If anyone had ever asked Natasha what the worst moments of her life was, she wold have answered, in no uncertain words, her time in the Red Room. She had escaped that hell, rescued by Clint, SHIELD, and eventually the Avengers, and found herself a family that loved her and that she loved in turn. She never expected the modifications the Red Room had made to her, making her age slower, would become such a problem for her. Mostly because she expected to die in a fight some day, probably before anyone else, and that it wouldn’t become the new worst moments of her life.
But in the end, she learned that the worst moments of her life were actually the deaths of the other Avengers.
The first to go with Tony. It probably shouldn’t come as a surprise, that the first to become a hero would also be the first to go. Unsurprisingly it was in a fight. A fight he should not have even been in to begin with, given his age. Even in his fifties, married to Pepper with a daughter to love and care for, Tony was still determined to help save the world.
It was technology that saved him, many years ago in a cave in Afghanistan. And it was also technology that took his life.
She remembered the mission easily enough. Secret HYDRA agents, still roaming around like termites, causing troubles all over the world had gotten their hands on a powerful Asgardian-enhanced weapon that blew a hole clean through Tony’s suit. And his body. By the time Steve reached where Tony had fallen, it was already too late.
Thor had unleashed a burst of lightning that wiped out the electronics of an entire city. And leveled some buildings. Steve had collapsed to his knees beside his friend, unable to believe that Tony was gone. The coms did not survive Thor’s blast, but they all knew.
Natasha remembered staggering to the ground, heart broken, tears filling her eyes that she desperately tried to hold back as she struggled to think of a world, a team, a family, without Tony.
After Clint, Tony was the first she had met. It hadn’t exactly been the best of circumstances, and it had not been friends at first, given how she had entered his life, but things got better. They became friends. They became a family.
Pepper broke down. Morgan, only five, did not fully understand death. The team adopted them, making sure they were not alone, and Morgan was safe, and helping her grow up and learn so she would live a nice long life. It was the least she deserved.
When Natasha turned 52, she was told she had the cells and body of a 28 year old woman. Steve, they realized, was also aging at a rate slower than a normal human.
She was scared, a little bit. She didn’t want to outlive everyone that she loved. She wanted to die with them.
When Clint died, ten years later from cancer, her world shattered apart. She howled her grief, remembering a young man with a bow coming to her, a broken weapon, and giving her life. Bringing her home with him, introducing her to his family, teaching her how to live and love and be human. She remembered the jokes he told, always managing to make her laugh even if it was just because they were that bad.
She held onto Laura, trembling in shock as both women cried over the loss, and three kids grieved the loss of their father.
Two days later, she disappeared and went on a killing spree that lasted for two weeks, targeting criminals of all kinds. Steve found her in the end, dragging her back to the broken, fractured remains of the Avengers.
She was never the same after the death of Clint. Even if he hadn’t been on the team for awhile, having retired when he got sick, he was still her partner. Had always been her partner.
Rhodey retired. He deserved his break.
Bruce also fell back, his hair gray and his face wrinkled. The Hulk didn’t age, but Bruce did.
The team had changed. There were new people. Like Peter, known as Spider Man. And a few kids with different powers. She helped train them, but her heart longed for the old team she called family. She missed Tony’s rapid-fire nicknames, always managing to pull something out. His constant improvements to technology, and how excited he got over science. She missed his playboyish charm, and how he always knew what to say to make people laugh.
She missed Bruce’s quiet, reserved calm, making everyone avoid fighting or arguing. Well, maybe it was also fear of the Other Guy that caused that.
She missed Rhodey’s horrible stories, that were so bad people didn’t realize they were jokes or even cool. The man had actual war stories that were interesting, but he always picked the strangest ones to tell. She would even think he did it on purpose, if he didn’t look so disappointed when no one thought they were interesting.
Of course she could call them both any time she wanted to, or visit them. It just wasn’t the same.
And Clint. There was an empty hole in her chest where he had been, and just thinking about him sent pain stabbing through her. She couldn’t even look at a bow without breaking down into tears.
She didn’t want to outlive the rest. She really didn’t.
She was 62 (34) when Sam was caught up in an explosion and did not make it out. She choked out a cry on comms, unable to stop herself. Steve punched his way clean through a truck in wordless agony. Thor just barely avoided frying another electrical grid, but it was a close call.
She remembered going to Sam for help, when SHIELD fell. Stumbling on his doorstep with Steve, not knowing who to trust. And he had helped them both, without a second thought.
She spent most of her nights with Steve, unable to sleep as dreams – nightmares – of her dead family haunted her every time she closed her eyes.
Please come back. Come back to us, she thought with despair.
Bruce, at 92, passed away in his sleep. They were with him when he went, holding his hand as they struggled not to break down, knowing he needed their support for his final moments. When his heart stopped, he hulked out immediately. Hulk tore a hole in the side of the home, punching and roaring despite managing to completely avoid harming any of the team that was with him. It was just her, Steve, Wanda, Thor and Rhodey, now.
