all i had to do was hold him
6 months ago
“I’m almost done on the Quantum tunnel, Steve.”
He listened to Bruce call out from the other room to Steve, the two of them having been working on the journey for the last week. He had seen the suit, he had laughed at Steve in the suit, and he and Sam had taunted Steve about the suit. It was ugly.
“I’ll meet you out in the clearing in about ten minutes?”
He heard Steve talking before he entered the room, suit donned and all, and Bucky just laughed. Steve held the silver briefcase with the six stones inside, and he placed it on the coffee table in front of Bucky.
Steve sighed. “Will you stop?”
“It’s just the suit is ridiculous, Steve.” Bucky answered, suppressing a smile. “Takes me back to the days of the Star-Spangled Man with a Plan.”
Steve took a seat next to him, laughing to himself. He looked at Bucky, who shuffled forward on the seat next to him. “And you never let that go either.”
“The tights, Steve. The tights.” He spoke through laughter, watching as Steve only gave a half smile and was silent in his response.
Bucky looked at him intently, watching as he picked at the gloves he was wearing, the edges fraying. In his other hand, Bucky saw he clutched the compass.
He blinked. “What is it?”
Steve perked up quickly, looking toward Bucky with a shake of the head. He then smiled sheepishly. Bucky knew he was trying to force whatever was on his mind away. “Time travel is scary, Buck.”
“Yet you did it before.” He replied, placing his hands together in between his legs. Steve’s face was concentrated, and Bucky’s heart began to pound.
“You think I wanted to do it? I only did it to bring you back,” Steve answered, turning to look at him. He could see the fear behind Steve’s eyes, something he hadn’t seen in a while. “I had an imperative; I had a motive.”
“You had everyone else to bring back, Steve. The ratio of them to me is extortionate.” Bucky answered, to which Steve rolled his eyes.
“Stop it,” Steve said. “Stop thinking that you aren’t worth as much as everyone else.”
Bucky frowned. “Steve—”
“Buck, of course you were the main person I was fighting to bring back.” Steve answered. “As Cap, I’m a service to the entire world, but as Steve? All I care about is you.”
“I’m a 105 year old man with no place in this world, Steve, I am not worth as much as everyone else and we both know that.” Bucky smiled sadly. “You’ve never lied to me once in an entire century, Steve. Don’t start now. What’s going on?”
“I can’t come back here, Buck.” Steve’s words fell in a whisper, and although it was the last thing Bucky wanted to hear, he knew that was the only thing on his mind. Although he expected it, it turned his chest icy with despair.
Bucky swallowed. “I see.”
Steve frowned, almost in pain. “I can’t stay here. You know that.”
Bucky nodded. “But you could. We could have a life we’ve been fighting to get for ten years.”
Steve shook his head, and Bucky felt tears bubbling in his throat. “I’ll never be able to have a life here, not when I have so many people counting on me.”
“You don’t like the sound of retirement?” Bucky asked, forcing the joke out like bile in his throat. It made Steve laugh slightly, but he kept his eyes ahead of them. He couldn’t see the tears brewing in Bucky’s.
“Buck, we should’ve died in 43. 53 or 63, if we were lucky. If we were reckless.” Steve laughed. “And we were, we really were.”
“You mean you were,” Bucky replied, trying to smile even though it caused him pain. He forced himself to look at Steve. “I just followed your crazy ass around, so you didn’t get yourself killed, serum or not. And here you are now, alive. Some miracle that is, huh?”
Steve smiled, Bucky smiled back.
Bucky wanted to hold his hand, but he figured if he did, he wouldn’t let go. He wouldn’t let him walk out of the door for what could be the last time.
“Star Spangled Man.” Steve said quietly, Bucky’s eyes trained on him the entire time. “He was a miracle.”
“You still are, Steve.” Bucky whispered in response. “I think so, Sam thinks so, Tony thought so. He probably wouldn’t admit it, but he did.”
“And Peggy?” Steve asked. “Do you think she did?”
Bucky paused as Steve looked at him again. He forced his tears down and shook his head. “She didn’t need a miracle. She didn’t need Captain America, only Steve Rogers.”
Steve turned, “If there’s a chance, Buck, if there is some way I can—“
“Then you have to take it,” He replied, letting Steve place a hand on his forearm.
Steve’s mouth was agape at Bucky’s curt response, but he smiled briefly. Bucky felt his insides deteriorating at the sight. His tears finally surfaced
“You can come with me,” He said, to which Bucky smiled forcefully. “We can live and die together, just like we were meant to. In Brooklyn, in our world. Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, not Captain America and The Winter Soldier.”
Bucky shook his head, placing a hand on Steve’s. “We can’t.”
“We promised; we said we’d be there to the end of the line. And we can do that. Bruce has the technology, he has a suit.” Steve laughed, the idea of Bucky in the suit after everything he said. “He can take you there, with me. We can go together, Buck. The end of the line, you promised. We promised.”
