Chapter 21
Someone brings Tony the stuff that he had requested and they also grill him slightly on where he's been before he can manage to get them to leave. "Alright. Anybody up for some snowboarding?"
"What's that?" Kraglin asks and I smile, noticing adult Kraglin looking slightly pissed which makes me smile more.
"Well, Kraggles, it's when you're on a board and you go sliding down a mountain. For fun."
"That sounds insane!" Gamora objects and I look at her. "Let's do it!" She smiles brightly and I manage to keep mine to a small quirk of the corner of the mouth.
"We're gonna. First off, do we have anti-venom this time?"
"Yeah, Cap'n. We do," Tex assures and I nod.
"Good. We all have the equipment so let's go." We go to the mountain and start to snowboard and ski. The other crews mainly stayed on their ships, the Captains coming to the cabin now and then. We all help the kids learn how to do it and Pepper and May keep Stark and Leta with them since they're too little to do it too.
After a while, I notice Loki going straight for a cliff while we're going down the slope and he doesn't seem to care. The kids see too and point it out, confirming I'm not hallucinating. "Loki! Watch what you're doing!" He goes flying off the cliff and I try to use the trees to catch him but can hear him yelling. "Krugarr! Portal! Loki! Now!" The scream goes from the cliff to the top where the others are before a soft thud and I lead the kids through another portal to the top, pissed off.
"Are you OK?" Petey asks and Loki nods as he sits up. I unstrap from my board and hold it in my hands, noticing the kids backing up while Loki stands.
"You stupid, selfish, obnoxious, arrogant, idiotic, big-headed, mother fucking, asshole," I yell as I hit him with my board and he shields himself with his arms until someone manages to take the board away. "You know that there's a damned cliff there! Fucking stupid asshole! Gods! What the Hell is wrong with you?"
"Maybe I wanted to see if I could die. Which doesn't seem to be much different than when I found you bleeding from cuts to your wrist in your Quarters, now does it?" I clench my jaw and swing to punch him in the face, only for my fist to get caught by Tony with his hand in the Iron Man suit. I growl and he quickly lets me go, backing up. "Oh, should we have talked instead of doing this? Like I have suggested we do. Numerous times. But you are too much of an arrogant, stubborn, idiotic, asshole yourself, aren't you?"
"When should we talk, Loki? Seeing as how we've had different shifts for a while now. I change my shift so we can talk and you're miraculously in another fucking shift. And you're the only Gods damned person who can change what fucking shift you have!"
"It is called being helpful to people struggling around you! Not that you would know because you are so caught up in yourself to notice anyone else suffering!"
"Hey! Don't talk about my Mom like that!"
"Or my Sister like that!"
"We'll kick your fucking ass!" Indri and the kids yell from my side and we ignore them for the time being.
"You do not understand the concept of scheduling time for anyone but yourself or the children in your family!"
"You're jealous of my kids and little brother? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm so Gods damned sorry that we haven't been able to go out on a date, talk, kiss, makeout, or have fucking sex for a while! I've been working with them to make sure they're able to defend themselves and know things!"
"Wait... Go out on a date? Are you two dating?" Indri asks and I had forgotten they were there, rubbing my face because this isn't how I wanted them to find out because I was worried.
"Are you trying to replace our Dad?" Jay asks softly and that makes my heart break.
"Yes, we're... Dating, I guess... And no, I'm not trying to replace your Dad..."
"They why not tell us sooner?" Jason asks and I rub the back of my neck slightly. "Well?"
"I don't know..."
"Did you try to kill yourself?" Gamora asks softly and I look at her to see her looking the most hurt.
"Yeah... I did..."
"Why?"
"I don't know, Gamora... A lot of reasons? For no reason? A bit of both?"
"You were just gonna leave us as orphans?"
"No... I... Maybe...? Gamora..."
"No... It's fine... Come on, guys..." She leads the kids away from me and they go without argument, except for Indri.
"Indri?"
"You were going to take away the only solid blood family I had left... After watching Mom and Dad get killed... And after protecting all of us with so much effort... You were just going to throw that away? Do we mean anything to you?"
"Of course you do..."
"They why would you be so selfish as to try to kill yourself?" He yells and I don't have an answer. "Of course you don't have an answer... You never do when it's about how you're doing, how you feel, why you're like this, or anything surrounding you... You seriously are selfish..." He walks away and I raise a hand to stop him before lowering it to my side, something starting to dawn on me as I turn to look at Loki, who looked like he felt shitty.
