Chapter 15
Steve,
You're right! As if we needed our situation to be even more surreal haha. Still can't believe you know Sam too. What a small, small world even in time travel. I'm honestly still in shock about it. I should've known you'd get back to me as soon as possible haha. We should start time stamping these letters. Yours was first thing I saw when I got home and I'm writing this late so I'm betting you'll get this by morning. If you're at the house that is. I know you said you were staying there again but I wasn't sure how often that meant.
Don't worry about how you were at the party! You were great. Nice, friendly, happy go lucky for most of it haha. I wouldn't quite say you were the "life of the party" but pretty close to it, which I'll be honest wasn't as much my impression from writing to you :p. The Steve I talked to towards the end of it was more reflective of the one I know. I'm also not much of a partier so I'm sure different energy comes out for that. But yeah you were great. You weren't embarrassing or messy or anything. Though I'm not so sure I wasn't embarrassing, being the quiet one in the corner hardly drinking.
And Peggy haha I was definitely shocked, though I shouldn't have been from seeing you. She seemed nice. She's pretty. The retro look really suits her. The first (and only) girl I went out with dressed like that too. She quickly realized she wasn't exactly my type ….possibly before I even did. In all honesty I met her at this swing dancing class my friend (back when I had those) insisted on taking me to. She even insisted on being called Dot...like she was in the 40's or something hahah. She was okay though...until I broke it off with her by coming out and she wanted me to be her "gay best friend". I don't even need to write in my eyes are rolling hard.
Steve laughs at the thought of this girl telling Bucky that and wonders what Bucky said to her back or did his reaction in his face give it off that that was not what he was about?
And yes I guess I am Sam's "trouble" friend he's probably mentioned hahaha. He's great though. I really don't think I deserve him...most times.
I'll be honest some of the reason you might not remember is because I told Sam not to remind you. I knew you needed to go further with your life to be where you are now also what you said about screwing up the future. And of course I couldn't tell you about our situation. You wouldn't have believed me anyways. You know that's true. You would've said I was drunk, or high, (or worse) and you wouldn't have talked to me after.
Steve wants to argue but that's probably true. He barely wanted to believe it when it was happening to him.
But anyways if you do end up getting in touch with Sam after you're done missing each other I give him full permission to tell you about me haha
Meeting again actually does give me an idea. Will put details in the next letter.
Love,
Bucky
Steve is saddened by the last part of the letter, not the idea Bucky has but Sam. He can't say anything to Bucky because then he'll know something happens with them but he also wants to stop it from happening because he knows how much Sam means to Bucky and he'd be destroyed at losing his friendship. Then again maybe it was Bucky being stubborn or something that Steve couldn't exactly warn about because Sam didn't tell him. He wants to call Sam back and apologize. Let him know he truly did just want to catch up he was just caught in the moment of finding out about the party and his intentions didn't come out right but he looks at his watch and sees that it's 3 in the morning so maybe don't try calling Sam right now. Even when the morning comes he doesn't, electing at that point to give his friend space.
He pens another letter to Bucky. Laughing about his date Dot and asking how he reacted. He lets Bucky know he's probably right about how he'd react to him telling his past self about their situation. He carries on with other things to move the conversation. He asks how going back to work has been and how he's been adjusting. He doesn't tell him about Sam.
He texts San a few days later, his calls going to voicemail again but not wanting to initiate another game of phone tag.
Sorry about the other night. I really did just want to catch up.
He wants to let him know he won't ask about Bucky again or something to that degree but he's not sure why Sam had reacted the way he did so he figured putting Bucky's name out there again wasn't best.
Please let me know when we can?
He sends as a second text instead.
He still can't help but wonder what exactly happened with his friendship with Bucky.
3 Weeks ago, 2010
Bucky opens his eyes for the 10th time that day but this time to the sound of pounding on the front door. He ignores it, rolls over in bed, thinking it will go away but it persists and Jack's barking follows. He continues to ignore them, hears a small pause in the knocking before the noise of his phone vibrating on the nightstand starts. It almost shakes itself off the furniture but the charger being stuck in it helps keep it there, Bucky is honestly surprised he remembered to plug it in. The vibrating stops and he hears a ding from his phone indicating he has a voicemail. Damn inbox was probably almost full at this point. The vibrating starts again and Bucky manages to roll over this time to check who it was though he already knows.
He sees Sam's name displayed as well as a picture of both of them in case Bucky forgot how to read someday. His finger hovers over the red decline button but before he can make the decision it stops. He's a little surprised until he see's a notification pop on top of his screen of a text message. He sighs and unlocks his phone to check.
I'm out front. Let me in
Bucky sighs and is about to reply some excuse when another comes through.
We had a deal.
