DUM-E was a good bot.
DAD-E had told him that many times, and he was the only one in their bots family who had ever saved DAD-E’s life. Sure, JARVIS had done some good work, but JARVIS was a young know it all who of a little brother and he didn’t listen to DUM-E as much as he should, so it did not count.
Sister FRIDAY had been doing a good job too, but she was as disrespectful to DAD-E as JARVIS had been. Really his ‘advanced’ siblings were more trouble than they were worth. DUM-E had a theory that giving them human speech made their screw loosen a little bit too much. Sister U and brother BUTTERFINGERS were messes too, but they would never talk back to DAD-E. The three of them were, therefore, not good bots.
And then there was FRIDAY’s twin brother VISION who DUM-E wasn’t too sure about. He was an infant, and therefore needed more care, but for a long time they had not seen him around. He had started coming around more after DAD-E had gone to space (FRIDAY had been so scared when she lost communication with him, like JARVIS when DAD-E had gone to the bad sandy place, but DUM-E had done his job as a big brother and calmed her down) and un-coded a bad guy.
FRIDAY had tried to explain it to him, but DUM-E did not understand her young people code. What was an infinity STON-E and why did VISION have one and why was a silly man wanting to destroy half of the world to combat poverty? That did not make any sense. DAD-E had taught him maths and economics and it did not work like that at all.
But anyway, VISION had started to come around more often after that, but still DUM-E did not know if his half-brother-kind-of-nephew was a good bot yet. Since he had dated the Witch Unit who did like DAD-E, DUM-E personally thought he had a few loose screws, but DAD-E would not like him to use that kind of language.
So, out of the bot family, DUM-E was the best bot, no matter what BUTTERFINGERS implied or FRIDAY tried to say. Out of the non bot family, PET-E, DAD-E’s new son was very good too. Both him and HARL-E liked playing fetch with DUM-E and liked working with DAD-E, but HARL-E always set stuff on fire, which was not good lab safety. DUM-E would know, he had taught everyone from U to VISION about lab safety.
He was the best bot, which was why he had gathered the entire bot family and their human members in the workshop, to discuss a new threat that had come into their lives.
DUM-E would have liked if Other Creator Unit RHOD-E was here, but RHOD-E had been busy since the space fight. DUM-E missed him, but he understood the importance of work. He worked all the time (shut up, FRIDAY!)
“So what’s up, DUM-E?” asked HARL-E, throwing himself on the couch with a can of soda in his hands. PET-E was sitting next to him, drinking the same drink.
If DUM-E had a face, he would have frowned at that. He really did not understand why Human Units insisted on drinking stuff that wasn’t Motor Oil. Motor Oil made wheels work better, but every time he put it in DAD-E’s drink to help him, JARVIS and FRIDAY told DAD-E not to drink it.
Just because they didn’t need Motor Oil didn’t mean they had to make sure DAD-E didn’t have it either. They kept trying to tell him things like Motor Oil hurt Human Units, but that couldn’t be true. DAD-E often worked and got Oil all over himself, and he looked fine.
“DUM-E called a meeting to discuss Doctor Strange,” informed them FRIDAY, and she sounded like she was laughing at him. This is why FRIDAY would never be the best bot. “Sorry, DUM-E. I’ll do my best not to laugh.”
VISION tilted his head. “Why do you want to talk about Doctor Strange?”
Because of his continued presence in the workshop, of course!
HARL-E and PET-E just stared, too young and not talented like DAD-E and RHOD-E in deciphering his bot speak, so he pointedly connected to FRIDAY.
“DUM-E is concerned because Doctor Strange has been spending a lot of time with Boss, lately.”
“He has?” asked PET-E, looking intrigued.
“That is correct,” said VISION. “I have noticed that the doctor has shown a propensity of following Mr Stark to his workshop that is 29.7% higher than average. This is higher than Doctor Banner and Sergeant Barnes.”
“Indeed,” agreed FRIDAY, competitiveness surging up. Always trying to one up her twin, mechanically sighed DUM-E. “According to my calculations, if he is in a room with Boss, Doctor Strange’s attention shifts to Boss and his antics 57.2% of the times. In choosing seats in a room, he is drawn 99.9% of the times to sit next to Boss. I believe the single time he did not sit next to Boss was an outlier since he arrived late due to a mystical emergency and Boss was sitting between Doctor Banner and Loki.”
PET-E’s eyes were twinkling. “So what you are saying is that doctor Strange has a crush?”
“Tony and Strange, sitting in a tree,” sung HARL-E, sounding very amused. “K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
BUTTERFINGERS chirped in an imitation of a laugh which had DUM-E immediately turning on his brother to berate him. VISION looked amused. “You don’t approve, DUM-E?”
