We Will Find Our Way Through The Dark

Peter woke up first. 

He whined until he sat up and looked over, seeing his dad asleep next to him and relaxing now that he knew he wasn’t alone. 

He laid back down, cuddling up against his dad and forcing Tony’s arm to go over his body, protecting him but that woke Tony up, causing him to automatically pull Peter closer, holding him against his chest. 

Peter sighed. He didn’t want to leave the safety and warmth of his dad’s arms but he needed to pee and he was really hungry. “Hmm, I’m still tired.” 

Tony looked at Peter who was aggressively rubbing at his eyes. “Stop. You’re gonna hurt yourself.” 

“But I’m tired.” 

“You can go to bed early then. Do you wanna do that?” Tony reached over to grab Peter’s hands, pulling them away from his face. 

Peter shrugged and sat up. “I don’t care. I need to pee.” He kicked the blankets off him and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. 

Tony sighed. “Peter. Watch the door.” He called after him but didn’t hear a response. He rubbed at his own eyes, not as hard as Peter was doing it though. He was still tired as well but more drained kind of tired. A tired that would take weeks of constant sleeping to get rid of. 

He had to talk to Peter about a lot of stuff, both him and Pepper needed to and Tony had no idea if it was the right timing. Maybe it was too early or maybe they waited too long. Either way, they had to do it. 

After five minutes and still no sign of Peter leaving the bathroom, Tony got out of bed, his heart suddenly beating rapidly in his chest. He didn’t bother to knock on the door, too scared of what Peter was doing. 

Peter jumped from where he was standing by the bathroom counter with Tony’s electric razor in his hand. Tony immediately walked into the bathroom and snatched it out of Peter’s hands. “What are you doing?!” 

“N-nothing! I’m not doing anything!” Peter backed away from his dad. He really wasn’t doing anything, he just saw it sitting there and wanted to see how it worked. 

“Then why were you holding it? Huh?” Tony asked, shaking the razor in his hand. 

“I DON’T KNOW!” Peter screamed at the top of his lungs and it surprised Tony. Peter had never lashed out at him like that. 

He placed the razor on the bathroom counter and stepped towards Peter. “Okay. Okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m sorry.” 

Peter pushed him away when he tried to hug him but Peter had also never done that before so Tony was utterly shocked. 

Pepper and Harley ran into the bathroom, wondering what was happening. “What’s going on?” Pepper asked, pushing past Harley to stand in front of Peter who was silently crying now. “What’s wrong?” 

“We’re fine. Just give us a minute.” Tony said, eyes not leaving Peter’s eyes. 

Both of them left and when they did, Tony sat on the edge of the bathtub, not saying anything. 

After a few minutes, Peter spoke in a whisper. “I wasn’t going to do anything. I promise, dad. I was just looking at it. I’m sorry.” 

Tony knew that. He knew his kid, the sight just scared him. “I know. Come here,” He held out an arm and Peter was immediately at his side. “you’re mom and I need to tell you something. You wanna go for a walk?” 

Peter shrugged, going tense. 

“Let’s go. We’ll come back and we’ll watch a movie.” After what they had to tell him, Tony knew there would be no movie watching but he still said it, not really knowing why. 

He stood up, looking back at Peter and holding a hand out for him. Peter looked at it but didn’t take it. “I just… I wanna go back to the beginning.” 

Tony was so overpowered by emotions. He kneeled down in front of Peter and grabbed a hold of his hands, holding them on his lap. “One day, it’ll get better. It’ll get better and it’ll all just be a memory that’s a part of your past.” 

Peter didn’t think so. He felt different than he did the first time. Like he was somehow weaker and there was no way anyone could fix him. “I want everything to go away.” He whispered before letting out a sob he was trying so hard to keep in. 

Tony squeezed Peter’s hands then let one go to grab the back of Peter’s head, bringing it closer to himself and pressing a kiss against his forehead. “I know, but it’ll get better. I promise you. I promise you, Peter.”

Peter fell forward, sitting on his dad’s lap to be as close to him as possible, trying to calm down. 

After what felt like an entirety, Peter slid off his lap and wiped at his face. “I’m sorry. Let’s just… go for a walk.” 

Tony watched Peter stand up and leave the bathroom. He must have started talking to Pepper since he heard Peter mumbling something. Tony stood up, following Peter out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. 

