Better Days

NATASHA POV:

Wanda's improvements continued throughout the day after our workout. She took a shower by herself without panicking which was huge! I decided that we would take a quick trip to the store to get all of the needed groceries so as soon as we were both showered and dressed, we left the compound. 

Wanda kept close to me in the car which I didn't mind. She held onto my arm but made sure not to restrict my movements for driving. 

She let go of me when we were about halfway there to pull off her sweatshirt. I glanced over at her and saw something that caught my eye. There was a red stain on the sleeve of her sweatshirt. I continued to move my eyes from the road to her sweatshirt to try to see what the stain was caused from but she pulled the sweatshirt back on before I could make out anything. 

I didn't know if I had imagined the stain but I didn't say anything about it as I instead chose to comment on her pulling back on her sweatshirt. "You can take off your sweatshirt if you're hot," I laughed, making sure that she didn't think I was mad at her. 

"It's okay, I'm not that hot," she told me quickly and I knew instantly she was lying. I didn't know why she would lie about not being hot though so I didn't say anything. I knew that it was hot in the car so I reached over to the air conditioning and turned it up slightly to try to cool her down. 

We got to the store and she quickly got out of the car so that she could come right back to my side. I gently moved her to my side so that I could walk as we entered the store. The store was just as hot if not hotter than the car so I pulled off my jacket and threw it in the cart as we continued walking. 

I didn't know why the store was so warm. "It's a sauna in here," I commented as I fanned my shirt a bit, trying to get cooler. I didn't know how Wanda was surviving in this heat with a sweatshirt AND a shirt on. 

As we continued through the store, I noticed that Wanda started to look sick. She didn't say anything as we walked so I just kept my eye on her to see if she got worse. She was red and sweaty and kept swaying like she was dizzy. 

I finally said something when she swayed extra hard, "Maybe you should take off your sweatshirt. You look hot."

"I'm not wearing a shirt on underneath," she told me and I immediately knew that something was going on. She had a shirt on earlier when she was in the car which meant that she was lying to me now. I had yet to figure out why yet. 

"Really?" I started. "Then why did you try to take it off in the car earlier?" I waited for her answer but all I got was a shrug as we headed to checkout. She looked almost like she was going to pass out so I was quick to get her back to the car. 

I turned on the air conditioning in the car to try to cool her off as I felt her warm body next to me. I wondered if she had a fever but she had seemed fine before we left the house.

All of the guys helped with bringing the groceries in the house which gave me time to go get Wanda cooled off. I dragged her to our room and told her to get out of her sweatshirt. I decided to stay in the room since she looked like she might pass out any second. I also wanted to see if she was lying to me about the shirt since I swore I saw her wearing one in the car. 

"You can go Nat, I'll be right out," she told me. I noticed that she had stopped completely with 'mama'. It hurt a little bit but I wanted to give her time, I just hoped that she eventually went back to calling me that.  

"I need to make sure you don't pass out from overheating," I told her. "I won't watch you get dressed, I just want to be in the room in case anything happens." I didn't want her hitting her head again and getting a concussion. I turned to face the door so that she could get dressed but after a few seconds of not hearing any movement, I turned back around. 

Wanda was just standing there, looking deep in thought. "Are you okay?" I asked and she looked at me. 

"Yeah." She still didn't move so I walked over to her closet and pulled out a short-sleeve shirt which I tossed at her. 

"Put this on and then come meet us in the living room. Tell FRIDAY to get me if you feel sick at all okay?" She nodded so I left. I thought that maybe she didn't want me in the room as she got changed so I left, trying to give her privacy. I had been used to her sticking to my side for the past several days so this privacy thing was something I was going to have to get used to again. 

She had started to look a little better once we got to the compound so I was leaning away from the idea of a fever but I wasn't sure. 

I got to the living room to see all of the guys sitting in the living room, having already put away all of the groceries. "Clint, what do you do for a fever?" I asked, wanting to get as much information as possible. When I got sick, which was rarely, I usually slept it off. I had never taken care of a sick kid before. I prayed she wasn't sick but I wanted to be prepared.

"What? Why?" he asked me.

"I think Wanda may have a fever."

"What happened?"

"Nothing, she just seemed very hot, she was red and sweaty and her body was on fire," I informed him.

