

The longer I thought about it, the more upset I got. My body started shaking with sobs as I thought about the relationships I had ruined and the people I hurt. I was the worst person to ever live.

Clint let me think it over for a bit longer before he started talking again. "Hey," he said as he set a hand on my arm to pull me out of my sobbing. "Wanda, this was not to hurt your feelings. I just want you to think over your actions. I know that you know that what you did was not okay and I expect you to do better in the future. Wanda, you have a family who loves you. Your mother loves you more than anything else in the entire world and that will never stop, no matter what you do. She may need to take some occasional breaks to think things through but that is never because she doesn't love you or can't stand to be around you. She takes these breaks as a little time-out. For her to reflect on everything and come back with a clearer mind." He softened as he finished talking, his voice no longer mean and angry.

"I'm so sorry! I'll leave now!" I sobbed, going to stand up to go get my stuff.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Clint said as he grabbed my arm, pulling me back into the chair. "You're not going anywhere Wanda," he spoke gently. "No one is kicking you out. You will never, ever be kicked out of this house. This is your home."

"But I drugged Nat!" I sobbed.

"I know and when she gets back, she'll punish you for it. But you know what happens after a punishment? You're forgiven and given a clean slate. It'll be okay kiddo," he said as he pulled me off my chair and into a hug.

I melted into his arms, sobbing and shaking in fear, guilt, despair, anguish, sadness, and panic. He held me, rubbing circles on my back as he repeated that things were going to be okay. 

I needed this. I needed someone to tell me that it was going to be okay, that Nat didn't hate me, that she still loved me despite my evil actions.

Clint held me until I calmed down and then some, making sure I felt loved and cared for. My guilt was eating me alive but I had hope that Nat wouldn't hate me once she got back. There was still that part of my brain that told me she would though and I couldn't make it go away.

"Thanks Clint," I mumbled as I pulled away, embarrassed for breaking down in front of him. 

"No problem kiddo. All's forgiven with me kid, just don't do it again or we'll be having another conversation."

"I promise I will never, ever do it again," I said as I gave him one final hug. He nodded as he made to leave the room. Right before he left the room, he turned to look at me.

"Are you ready to go out or do you need a minute?"

I honestly felt like I was about to fall apart but I could suck it up for a bit longer. The talk we just had made my guilt a million times worse as he spelled out just how bad my actions were. 

"I'm good," I told him, wiping at my face to try to get rid of any tear marks.

I followed him out of his room and back into the kitchen. Pepper was still there but Steve had left. She looked at me with a slightly worried expression. 

"How about you head on back to your room to take a shower and get ready for the day?" Pepper suggested to me. Even though she phrased it as a question, I knew it wasn't really optional. 

"Okay," I said quietly, turning to go to my room.

"Meet me in my office when you're done," she added on before I could leave.

I nodded to show her that I heard her as I continued down the hall to my room. I felt like I was about to burst into tears so I was glad for the opportunity to be alone for a little bit.

As soon as I got to my room and closed the door, the tears came out, pouring over my cheeks. I covered my mouth with my hand to try to muffle the garbled noises coming out of it. 

I felt the desperate need to self harm but I resisted as I rubbed up and down my arms, pacing my room while I sobbed. I missed Nat and it had only been a few hours. She probably hated me now. My guess was Laura did too. 

I had really screwed up. I kept repeating that to myself but it was 100% true. I know I had gone too far with drugging Nat. The other things could be chalked up to teenage rebellion but that, that was just plain disrespectful and horrific.

My entire body was shaking as I made the few short steps to my bed. I collapsed forward, crawling to the top of my bed where I grabbed my pillow and sobbed. I knew I had to take a shower soon so that Pepper didn't get suspicious but right now, I wasn't capable of anything other than crying.

The guilt was rolling through my entire body, knotting up my stomach and making my heart clench painfully. I wanted mama to come home and tell me that it was going to be okay. Clint said no one would kick me out but that didn't mean they weren't going to want to. If Nat came home and said she couldn't stand to be in the same house with me anymore, Clint would have me shipped away with no further thought. 

He was much closer to Nat then he was to me. I hurt Nat so I had to go. He told me he wouldn't but the majority of my brain still didn't believe it. I was fully expecting Nat to come home with a one way ticket to the ruined Sokovia. Then I would go back to HYDRA.

After about half an hour of sobbing uncontrollably, I tried to calm down, knowing Pepper would come looking for me soon. 

I couldn't completely stop the crying but it had gotten to a more manageable level so I got up off of my bed and headed into the bathroom to shower. 

I showered quickly, knowing I had spent a lot of time crying. I got out, threw my hair in a messy bun, put on some comfortable clothes, and headed out to go see Pepper. 

I really hoped she wasn't going to lecture me too, I couldn't handle that right now. It didn't really matter what I could handle though, I deserved to be yelled at.

When I knocked on Pepper's door, I was extremely nervous about what she was going to say to me. She called for me to come in and I did after a slight moment of hesitation.

"Hey sweetie, how're you feeling?" 