Pepper was sitting on the bed, looking at Peter with such concern on her face. Tony felt bad. He didn’t know how to help Peter and was hurting Pepper by not letting her in. 

Peter stood by the door, smacking the wall with his knuckles. “Are we going?” 

“Yeah.” Tony turned to Pepper and she nodded. This was going to be hard. 

They got their shoes on and went outside to walk down the street. They had been walking in silence for the first ten minutes. No one knew what to say. Peter was walking in between the two of them, occasionally bumping into Tony on purpose. Tony didn’t say anything. He knew the little comfort was what Peter was looking for. 

“So, Peter,” Tony began. He had no idea how to tell Peter. “do you remember the night the police found you? A week ago?” 

Peter nodded, not saying anything. 

“Well, do you remember what happened?” Peter looked up at him so Tony continued. “Do you remember when Steve injected you with drugs?” 

Peter nodded again. “Yeah. Why?” 

“Well, after he injected you with drugs to put you to sleep, he also injected himself.” He paused to let Peter process it. “The dosage that he gave himself was a lot more than he gave you.” 

Peter didn’t understand. He stopped on a patch of grass next to the pathway they were walking down to look up at his dad. “What do you mean?” 

“When they took Steve to the hospital, shortly after his heart stopped beating and the doctors tried to get it back but they couldn’t. He died that day, baby.” 

Peter immediately started shaking his head. He didn’t understand. Steve was dead. Steve had died. He was dead. “No. No, you’re lying to me. You’re lying.” 

“We’re not lying to you, baby.” Pepper wiped at her tears, trying to tell Peter but he shook his head. 

“Yes you are. Stop lying!” Peter didn’t know why he was so upset. Steve was his kidnapper but he was also his dad for seven years and was the only person Peter loved for most of the life he could remember. He once loved Steve and a small part of him might always love him, even when he hates him. 

“Peter, we’re not lying to you. We would never lie to you. Look at me,” Tony kneeled down and grabbed onto Peter’s hands. “he’s gone, baby. Steve died.” 

Peter still didn’t want to believe it. “No. No! How? I don-I don’t understand. Why?” 

He fell onto the pathway and cried. He didn’t even know why, not too long ago he was wishing Steve was dead. 

Tony sat down next to Peter, completely blocking the path but grateful that there wasn’t anyone else there and they were walking in a private park with only trees, a stream of water and grass around. 

He rubbed Peter’s back. “He died because he overdosed on drugs. Do you know what that means?” 

Pepper sat down on Peter’s other side. Peter shook his head but answered. “He-he put too many drugs in him?” 

“Yeah, and it made its way into his heart and his heart couldn’t take it so it stopped beating.” 

At those words, Peter began crying even harder. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the clouds, violently crying but he didn’t know why. He brought his thumb up to his mouth, sucking on it a bit then pulling it out to talk, still crying. “I-I don’t know why I’m crying. I-I-I wanted him dead. I wished him dead and now he is! And I do-don’t know why I’m crying.” 

“That’s not your fault. He put you through a lot and those are all valid emotions but don’t blame yourself for his death. It’s not your fault.” Tony tried to drill the words into Peter’s mind. 

Peter stuck his thumb back in his mouth and cried harder. 

Pepper ran her fingers through his curls. “You are so brave, my baby boy. So brave and it’s going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” 

Peter shook his head. He knew nothing would ever be okay again. “I-I don’t want him dead now. I-I… I don’t know!” 

Tony knew this would be hard for Peter. Steve wasn’t just a kidnapper, he was Peter’s father for seven years, the man who Peter loved but most importantly, he was a brainwasher and a manipulator who managed to dig his way into Peter’s mind in just four days. 

“That’s okay. Just let yourself feel however you want to feel. It’ll be okay and we’re right here.” Tony continued to rub circles into Peter’s back. 

They must have stayed on the ground, in the middle of the sidewalk for almost an hour. Tony had no idea how no one walked past them but he was grateful for it. 

Peter’s crying stopped a while ago and moved onto sadly hiccuping, still trying to calm down. He was steadily sucking on his thumb and hadn’t stopped or made any move to stop for quite some time. 

Tony’s hand was rubbing Peter’s belly, waiting for him to be ready to go home. 

Peter started rubbing at his eyes so Tony looked to Pepper who spoke up, being the first one to break the silence in a while. “Are you ready to head home?” 

“Uh…” Peter sat up and looked around. “Uh huh.” 