"Well if she's sick, you can give her some meds to try to lower her fever and then make sure she gets lots of rest and fluids." I nodded as Wanda walked in the room, wearing a long sleeve shirt. I took note that the shirt she was wearing was not the one I had handed to her but I didn't say anything as she sat next to me on the couch. 

She laid on my chest and I realized with relief that she was much cooler than earlier. So maybe she didn't have a fever. I allowed my hand to gently run against her forehead, checking for a fever but she actually felt relatively cool which was good. 

We sat there for a while, watching TV with the team until it was time for dinner. She seemed pretty much back to normal as she ate with us so my worry that she was sick quickly faded away. 

We ate dinner and then played a few games with the team before it was time for bed. Wanda fell asleep quickly to my surprise but it gave me time to do some investigation. 

I very carefully slipped out of Wanda's grasp and went on a silent search for the clothes that she was wearing earlier. I had sworn that there was a bloodstain on her sweatshirt but I wasn't sure. 

I looked through the laundry but her sweatshirt and shirt were not in there. I looked in the bathroom but they weren't in there either. The trashcan in the bathroom was empty. I didn't do it so that meant she had emptied it earlier. This made me even more suspicious that she was hiding something from me but I gave up as it was late. I could ask her about it tomorrow. I climbed back in bed with Wanda and fell asleep.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

We made it through the night with only one nightmare that she managed to calm down from relatively quickly so I would call it a success. 

Lila, Cooper and Nate had all come down with what Laura thinks is the flu so Clint was probably going to have to go back to the farm. I didn't know how I would continue doing the separation technique without him but Wanda was slowly starting to be able to be without me for a little bit so hopefully the worst was behind us. 

"Alright," Clint huffed after turning off his phone. "Laura says all the kids are throwing up and they are all running high fevers. She told me she could take care of it herself but she's overwhelmed so I think I'm going to head back." He seemed slightly upset that he was leaving us but I knew that he was thrilled that he would get to be with his family again. 

"Tell Laura and the kids we miss her," I said from my place in the kitchen. 

"I will," he said as he left the room, probably to go pack. Wanda was glued to my side as I made pancakes, clutching onto my shirt. 

"How'd you sleep after your nightmare?" I asked as I pushed her hair back.

"Good," she mumbled as she rested her arm on my shoulder. She seemed tired and somewhat upset today.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just don't want Clint to go, I like having him around."

"I know, we should take a trip back to the farm soon! Well, once the kids get better," I laughed. That elicited a tiny giggle from her so I smiled as I turned back to the pancakes. 

We ate a quick breakfast and then headed to the gym to train. Clint was ready to go once we finished training so we said our goodbyes and he texted me, telling me to keep him updated with Wanda's progress on her separation. So he still expected me to carry on with the technique without him, great. 

After the gym, I decided I needed to talk to Wanda. After last night, I had thought a lot about the red stain I had seen, or thought I had seen. Was she hurting herself again? Maybe the stain was old but I still wanted to know when she did it. I then thought back to once we got back from the farm and realized that I don't remember ever seeing her in anything other than a long-sleeve shirt. Even when we were inside, buried under blankets, she was still always wearing a long-sleeve shirt. Maybe she was just cold but I had a slight feeling something else was going on. 

Wanda and I sat in the living room and I turned to face her. "Wanda," I started and she looked at me. 

"Yes?"

"I want you to know that I'm not accusing you of anything, I just want to ask you a few questions okay?" She grew pale and stiff but nodded for me to continue. "Yesterday, when we went to the store, why didn't you take off your sweatshirt?"

"I was cold."

"Then why did you try to take it off in the car but then pull it back on?"

"The car was really hot but as I went to take off the sweatshirt, I remembered that I didn't have a shirt on so I quickly pulled it back on. Then I had no choice but to wear it until we got home." I could tell that she was lying to me straight through her teeth but I didn't want to upset her so I didn't clue her in to my knowing. 

"I'm only asking because I thought I saw you wearing a shirt when we were in the car, I must've imagined it though." She nodded and looked at me curiously. I decided to rip off the band-aid, "Wanda, when you tried taking off your sweatshirt, it looked like there was a red stain on the sleeve. Did something happen that you want to tell me about."

She froze and went even paler before she started talking. "Oh, that was from the farm. I got blood on it from, well, you know, and the stain never washed out." Another lie but I nodded my head and pretended it convinced me. I wasn't happy with the lying but I knew that this was a sensitive topic. Even though she was lying about this, it didn't mean she was back to harming herself. It really could have been from awhile ago, just not long enough ago to reach the farm. 

