We Will Find Our Way Through The Dark

Peter’s mood changed as quickly as the drop of a hat. 

One minute he could be happy and lovable and the next minute he was angry and violent and no one ever knew when or what set him off. 

It was hard for everyone, especially Peter. 

Only three days had passed since he got home and although the physical aspects of the drugs in his body were gone, the mental aspects weren’t going away anytime soon, or ever. 

Peter’s old therapist was going to come back into their lives. Both Tony and Pepper spoke to each other and Natasha about it and they all agreed that it would best benefit Peter for him to begin talking to her as soon as possible. 

Peter was currently playing legos in the living room while Morgan watched her cartoons on the tv. Harley was hiding in his bedroom like he had been doing the last few days. 

Tony wasn’t going to force him out of his bedroom since he was old enough to make his own decisions. 

He checked on his kids one last time before joining Pepper in the kitchen to help her make lunch. “Morgan’s going back to school on Wednesday so I think we should send Peter back soon. I think getting back in the routine of things will be good for him.” 

“Tony, he’s barely been back for three days. We need to let him get used to everything and not rush into things.” Pepper continued chopping up the carrots, putting more pressure into it now. 

“I understand that but this isn’t like the first time. We’re his family and he knows that, I think it’ll help to like, be with his friends in his old routine.” The first time they got Peter back, it was totally different so Tony felt that it was best to get Peter back into their old routine as soon as possible.

Pepper wasn’t sure about that. “I don’t know. Did you talk to him about any of this?” 

“No. I wouldn’t do that without you.” 

“I think we should have him meet with his therapist first and ask her if she thinks it’s a good idea.” Pepper put the knife down and reached over for the bowl. “Can you pass it?” 

In the living room, Peter was getting annoyed because his lego wasn’t fitting like he wanted it to. He grabbed it and threw it at Morgan but she didn’t react so he stood up and sat next to her. “What’re you watchin’?” 

“Beat Bugs.” Morgan answered. She used to watch it with her brother all the time so she knew he knew. 

Peter grabbed the blanket from her to cover himself with it but Morgan let him. When that didn’t get a reaction out of her, he took the remote from her and hit her with it on the head. 

“Owww!” Morgan sat up and rubbed the spot Peter just hit. “That hurt!” 

Peter shrugged. “I wanna watch my show.” He began flipping through the channels but Morgan was grabbing it back from him. “Hey! It’s my turn! You had it all day.” 

“No I didn’t.” Morgan ripped it out of Peter’s hands so he grabbed her arm and bit her, enough to draw blood and make Morgan start crying. 

Both parents ran into the living room to see what the problem was. Tony knew Peter did something bad since he was sitting on the couch with his arms crossed over his chest and Morgan was crying with a bump forming on her forehead and a bite mark on her arm. He sighed. 

“Peter bit me and-and hit my head with the remote!” Morgan cried out, pointing an offensive finger at Peter who remained still. 

Tony gently grabbed her arm to see. It wasn’t the first time Peter bit her or anyone for that matter and he had a feeling it wasn’t going to be the last time. “Let’s go get it cleaned up. You’ll be okay.” 

Tony didn’t make eye contact with Peter but he could see Peter sitting up on the couch on the corner of his eye as he walked away with Morgan. 

“Peter, that wasn’t very nice.” Pepper said, taking a seat next to him. “Why did you do that?” 

Peter sat up on his knees so he could look over the couch in the direction they went. He screamed through his teeth. “I hate her! I hate everyone.” 

“She’s your sister.” Pepper knew Peter didn’t mean it, he wasn’t himself although he hadn’t been himself for a long time and just when he began slowly starting to be himself again, he got kidnapped. 

Peter wanted to see where they went because he wanted to have his dad’s attention so he walked upstairs and into his parent’s bedroom then into their bathroom. He found Morgan sitting on the counter as their dad applied a bandage to her arm. 

“Are you here to apologize?” Tony asked, briefly looking at Peter in the doorway. 

“No.” Peter simply said then walked into the bathroom to smack Morgan again but Tony caught his arm. 