"Was this your plan? To out us dating to my kids and little brother by saying I tried to kill myself? Well, they know we're dating now! Here, how about everyone knows this too? I've been trying to kill myself since I was three! My first night in space, I nearly threw myself out into it! Keiko would have to hold my hand tightly to keep me from throwing myself into oncoming traffic most days! Do you have any fucking clue how loud my damned head is? I have voices saying so much bullshit that I can barely think! And when you found me that day, it was when the voices were drowning me! And you weren't around to help me through it! No one was! Because I can't have those types of issues as the Captain! I can't show feelings or emotions because people take them for weaknesses! I had one person that would help me through it! And he's dead! And the person who said they would help me through anything has been avoiding me!"
"Rogue-" Loki tries, seeing tears starting to fall, and I cut him off.
"I had been opening up to you more before I tried to kill myself! That's when you started to avoid me! So I'm so fucking sorry that my baggage was too much for you to handle! I'm so fucking sorry that the shit I've been dealing with in silence proved too great for you to help me through! I'm so fucking sorry for wanting the damned voices to shut up so that I could think that I tried to commit unlife! I am so fucking sorry that I can't protect or save anyone! I am so fucking sorry that the only thing I seem to be good for is fighting to the death in a disassociative state... I am so sorry... That... I thought I was worthy of anything... Or anyone... I'm sorry for the fact that... I loved anyone, ever... Because this is all I ever end up with... Pain... Sorrow... And tears..."
"Rogue..." Everyone was staring at us and it was silent.
"I'm sorry for having wasted your time on my ship while you could be anywhere else... So, feel free to do that... Because... I'm done... This is done... We're... Done," I say softly and walk away, feeling more tears come.
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"Loki... What was Plan A?" Michelle asks and he looks at her.
"Do not fuck up..."
"And what was Plan B?"
"Do not fuck up Plan A..."
"And what did you do?"
"I fucked up Plan A..."
"You fucked up Plan A!"
"I gave you one simple rule! Do not fuck up with her! Now, I have to kill you," Doc says simply and pulls out a knife.
"Wait, what? No! You do not have to kill me!"
"You made Rogue cry. Rogue does not cry easily. Doc does have to kill you. Because you fucked up," Mantis explains and Loki runs a hand through his hair.
"I realize that I fucked up! I did not mean to say that! It just... Came out."
"Quill would've killed you. Because he knows how difficult it is to make that kid cry. It took her being on his ship and thinking holograms were hallucinations to get her to cry over him and Gamora. It would take Blue's belt to get her to cry. She doesn't cry like that unless it's big, someone she cares about, or..." Rocket drifts off and they all look at him. "Oh, you son of a bitch!" Loki takes a step back, startled. "If she's the third thing and you've been making her feel like shit, everyone else is gonna have to get in line cuz I'm killing you first with Groot and Mantis! Doc, Tex, come with me! We've gotta find the kid!" He leads them into the woods where I went and everyone else is confused. "Mantis, you come too! Groot, make sure he doesn't leave and doesn't get killed until we get back!"
"I am Groot!" He watches Loki closely while Mantis follows the others and the ones that are left glare at Loki, making him feel like shit.
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I'm sitting against a tree to try to get myself calmed down and see Rocket, Mantis, Tex, and Doc coming over. "What do you want?"
"Rogue, when was the last time you had intercourse?" Mantis asks point-blank since she's been in Med and I look at her in shock, thinking.
"Um... I don't know... Like... Somewhere between two and four and a half lunar cycles ago? Give or take..." Doc and Tex start to check me over while Lumes comes in since she had followed too. She helps them and I just let them at this point, too confused and too upset to care. "What are you doing?"
"Checking you over," Lumes explains simply and I rest my head against the tree trunk, still in full snowboarding gear.
"When was the last time you had your menstrual cycle?" Mantis asks and I shrug slightly.
"I don't know... I've been busy... So I haven't noticed..." She nods slightly and waits.
The Docs stop after a bit and Lumes was smiling a bit while Doc and Tex looked conflicted. "You are five lunar cycles pregnant, Rogue. We won't know how many fetuses there are until we do an ultrasound." I nod a bit and rub my face, getting rid of the tears since I had managed to calm down. "We can do one as soon as we get back to the cabin." I nod again and notice Rocket and Mantis going back, getting to my feet quickly. My head swims and I grab the tree to stay stable while Tex catches my other arm, the other two looking at me, worried.
"Are you OK?" I take a couple of deep breaths and nod a bit.
"I'm fine... Got dizzy..."
