Panic attacks, Lesbian corruption and Call the midwife
I return to school a week later, keeping my head down, despite loads of questions about my absence, I shake slightly as the teacher enter my classroom, for some reason the smell of the perfume brings back something I wanted to push away a long time ago.
When I was on that plane I wasn’t alone, I sat next to a guy called John, for 23 hours we sat next to each other, eventually he asked my name and we started talking. He was a New Zealander, travelling to England to meet his girlfriend who was planning to move back with him after a British summer. Never did he ask me about the scars on my arm, or the guards standing near the locked case at the front, but he did as to try a speech on me. The proposal speech he handed on saying to Rebecca, his girlfriend.
But the 10th hour of the flight he had it memorized, I had spell checked it and was engaged about 7 times, he was a good man. As the red lights flashed above and my stomach fell to my mouth he turned to me. He turned to a lost, recently fixed, scarred teenager for support. I could have saved him, but I couldn’t.
He wore a distinct sent, I remember asking him about it, it wasn’t him, it was Rebeccas, the scarf she had left the last time she was with him. He kept it, it smelt like her.
As Ms Robert clipped down that isle her small lingered there, picked up by my heightened senses and I froze. It all came rushing back, he could have been with his fianceé, but I killed him, I was the reason he died.
‘okay class, so today…’ I zone out the voice and focus on breathing
In, out, in ,out, in, out breathe Iris, just like Nat showed you, its all a memory, its in the past
--flashback—
Crash
A judder runs through the length of the plane and everyones eyes snap to the flight attendants, who suddenly rush as a group to the pilot
‘ladies and gentlemen we are experiencing some is..’ but the announcement is cut off as we drop from the sky. Johns eyes meet mine and I see terror, but almost not for him. His mouth opens in a split second and I think he is going to say something but the pressure is too much. We are falling so fast the sky blurs past the widow and I almost rise from my seat.
The crash is shattering, pain erupts through everything, my ears ring as the metal hits on impact, my right side feeling a blast of heat as the engine explodes, the screams f the dying fade to the dead as my vision goes black, then I hear a voice through the darkness
‘you are my everything, you are my world. I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you’ then another voice joins, light with a British accent
‘your life will be short though’
--flashback ends—
‘Miss Davids’ I gasp back to life, trying to get oxygen into my failing lungs
‘Iris, are you okay?’ Al is by my side, shaking me gently, I flinch away from her touch and she understands, knowing I cant deal with touch after a flashback
‘Are you okay’ a gentler voice asks, and I snap my head up, Ms Roberts is leaning over me, behind her my class look on with open mouths and a few phone cameras. My breath hitches in my throat and my eyes flicker out, the lights are too harsh, the whispering too loud and everything is too tight, too personal, too much.
‘i..’ I gasp, trying to form complete sentences
‘everyone leave’ Ms Roberts commands and the class flies quickly and diligently out, murmuring among themselves loudly
‘hey, hey, hey, its okay’ she says gently, sitting down next to me, keeping her distance though, Al sits on a table in the background texting quickly, thumbs blurring, probably contacting one of the gang but I don’t care
‘look at me’ Ms Robert tries and I raise my head slowly, everything overwhelming me as visions flash before my eyes
‘name 3 things you can feel’ she prompts slowly, and I shut my eyes again, trying to block out everything but the things touching me
‘m…m..my hoodie’ I stutter out stupidly like a three year old, still squeezing my eyes tight shut ‘urm…the…the… chair… and, and a breeze..? Alex has opened the widow’ I confirm opening my left eye to see my friend unceremoniously wobbling on a chair reaching for the wedge
‘good’ the teacher soothes and my breathing finally starts to even out, but my pulse is still racing
‘3 things you can see?’ I open my other eye and push my chair back, so im leaning against the cold, pacifying wall
‘my hands’ my line of sight drops to my hands in my lap and I grow red suddenly
‘shit’ I murmur seeing the red tendrils crawling around my fingers and up my wrists ‘my dawn’ Ms Roberts nods, a small smile on her face ‘and…and you’ I finish lamely, finally finding eye contact.