Tony stood up, holding a hand out for Pepper while Peter remained on the ground and Tony had an idea what he wanted but he wanted Peter to say it. 

“I don’t want to walk.” 

Tony held out his arms. “You’re not as light as you once were.” He said even as he picked Peter up and held him in his arms, getting Peter comfortable to carry him all the way home. He was lucky they were only about fifteen minutes from their house. 

Peter tucked his thumb back into his mouth and buried his face in his dad’s neck, trying to take in as much comfort as possible while also trying to hide the fact that he was sucking his thumb in public. 

They arrived at home at the same time as Harley was pulling into the driveway from picking Morgan up from school. Morgan jumped out of the car with a huge smile on her face and spotted her brother so she ran towards them. 

As she got closer and Peter wasn’t looking up, she frowned. “Go inside, Morg, I’ll come talk to you in a bit.” 

When they got in the house, Tony kicked off his shoes and looked at Peter. “Hey, bud. Go wash your hands then you can continue sucking your thumb. I want you to wash your hands first.” 

Peter laid his head back down but quickly lifted it up and put his legs straight to be placed on the floor. He walked into the kitchen to wash his hands with Morgan following him. 

“Hi.” 

“Hey.” Peter looked at her. “Uh, how was school? Did you have recess?” 

Morgan hung from the counter, leaning her head back. “You always ask me if I had recess. Yes, I did. What did you do today?” 

Peter turned and walked away from her. “Don’t talk to me anymore.” 

“What?” Morgan stopped what she was doing and watched Peter walk away from her. “What did I do, Petey?” 

Tony caressed Morgan’s cheek. “He’s just tired and he didn’t have a very good day. What do you say you and me go play with your dollhouse?” 

“Who will stay with Petey?” Morgan asked because her dad was always with her brother when he was sad, or any time for that matter. 

“He’s gonna lie down with mom. Your mom needs some alone time with him now and I miss my girl.” Tony knew he’s been rejecting Morgan quite a bit recently but Morgan was easy about, that still didn’t mean he could push her aside. 

He wanted to spend some time with Morgan, she was growing up way too quickly but it was hard when mostly all of his attention went onto Peter. 

Upstairs, Peter walked into his parents bedroom and found Pepper folding clothes on the bed. She gave him a warm smile but he looked away to climb onto the bed instead. 

He missed spending one on one time with his mom so he assumed that’s why his dad wasn’t with him. He sighed. “Mom?” 

“Yeah?” Pepper stopped folding the clothes and put it on the floor for now. 

“Do you hate me?” 

“What?” Pepper was immediately at his side and rubbing his back. “No. No no no, baby. Why would you ask me that?” 

Peter shrugged. He didn’t really know why. “Just cause… I went away again and now I’m so much more work. Like before. Only it’s just different now.” 

“How do you feel it’s different?” She asked patiently, needing to get some stuff out of Peter. 

Peter shrugged again. “I don’t know. Like, before, when I was ten, I didn’t like you guys at first because I wanted him back and-and I didn’t like… love you guys or anything but I obviously do now and at the time like…” Peter groaned. He couldn’t say what he was trying to say. His thumb prodded at his lower lip. 

Pepper held his hand instead, wanting to encourage Peter to talk to her rather than get frustrated from his lack of words and turn to his thumb. “Keep on going. There’s no rush.” 

Peter thought about the words in his head. “Just… like… when I was ten, and… and then like, I was more worried about other things. Like more than one thing at the same time. Like about you and dad and my brother and sister and dog and so then when I realized I was happy here, everything else was already fixed. But now I know I’m happy here only I’m not happy because all the things that didn’t matter from before matter now.” 

Pepper was trying to place the pieces together. She wasn’t as good as Tony but he was still good at figuring out the unspoken words Peter tried to say. 

“That’s understandable. Before, you kinda had a distraction with other new things in your life but now it’s just one thing and it’s harder.” 

Peter nodded, his hand leaving Pepper’s but returning to his side. He turned onto his stomach and leaned against his arm, looking at his mom. “I wanna sleep with you and dad again tonight. I know-I know it’s bad and-and it’s starting bad habits but, I like feeling safe here. Can I?” 

“Of course, baby.” She laid down, copying his position. “It’s still early so I don’t want you falling asleep right now. What do you want to do? How are you feeling after our walk?” 

Peter chuckled then wiped at his eyes. “Like I want stupid milk and my stupid thumb but I’m trying really hard not to.”  