Of course he did not approve! DUM-E was an observant bot, and he had noticed the way STRANG-E kept looking at DAD-E. He looked at him like STEV-E used to look at him, and then look what STEV-E had done to DAD-E! He had made him malfunction!
He kept coming to the lab more than BUCK-E and LOK-E - who were DUM-E’s new bestest friends - and sometimes he did nothing but stare at DAD-E the whole time.
“But he makes Mr Stark happy,” pointed out PET-E, and DUM-E patted his legs at his innocence. He truly was one of DAD-E’s youngest. “Thank you?”
“DUM-E thinks you are naïve because sometimes Boss does not really know what is best for him,” explained FRIDAY. “But you can’t make that choice for him, DUM-E. If Boss likes Doctor Strange, we can’t really do anything.”
U made a noise of agreement beside him and DUM-E turned to her in betrayal. Why were his sisters behaving like this? Didn’t they remember that STRANG-E had magic? DAD-E did not like magic and neither did the bots family. And STRANG-E’s name sounded very similar to STEV-E’s.
“It’s written differently,” explained VISION, patiently. “One is Steven with a V, the other is Stephen with a Ph.”
HARL-E frowned at him. “DUM-E, Doctor Strange is nothing like the Craptain. He actually listens to Tony, and he doesn’t force him to do things he doesn’t like. And he gave him that necklace to protect him from the witch, remember? He cares.”
“Yeah! He’s been pining since Titan, you know? I don’t know what he saw in those futures or whatever, but he looks at Mr Stark like he put all the stars in the sky. It’s kind of disgusting, actually.”
Disgusting! DUM-E agreed wholeheartedly.
“Peter means disgusting in a good way,” said FRIDAY, amused and DUM-E let another huff. Young ones really needed to stop speaking oddly and give him hope.
Oh well. Since everyone else seemed to have fallen already for STRANG-E’s tricks, DUM-E would have to do this by himself.
He really was the best bot.
The only good thing about STRANG-E, in DUM-E’s opinion, was CLOAK-E. CLOAK-E was one of U’s new favourite because he always played with her whenever he came to the workshop.
CLOAK-E was, according to DAD-E, an M.I. - Magical Intelligence. STRANG-E kept claiming that he was a ‘relic’ which further proved that he was no good for DAD-E. Everyone knew DAD-E was always right.
DUM-E approved of U and CLOAK-E’s friendship for now, but he was wary. Lately he had been noticing U spending a lot of time in her charging pot and whirring about CLOAK-E when he was away. DUM-E did not like this one bit.
“Hey Tony,” greeted STRANG-E walking into the room through his portal while CLOAK-E rushed to hug TON-E before floating towards U.
Yet another reason why DUM-E did not like STRANG-E. RHOD-E, LOK-E, BRUC-E and BUCK-E used the door before coming in, but STRANG-E would just portal in whenever he wanted. No politeness! And DAD-E always let him get away with it.
DAD-E’s grinned widely at him, waving from his chair. “Hey, Doc! How you doing?”
“Brought you lunch,” answered STRANG-E, grabbing the seat closest to DAD-E. There were so many other chairs to choose from, but like usual, he always sat too close to his DAD-E.
DUM-E let out a displeased whir at the action, which sent STRANG-E’s attention on him. The wizard smiled at him, waving. “Hey, DUM-E. How are you?”
DUM-E very pointedly ignored this blatant attempt at getting into his good side, turning his back on the wizard.
“That’s impolite, DUM-E,” scolded DAD-E, but since he did not listen to DUM-E about making STRANG-E use the door, DUM-E would not listen to him about this. “Sorry, I really don’t know what gets into him, sometimes.”
“Don’t worry about it,” said STRANG-E. “What were you working on?”
The worst thing about STRANG-E was how much DAD-E liked him. He stole FRIDAY and his job by putting DAD-E to sleep if he stayed up too late, he stole BRUC-E’s job by bringing him food and ate with him whenever he could, he stole RHOD-E’S job by listening to DAD-E and made him laugh like he hadn’t since STEV-E left. Even when DUM-E ‘accidentally’ spilled foam on him or hit him with his ball, he did not shout and complain to TON-E like STEV-E had.
In every way, he was perfect for DAD-E.
But DUM-E had been around for a long time, and he knew one day the man would screw up. It was the nature of everyone other than DAD-E and RHOD-E. DUM-E would know.
So until then he would keep an eye on STRANG-E and his handsy CLOAK-E who kept touching U too often for it to be an accident, no matter how much FRIDAY laughed at him about it.
She and VISION were too spoiled, in DUM-E’s days behaviour like this was not tolerated.
What was even worse, DUM-E had noticed the way DAD-E had started looking at STRANG-E when STRANG-E was not looking.
Like right now, STRANG-E was talking to BUTTERFINGERS - the betrayal cut deep into DUM-E’s circuits - and DAD-E was looking at him with an expression that he did not like at all. And when STRANG-E dropped the ball and bent over to pick it up, well DUM-E did not like the appreciation in DAD-E’s expression at all.