At the back Al suddenly rushes out of the room on the phone and I concentrate on my teacher
‘did.. did I scream? Did I hurt anyone?’ I think quickly my mind working at a million thoughts a minute
‘no, well kind of’ she replies quickly and I release a sigh of relief
‘you, you just sort of screamed quietly and then let out a small explosion dome thing’ wincing I look around at my table, the pens are sprawled across the surface and my notebook is on the roof
‘you didn’t hurt anyone Iris, its okay’ I look back up at her calculatingly before asking
‘how did you know how to help?’ a flicker crosses her face ‘not many people know how to deal with stuff like that?’
‘I urm’ this time its her stammering through her answer ‘my sister, went through somethings and she has a bit of PTSD, she was in the army and I help her sometimes’
I nod
‘thank you, thank you so much’ she offers a small grin in return
‘its okay, but I have an idea if you think something like that is going to happen again’ she slowly pulls out a pack of neon pink post-it notes, I frown in confusion for a second and she explains
‘my sisters teacher came up with a solution, if you feel stressed or overcome stick one of these on your notebook or desk; they are so bright I can see them easily from the front so I wont pick you and you’ll be left alone, do you think that could work?’
‘yes’ grinning I take the packet from her ‘that sounds like an amazing plan’
‘great’ she straightens herself up and walks to the back of the room, preparing to let the class back in
‘wait’ I call out suddenly and she turns, her hand on the doorknob ‘can… can you please thank your sister from me, for her service… in the army’
‘of course I will, she’d love that’ Ms Roberts replies and throws open the door, everyone rushes back in, Al comes straight up to me
‘hey, one of them is headed over after the lesson, you’ve got permission to leave early’
‘thanks Al’ I smile as she walks up to the front desk to tell Ms Roberts.
Half an hour later the bell rings and we all rush out in a gaggle, I send a grateful glance to the teacher before letting the flow take me. Waiting at the end of the corridor is a certain red head with a cap and sunglasses (the classic avengers disguise) a few students mill around but I cut through the gang easily with my head down, greeting my spider mum with a murmur and retuned smirk
‘lets go red’ me whispers and we walk quickly down the passageway, as soon as I am safely in the blacked out sports car outside I let out a long shaky breath I didn’t know I was holding in
It’ll get better
It must… right?
***
The nightmares come back later that night. I jerk awake, sweating with the sheets wrapped around my legs. My eyes flash around the room, searching for a sense of familiarity, I heave a sigh of relief when they land on the worn out copy of Spellslinger on my bedside table, the half-complete sketches and a photo of the team altogether. I sit up in bed, running my fingers through my damp hair. I cant even remember the nightmare. But it okay. Im in my room. Im safe. The others are safe, Nat and Val are alive.
Breathe
‘FRIDAY what time is it?’ I ask the dark room
‘3:13 am’ FRI replies, I groan, flopping back down into bed, for a second I contemplate going back to sleep, but decide against it and instead pad softly to the kitchen. When I arrive I am matched with a strange sight. Nat, Buckey, Bruce, Val and Lena are sitting around the table, with steaming mugs and playing cards. I wait for a second at the door, I consider interrupting them but Nat makes my decision for me.
‘come on over детский рассвет’ she says with a smile, I walk over with and they set down their cards, I sit between Val and Bruce.
‘nightmare?’ the scientist asks
‘yeh’ I reply, looking at my hands in my lap, Val kisses my forehead and stands up
‘join the club, would you like some hot chocolate?’ she asks and I nod slowly
‘is this seriously the nightmare club?’ I ask and Buckey nods
‘yes, unfortunately’
‘what was yours about’ Lena prompts as Val passes me a boiling cup
‘I cant remember’ I answer honestly, shaking my head
‘did you have a panic attack when you woke up’ Bruce adds, adjusting the sleeve of his pjs awkwardly
‘yes’ I answer again ‘but only a small one’
‘that’s better Red’ Nat says, scootching beside me into a hug ‘im glad you came to us’
‘are you all okay’ I whisper, seeing the scars on nats wrists have cleared up a lot recently
‘we’re good, the usual’ Buckey states, Bruce and Val nod
‘we’ve all been dealing with nightmares and PTSD for most of our lives. We know how to get past it’ Bruce gestures to the cards, hot chocolate and company ‘this helps us get through it. Helps u know we are not alone’
I smile softly ‘Like a sort of club’
Buckey grins ‘Exactly for people awake at 3am’ I pick up my cards and look at them
‘so, watcha playing?’
