acceptance
Bucky walked into Dr Raynor’s office with a bag in his hand.
She frowned at the blue gift bag that he placed in front of her and was hesitant to open it. Bucky took a seat opposite her with what looked like the faintest hint of a smile on his face.
“What’s this?” She asked.
Bucky shrugged. “Open it and see.”
Dr Raynor complied, pulling his small notebook from inside and investigating. When she opened to the pages he’d written on, she saw that all the names he’d listed were now crossed off. She looked up at him closing the book in her lap.
“You finished making amends?”
“Every last one of them.” Bucky answered. “Although, they’re not amends. I wasn’t the one who should be getting closure from making things right because all I was doing was avenging for myself. And God knows I’m not an Avenger, Doc.”
Dr Raynor laughed. “Have you been seeing another therapist behind my back?”
Bucky stifled a genuine laugh, and the shock that spread over Dr Raynor’s face was apparent.
“Not exactly,” Bucky answered. “I had a talk with Sam.”
She raised her brows. “Really?”
Bucky nodded. “Turns out he can be wise when he wants to.”
She smiled. “I’m really happy for you, Bucky.”
He frowned. “Happy for me?”
“You’ve walked into this office like a different person today,” Dr Raynor answered. “It’s really relieving to see that some of what we’ve been doing has sunk in.”
Bucky shifted in his chair. “As much as I hate to admit it, it is down to Sam.”
“And who told you to talk to Sam?” She asked.
He sighed reluctantly. “You did.”
“There we go.” Dr Raynor just laughed. “Tell me about it.”
“Which part?” Bucky asked. “Because it’s been a lot.”
“Start wherever you like.” She answered. “I notice you’re not wearing your gloves today.”
Bucky looked down at his hands and his anxiety spiked instantly. He took a breath, reminding himself that it was a good thing. She was pointing it out because it was a good thing. It was progress.
“I left without them.” He answered. “It was time.”
“I agree.” Dr Raynor replied. “What was the giveaway?”
Taking a breath, he gulped. “When I saved those senators from the Flag Smashers, for the first time ever, I felt like I was using my arm for something good. Yeah, I fought Thanos alongside the Avengers, but that was still killing, even if it was for the good of the planet. But this was different. I wasn’t doing anything to hurt anyone. I wasn’t using it to fight someone at that moment. And one of the senators thanked me for saving them.”
“It’s common courtesy to be thanked for saving someone, Bucky.” Dr Raynor stated.
Bucky shook his head. “But that was the first time its ever happened to me.”
Dr Raynor’s face fell. “I suppose your government pardon didn’t come with a direct thanks for defeating a mad Titan God.”
“And what did I do, really? It was all Tony and Steve and Dr Banner. I just killed a couple of Thanos’ team after being dead for five years.” He answered. “The government only pardoned me because they felt the moral obligation to do so. To them, I was still a criminal. Sam was, Wanda Maximoff was, Clint Barton was, Scott Lang was. They didn’t exactly pardon us with a glowing review. They thanked us without actually saying it.”
“I’m really sorry for that, Bucky.” Dr Raynor was forlorn. “I’d never thought of it that way before.”
“Why are you sorry? I don’t care. None of us really care; that’s not the point. The point is that we did something worth being remembered for. There’s only a portion of what I’ve ever done that I’m proud of and nobody ever knew me for it.” Bucky answered. “But stopping the Flag Smashers in a way that wasn’t completely violent is something I am proud of. And whether he knew it or not, that senator made me realise that with what he said.”
“When did you get so wise?” Dr Raynor asked.
Bucky barked a laugh. “It’s Sam, I told you. I stayed with him for too long.”
“You stayed with him?” She asked.
Bucky nodded. “He was fixing up his family’s boat in Louisiana. I offered to help and he accepted. Met his family, his Sister, and her boys. It was really nice, actually.”
Dr Raynor frowned. “And you're shocked about that?”
“I didn’t expect to feel so welcome there.” Bucky mumbled. “I always knew Sam’s family would be just as nice and welcoming as he is, don’t tell him I said he was nice and welcoming, but I was still apprehensive.”