Bucky twitches his nose, feeling something for the first time all week... shame and guilt. Despite that he still can't get up. Luckily he always kept an extra key...
Key under plant by door. He texts back.
He's also lucky Jack isn't much of a guard dog, or maybe the thing was too concerned with Bucky's immobility because the dog still wont leave his side. Not with the knocking, not with the sound of plant pot being moved, and not with the sound of the front door unlocking.
He does, however, stand and emit a light growl as he hears footsteps going up the stairs to the bedroom that Bucky hasn't left. Bucky lets out an it's okay as he gives a light pet. Jack relaxes and as soon as he recognizes the smell he takes off running towards their now guest, crying in excitement.
"I know, buddy. I know. I'll get to you in a minute," Bucky hears Sam's soft voice greeting Jack. Jack walks back into the room with Sam following him.
Bucky doesn't say anything and he's not sure if it's because of how badly he was down or because of how guilty he felt for ignoring Sam's calls. He's also embarrassed because he knows the place is a mess, he doesn't like it that way and he tried his best to make it not that way but he couldn't. He should've known he was getting bad again when the dishes started piling up. Not only that but he hasn't changed his clothes in a day or so and he's not sure the last time he ran the shower. He didn't smell though because he didn't move from his spot and therefore didn't sweat.
He can't see where Sam went to as the position Bucky was laying in, on his stomach head turned to the side, gave him a big blind spot behind him. But then he feels the bed dip and knows exactly where Sam is.
"Hey," Sam says softly, touching Bucky's leg closest to him.
"M' sorry..." Bucky lets out, barely above a slight mumble.
"What have I always said?"
"Tell you when..." He doesn't finish his sentence.
"I'm not here to lecture, Buck. I always said don't apologize remember?"
Bucky shakes his head.
"And we had a deal..."
The deal was to always tell Sam when things started to get bad again even if it was a false alarm. The deal was to keep Sam in the loop no matter what. Let him help, not take away whatever Bucky was going through, that's not possible, but to ease it in some way. Sam hated seeing Bucky like this but he'd do anything to help Bucky out. But most of all their deal was for Bucky to never NEVER ignore Sam's calls or messages especially with their history and Sam's knack for worrying.
"You were too busy I thought..." And Bucky hates how hoarse he sounds.
"Thought you would fly under my radar?" Sam says lightly. "I'm never that busy."
"Sorry..." Bucky says again and Sam resists telling him not to.
"He have to go out?" Sam asks after a few minutes of silence, giving Jack a pet.
And it's the one thing Bucky can answer the rest being what will probably be a lot of "don't know's" because taking Jack out was the one thing Bucky could muster up to do, especially when the poor thing would start whining.
"Maybe to run around..." Bucky answers as he moves under the covers that envelop him. "Time is it?"
Sam looks at his watch. "2:30"
"Jesus..." Bucky moves the covers around him and grabs his phone again. "10."
"Hmm?"
"That's when he was out."
Sam nods as he watches Bucky try to get out of the bed, slowly.
"Should build a dog door or somthin'," Bucky says as he pulls his legs over the side of the bed.
"I'll get him," Sam stops Bucky. "Why don't I start the shower for you?"
Bucky gives a small chuckle or as close to one as he could muster up. "What, do I smell?"
"No, it'll feel good." It's true. It's one of the things that always made Bucky feel at least somewhat better. Maybe it was the hot water pouring down his tired body or the fact that he was doing something that was normal that it was like a gold star check he felt he accomplished something.
Sam waits for Buckys answer and Bucky nods in agreement that it will feel good. Sam takes that as confirmation that's what he wants and before Bucky could say anything to stop him Sam is in the shower turning on the hot water.
"Give that a minute," Sam says returning to the room finding Bucky halfway out of bed but his head in his hands.
"Thanks," He says, voice muffled from his head being covered.
"Always," Sam says, he smiles warmly but Bucky can't see it. "Don't let that get cold." He warns in a motherly tone before he pats his leg for Jack to follow him.
Bucky hears the front door close again and groans as he pushes himself up off the bed he grown so comfortable of being a part of. He gives his head one gentle smack out of frustration because he really had wanted Sam here from when he first felt the anxiety out of getting out of bed so why the fuck did his dumb brain tell him to avoid all of his messages. He's so grateful Sam is stubborn or maybe that he just understands Bucky more than he does himself.
He pulls himself off the bed fully and makes his way to the shower.
It really does feel amazing. He just stands in there and lets the water run down his body, relaxing his muscles, relaxing his mind.
So why is it as soon as the water runs cold and he turns the faucet off does he want nothing more than to crawl right back into bed. He's frustrated at that, frustrated at everything. He grabs the towel he just used to dry his hair to stifle his frustrated scream.
