Chapter 14
Steve puts down the letter which he read each line over and over anticipating the next line each time as if he was reading a thriller novel.
He scratches his head as if trying to bring back the memories of that night 2 years ago. Bucky was right Steve doesn't remember it. I mean yes Sam did have a few parties and Steve was more of a drinker back then so it was easy to mix and mash them together. He does remember something about one of them...or someone. Not a distinct face or even body just feelings behind him, like a sense of peace. Matter of fact he remembers thinking it was a dream.
He thought he was a dream because he-
Dreamt about him....every night after the party.
It's like Bucky writing out the whole party almost word for word makes the memories come back to him. Not so much the before or even most of the party but the stranger, the dancing.
He can't resist anymore and he doesn't care if it's filled with crossouts or how straight to the point he is, he grabs a paper and starts writing.
Bucky!
The PARTY! The party!! You were there?? That was you??
You're right I don't ..or didn't remember much of anything from it. Matter of fact I couldn't place which party it was and had always (until now) thought it was a dream. A dream about this kind beautiful man talking to me when no one else wanted to. Matter of fact I thought it was so much a dream I never even asked Sam who this guy was ...though in all honesty I wouldn't have been able to describe you well either. I dreamt about you so much after just bits in pieces...you know how your dreams don't construct a fully formed person sometimes or jumble a bunch of characteristics together? This whole time I thought my dream just smashed some people together to create a person but really it was my memory trying to come out. You had long hair though...but that could be wrong, haven't had the dreams in years, so my memory of them could also be wrong. I remember deep blue eyes! But mostly I just remember the way you were....
I can't believe this!!
Why didn't you tell me? God I liked you so much...
We danced! But then I had to leave like Cinderella haha. God why didn't you let me know? We could've- I can't believe we met!! Maybe if I wasn't drunk we would've known each other.
WAIT I DIDN'T EVEN THINK of Sam!! You know Sam!! You were his friend that had that he talked about a lot. The secluded writer! It's all (KINDA) coming back to me ahaha. I've been meaning to get back in touch with him...matter of fact I have made an attempt but we keep playing phone tag. I get it though, we both have drastically different schedules and he's a busy man. Maybe I'll just shoot him a text telling him when to call me. I can't believe this!! And don't worry about not warning us about the Private Practice. I don't regret doing that at all and it taught me a lot … plus Sam wouldn't be where he was if we never did do it.
Sorry about Peggy. That must've been a little bit of a shock? We had a umm rocky??? relationship I guess you could say. Was good for a while after Sam and I started working together... fully fell apart when I got back to the ER gig. I dont' think it had much to do with work even though the correlation was there...I think work just made us realize we weren't meant for each other in a different way than playing the relationship out would've showed us... I guess. Still the broke up hurt, it was years of on and off and I guess I always used her as someone to fall back on. I didn't date when we were off either which if I did maybe would've helped us not get back together so many times...but the final blow...the final break up really did me in...as you may or may not remember from my first few letters. Matter of fact on the way to the Lake House, the first time to check my mail, it was Valentines Day and my angst self swore off anything remotely close to being romantic. I remember turning off the radio several times on the way here.
And if being single after years on Valentines wasn't bad enough I just needed a cherry on top with this accident that happened right when I got off work. Someone died.... couldn't save them which you'd think I'd be used to by now but I think it made it even more fucked up because I was out of work when it happened...in my regular old pedestrian clothes. It's like when you're in the ER you're more used to death or near death but then as soon as you leave those doors you forget all that and leave it inside so when it happens when you're not in the ER it's just...different I guess. Stuck with me a bit that day, and a few after. Still can't go past that road.
Steve names the road in case Bucky would recognize it and they could connect on the fact that so many crazy accidents happen there. It's the corner that always gets people.
But then again, Steve continues, it helped me make the final decision to come here so maybe if that hadn't happened I wouldn't have gotten your letter? Or maybe I would have but just on a different day? Who's to say? Maybe if someone else found it before me they would've been your secret pen pal from the future?
But with this recent revelation we met before maybe it was all fate? So no one would've gotten it or I would've made it there somehow some way?? Who knows?
God I still can't believe you were there, we actually met?? Heard each other?? Touched each other?? I wish so badly I could have that dream again and properly see your face. See I guess that's your revenge for me getting a photo of you and you getting nothing. Now I'd easily trade with you.
I want to ask why don't you get in touch with past me now that you've been (sort of )introduced but I'm not sure if that me would be good for you in all honestly :/
Steve gets sad thinking about how he was compared to how he is now.
Also! You don't want to mess with the future ! Of course!!