It wouldn’t be long before Rhodey went, too, her mind told her unhelpfully.
Hulk roared, a sound not of anger, but pure pain and grief. “Banner gone! Hulk empty!” He had screamed, shocking everyone with tears of green streaming down his face.
She couldn’t stop the breakdown after that.
Hulk disappeared. Occasionally he would appear, smashing evil villains and helping them out of tough spots, but he never stuck around. She would never have thought she would miss the Hulk as if he was one of her own team mates, like Tony and Steve and Clint. But she did.
Two years went by, and Rhodey passed. Tony’s best friend, the man with all the silly stories, gone just like that.
Natasha broke further, the hole in her chest more like a crevice.
Laura and Pepper would both pass away within months of each other. She wailed, screamed, and went on a mission in which she brutally cut her target to pieces with Clint’s old knives.
At nights she would wake up, whispers begging to die too still heavy on her lips.
She, Steve and Thor (occasionally, when he was around) would watch Wanda, Peter, Clint’s children and Morgan reach middle age, only themselves aging a few years. The thought of potentially watching Cooper or Lila or Nate die of old age made her retch painfully, vision whiting out. She couldn’t do it.
Thor talked to them one time that he visited, looking pained and tired. “I’m sorry. I have lived for thousands of years and seen many die. But I am of Asgard. That is normal, for us. It isn’t for you. You should not have to grieve those younger than yourselves. Or live on when everyone you know is gone,” he told them.
Wanda and Peter both died at the same time. A bombing, with no warning, where they were trying to help civilians injured in the prior gunfight. Peter’s spider senses had gone off, and Wanda had looked concerned, but she hadn’t known about the bomb, and didn’t have time to throw up a force field to protect everyone and herself.
She tried to take comfort in that they had both passed quickly, without pain.
It didn’t help.
She was cold and tired and dead inside, feeling as if this was it. There was nothing else for her. She actively considered taking a knife to her own heart, if it wasn’t for the knowledge that if there was an afterlife, Clint would kill her himself if she did it. And she couldn’t. She couldn’t leave Steve. She was all he had left now.
It didn’t stop her from nearly doing the deed when Hulk’s body was discovered at the bottom of the ocean. There were no injuries on the Hulk. No sign of him having been in a fight. It was as if he had jumped into the ocean and allowed himself to drown. Maybe he had. Maybe it was the only way for him to end his own suffering, and find peace. She didn’t blame him for it, if it was. She wished she could do the same.
After Morgan and Clint and Lara’s kids looked officially older than her and Steve, she found she couldn’t take it anymore. She threw herself into mission after mission, the most difficult ones she could find. She didn’t protect herself, didn’t care about dodging bullets or hits or fire. She just kept going, hoping like hell she would come out in a body bag, rather than on her own two feet or on a medical table, alive.
She wasn’t alone. Steve was doing the exact same thing.
One night, he turned to her, huddled up in the corner of the bed they shared. “Are you trying to kill yourself?” He asked in a tired whisper.
She looked him in the eye. “Are you?”
There was no need for either of them to answer, because both of them knew the truth.
The ghost of her team – her family – haunted her day and night. Sometimes she swore she heard Tony’s voice on her coms, or Clint’s jokes in the wind. She would see a flash of red, like Wanda’s powers. Or before she fell asleep, she would hear the Hulk’s roar. She remembered Rhodey’s old stories and would laugh and cry, over and over. Remembering all of them, and the things that used to be, she would sob until she was sick. And then cry some more.
She was 130 (44). Morgan, along with Clint’s children, were in nursing homes now. She was on a mission with Steve, fighting against a terrorist group who were determined to take down half the country. The group fought with excitement, determined to be the ones to take down the infamous Captain America and Black Widow – the last two original (human) Avengers.
Natasha destroyed all of their data. Steve took out the leader.
Then they both looked at each other, empty green eyes meeting empty blues. They stepped together, into the open hall. She didn’t feel pain as weapons fired on her. She was convinced she couldn’t feel it anymore, so overwhelmed by emotional pain for her brain to care about whatever had happened to her body. She crumpled to the ground, looking to the side as Steve fell next to her.
His eyes were already drifting shut, but he managed to smile sadly at her just before they closed. She looked up at the sky, not feeling pain or sadness this time. Only relief.
Lightning crackled in the sky.
A beam of light came down beside her. Thor, blue eyes soft and sad, looked at them both. And oh, guilt pierced her as she realized what they had done. He would be alone. He was all that was left now. They were leaving him behind, so that they could finally be able peace. She wanted to apologize to him, for leaving him, but found herself unable to speak.
Thor looked into her eyes and smiled softly.
“It’s is alright. I understand. I will be okay, Lady Natasha. This is how it is, for us,” the large god said, kneeling beside her as her vision began to blur, and her breathing began to slow. “Say hello to everyone for me. I will see you all one day, in Valhalla,” Thor said softly, tears tracking on his face.
She would do that for him. Her eyes drifted shut. When they opened again, she did exactly as he asked.