“Enough! Stop it. Do you need to go to your bedroom and calm down?” Tony pulled Peter in front of him and held him firmly. He didn’t know why Peter had become so violent all of the sudden. 

“Noo! I don’t!” Peter screamed but Tony wasn’t going to allow that so he helped Morgan get off the counter and then grabbed onto Peter’s hand to bring him into his bedroom but as soon as they began walking, Peter threw himself onto the ground. 

Tony didn’t know what to do. He felt like he was doing this all over again. All the way from the beginning. 

He sat on the sofa stool at the end of their bed and watched Peter. He knew Peter was doing it for attention since Peter kept looking at him then crying harder once he saw no reaction from him. 

The sad part was that Tony knew Peter could go all day and all night so he sat down next to him and rubbed at his back. Peter immediately shoved his thumb into his mouth and looked at Tony, making grabby hands with his free hand. 

Tony shook his head, knowing what Peter wanted. “No bottle. You don’t need it.” 

Peter cried harder. “But… but I need it. I’m crying!” 

“I’m not Steve. You can self soothe another way.” Steve really did a number on Peter, making him depend on bottles and thumb sucking for self soothing methods when Tony knew Peter could calm himself down without using either of those… not anymore though. 

They were back to the beginning. 

“Want to try our old ways?” He suggested but Peter shook his head. Tony continued on rubbing at his back and watched Peter suck on his thumb. Tony made the risky decision to pull his thumb out of his mouth. “Stop this. You don’t need to.” 

Peter smacked his hands away so he could return the finger in his mouth. 

Tony tried something else. “Remember how long you had braces for, baby? You don’t want them again.” Peter only shrugged. “Well… you were so happy when you finally broke the habit. Remember? We got a cake and celebrated and everything.” 

Peter took his thumb out to speak and wiped it on his dad's pants as he did so. “I didn’t even want to. I just… I just did for you and mom.” 

Tony knew that wasn’t the truth. “That’s not true. You told me you wanted to stop but you didn’t know how.” 

Peter shrugged then shook his head. He sat up on his knees and leaned over his dad’s lap. “I don’t want to stop now. I like it.” 

“I know you do. We will both work on you stopping when you’re ready to then. I won’t force you to do anything.” Tony wasn’t going to force Peter to stop the thumb sucking. He also would give in to the bottles if Peter screamed hard enough because it wasn’t his fault he needed them. 

He just hoped Peter needed them less and less. 

.

.

.

Peter woke up angry. He didn’t know why he was angry but he was. 

His dad had woken him up way too early so he was going to blame it on that for being angry. 

He walked downstairs after getting dressed so they could leave to drop Morgan off at school and then he had to go talk to his stupid therapist again and he didn’t want to. 

It was stupid. He was fine. Well, he knew he wasn’t fine but he would be in a few days. 

“Why do I have to go?” Peter asked his dad as he put his shoes on by himself, a slight smile appearing on his lips at the fact that he did it by himself. 

“Because it helps. You loved going to see her last time.” 

Peter rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t say love.” 

“I would. Let’s go before your sister climbs into the front seat and drives away.” Tony grabbed his phone off the table along with his sunglasses. He opened the door and was waiting for Peter to follow him but Peter didn’t move from his spot on the stairs. “Are you coming or are you going to spend the day on the stairs?” 

Peter leaned his head against the railing, his thumb prodding at his lips. “That’s not funny.” 

Tony squatted down in front of Peter to talk to him. “Do you wanna talk? I can tell mom to drop Morgan off at school and come back for us.” 

“No. I’ll go.” Peter said but still made no move to get up. His thoughts were racing all because of a dumb dream he had last night. He turned his head away from his dad and stuck his thumb in his mouth. 

Tony sighed, not because Peter was sucking his thumb but because Peter felt the need to hide it from him. “Peter, you don’t need to do that-” 

“I do! It helps me.” Peter argued, feeling even more angry. 

“No, I mean you don’t need to feel like you have to hide it from me. Your mom and I just want what’s best for you so we want you to talk to us about what you’re feeling and thinking rather than try and push it away with the thumb sucking.” 