Yeah good job Steve lighten it up a bit.
I still can't believe this! I'll be riding this cloud for a while. I hope I wasn't an ass....Or a bad dancer.
Hope we bump into each other again. Future or past.
LOVE
Steve
Steve folds up the pages of his letter trifold, this time sticking it in an envelope he happened to have to ensure that they don't get away from each other. He really can't believe Bucky's letter. Not only where they in the same place at the same time but they actually interacted. And not only that but he was the dream Steve never could get over. And then to fully top it all off BUCKY KNEW SAM! THE SAME SAM HE KNOWS. How is it that both of their best friends are the same person. Sure Steve had other friends as well as the gang, and he hadn't been in touch with Sam for a few months, but still.
And perhaps it was the mention of Sam that reminded Steve he was "tag your it" on their phone chase or maybe he just can't resist calling Sam and asking him about Bucky (and why the hell did he never remind him of that night!!).
As soon as he sends the letter off in the mailbox he makes his way up the walkway to the house. When he gets inside he finds his phone and scrolls for Sam's name. He hits dial and waits as it starts ringing.
They've been at this chase for a while so when the ringing stops and he hears a "hello?" on the other line Steve forgets his words for a second.
"Hello?" Sam says again.
"Oh shit sorry umm.."
"Steve?"
"Yeah! Steve. It's Steve." Duh "Can't believe I got hold of you."
"Yeah...Sorry about that," Sam says lightly but genuinely.
"I was thinking about that party you had a few years ago..." Steve rushes out, he's not sure how to get to him knowing Bucky without explaining the whole situation.
He hears a small chuckle from Sam. "Gonna have to be more specific."
"Sorry. Party a few years ago. It was huge. Um God..." Steve continues to speak in almost gibberish, trying to remember details of the party he had forgotten. "Why didn't you tell me about him..." He says more quietly, blurting out the only thing from that night he technically remembers. For a second he thinks Sam didn't hear him.
"About who?" Sam questions.
"Bucky!" Steve says clearly, almost yelling, excitedly. Still not believing this night really happened between them. "Why didn't you tell me? You saw us together. I mean you must've-"
"I-"
"I mean you know him! You really-" Steve continues in rushed excitement.
"Yeah." Sam stops. "I did." He says. The sudden sad change in his tone doesn't get past Steve despite his initial excitement and did Sam say...
"Wait di-"
"And he had asked me not to, okay? I don't know why." Sam seems irritated now or hurt. "Is this what you've been calling me about?"
"What? No, no I just-"
"Look I got to go." Sam says quickly, interrupting Steve once more. He clears his throat. "Works busy..."
"Wait Sam?"
He hears the phone go silent but still calls out. "Sam?"
Steve stares at his phone, confused at what just happened. The day started so nice with Buckys letter and now Steve is just left confused. Did ? What does Sam mean by did? Did something happen between him and Bucky? Did they get in an argument? Go their separate ways? He can't imagine either of them doing so. Maybe Sam really was busy and was just annoyed Steve only called to talk about his friend? He really should've approached it differently but he was just so excited to have this confirmed. Then again he's not sure what he would've done if Sam was like "Yeah of course! Want his number?" Or something indicating to get in touch with the Bucky in his time. He would've had to decline and further confuse Sam. Steve shakes his head now regretting the call he was excited to make. And now Sam only thinks Steve was playing phone tag with him because of someone that may or may not still be his best friend.
One thing is for certain, he can't tell Bucky he asked Sam about him even though he really wants to know more.
That night Steve tries his hardest to remember the night of the party before he drifts off to bed. He remembers reading somewhere the thing we dream about is the last thing we think about or some bullshit so he hopes maybe if he thinks about that party last his dreams will come back and maybe if his dreams come back the memory will come along with it. The memory alone will help him get through their painful distance until one day they can be together.
But instead that night he dreams of that awful Valentines Day afternoon. The screaming, the accident, the innocent man who died in his arms who's face he still can't see. He was always unsure if it was his brain blocking out the truma or everything was so rushed that day he never got to identify the man. He supposes he’s grateful for that part.
He wakes up in his bed, staring at the ceiling, sweat surrounding his head on the pillow. So much for writing about the day in the letter, fucking thing made him dream about it. He watches the fan go around in circles hoping that will help him fall back to sleep. Instead it makes him more anxious and he gets up accepting defeat he won't sleep tonight. He turns on his lights and makes his way down the stairs. He turns on his outside lights and takes a step out despite it being the middle of the night. His body relaxes as the night air cools him down.
He looks across the way towards the mailbox and sees the flag is up.