Bucky sniffed and wiped the tears from his eyes as he saw Steve’s drip onto his suit. He took Steve’s other hand, prying it open and taking the compass. It flipped open, the picture of her face upon the two of them. “You made a promise to her, too, Steve.”
“I can’t be without you, Buck. I’ve lost you too many times before to do it again.” Steve shook his head, dropping it between his hands.
“I can’t, Steve.” Bucky replied, his own voice wobbling with tears. “I can’t go back. Even if it physically kills me to let you go, I can’t go back.”
Steve’s voice was quiet and hoarse, and his body shook as he cried. “I don’t want to leave you here.”
“But it’s not me who’s the great love of your life,” Bucky placed the compass back into his hands, placing his other on top of Steve’s knuckles. “Is it?”
“You can find that too, Buck. You can live the life you deserve. A life where you don’t... constantly lose, time after time.” Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, gripping tightly as he spoke to him. “You can find the great love of your life.”
He almost let it slip. He almost said it aloud, but bit his tongue instead. It wasn’t fair. He couldn’t ask Steve to stay just for him. Was it wrong to deny himself the one thing he’s only ever wanted?
Bucky had never gotten a moment to choose. Not a single moment to choose something for himself, to be selfish, to fight the voices in his mind and do something that would make him happy. Because he knew the person Steve had fought for all of those times would never be this selfish — even if it was for his own happiness.
“I was never destined for any of that stuff, Steve.” He lied. “I was destined to die when I fell off that train. There was no room for love inside the weapon that Hydra made me into. You know that.”
“That’s not true, Buck,” Steve answered. “You are not what they made you.”
Bucky nodded sadly. “I know. But I’m not James Buchanan Barnes anymore, either.”
Steve looked at him pitifully, the silence causing Bucky actual agony in his chest. Clearing his throat, he pulled the briefcase with the six stones inside and placed it in Steve’s lap. He smiled at Steve, that being the only thing suppressing his constant tears.
He spoke quietly. “Bruce is waiting for you. She is waiting for you. 8 o clock, on the dot. Don’t be late, you were the worst for that.”
Steve stood from the sofa along with Bucky, pulling him into a hug that felt suffocating. He placed his arms around Bucky’s now withered frame, squeezing tightly as he buried his face into his shoulder. Bucky held on tightly back, smiling at Bruce who stood in the doorway waiting. He sent him a nod, patting Steve on the back before pulling away. Bruce left, heading outside to the clearing.
“I can’t, Buck.” Steve whispered. “I can’t leave you behind.”
Bucky bit the inside of his cheek, feeling his heart swelling with anxiety. He shouldn’t say it, but he did. “So stay.”
Steve took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”
Bucky shook his head. “Come on, punk.”
“You’re a jerk,” Steve answered, feigning anger. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
Bucky pat his shoulder with a forced laugh. “You’re definitely taking all the stupid with you this time.”
Steve managed a smile, Bucky flashing him a grin. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
Bucky shrugged. “Someone’s gotta look out for Sam’s reckless ass. And someone’s gotta follow him around so he doesn’t get himself killed.”
“And you’ll do that,” Steve answered. “For Captain America, you’ll do that.”
“For you. I’ll do that for you.” Bucky answered.
Steve couldn’t smile. Bucky knew it was forced, and he avoided Steve’s eyes as he felt his tears threaten again. He took the shield that Steve was extending toward him. It felt wrong to hold, and he knew that it would look right in Sam’s arms. He was the only choice, the right one.
“Make sure he gets it.” Steve said. “I know you were never the biggest fan, but make sure he decides what he does with it.”
“Can’t disobey the captain’s orders now can I?” Bucky replied. “Although, it will be trying. Taking orders from Sam, even if he is the captain.”
“You’ll learn,” Steve answered, trying to remain stoic. “You always did have a sense for the jaws of death.”
Bucky laughed, feeling his chest ache as he did. “That’s cold.”
“I love you, Buck.” Steve whispered, wiping his cheeks of tears once again. “If you change your mind—”
“I won’t.” He shook his head. “I can’t.”
Bucky patted him on the shoulder once more before Steve began to walk out the room. As he walked away, he felt his legs begin to buckle. Heart pounding, his breath got caught in his throat as he was losing sight of Steve for the last time.
“Steve?” He called once more.
Steve turned at an alarming pace. The hope on his face crushed him. “Buck?”
“I did find the great love of my life,” Bucky choked.
As he spoke, the worries of selfishness fled his body, and he could breathe again. He deserved this. He deserved to at least tell him. Whether he stayed or not, Bucky would find peace knowing he’d done it. He deserved the freedom he would get once Steve knew.
He couldn’t let Steve leave for the final time without telling him he loved him, so he did.
“It’s you.” Bucky smiled gently as Steve’s hopefulness faded. “It’s always been you.”