anger
“James?”
Bucky exhaled loudly. “It’s Bucky.”
Dr Raynor sighed. “Are you okay?”
He stayed silent. The room was cold and uninviting and it was making him feel itchy. Being arrested hadn’t even bothered him. It wasn’t exactly something he couldn’t handle. He’d handled worse. But sitting in the interrogation room only made him antsy. Part of him even wished Sam were still in the room with him.
“You know him?” Bucky asked, finally looking at her. “John Walker.”
Dr Raynor grimaced as he minced the words on his tongue. “He’s an old friend.”
“Then you can tell him I don’t want his bail money.” Bucky snapped.
“He was only trying to help, Bucky.” She answered.
“I don’t need help. Especially not from him.” Bucky shouted, feeling his tears rising in his throat. He bit on his tongue to keep them at bay. “I don’t know why he keeps showing up wherever I go anyway, like some kind of hero.”
“He’s Captain America–”
“No, he’s not!” Bucky slammed his hand on the table, the metal reverberating loudly in the room. “That shield is not his just because they gave it to him. Just because he puts on a costume and parades around with it does not mean he is Captain America. Captain America doesn’t use guns. Captain America doesn’t kill.”
Dr Raynor was silent as he sat back in his chair. He felt his hand shake, something that he never experienced with his metal arm. He buried it in his lap, avoiding her eyes as she stared at him. His tears threatened to spill over again, but he swallowed the lump in his throat.
“Bucky,” She coaxed. “Are you okay?”
“What do you even mean?” He asked. “I find out that the government gave away the shield like it was a prize to win, and then get micromanaged by a random guy they picked out of a hat. When I try to do something about it, Sam isn’t interested. I try to help him, which, boy is a task because that asshole doesn’t want to be helped. And then I get arrested for missing therapy. By some police officers who tried to arrest Sam because we were arguing in the street. What part of that makes you think I’m okay?”
Dr Raynor was silent in response. It satisfied Bucky to no extent.
“I would much rather just go now if it’s all the same to you.” He said. “Sorry I missed our appointment. Won’t happen again.”
“What were you and Sam arguing about?” She asked.
“Nothing that concerns anyone other than Sam and me.” Bucky snapped. He leaned forward in the chair, placing his hands on the table in front of him. “That’s the issue here, Doc. Not me.”
“I’m sorry that happened, Bucky. I really am.” Dr Raynor said. “And I know you have places to be, but you missed your appointment. I can’t let you leave until it’s done.”
“Jesus.” Bucky sighed and groaned all at once. “Sam is waiting for me.”
Dr Raynor cocked her brows. “From what I just saw? I wouldn’t hold your breath.”
He laughed. “That’s real nice. I thought you wanted me to make friends?”
“Do you want him to wait for you?” She asked.
Bucky paused. He didn’t really know what he wanted. All he and Sam had done was argue, and after their conversation with Isaiah Bradley, he was sure that Sam would never want to talk to him ever again. But now Bucky had taken a taste of not being alone, he didn’t really want to go back.
“No.” He lied. “He can do what he wants for all I care.”
Dr Raynor laughed. “Really? That’s the angle you’re going for?”
Bucky frowned. “Why do you just make fun of me?”
She shook her head. “I’m not making fun of you, Bucky. I’m just telling you how stupid it sounds when you lie.”
He stared at the table. Her notebook lay closed on the other side of the table and he counted all of the folded over edges that stuck out. It irritated him when she was right, which was most of the time. Her words kept ringing in his head. I may ask questions, but only to find answers that come from inside of you.
“Did you mean what you said to Sam about the shield?” She asked.
Looking up quickly, he frowned. “What?”
“Do you really think Steve got it wrong? That he shouldn’t have trusted Sam with the shield?”
Hearing it from her, it sounded incredulous. He knew that, and it hit him for the first time that he actually was angry. Of course Steve hadn’t got it wrong. The only person that shield belonged to now was Sam. In the realization, Bucky hoped that he had waited for him.
“No,” He answered. “Of course not.”
Dr Raynor opened her notebook. He sighed. “So why did you say it?”