"You need to make sure you eat and drink regularly, Rogue," Lumes says gently and I nod to show my understanding, heading back to the others.
Rocket, Mantis, and Groot were beating on Loki and I watch for a moment, not sure what else to do at first. "Get off of him."
"I am Groot," He argues and I let out a loud, wordless growl, making the three of them move quickly. Loki was in a lot of pain and I look him over, feeling kind of bad.
"Captain... I deeply apologize... It was never my intention to upset you the way I did... Or to bring that up..."
"Yet, here we are." He hangs his head slightly and I pinch the bridge of my nose slightly, still frustrated with everything before I notice the kids glaring at Loki. And me. "Alright... I hate talking about shit like this... But... We need to. Even if it feels like torture."
"Can I ask a question?" Yondu, or Yondy, asks and I nod a bit. "Why do you want to die?"
"It's not that simple, bud..."
"How? What makes it difficult? Just don't want to die," Gamora says harshly and I rub the back of my neck slightly, sighing softly because I lost all the progress I've made with her now.
"Do you grow just because you want to?"
"No, that'd be stupid and weird."
"Yeah. It's kind of like that. I can want to be alive with all of my being, but there's always going to be a small part of me that doesn't. That doesn't just go away overnight. I had made a lot of progress from the age of ten to about twenty-two... Then it got knocked down... I made more progress after that and it got knocked down when I got captured by the Kree... And... I can't just snap and be back to being OK like I did last time... Because last time wasn't that long... Seven annual cycles is a long time... Maybe not as long as other people who went through similar things..."
"Then why is it so difficult for you to get over seven annual cycles when the other people went through twenty?" She asks coldly and I glance at Yondu for a quick moment before looking back at her.
"Because we didn't go through the same things."
"You just said you went through similar things. What was different?"
"Gamora..."
"No! What the fuck was so different between what you went through for seven annual cycles and what someone else went through for twenty?"
"You are!" She falls silent and looked shocked while I take a deep breath to calm down. "Other people weren't forced to have children of someone they thought was dead."
"Do you wish you hadn't have had us?" Petey asks softly and I look at him.
"Petey, that's not what I said... Your Dad and I wanted kids... He wanted to be able to hold them... To care about them... To protect them... But, something always happened... No matter how careful I was... Until you guys... And... He never even got to see what you looked like... I'm glad I have you guys. I just wish he had gotten to meet you. And..." I pull out a holopad and look at it for a moment, licking my lips slightly.
"What's that?" I look at them and notice Yondu watching me carefully as I walk over to them, crouching.
"The Kree sent Jay, your Dad, a message... About you guys and how they were searching for his life source... So they could destroy it and kill him... And they suggested that he leave a message for you... This... This is that message... I should've given it to you guys sooner... It was selfish of me... I... I just wanted to not have to face reality..."
"Reality being what?"
"That he's gone... Forever... And he isn't coming back... Which is something that I need to accept... I'm sorry for not giving it to you sooner... You can hate me... Hit me, stab me, blast me, never talk to me again... And I'd deserve all of it... But I am sorry... For being selfish and keeping this from you... I just want you to know that..." I hold it out to Gamora and she takes it after a moment before I stand. The kids move closer together so they can watch it and I notice Indri walking away, following after a moment.
"Indri-" He spins around to look at me and I stop, looking back at him.
"Don't talk to me."
"OK... Let me know when you're ready to talk, then..."
"Never." I nod a bit and he starts to walk away again.
"Alright... Be careful..." He stops and turns to glare at me.
"Really? Sure, let's talk now. You want us to be careful but you don't have to be? You can just try to kill yourself and think everything will be fine afterward?"
"In-"
"I'm talking like you wanted. So, shut up and listen." I'm a little shocked but I nod slightly. "Do you think that you can try to take away someone I care about and that I'll immediately forgive you for it? If so, you're fucking insane! You never think about anyone but yourself! What if Stark or Leta had found you instead of Loki? Or one of the other young kids? Or any of them in general? That would've seriously fucked them up, Rogue! They would've been traumatized and have no blood family to take care of them! They would've been orphaned! Like us! What is wrong with you?"
I don't respond and barely look at him. "Typical," He scoffs and walks off. I watch him for a moment before sitting against a tree and Loki comes over.
"Rogue... I'm sorry... This is all my fault..."
"No... It isn't... It's both of ours... Mine for not talking to you when I needed help... Yours for avoiding me... Which is also my fault... So, it's mainly my fault... I'm sorry too, Loki."