Why is my skin so tight? I need to breathe, please just let me breathe. he begges silently to nobody because when your perfect passing james potter nobody cares is you can or can't breathe or if you live or die, its all the same to them. the tape on his chest is pealing and he can feel every tug and every rip as he runs. he just needs to make it to the tower and he'll be free.
Barty will be so mad at james for this, why cant he just stay together for him? because james is a filthy excuse for a man thats why. james will never be a real man. no matter how much barty or sirius tell him that he's 'valid' he knows their lying. how could someone love a 'man' like him. he feels dirty, fake even. and with every passing step to the tower he starts to feel lighter.
he came out as trans in his second year of hogwarts and he met and started dating barty in his 6th, hes now a 7th year and cant imagine the life he'll live outside of hogwarts. he knows no one in the real world would ever exept him for what he is. a freak. no matter how much he loves barty nothing can keep him teatherd to his body. he hope his letter will sufice for the life they had planned after school but he cant do it anymore.
he told sirius and the others that hes going for a late night walk, he told him he loved them and that he hopes that they sleep fine. he knows that they'll care when he dies, well he hopes they care. but why should they? james is a selfish freak who will never be his mother and fathers daughter, or bear grandchilren for them to spoil rotten as they did james. he'll never be a loving wife that cooks food for the husband as their children run around. no he decided he wants to be a dirty trans man. a sinner.
and if he doesn't do this he will forever trapped in this body were there is still a bump in his chest no matter how tight his binder is even is he physically can't breathe or how much trans tape he wears. were his voice is a pich too high no matter the levels of testosterone in his veins. and the facial features that will always be round and soft and filled with femininity.
why was he born a woman? did god think it was some sick joke to laugh at knowing he will never be able to enter hevens gates because he wrong?
he hadn't realized he had made it to the tower until he was sitting in the railing, feet dangling in the air. the night sky is beautiful tonight he thinks. its almost as if the stars are saying goodbye to him, like their singing their special song in farewell.
and as he falls he feels the wind in his hair and a smile on his face for the first time in months. he feels free from the burdens and for a second regret on what he didn't do in life. but the hes meer feet from the ground he sees brown mousy hair that hes ran his hands through to many times to count and the same big brown eyes that used to look at him with love and affection are now wide and panicked and the same lips hes kissed what feels like millions of times ate now parted in a scream and the same body that he has fallen in love with and worshiped time and time again was now sprinting for james like his life depended on it. which is kind if funny since james' sort of did depend on it.
but even though barty tries his hardest, james landed with a sick thud and a crack. and as barty screamed for help cradling james' lifeless body, james has never felt more free. but, why was his skin still tight? and after what was supposed to be the most freeing decision hes made, why does he still feel broken? why does watching barty cry and kiss james from a different point of view hurt more then being trans ever has? if james had a chance he would crawl back into his body and kiss barty with all the passion he could feel. his sweet sweet boy is trying every healing spell he know how and its yet to work.
and what james didn't think about when his whole plan came to mind is how much barty was struggling too. or how he was one if the only things barty had teathering him to life. because with one sick humerless laugh barty leaned down and whispered into james' ear. "in another life, maybe?" with one determined raise if his wand he his temple he cast the spell. the spell that would doom him forever. he fell onto his back tear tracks still staining his cheeks. thats how minirva found the boys, james with a sick smile on his face with blood dripping down his face and on the rocks and barty wirh tears running down his face and his wand raised delicately to his temple. as she watched the two intertwined boys she could do nothing but cry.