Heartbeat
‘Hey kid’ Carol says softly, walking into my room, I smile faintly at the sight of them.
‘hey’ is all I can think of to reply. They look so tried and… they’ll kill me for saying this… old?
‘you feeling a bit better’ they sit down on the chair by my bed and I sit up slowly, trying not to put too much weight on my painful arms
‘yes’ I nod ‘a lot better, although I feel lightly like an eskimo’ I laugh and gesture to the swashes of huge bandages. Carol says nothing, just studies me carefully, sighing I try again
‘I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to go so far’ whispering I take her glowing hand in mine, it shocks me slightly
‘I know you didn’t, but you did, and we are so lucky we found, I don’t know what we’d do without you’ the spaceperson grins slightly
‘I mean, we’d have so much more food, but im sure we could sacrifice a few pizzas for your smile’
I join her laugh ‘there you go’ they carry on ‘that smile’ a little glow lights me up with happiness
‘are Maria and Monica coming over?’ I ask, their face falls for a second
‘no sweetie, ive cancelled the visit’
‘you didn’t have to do that’
‘yes, yes I did, I want to be there to help you’
‘thank you’ they paste their smile back on
‘of course red, we are all here for you, now, shall I send the next ones in?’ the stand and walk over to the door
‘yes please’ I say
‘love you Iris’ she shuts the door gently behind her
‘love you Carol’ I whisper into my pillow just before the door smashes open and a bomb of puppy eyes and floppy hair throws himself at me
‘oh my god red, you terrified us, I mean me, I mean Val, shes really sad and apparently her and Nat are still up upstairs but you scared us, we cant loose you, we love you, how are you are you, okay? do you need anything changed, does nat need to kill anyone for you? Peter gushes in a single breath
‘jeez underroos, let the girl speak’ stark is leaning against the door with his sunglasses on, even though I have already dimmed the light significantly. Peters hits down beside me and squeezes me in a huge hug
‘hey Pete, Mr Stark’ I gasp before double tapping the boy jokingly
‘How you feeling kiddo?’ Stark asks kindly, not leaving his place on the door frame
‘Good’ I nod ‘I still don’t know what came over me, I don’t know I just’ I stop, wishing the tears in my eyes not to fall
‘Is okay Iris’ Peter states from his place on my right ‘ive been taking to Dr Cho and we think we can get rid of all the scars really quickly’ he seems to excited but I stop him
‘no pete, sorry but I don’t want to cover my scars, if I need to I can always create an illusion’ he looks confused so I take a deep breath calling on my dawn. I wrap myself in it, making my cheeks slightly pinker, my hair shiny and brighter, vanish all my bandages and replace them with a slightly more tanned arms, I even add my favourite t-shirt and jeans.
Peter looks awestruck, and even Stark looks slightly impressed
‘woahhhhh, you can do that?’ he murmurs
‘yep, I’ve been using it to go out in public since my identity came out, im too scared to go as myself’ I reply, then frown
‘You seriously never knew I could do that’ he laughs slightly
‘well… you do now…’
I let him natter away at a million miles a minute for a while before FRIDAY interrupts
‘Glowstick Gal im afraid I’ll have to cut Stickey Boi’s visit short before Thor, Steve and Clint break the door down to get in here’
Peter giggles ‘bye for now then’ he falters for a bit before launching at me
‘so’ he stutters ‘I have a special jumper on that means if you squeeze me you will feel better’ I sign inwardly
‘I love your hugs Pete’ I whisper into his fluffy hair
‘And we love you’ he replies, before leaving, Stark hangs around at the door before he speaks-still facing away from me
‘I’m sorry kiddo’ is all I hear before he vanishes from sight
***
Thor, Steve and Clint are next, Clint shows me pictures of his kids on the new treehouse he built last time he was there, Thor makes me hold his hammer the entire time to prove my worth and Steve lectures me on self love and… well…. I zoned out in minute 3. Then they all clear out suddenly, Clint snatching back his phone and thor summoning his hammer as Steve gives a conclusion, then I’m left with Val.
She’s standing by the door in the same clothes, I think, as yesterday, there is a bit of blood flecked on the top, but the knees are dark brown and crusty, her dark hair is tied back in a messy bun with strands hanging out that have been braided into tiny little braids like she does when shes nervous.
As she leans against the door I notice her index finger and thumb rubbing together and sigh, shes thinking hard about what to say to me
‘Don’t do that’ she says suddenly
‘What?’
‘Don’t sigh like that’ she says, away, still leaning by the door ‘you don’t get to sigh, you don’t get to be tried of all of this or annoyed. You only get to be hurt and sorry and healing, okay?’