“It’s okay to want those things. I just want you to recognize why you want it so you can deal with it in other ways.” Pepper explained to Peter, feeling like she was actually getting through to him. Even just a little bit. 

“Yeah. It’s just hard.” Peter rolled onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. He wished it was easier. 

“I know it is but we’ll get through it together. You’re not alone in this, Peter.” Pepper rolled over herself but looked over at Peter. 

Peter was about to say something else but Tony walked into the room, Peter immediately sat up and held his arms out for the man. “Can you stay here with us?” 

Tony pulled Peter into his arms for a hug. “Yeah, Morgan ditched me for the Barbie movie. What’re you guys up to?” 

“Nothing. Just talking.” Peter answered as he pulled his dad onto the bed and tried to receive hugs from him by forcing his way into his arms. 

Tony raised his eyebrows at Pepper. “Oh yeah?” 

Peter threw his head back and whined when Tony didn’t move the way he wanted him to. 

“What? What?” Tony asked, looking at Peter and not knowing what was happening. 

“Put your arms around me. And I want my milk. Please?” Peter knew he just spoke to his mom about this but he wanted his dad to give it to him. 

“Not right now.” 

“Then tonight? Before bed?” Peter wasn’t really craving or felt like he wanted his bottle so he didn’t fully understand why he was asking for it. 

Tony scratched the back of his neck and looked to Pepper for help. “Let’s see how things go.” She said. 

Peter shoved his face further in his dad’s chest and hummed. “I was rude to Morgan.” 

“When?” Tony asked. He hadn’t even seen Peter and Morgan talk to each other today, he just saw them in passing in the kitchen. 

Peter shrugged. “Don’t remember. Can she come in here with us?” 

“If she wants to. I think she’s busy right now.” Tony laid down on the bed, getting more comfortable but he didn’t pull Peter closer to himself, wanting Peter to make that decision if he wanted it. 

“Can you ask her? Please.” Peter flopped down onto the bed. He wanted his family close to him all day, mainly because he was trying to forget the fact that Steve was dead. 

Tony grabbed his phone to send a message to Morgan’s iPad, telling her to come join them in bed if she wanted. 

She was up there within the minute, immediately climbing on it and going to sit next to Peter. “Hi.” 

Peter looked at her. “Hey.” 

He saw her moving to sit between their parents so he quickly crawled over to his dad’s side, blocking Morgan from sitting next to him. “This is my spot. You can sit there.” He pointed to the end of the bed so Morgan crossed her arms over her chest. 

“That’s not nice.” 

“I don’t want you sitting next to my mom and dad.” Peter sat up on his knees, digging daggers into her with his eyes. 

“They were my mom and dad first! You came after me!” Morgan yelled and went to get off the bed to run away. 

Tony and Pepper only had time to gasp as Peter was lunging at Morgan and pulling her hair then grabbing her arm and biting onto it. 

Morgan screamed out in pain and Tony was grabbing Peter and pulling him off but he was too late. He didn’t know who to be more upset with. “Enough! You two are being ridiculous so I think you both need some quiet time.” 

As always, timeout for Peter had to be with either him or Pepper, otherwise it was more of a form of torture or child neglect by how Peter reacted to it. Tony didn’t know the last time he sent his kids for timeout but it was necessary. 

He grabbed both of their arms and brought them down the hallway. He opened up Peter’s bedroom door and pushed him in, waiting for Pepper to stay with him then he was bringing Morgan into the bathroom to clean her bite mark. Again. 

“He always bites me and I didn’t do anything.” Morgan whimpered. 

Tony grabbed rubbing alcohol and a cotton ball. “You did do something. What you said to Peter was hurtful towards him. You know he’s sensitive on that topic.” 

Morgan shrugged. “So? He was blocking me from sitting next to you. He always does.” 

“Then ask him to move nicely and that it’s your turn. What you said was rude and I want you to think about that.” Tony put a bandage over the bite mark then led Morgan into her bedroom. “I’ll be back to talk to you once you’ve thought about what you did.” 

He leaned against the wall with a sigh, preparing to walk into Peter’s bedroom. He pushed the door open and saw Peter on the floor, throwing the clothes out of his drawer. He kneeled down and grabbed onto Peter’s face, forcing him to look at him. 

“Stop. Biting. Morgan.” He spoke in a low, intimidating voice. 