"So there's nothing going on that you want to talk to me about?" I pushed lightly. 

"Nope, thanks though." This seemed truthful to me which made me feel a little better. She even smiled a bit as she spoke. Maybe I was just overthinking everything and nothing was actually going on. 

Now I could move onto our next subject. "So I was thinking you could try to take your test for school again later today?" I really needed to get her into school but I knew that I couldn't while she was still this attached to me. It would be nice to get a general placement for her though. 

"Nat," she whined. "I don't know why I need it! It's not like I'm going to school!"

"Wanda," I said sternly, "We talked about this already. You are going to school, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. You need to get your education, not to mention you're still a minor which means that I legally have to send you to school."

"But I can't go all day without you," she said quietly as her eyes filled up with tears. My heart clenched as I looked at my sweet girl. 

"I'm not going to send you right now, I'll give you some time to fully recover from everything that happened but I would like it if we could get you to school when it starts up next year." 

She didn't seem happy but she nodded as she pulled herself closer to me. Clint had texted me on his way to the farm and told me that I could practice the separation technique during my last appointment today. Most of my injuries were mostly if not completely healed but I still had one more appointment to ensure that everything healed well and that I can handle everything else by myself. 

It was going to be about an hour and a half appointment, a long time for me to be without Wanda. I also didn't have Clint to comfort Wanda so I was going to have to ask Tony or Steve to watch her. I trusted both of them to handle Wanda but I knew Wanda wasn't as comfortable around either of them yet as she was with Clint. Maybe I could get Pepper to come over and help. 

My appointment wasn't for another hour or so, so I had Wanda and I take quick showers before eating lunch. Wanda took the shower without complaints so I had hope that she would be fine without me for this appointment. I texted Pepper before my shower, asking if she was available to come watch Wanda for about two hours and she immediately said that she was completely free and that she would love to.

Wanda still didn't know about my doctor's appointment but I didn't want to tell her until just before I left so that she didn't have a lot of time to freak out. I realized that I still hadn't really figured out if Wanda was willing to take her school test later but I was about to leave so it could wait until another time.

Pepper texted me that she arrived and she headed up to the living room where Wanda and I were sitting. "Hey Pepper!" Wanda smiled as she walked in the room. "What are you doing here?"

Pepper looked at me and I gave her a slight shake of my head. I didn't want Wanda to know I was leaving yet. I hoped that it would go better than it had been going when I left but if it didn't, I didn't want her to have to suffer longer. 

"I wanted to come visit!" she responded excitedly. "I have been so busy with SI, I wanted to come take a break and see my favorite girls!" She gave Wanda a huge hug and then hugged me. It was so nice having another woman in the building. Wanda and I were the only two and it was nice to have Pepper here again.

She used to live here but ever since the company got big again, she had to go live closer to headquarters so that she didn't have as long of a commute. 

It was now time for me to head to my appointment and I was dreading leaving Wanda again. A tiny part of me broke every time I heard her crying for me. Wanda was lying against my chest so I gently pushed her up so that she could look at me. 

"Hey Wanda, so I have my final doctor's appointment in a few minutes so I'm going to head out and you can hang with Pepper." Her face dropped. 

"That's why she's here?" she yelled, starting to panic. 

"Calm down Wanda, deep breaths," I told her, trying to prevent a major meltdown. She listened to me and calmed down slightly but was still gripping onto my arms. 

I had told Pepper earlier that Wanda was not easy to watch when she had a meltdown and that she may need to take a hands-on approach in order for me to leave. I looked at Pepper and she took the hint as she slowly moved next to me and Wanda, starting to gently coax Wanda away from me. 

"Wanda, we can watch TV or play games if you want. We can even bake or take a walk." Pepper was trying hard to get Wanda to stay calm but it wasn't working. 

"No! I don't want to do those things, I want to stay with you Tasha! I have been so good, I've been taking showers by myself and trying to stay away from you! Please!" So that's why she was getting better at being away from me. It wasn't because she wanted to but because she thought that that was what I wanted. Of course I wanted her to get back to normal and be comfortable with being by herself. She needed the independence, but I had no problem spending time with her. It was actually kind of nice. 