I nod numbly and she closes her eyes for a second, then opens them in a flash
‘I cant even close my eyes for long anymore. I slept for an hour last night then lay there, with my eyes open because every time I shut them, every time I lost control of my surroundings I saw you, slumped in your own blood. I saw you, cutting yourself. I saw you, not even able to talk to me. I saw you and I saw me, standing by your side, standing over you doing nothing, not even being able to help you.
I think that if I close my eyes, if I sleep or loose consciousness even for a second I’ll hear your screams, or Natasha’s screams, or a machine flat wiring, or someone calling time of death, or even Dr Cho, calling me to your death bed to try and talk to you but honestly’ she drags her hand through her hair
‘I have nothing to say to you’ she finishes quietly ‘I cant say anything to make you feel better, I cant say anything to help you, to heal you, I can’t stop the pain or stop anything Iris. I just cant’
I feel tears prick at the edge of my eyes
‘I’ll move then’ I sniff ‘It’ll be awkward if I still live at the tower, I have some saving I could use-‘
But she cuts me off, forehead crinkling with confusion ‘What?’
‘I mean, if you’re breaking up with me then’ I gesture with my hands and wipe away a small tear, hearing my heart thudding in my chest
‘I’m not breaking up with you’ she says slowly and my head snaps up from where I was fiddling with my bandages
‘I’m breaking up with…this you, I’m saying that I cant stop you, I cant be around… you when you’re feeling like this, when you’re doing this because I feel so helpless. I…’ she ruffles her hair again and looks up, blinking rapidly
‘I love you Iris, and I just… I feel so helpless. I know I need to be there for you, I know I need too be strong and support you and tell you its going to be okay and that it’ll all be alright. But I don’t know how to be there for you, I don’t know how to be strong, or what to do to support you, I cant even see if its going to be okay, I cant look into the future and tell you it’ll be allright because I don’t know anything’
‘Val’ I start ‘I…’ I think, wracking my brains of anything to say to her, how to comfort her
‘come here, please’ I look up to her and wiggle over slightly on the bed, she sighs and flops across the room, collapsing onto the bed beside me and lying there, both of us staring at the same ceiling panel
‘I… urm… there are signs really. It starts by cutting yourself off almost, spending lots of time alone. Time alone brings up questions, brings up doubts about yourself and the people around you, picking your scars is also a big one, hiding your scars or constantly looking at them or giving them extra attention.
Wearing long sleeves and trousers is when its started-it hides the marks. When you withdraw from your life a bit really, pull away from people and the things that make you happiness, keeping sharp things close by, fiddling a lot. Exercising a lot, or going on long walks, working off energy-that’s the nerves really, because you know you probably shouldn’t do what you do, so you get nervous. And… those are the main signs really, but… refusing to get changed in front of people, or not going into public places’ I list all these symptoms from memory, read in one of my many mental health books on my shelf
‘okay, so.. what do I do? What do I do if this happens, if you do this?’ Val asks, uncertainly and I gras her hand, pretending not to feel her hesitate as the bandages scratch her skin
‘usually you call someone, tell the parents, but’ I let my eyes roll ‘they’re out of the question for me, tell Nat, maybe Carol or Lena or Maria-one of them, definitely Dr Cho. Don’t teach me different, treat me normally, don’t treat me like im going to shatter, like im made of glass. Tell me how you feel and how im worried and just sit there, you don’t even have to talk just be there, you know, lecture me on your day, complain about training, talk about whos cooking dinner.
Make sure I dont have any knives, any thing I can use, don’t confiscate them, im not a toddler but stop me. Help me, let me know your there and even if I don’t talk to you at first, even if I cant voice the sounds in my head ill get there, ill have a time like… this, when I can help you and then you can help me’
I end with a small sigh and roll over so I can count the freckles on Val’s nose, her eyes looking straight into mine
‘shut your eyes’ I say quietly and she shakes her head, a tear rolling out of her eye and across the bridge of her nose, passing her other eye and splashing onto the pillow
‘Shut them, im right here, im not going anywhere’ I whisper and she shakes it again
‘I cant do that Iris, I’ve already seen my love die in front of my eyes I cant do that to you too’ she replies softly and I put my arm around her, pulling her closer to me so her head is resting on my chest
‘Can you hear it?’ I ask ‘Can you hear my heart rate?’
A tear rolls onto my t shirt and I feel her nod against me
‘I’m not going any where, im not leaving you’
Eventually her breathing goes even, her eyes staying shut and not flickering, her head stays on my chest, my heart rate lulls us both asleep, gently and steady.
Always there.
Never faltering, never straying.
Constant.