He breathes in and he's tired again. He hates that he's tired again. But he grabs the clothes on the counter he doesn't remember bringing in with him, Sam must've snuck them in there at some point. And they feel good, they smell clean...fresh and it's almost as if one minuscule chip of his depression's darkness was chiseled away. Just a little bit.
He walks out back out to the bedroom and finds Jack by the door. "Heyy Bud," Bucky says, kneeling down to pet his companion. Jack gives him a lick and then runs out past the bedroom door and to the stairs. When Bucky isn't right on his tail, Jack comes hurrying back to him. He lets out a small bark and runs back towards the stairs. Bucky sighs and follows. He takes the stairs one step at a time as he peers down and sees Sam in the kitchen stirring in a pot on the stove.
"I don't have any clean..." Bucky says, timidly. He looks over at the sink, dishes piled inside as well as on the sides of it.
"It's alright. Cleaned some real quick"
"Not really hungry."
"I know. But you gotta eat something," Sam stirs the pot some more then turns the dial on the stove off. He grabs a plate, one that he must've just cleaned and dried, and piles some food from the pot on there. Bucky sits on the stool by the counter knowing the dinning room table was too much of a mess to eat at. He didnt have the energy to clean it off even if it was mostly just papers.
"It's just buttered noodles," Sam says putting the plate in front of Bucky. "Nothing too crazy."
Bucky nods and accepts the meal though mostly picking around it.
"What about you?" He asks Sam.
"Grabbed something on the way. Eat." He points to Bucky's plate. "Doesn't have to be all of it as long as it's something."
Sam goes to the sink and starts scrubbing the dishes that have been in there for god knows how long.
"Sam you don't have to..."
"I know I don't." Sam knows in the past how stressed Bucky gets by mess and how much more upset he gets when he can't clean it. Hell he's even lied to himself and said if he just could get his place clean he wouldn't feel as bad. It once again is a tiny chip chiseled off even if guilt at Sam doing it replaces it. "Plus my place is so spotless I never really get to clean," Sam smiles in a playful manner and Bucky contorts his face to try not to do the same.
Bucky finishes half of his helping and Sam seems satisfied with that.
"Gonna take a little break," Sam says as Bucky starts to get up from his seat. "How about we put something on?"
Bucky knows what he's doing. He's trying to stop him from going back to the bed he's barely left but Bucky reluctantly agrees. He lays on the couch as Sam sits on the loveseat and watches as Sam silently flips through the titles on Netflix, almost hypnotizing him. Sam ends up choosing some random action flick and after about a half hour gets up and continues cleaning up. Bucky zones in and out throughout. The movie ends and Bucky grabs the remote to play whatever Netflix suggested next. Halfway through that one he feels Sam sit down by where his feet rested.
"Same movie?" He questions.
"Nah different one."
"Bucky..."
And Bucky knows what's going to be asked. He pauses the movie and decides to sit up.
"How's that therapist?"
Bucky sighs.
"Guessing she doesn't know," Sam says.
Bucky shakes his head. "It's hard talking to her. She reminds me of my dad...which is...weird."
Sam nods. "Maybe you need a new one?"
Buck nods in agreement.
"You know I can't do all that for you, right? Even though I want to."
Bucky nods again.
"I can find you some suggestions. People at work might know of some good ones?" Sam suggests.
"Yeah...okay," Bucky offers Sam a small smile.
Sam talks some more and after a bit Bucky offers for him to stay the night.
"Changed the guest room sheets a while ago but they are clean," He says.
Sam takes the offer. He had a shift at a clinic nearby the next day any way. Sam comes by after work everyday and leaves in the evening. Each night he brings something different for dinner, always one of Bucky's favorites. Each day when he gets in he asks how Bucky is and each day Bucky says good but with more truth to it as the days go by.
"Was thinking..." Sam starts one night as Bucky finishes his second helping of fettuccini alfredo.
"Hm?"
"Took most of the week off next week. Why don't I stay here? We can do outdoorsy shit. Go fishing? Grill? Heard there's some nice shops a few miles away?"
"What about the bar?" Bucky asks.
"It's all covered. I asked the guys. Plus what's a few more days?"
Bucky thinks.
"Unless you don't want me to stay?" Sam jokes.
"Of course I want you to stay." Bucky laughs. "Let me just call Alfie. Check on the place again."
"Of course." Sam smiles.
"And you're gonna have to teach me to fish," Bucky points at Sam as they both start laughing.
The week, as Bucky described in his letter to Steve, was exactly what he needed. It was so calm and relaxing almost exactly like a vacation and though he was sad to see Sam go he couldn't wait to write to Steve again.