Peter groaned, taking his thumb out of his mouth and wiping it on his pants. He stood up, almost knocking Tony over. “I don’t know what I’m thinking or-or feeling so let’s just go. Okay? I’ll see you in the car.” 

Tony watched Peter run out the door. He felt hopeless. It was like he was actually getting somewhere with Peter and then he was shutting him out. 

It would be harder this time around to get through to Peter since he was older and trying to be independent, even if it was simple things that other children his age did years before him, Peter was still trying and then he got kidnapped and now he didn’t know what he wanted or what he was trying to do. 

Tony wanted to fix it all. He wanted to take all of Peter’s pain away. 

But, he couldn’t. At least not by himself. 

He locked the door behind him and walked to the van, hopping in the driver's seat and turning around to make sure Peter was actually there. He briefly made eye contact with him and turned back around. 

The car ride to Morgan’s school was silent. 

The only time someone spoke was when they were saying bye to her. Peter only offered a tiny wave and went back to staring out the window. “When are we gonna be there?” 

Tony checked the time of arrival on the GPS. “About forty minutes. Are you nervous?” 

Peter avoided the question. “Forty minutes? That’s so long. Why couldn’t you have found a stupid shrink closer to home?” 

Both Tony and Pepper snapped their heads to look at each other. “Peter. Where did you learn that word?” Pepper asked him, turning her whole body in the seat. 

Peter could tell his mom was angry at him for saying that. He kinda liked that the biggest problem was him saying shrink and not the fact that he wanted to suck his thumb so badly he felt like he might die, or the fact that he had a really bad nightmare last night and didn’t know how to talk about it. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Who told you that word? Was it Harley?” Pepper asked him. Their oldest son always said things to Peter that he probably shouldn’t be saying, even though he always had Peter’s best interests at heart, he still messed up sometimes. 

Peter shrugged and looked away, effectively telling his parents it was Harley. 

They dropped the conversation and rode in silence until they arrived. 

It was the same building as last time. Peter couldn’t remember the last time he was at this place but being here again made him feel like such a failure and he was. He shouldn’t be moving backwards in his recovery. 

He was all the way back at the starting line and he hated that so much. 

Tony opened the side of his door and leaned against the van. “You ready?” 

Peter looked away. He wanted so many things in this moment that weren't normal so he knew he had to go in but he didn’t want to. He was so angry but all he could do was cry. 

“Oh, buddy.” Tony immediately accepted Peter into his arms when Peter turned to face him, needing his comfort. He rubbed at his back and just held him, having been in this position many times before. “We’ll go in when you’re ready. We can wait as long as you want.” 

After a few minutes, Peter pulled away and went to wipe his eyes but he realized his thumb was in his mouth again. He hadn’t done it so much in a long time and it was frustrating him. He wanted to stop but at the same time he didn’t want to ever stop. 

“Can-can you and mom stay with me? I don’t want to be without you.” Peter knew his therapist, it was the same one he went to before but he hadn’t seen her in years and was scared. 

“Of course.” Tony agreed, he felt better being in the room with Peter but he would never force himself in with him, knowing Peter needed that space to admit things and talk about things he didn’t feel comfortable doing in front of his parents or simply because he didn’t want them to know certain things. Tony understood that and respected it. 

The three of them walked into the building and headed up to the third floor. It brought back so many memories for Peter. Good and bad. 

He either came out of a session with tears pouring down his face, unable to stop crying or he came out with a huge smile on his face, feeling like he could take on the world. Other days, he just felt the same. He expected all three things to happen this time around too. 

Once they walked into her office, Peter grabbed onto his dad’s hand, suddenly feeling like a little kid again and wanting to be carried. He settled for shoving his face into his body. 

He was aware of his dad and mom talking to someone and then he heard her voice. 

It was his therapist, Karen. 

His parents talked with her then she was talking to him, Peter peeked an eye out, offering a tiny wave. 

They were pulled into her office and sat down with Peter supposed to sit between his parents but he didn’t want to leave the safety of his dad’s side just yet so he sat on his knee and buried his face into his shoulder.  