"I know Wanda, you have been doing very good with being by yourself. I need to go to my appointment though so here is another opportunity for you to practice. I'll be in the same building and you have Pepper here. If you want, we can see if Steve or Tony can come spend time with you."

"But I want you!" The tears had started and she was trying to pull herself back into my arms. I looked at Pepper and she placed a hand on Wanda's shoulder. 

"C'mon Wanda! We can have fun, we'll do something and you won't even realize she's gone!" It sounded like we were talking to a preschooler who was afraid to leave their mother on the first day of school so it was hard to remember that it was really a 16 year old who was absolutely terrified of leaving. She had gone through so much, I didn't blame her for wanting to be close to someone. 

Wanda didn't listen to anything else Pepper said so I had to forcefully remove her from me and gently place her into Pepper's embrace, all while she was screaming and crying, trying to claw her way into my arms. "I love you honey," I said as I gave her a quick kiss on her head and left the room. 

Again, her screams pulled on my heartstrings as I walked down the hallway. I heard her yelling, "I need you!" and I had to bite down on my tongue to prevent a sob from escaping. This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life, leaving my baby while she obviously wanted me. I just prayed that she would get over this soon.

PEPPER POV:

I had gotten a text from Nat, asking if I could come watch Wanda. I was slightly confused but quickly responded, telling her that I would love to. I thought that Wanda was 16, slightly old for a babysitter in my opinion but maybe I was wrong. 

The last time I had seen her, she cried in my arms for hours after finding out about Nat getting hurt. The poor girl had gone through so much within her lifetime, I couldn't even imagine going through all that loss and pain. 

Natasha then sent me a more detailed text explaining everything that had been going on with Wanda and her separation anxiety. Then it made much more sense as to why she wanted me to come "watch her." She told me to expect a lot of screaming and crying. She told me that she may even attempt to use her powers on me but that she should know better not to. 

I used to live at the compound with Tony but then I had to move upstate so that I could be closer to SI headquarters as I had millions of meetings every day. I finally had a break that would last a few days but I was trying to work out my schedule so that I would only have to be upstate maybe 1-2 times a week so that I could move back into the compound. I missed everyone so much, I was ready to go home. 

I immediately got in the car and headed down there to make sure that I was there in time for Nat's appointment. Luckily, I had already been close to the compound because I had a meeting that was located further out of town, meaning that I didn't need to be right by headquarters. If I was at my house near SI, it would have taken me nearly 3 hours to get to the compound so I was glad I was already close. 

When I arrived, I texted Nat and then headed up to the living room to find Wanda lying against Nat. I kind of expected it after Nat told me all about how close she had stuck to her side the past couple of weeks. 

Nat started trying to convince her that she could hang out with me while she went to her appointment but Wanda went into instant panic-mode. Nothing we said made Wanda let go of Nat so finally, I had to step in. Nat helped me maneuver Wanda out of her grasp and into mine. 

"Tasha! Tasha please!" Wanda screamed at the top of her lungs between her sobs as Nat left the room. I had Wanda's back pressed against my chest as she squirmed, trying desperately to get to Nat. 

I tried to rock her slowly to calm her down but she only sobbed harder. With little difficulty, I was able to maneuver Wanda so that she was now crying into my chest as I pressed myself against the back of the couch to hold her. 

She had stopped trying to leave my grasp but still hadn't stopped crying for Nat. "Tasha, please come back! I love you! Tasha, I'm sorry!" Her cries broke my heart and I assured her that Nat loved her too and that she would be back soon, nothing did anything to calm her down though. 

After about an hour of her sobbing for Tasha, she switched to something that surprised me. I heard her say "mama" a few times and I wondered if she had ever called Nat that before. "Mama, I miss you! Please come back! Mama!" she cried as I continued to run my fingers through her hair while the other hand rubbed her back. 

I would have to ask Nat when she got back. She switched between "mama" and "Tasha," begging her to come back and constantly apologizing. I didn't know what she was apologizing for but it was heartbreaking. 

Wanda's sobs all of a sudden got louder and harsher and I realized she was having a panic attack. She turned her head out of my chest and instead was resting it on my shoulder to try to breathe while she coughed. She was crying so hard she was making it so that she couldn't breathe. 

"Calm down sweetie, you're okay," I told her as I tried to look at her face. "Oh honey," I mumbled as I continued to rock her, trying to calm her down. 