Peter whined and pulled his head away from his dad so Tony quickly stood up, yanking Peter to his feet. He sat on the bed and stood Peter firmly between his legs. “Stop with the biting. Enough. You bit Morgan three times in the span of like twenty four hours. No more.” 

“Let go.” Peter attempted to pull away from his dad but Tony was too strong so he resorted to throwing himself on the floor. 

Tony had zero patience for this so he picked Peter up and tossed him on the bed, pulling back the covers to put him to sleep. “Okay. Time for bed then. Good night.” 

As soon as Tony said that, Peter began crying. He was overwhelmed with emotions and was already having a really hard time expressing himself so he began crying. When he went to sit up, Tony pushed him back down so Peter screamed. 

Pepper grabbed Tony’s arm. “Stop. Tony, stop.” 

Tony let go of Peter and put his head in his hands. The only reason he ever cried was because of Peter. Good or bad. This time, it was bad. 

He didn’t know how to handle Peter or what to do. He couldn’t treat him like a normal kid because he wasn’t. He was far from normal. 

Tony was pretty sure everyone in the room was crying although Peter was crying loud enough for everyone in the house. Tony listened to his baby’s cries get louder and more distressed so he grabbed underneath his arms and pulled him up, onto his lap. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby. I know you’re feeling a lot of emotions right now and I shouldn’t have done that.” Tony was acting out like Peter. Using aggression instead of words. “Let’s start again, okay? Let’s calm down and use our words this time.” 

Peter moved his legs so he could sit on his dad’s thighs and stuck his thumb in his mouth. He was ready for bed. The rubbing on his back from his dad was bringing him some comfort but he felt like he wanted to scream. 

He wanted to scream as loud as he could for as long as he could. 

His head felt like someone had cut the top off, took his brain out and put it in a blender then poured it back into his skull, leaving him feeling overwhelmed like he’s never felt before and like he wants to scream. 

He was feeling a mixture of bipolar emotions. Part of him wanted Steve to still be alive so one day, when he’s older and brave enough, to pay him a visit and telling the man how much he hated him for ruining his life. But the other part of him, a stronger part of him felt lost and alone without Steve alive. 

Peter had wished him dead almost everyday for the past four years and now that he was dead, a part of him wished he wasn’t. 

He didn’t know how to express his emotions because he didn’t really know what he was feeling, so he sucked on his thumb and wrapped his arms around his dad’s neck, preparing to spend the rest of the night in his arms. 

Peter tried to shut his eyes to fall asleep but Tony was standing up and going to lay him down. Peter wasn’t okay with that. He clung on tighter and whined out. “Why can’t I stay with you?” 

“You can but you have to lie down. I’ll lie down next to you.” Tony said, trying again to get Peter off of him. “Just… let go for a second so I can lie next to you.” 

Peter let go just so he could crawl to the other side of the bed, away from his parents. “Can I have milk please?” 

Tony laid down with a sigh. “We don’t have anymore left.” He lied, feeling guilty about it right after. 

Peter pulled on a string from his pants. “Milk please?” 

Pepper was watching Peter carefully. She needed to talk to Tony about something. 

“You don’t need it. Come lie down-” 

Peter slid off the bed, trying to pull the blankets down with him but he couldn’t since his parents were currently sitting on them so he screamed through his teeth. 

Tony wasn’t going to listen to this all night. “Okay. Come, let’s go get it then bring it back up.” Peter eagerly stood up and waited for Tony to come with him downstairs. 

In the kitchen, Tony grabbed the bottle from the hotel from the top cabinet where they hid it in case Peter went looking for it. He made a mental reminder to hide it in a different place after tonight. 

He filled it with milk and went to walk upstairs but Peter tried to grab it from him. “Uh Uh. Not until we get upstairs.” 

“Okay.” Peter stopped, looking up at his dad briefly then walking next to him. 

In the bedroom, Pepper had gotten the room ready by pulling the blankets back and turning off all the lights. She had her tablet out and was doing something on it but Tony wasn’t focused on that. 

Peter crawled into bed and held his hands out for the bottle of milk and Tony reluctantly handed it to him, feeling like a failure as he did so. He could see how content and happy Peter was as he drank from it but he didn’t want Peter taking comfort from that. 

He got ready for bed and joined them, pulling Peter closer to himself. He tried to see what Pepper was reading but she had the screen turned which told him she was reading on this current habit Peter was on. 

Tony wanted to wake up and everything be better but logically, he knew things didn’t work that way.