“What were you apprehensive about?” She asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe that I didn’t know how to be around his family? All I know how to be is a fighter and a soldier, not a friend and helper. And I wasn’t a good friend to Sam, I know that and I’ll always regret it.” He answered. “But being there for a few days reminded me of the peace I had in Wakanda.”
“How did you sleep?” Dr Raynor asked.
“What?” Bucky laughed.
She rolled her eyes. “How did you sleep when you were there? Think about it.”
Bucky hesitated as he thought back to Louisiana. His sleeping pattern was blurry in his mind, but the only distinct thing he remembered was waking up to AJ and Cass playing with the shield. The memory tugged at his heart, and he felt his breath catch in his throat. Tears were suddenly welling in his eyes and he bit his lip. The reason she had asked became instantly clear.
“I slept well.” He answered, wiping a fallen tear from his cheek. “I slept on his Sister’s couch. For the whole night.”
Not on the floor, not in discomfort. Not with nightmares, but dreams.
Dr Raynor nodded. “Why do you think you slept well?”
Bucky shrugged. “Because being in Louisiana was the same as what it felt like being home.”
“Did you have any nightmares?” She asked.
“I dreamt about Steve.” He choked, the memory coming flooding back to him instantly.
Dr Raynor never spoke, only encouraged Bucky to continue as she listened.
“He was there, helping us fix the boat, too.” Bucky laughed, his tears falling freely. “We kept teasing Sam because he couldn’t lift anything heavy. I can’t remember what else we did, but I remember that it felt nice to be together the three of us again. It felt like I was whole again.”
“Were you disappointed when you woke up?”
“No.” He answered. “I felt the same.”
“Whole?”
He nodded.
“Why?”
“Because I knew I was safe and in a place where not even my mind could hurt me.” Bucky replied. “Especially if moments before, my mind took me to a place of peace with Steve and Sam.”
“How did you feel when you woke up and Steve wasn’t actually there?”
He frowned. “What do you mean? I was disappointed, of course.”
“Bucky, I only ask because of how cut up you were the last time you told me you dreamt of Steve. It affected you in a big way. I just want to know how it affected you this time. You said you were disappointed, but is that all?”
Bucky was hesitant. “I was disappointed but the dream didn’t make me sad, if that’s what you mean.”
“That’s exactly what I mean.” She replied. “This is good, Bucky, this is progress. You dreamt about Steve and it didn’t consume you with sadness and pain like it did before. You’re moving forward and no longer believe that you could never be whole again. Why do you think that is?”
Sam’s words rang in his mind again; it doesn’t matter what Steve thought. You gotta stop looking to other people to tell you who you are.
“Because I don’t need Steve to complete me.” Bucky answered. “He is a big part of my life and who I am. He always will be. Hell, I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for him. I will always owe my life to him. He will always be my soulmate. But it doesn’t matter what he might think of me now he’s gone. I can’t control that and I shouldn’t worry about trying to impress someone who isn’t here anymore. The only thing I can control is how I think of myself. That’s what’s important right now. I can’t look to other people to tell me who I am. I can’t let them piece me together when I am the one who chose to stay broken for so long after I was free. I choose who I am and I choose to be a good person, no matter the evil people try to pin on me. I always have and I always will. I don’t need Steve to lead the way for me anymore.”
Dr Raynor just stared contentedly.
He nodded. “Because as much as Steve made my life what it is after Hydra, it doesn’t stop now he’s gone. No matter what my mind might tell me, I am not the Winter Soldier anymore.”
“I’m glad you’re finally able to see that.” She answered, placing her hands on her lap.
Bucky let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. It felt as though he’d been holding it since Steve left. It was finally free. He was moving forward, but not leaving everything he had with Steve behind. He was just learning to carry it differently. Carry it in a way that didn’t tie him to depression and mourning. Carry it as something to remember fondly.
“You will mourn someone without it consuming you, Bucky.” Dr Raynor said. “You journey through grief in stages, and it seems to me that you are on the final stretch. You should be proud of that.”