"Good," I mumbled, standing by the door, not wanting to walk into another lecture. I deserved it though so I forced myself to move forward.

"Are you feeling tired?" I shook my head despite the exhaustion filling up my body. "Okay, I was thinking we could have a relaxed day. Was there anything you wanted to do?" I shook my head. There were a lot of things I wanted to do. Sleep without nightmares, be held by Tasha, cry, scream, self-harm, lie in bed and do nothing, the list kept going. I wasn't going to admit any of those to Pepper though.

"I have a few emails I need to respond to but after that, how about we watch a movie? Then we can get some lunch and maybe go for a walk if the weather is good?" I nodded slightly. I didn't really want to do any of that but it would have to do.

"Awesome!" she exclaimed excitedly. "You can sit in here for a few minutes while I finish the emails or you can head down to the living room and pick a movie." I didn't say anything as I left the room, heading down to the living room. I don't really care what movie we watch so I just sat on the couch, waiting for Pepper to come down.

I felt nauseous and achy, my head and stomach hurting from the guilt. I focused on the pain, knowing I deserved it for what I did to Nat.

Pepper eventually came down to the living room. When she realized I hadn't picked a movie, she picked a random one off of Netflix and turned it on. I wasn't paying any attention to it but she would laugh occasionally.

Then it was lunch time. Pepper made me a sandwich which I took two bites out of and then felt sick. The bites of the sandwich slowly moved their way down my esophagus. It didn't have much flavor to me.

Pep tried to encourage me to eat more but I couldn't. Once I drank a glass of water, she let me go lay down as it was raining and cold, not suitable weather for our walk.

I lied in my bed by myself, Pepper never coming in. I was kind of glad that she never came in, it gave me some alone time to just think. 

She eventually came to get me for dinner but I told her I wasn't hungry. She felt my forehead for a fever but said that I felt cool. I wasn't sick, I just didn't want to eat. 

Night came and Pepper got back into bed with me, telling me to get some sleep. I didn't want to but the exhaustion from the day took over and made me drift off to sleep, Pepper's fingers carding through my hair.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

The next several days were spent in bed. I didn't get up to eat, watch TV, or talk to anyone. I only got up to go to my bathroom and then I would go straight back to bed. 

Most of my time was spent feeling guilty. When I did fall asleep, I would be woken up within hours with a terrible nightmare, all of them about Nat kicking me out or hating me. 

I was beginning to hate life again and it was scaring me. I really wanted Nat. I wanted my mama to be here with me. I wanted to be forgiven, even though I knew I didn't deserve it. 

Pepper came in frequently, trying to convince me to come outside or to eat but I refused each time. Clint came in a several times too, trying to get me to get out of bed. I could tell that they were getting worried but I didn't care. I felt terrible. I didn't think I deserved to live after what I had done to Nat.  

CLINT POV: 

I was getting worried about Wanda. She had locked herself in her room and wouldn't eat, drink, or get out of bed for anything other than the bathroom. Pepper was her main caregiver while Nat was gone but I wanted to do whatever I could to help. 

I figured Wanda would be the most comfortable with another female, especially one who had been living in the compound for the last several months while I was away. 

Nat kept texting me for updates on how Wanda was doing and I kept responding that she was fine. I didn't want to worry Nat even more than I knew she already was. She needed this time to relax and break down from the last several days. I didn't need to give her new, worrying information about her daughter. She needed to take care of herself for right now.

I had been getting texts from Laura, explaining that Nat was not in the best shape, definitely not in the right place to take care of a child right now. I knew if I told Nat though, she would come home immediately, no matter where her own mental health was at.

For the time being, Pepper and I had Wanda. I managed to get her to drink a little bit but I still hadn't gotten her out of bed or to eat anything. Pepper hadn't convinced her either. She drank a little bit though so that was good. 

I know she wasn't getting much sleep because she looked more and more exhausted each time I saw her. She was having nightmares and I wished I could help her. There really wasn't anything I could do though. 

The first day after Nat left, we had been giving Wanda an anti-anxiety, anti-depression, and relaxing medication in order to force her body to calm down and get some sleep. It was a pretty strong medication that we didn't want her on long-term, but for now when she was panicking, it was what she needed.

I was debating giving her another dose but she wasn't exactly panicking, she seemed almost blank. She was slipping back into her old habits, the ones she had when she first moved here. I kept a close eye on her for self-harm but it seemed as if she hadn't done any yet, thank gosh. 

Wanda seemed to be slipping away from us more and more as time went on. I still hadn't told Nat but I was getting closer and closer to admitting to her what was going on. Pepper and I had been discussing it.

Just as we had decided that it was time to let Natasha know, we got a text from her saying that she was heading home. I decided to wait until she got here to give her the rundown, wanting to do it in person when she could go right down the hall and see Wanda.

I had no doubts that Wanda would bounce back relatively quickly once Nat got home. Lila had done something a bit similar once with Laura. As soon as Laura came back home though, she was back to her old self. 

Nat was heading home and I knew that she would fix things, we just needed to give her some time.