‘go fish’ Lena smirks ‘it’s the only one we all know how to play’ I almost giggle at the absurdity of 4 superheroes playing go fish in the middle of the night. Nat sets down her mug
‘ill thrash you all’ she states, picking up her hand
‘sure ya will’ Val replies, wiggling her eyebrows. After 4 am people start leaving, I go to bed at around quarter to five, when the drinks are cold and only Nat and Buckey left as I walk out, gently setting my cup on the draining board Nat calls to me
‘hey, смелая девушка’ I turn around and she smiles sadly, emeralds glinting in the dark ‘nightlights help’
***
The next day Peter huffs in the elevator and quietly ignores FRIDAY’s attempts at small talk, he chucks his school bag on the floor with a thud, leaving it in a heap with Thor’s hammer, a bow, The Shield, an old leather jacket and about 3 knives next to a loaded gun.
He drags his feet into the kitchen before pouring himself a large mug of steaming hot chocolate, suddenly a loud yell comes from behind him
‘SAY I FUCKING LOVE YOU’
‘FUCKING KISS HER’
‘THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU SEE HER-DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS-KISS THE HELL OUTTA HER’
Then a few gun shots join the voices emitting loudly from the cinema room. After cursing (in periodic table) and trying in vain to get the stain out of his new jumper Peter runs into the room, pausing out side the door to check his watch
Friday 4:05-Movie night for all the couples in the tower-or the newly named Lesbian Night as all the couples were female. He barged into a hilarious sight.
Still yelling curses at the screen all the girls were laying over the sofas In various pairs, Nat had her gun out and was shooting at the tv (which Stark had made bulletproof after the 4th replacement) Maria was yelling and trying to calm her girlfriend down-cracks were beginning to appear across the screen. Yelena was looking confused but seemed to be getting the jist by what she was shouting and Carol fist were glowing gold with anger. Red seemed to have cast a soundproof dome over her and Val, she’s dropped the illusions she keeps up during the day and the pale scars covering her arms makes Peter wince, remembering only a few weeks ago siting by her bed, wishing she would wake up. Red sees Peters confused look at the dome before signing;
‘the swearing would make Tony wince’ Peter laughs and grabs the controller pausing it as a young brunette with a big fringe and smiling face started to push off on a bicycle.
As soon as the pause sign hits the screen the room goes deadly quiet, Maria stops trying to wrestle the gun off Nat and cocks her own; even Yelena death glares the small boy, now almost quivering under the gaze of The Female Avengers TM
‘What did you just do’ Carol voice comes out in a growl
‘p…paau….se…d….it…tt’ he stutters
‘paused it?’ Val mutters
‘paused it?’ Maria adds
‘приостановил это?’ Yelena whispers, then repeats ‘paused it?’
‘you just paused the one moment in all of the 9 supreme seasons of Call the midwife, the one moment our favourite welsh gay gets run over and gets’ she sniffs ‘amnesia, meaning her girlfriend-our favourite plaid red head cannot tell her I am the woman you loved for 3 years because of homophobia in the 50’s so has to say I am one of your friends. Friends? Friends? And… and… we don’t get an on screen kiss until 3 seasons of them being together. But when do we get a straight kiss? When?’ the young woman finishes standing up, an arm around Val’s waist and the other holding a raging ball of dawn
‘first date, first episode’ the group choruses
‘THAT HAPPENS?’ peter yells and leaps onto the sofa, snatching the controller and rewinding 30 seconds. The woman look surprised but offers him the end of a blanket
That is how, 30 minutes later Tony Stark walks into Lesbian ClubTM to see all the woman in an emotional heap on the sofa cuddled into fluffy blankets and a sniffling Peter. The tv screen shows two women having coffee together in an old shop he groans internally knowing what is happening, so he sneaks out, leaving the sobbing Peter to his -also sobbing- adopted moms and sisters.
‘Lesbians have corrupted my son’ he whispers into his hands, sighing as he begins to clear up the hot chocolate still lying spilled on the counter