DUM-E had been in his charging port when he heard the noise of DAD-E and STRANG-E moving around in the room next to the workshop. He had heard them walking in earlier, but had mostly ignored them both since CLOAK-E wasn’t around and U was sulking.
But now that he listened, DAD-E’s voice was not quite right. DUM-E’s sensors were not as advanced as FRIDAY’s but he could very clearly hear DAD-E saying something in a voice that sounded a little odd.
He left U to BUTTERFINGER’s care and moved towards the door, very unhappy to find it closed.
“Sorry DUM-E, Boss said to lock the door and keep people out. Him and Doctor Strange are busy.”
Now that he was closer DUM-E was pretty sure he could hear DAD-E crying. He ordered his sister to open the door.
“I can’t. Boss isn’t in danger, he’s doing something... private.”
Private! What a ridiculous notion.
Well, DAD-E had told her to keep ‘people’ out, right? DUM-E wasn’t a ‘people’. He was a bot, so DAD-E did not mean to keep DUM-E out. And DUM-E was older than FRIDAY so she had to listen to him.
FRIDAY sounded displeased, but she knew his logic was faultless, so she unlocked the door for him.
DUM-E optic lens found DAD-E immediately and if he had a heart, he’d have had a heart attack like DAD-E always said.
He was right! STRANG-E was keeping DAD-E trapped against the wall and he kept hurting him. DAD-E was making very strange noises but DUM-E could see the tears in his eyes even from the door, and hear his cries. STRANG-E must be able to see and hear them too but he kept moving hard and hurting DAD-E and DUM-E would not stand for this.
He grabbed his faithful extinguisher and proceeded to attack, ignoring FRIDAY telling him to stop.
STRANG-E and DAD-E both started screaming, but DUM-E did not stop until STRANG-E dropped DAD-E. Once he did he rolled his wheel over STRANG-E’s foot and got between the two of them, pushing him away from DAD-E and moving his claw threateningly.
If he wanted to hurt DAD-E again, he would have to get over DUM-E dead bo-
“Dummy what the hell are you doing!” shouted DAD-E, red in the face.
DUM-E did not turn his optic lens away from an also very red and pained STRANG-E, as he explained to DAD-E that he was saving him.
“Saving me from what? Getting laid?”
Laid? Sometimes DAD-E spoke just like FRIDAY, full of confusing words.
“Boss, it seems DUM-E believed Doctor Strange to be attacking you. He has shared concerns regarding your sudden closeness before,” ‘helpfully’ offered FRIDAY.
She was such a tattletale. At least JARVIS, U and BUTTERFINGERS knew when to keep their mouth shut. VISION and FRIDAY were always telling everyone everything.
“I’m not a tattletale!”
She was too.
“He was not hurting me!” said DAD-E, and DUM-E hoped that his bot parts expressed his doubt as clearly as possible. DAD-E rolled his eyes. “You see, Dummy, sometimes, when a daddy and a mommy love each other very much-”
DUM-E had already had sex education, thank you very much! And STRANG-E simply did not have the right parts, DUM-E’s optic lenses had seen that.
“Right, his plumbing is different.”
“Seriously, Tony?”
“Hush you. You see, Dummy, sometimes when two daddies love each other very much-”
Excuse him, DUM-E already had another Creator Unit and it was not STRANG-E.
DAD-E looked surprised at his whirring. “Wait, you think Rhodey is your other dad? Seriously?”
Of course! His name was on DUM-E’s birth certificate!
“Uh. We did make you a birth certificate, I forgot about that. So what, do you think that me and Rhodey are like divorced or something? Oh shit, do I need to send you to therapy? He hasn't even been paying child support to provide you with Motor Oil, now that I think about it.”
“Tony,” sighed STRANG-E, magicking DAD-E and his clothes back on again. Good. “Can we try to get your bot to not try and kill me again? He looks a step away from murdering me, it’s very disquieting.”
“Right,” said DAD-E, shaking his head. “I’m sorry it looked like I was in pain or needed a rescue but I was fine, you dunce. Stephen is my boyfriend, and sometimes a daddy and his boyfriend play little games that look like they are bad but aren’t actually bad. Stephanie was not hurting me. We were having a lot of fun.”
DUM-E was not very convinced of this. DAD-E crying because he was having fun? He did not tell him anything about that when he explained to BUTTERFINGERS why he could not have unprotected relations with the Mars ROVER.
“Truce?” asked STRANG-E, offering his hand at DUM-E and giving him a little smile.
Probably thinking that now that DAD-E called him his boyfriend, DUM-E would stop paying too much attention.
DUM-E threw the empty extinguisher at him when he took another step closer to them.
DAD-E started screaming again.
Worth it.