Wanda was starting to panic even more and I was getting worried so I was so glad when Nat re-entered the room. Wanda saw her almost immediately and picked her head up off of my shoulder as she ran into her arms. 

"I'm here baby, I'm sorry. You did so good, I love you so much," Nat murmured as she hugged Wanda. Nat moved over to the couch and let Wanda lay on her as she sobbed. 

She pulled out her phone and sent me a quick text, "What happened?"

"She cried the entire time you were gone but she only started really panicking about ten minutes ago. I don't know what changed."

"She probably worked herself up. She should calm down soon, thanks for watching her."

"No problem, I'll do it any time." Nat smiled at me as she sent another text. 

"Doctors said everything is healing nicely. I should be back to 100% in about a week or so. My ribs just need a little more time to completely heal."

"That's awesome Nat! Oh, Wanda also called you "mama" while she was crying. Has that ever happened before?" I watched Nat's reaction and saw her smile, look at Wanda, and then go back to texting me. 

"She called me that once, the other day. She immediately panicked, thinking that I would hate her for it. She went back to saying Tasha right after though. I talked to her about it and let her know that it was her decision whether or not she wanted to call me that."

"Congrats Nat, it's a girl!" She smiled and laughed once she read the text and then she put her phone back, turning all of her attention to Wanda. I watched as Nat ran her fingers through Wanda's hair and murmured to her, immediately calming her down. 

I decided to get up and go find Tony once Wanda had calmed down, wanting to give her some alone time with Nat. I smiled as I thought of how happy and calm Nat had seemed when around Wanda and vice versa. I think they both finally got what they needed. 

WANDA POV:

Nat had questioned me about the sweatshirt fiasco and I panicked slightly. She was on to me. If I wasn't careful, she was going to figure out about the rubber band. I couldn't have that happening so I lied about everything that she asked me. 

Luckily, she dropped it after awhile and didn't seem too suspicious so hopefully I got away with it. She would think I was so weak if she found out. 

We were just sitting on the couch when Pepper walked in. I had missed her a lot so I was glad she was back. The last time she had seen me, I was kind of a mess but she didn't mention it which was good. We hugged and then she hung out with us. I didn't know why she was here but it was nice to have her back. 

"Hey Wanda," Nat spoke up after a little bit and I turned to face her, "So I have my final doctor's appointment in a few minutes so I'm going to head out and you can hang with Pepper." 

I felt panic bubble inside of me. "That's why she's here?" I yelled as I turned to look at Pepper. My panic was coming out as anger, I didn't want to leave her again. I couldn't do this anymore.

"Calm down Wanda, deep breaths," she told me gently and I tried to take deep breaths. I felt myself become a little more mellow but I still had a death grip on Nat, terrified she was going to leave me. 

"Wanda," Pepper started, "We can watch TV or play games if you want. We can even bake or take a walk."

"No!" I snapped again. "I don't want to do those things, I want to stay with you Tasha! I have been so good, I've been taking showers by myself and trying to stay away from you! Please!" I tried pointing out my progress to make Nat rethink leaving me but it didn't work. 

"I know Wanda, you have been doing very good with being by yourself. I need to go to my appointment though so here is another opportunity for you to practice." I didn't want another opportunity to practice but Nat started talking again before I could get a word out, "I'll be in the same building and you have Pepper here. If you want, we can see if Steve or Tony can come spend time with you." 

I didn't want any of this, I just wanted her. "But I want you!" I cried, trying to pull my body into her arms but she was holding me up. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I tried to jerk away but the hand didn't move. 

"C'mon Wanda! We can have fun, we'll do something and you won't even realize she's gone!" No, no, no, that's not what I wanted! I wanted Nat, I couldn't go without Nat again!

Then Nat started pushing me into Pepper's arms gently. I desperately tried to hold onto her but she moved out from under my grasp, leaving me sobbing in Pepper's arms. "Tasha! Don't leave! Tasha please! I need you!" I cried as she left the room, leaving me alone with Pepper. 

"I love you honey," she said right before she left, kissing my head. I felt Pepper rock me but it did nothing to calm me down. I was tired of this, all I wanted was Nat and for some reason, she was set on leaving me alone every day. It was killing me! 