Tony shifted Peter so he was more comfortable, knowing no one would benefit if he tried to pry Peter off of him. 

Both Tony and Pepper chatted with Karen for a few minutes, waiting for Peter to open up and become more comfortable with her. 

Peter eventually lifted his head up and shifted so that he was standing between his dad’s legs and leaning against him. He looked at Karen. 

She looked the same as he remembered her only this time she had more grey hairs and more wrinkles on her face. She also looked fatter, he knew he wasn’t allowed to point that out so he didn’t say anything. 

“Hi Peter. You’re looking so handsome.” Karen gave him one of her warm smiles, he looked away. “What grade are you in now?” 

“Grade 9. I’m not in school right now. I don’t wanna go back.” 

Neither Tony or Pepper knew that. They never talked to Peter about school but they didn’t expect him not to want to go back although it wasn’t surprising. 

“Of course. After what happened to you I’m sure the thought of going back to school is scary.” Karen said and it made Peter feel a lot better. 

He always loved how no matter what he said, she never tried to change his mind or make him feel bad or guilty for it. His dad was good that way too, and his mom. 

He turned to fully face her but sat on his dad’s lap to get more comfortable. He played with his dad’s hand that was on his tummy. “I slept with my parents last night. And every night.” 

Karen nodded. “Because they make you feel safe?” Peter nodded. “It’s important that you feel safe, especially at nighttime’s. Are you still having nightmares?” 

Pepper updated Karen on everything that has been happening recently and not so recently. All the important information that she needed to know to help Peter. From the nightmares, bed wetting and insomnia before he was kidnapped to the thumb sucking returning and the bottles. 

The rest was up to Peter to tell her. Along with the things Tony and Pepper didn’t know. 

Peter laid his head back on his dad’s chest. “Yeah. Sometimes.” 

For the next hour, they talked about home life for the most part. Mainly happy things. It wasn’t a session to get into the deep stuff just yet, it was just to warm Peter back up to Karen to get him used to coming twice a week for the next however long it was going to take. 

By the time they were back in the car, Peter felt drained. 

His dad always used to say to him that these sessions were sometimes more tiring than running a marathon. Peter never believed him but it always knocked him out after. 

Not even five minutes into the drive, his thumb was in his mouth and he was barely able to keep his eyes open so he let sleep take over. 

When they got home, they exited the car as quietly as possible as to not to wake Peter up and then Tony opened up the back door. He could tell Peter was in a deep sleep and he never understood how Peter and Morgan could fall asleep in the most weirdest and uncomfortable positions possible.  

It would forever remain a mystery to him. 

Pepper walked around the car and patted Tony’s back. “Don’t wake him, just warning you. He needs the sleep and we need some peace for a few minutes.” 

Tony chuckled. They loved Peter beyond measure but they needed some space. Peter had been attached to their sides or fighting with Morgan at every hour of the day. 

He undid Peter’s seatbelt and carefully slid his hands behind his back and under his legs to pick him up and hold him against his chest. 

One thing he learned from earlier on was not to carry Peter bridal style when he’s sleeping because he will immediately wake up and want to know what’s going on. That’s why he carries Peter against his chest with one arm supporting his bum and Peter’s head on his shoulder. 

If Peter does wake up, he will just wrap his arms around his neck and go back to sleep. Also Tony gets a free hand when he carries Peter that way. 

Pepper opened the front door for them and they walked down just as Harley was walking down the stairs. 

“Are you seriously just waking up?” Tony asked quietly. 

Harley shrugged. “I went to bed late. I’m going out with my friends soon, just so you know.” 

“Yep.” Tony kicked his shoes off as Pepper took Peter’s off. “I’m gonna lay him down in our bed. I’ll be back.” 

When Tony got to his and Pepper’s bedroom, he shut the curtains and made sure it was dark before going over to the bed and laying Peter down but as soon as Peter was laid down, he woke up and tried to sit up so Tony pushed him back down and laid down next to him. 

Tony placed his hand on Peter’s chest, patting him back to sleep when he ended up falling asleep himself, joining Peter in unconsciousness.