He hesitated. “Will I forget him?”
She shook her head. “Did you forget him when you were taken by Hydra?”
“Not at first,” Bucky answered. “I fought it. It was the only thing I knew how to do. For so long, I thought he’d come for me. He came for me in Azzano, he refused to believe I was dead. When I fell off that train, I was convinced… For the longest time I thought he would come back to me. That thought alone got me through a lot of what Hydra did to me. But it only lasted so long.”
“You’re telling me that the mere thought of Steve and the bond you had kept you from succumbing to Hydra’s brainwashing for a number of years after they captured you?” Dr Raynor asked, almost in disbelief. “That’s quite a powerful thing, Bucky.”
“I loved him.” Bucky answered, voice wavering. “I think love is one of the most powerful things that can ever consume us.”
“That, and grief.” Dr Raynor replied, brows raised slightly. “You can move on from all-consuming grief, though, and over time, it won’t hurt as much. Love is so powerful it can stay with you even when you think it’s gone. It can infiltrate your bones in a dangerous way grief never will. The way love makes you feel is something you so desperately crave so you don’t ever will it away. Grief hurts and everyone wants to get rid of it just as quickly as it arrived. That’s how you know you won’t forget him.”
Bucky blinked away the tears in his eyes. “I don’t understand.”
Dr Raynor smiled softly. “You’ll stop grieving him and start remembering him, but you won’t ever stop loving him. Trying to accomplish that will kill you from the inside. You can love him until your dying breath, which I don’t doubt you will do. But the best way you can take care of yourself after this is to love yourself with all the passion and strength that he loved you.”
It was true. The thought of Steve rescuing him from Hydra for the second time was something that kept him going through the darkest days in Siberia. Day after day that he didn’t show up never let that thought falter. It wore him down to his very core. He was exhausted from fighting Hydra. They kept on and on, and he kept Steve at the forefront of his mind. Because he loved him. He didn’t want to believe that he gave up on him. And the only way he forgot Steve was when his body physically caved into Hydra’s demand and took over.
He never willingly gave Steve up. Never. Because he loved him.
And when he saw him again for that first time on the bridge, everything Hydra had put in his brain started failing because there was a different overwhelming chemical bringing his memories back. Putting Steve back at the forefront of his mind. Love. His love for Steve reignited James Buchanan Barnes’ memory and slowly but surely began taking his mind back from Hydra.
Because loving Steve saved him then. And loving himself would save him now.
“You think he loved me?” Bucky asked, his voice full of tears.
Dr Raynor frowned. “It would be lying if I said he didn’t.”
Bucky smiled.
“Steve taught you how to love. Sam taught you how to love yourself.” She stated. “But neither of them can do it for you. If you put them together, you will heal, Bucky. Loving yourself is the kindest thing you can do after punishing yourself for what you were forced to do for all of these years. You’ve proven that you are your own person with your own life. So go out there and take it.”
There was an ache in his chest as he realised this would be the last time he saw Dr Raynor. She looked at him in silence before she smiled and nodded. Standing from her chair, she headed out of the room briefly. When she returned, she handed Bucky a card.
As he looked at it, he spotted a name and number on it.
“What’s this?” He asked.
“A number for a prosthetist.” She answered. “When you call, give her my name. She will sort you out with an arm that isn’t metal.”
The card almost fell from his fingers as the shock sunk in. His mouth gaped, tears filling in his eyes once again. Bucky shook his head, eyes flitting between the card and Dr Raynor. “I can’t afford this, Doc.”
“Don’t worry about that.” She said. “It’s all taken care of.”
Bucky’s mouth gaped further. “Doc–”
“Take it.” Dr Raynor interrupted. “Your self love starts here.”
“Thank you for this. For all of it.” He answered, tears overflowing onto his cheeks. “Thank you for seeing me as human.”
When he left Dr Raynor’s office for the last time, Bucky’s smile wasn’t forced, and that was the best thing therapy had ever given him.