At first I had struggled in Pepper's grasp to try to reach Nat but I knew that I wasn't going to win so I settled with resting against her and sobbing out all of the pain. I had contemplated using my powers on her but I didn't want to hurt Pepper and I knew that I was on my last warning with Nat. 

At one point, Pepper turned me so that I was facing her but all I did was rest my head on her shoulder as I cried into her chest, still begging for Nat. 

It felt like way longer than she had ever left me before and I couldn't take it anymore. "Mama please!" I knew I reverted back to the baby-ish phrase but I was hoping that it would be enough to send Nat back. "Mama, I miss you! Please come back! Mama!" Nothing I said made her come back and I started to panic. I didn't just want her, I needed her and she wasn't here. 

Pepper rubbed my back and spoke to me gently but it only made me more desperate for Nat. Pepper was great, I loved her, but no one could replace Nat and I wanted her so bad. I was having flashbacks of Nat being hurt in the med-bay while Pepper held me and it was doing nothing to calm me down. 

I realized I couldn't breathe so I twisted my head so that it was resting on Pepper's shoulder, facing away from her, as I tried to take in deep breaths of fresh air. "Calm down sweetie, you're okay," I heard Pepper tell me. "Oh honey," she said sympathetically as she brushed my hair out of my face. 

I stayed this way for a few minutes until I saw Nat walk in the door. I was quick to get off of Pep's lap and run into Nat's arms. I immediately felt better but I was still panicking slightly. 

"I'm here baby, I'm sorry. You did so good, I love you so much." Nat moved to the couch and I followed her and then crashed into her, sobbing and holding onto her for dear life, praying that she didn't leave again. I thought I was getting better but for some reason, I absolutely panicked when she left this time. 

Nat rubbed my back and told me that I was okay over and over again until I felt my breathing go back to normal and my crying stopped. Every time I had these separation attacks, it left me feeling exhausted and vulnerable. 

I heard Pepper leave but didn't care as I laid with my head on Nat's chest. I knew if I slept now, I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight but it's not like I got much sleep at night anyways so with that thought in mind, I let my eyes close as I fell asleep in the arms of my favorite person. 

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

I woke up after yet another nightmare but I managed not to cry or panic, just jolting awake and staying near Nat. Pietro had been screaming at me for calling Nat "mama." It's not like I blamed him, I felt really guilty for replacing mother but I felt that way towards Nat, it just slipped out.

I picked my head up and saw that Nat was sleeping as well. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was already 5:30, meaning that we would get no sleep tonight. It was also nearing dinner time so I gently shook Nat awake.

"Nat," I whispered while shaking her shoulder. Her eyes shot open as she did a quick scan of the room. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just figured I should wake you up or we won't get any sleep tonight. It's already 5:30."

"Oh," she said as she rubbed her eyes and sat up completely. "Well let's go get some food in you." I got off of the couch and managed to walk next to her without touching her. I wanted to try to get better at not being attached to her for every second of the day. 

Tony, Steve, Rhodey, Pepper and Vision were in the kitchen, finishing serving dinner. They all looked up as we walked in and shot us smiles as they went back to what they were doing. 

I sat down next to Nat as I rubbed my wrist. The wounds were starting to heal and scab over which meant that they itched, a lot. I had to be subtle about it so that no one noticed. 

Everyone slowly started to sit around the table and serve themselves food. We had chicken and salad. I was feeling slightly nauseous but I still managed to eat a decent serving, at least a good enough amount to please Nat. 

I was still feeling a little shaky from my nightmare so once everyone finished dinner, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I was leaving Nat but that was okay with me for the moment, I needed some privacy. 

I locked the door and slid down against the wall, bringing my knees up to my chin. I tried to resist but I could no longer hold back as I vomited in the toilet. My stomach couldn't handle food right now. That only made my guilt worse so I slid my sleeve up my arm and started snapping the new rubber band on my wrist. This one stung more because it was not stretched out like the last one was. 

I relished in the feeling of the sting as I made new, bright red marks up and down my wrists. I desperately wanted to tell Nat, tell her that I needed help, but I couldn't find a way to do it and I didn't want her to control me. 

I was terrified of this path that I was going back down as I was starting to feel the need to die again but I just couldn't find a way to tell Nat. I just needed to hold on a little longer until I could figure something out. I wanted reassurance that I would be okay, but it was hard to get that if you couldn't explain what you needed. I just wanted Nat.