“Because I was angry.” He replied. “Is that what you want to hear?”
“Yes.” She laughed. “But you can’t leave.”
Bucky groaned loudly, rubbing his eyes. “Why not?”
She leaned forward. “Because it would be irresponsible of me as a licensed therapist to let you leave when you are not okay.”
Her words hit him like a truck. He was so used to nobody caring about how he was and just tossing him back out into the world that he almost couldn’t compute it. It didn’t make any sense. The only person who cared about him was Steve. And he was gone.
“Despite what you may think, Bucky, I am not working against you. I’m not an enemy. Just because the court ordered you to meet with me, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care.” She answered softly. “Now, talk to me. Because I just want to help.”
After an agonizing silence, Bucky cleared his throat of tears. “All I can think about is if Steve was wrong about me.”
Dr Raynor frowned. “What would he be wrong about?”
“I don’t know,” Bucky answered, “Believing there was still good in me.”
“It’s not about anyone but yourself believing there is still good in you, Bucky.” She replied. “If you don’t believe that about yourself, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.”
“So I’m my own villain?” Bucky snapped. “I’m the only one who can change the narrative? Hydra are the ones who wrote the goddamn narrative, don’t you think they should be responsible for changing it back?”
She nodded. “I do. And it’s not fair that they will never pay for what they did to you. That’s why we have your list of amends.”
Bucky shook his head, thinking about Yori. “I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“Why not?” She asked.
“Because it’s too painful.” He answered. “There are people that I have hurt as the Winter Soldier that I don’t want to hurt as Bucky Barnes. Just saying “you’re part of my efforts to make amends” doesn’t do shit. It’s a slap in the face. If I have to rewrite my own narrative then shouldn’t I be doing it in a way that I want and a way that is actually going to work?”
“And what way would that be?” Dr Raynor asked. “Self-inflicted suffering and torture? If you really want to separate yourself from what Hydra did to you, then you have to realise that you are James Barnes, not the Winter Soldier. Actively choosing the same methods of violence against yourself to try and compensate for the guilt you have is not moving forward at all.”
“But it’s all I know.” Bucky whispered. “All I know is suffering. And pain. And pushing my guilt down by enduring even more of it. All of that stuff I did has only ever been met with more destruction. I don’t know how to teach myself anything else.”
“Which is why you need to stop and take a breath.” She stated, taking a breath herself. “You can’t rewrite your narrative with a head full of jumbled beliefs, Bucky. First, you have to understand who you are now, in the present. Who do you want to be now that you’re free? What practices do you want to adopt now that you have the freedom to do so? It is so important. And if you really believe that Steve was wrong about you, then you’re not going to get anywhere.”
Bucky nodded slightly. “Do you think Steve was wrong about me?”
Dr Raynor shook her head. “Do you think I’d be here if I did?”
Bucky shrugged. “It’s all just a paycheck at the end of the day.”
She tutted loudly. “Bucky, do you really think Steve would’ve done all that he did if he didn’t believe in you?”
Bucky’s stomach turned as he remembered Steve’s words on their flight to Siberia.
What you did all those years… it wasn't you. You didn't have a choice.
“No.” He answered, swallowing the bile in his throat. “But how am I supposed to keep convincing myself of that when he’s not here to tell me?”
“Practise.” She smiled. “With help and support from friends and allies.”
“I’m not befriending that Star Spangled Wannabe.” Bucky snapped.
Dr Raynor frowned. “John is a good man–”
“And you know what he said on TV? That Steve felt like a brother to him.” Bucky yelled, feeling his hand start to shake once again. “Do you understand how much that stung?”
She opened her mouth to speak but Bucky only carried on.
“He never knew Steve on a personal level. He knew Captain America. He’s using Steve’s legacy as a publicity stunt and it’s everything that Steve was against.” He spoke.
“He isn’t trying to take your place, Bucky.” She stated. “Nobody tries to undermine the bond that you had with Steve on purpose.”
“I never said that he was,” Bucky replied angrily. “The only place he’s trying to take is Steve’s, and it’s wrong. Steve only wanted one person to ever take his place.”
Frowning, Dr Raynor leaned forward in her chair. “Why has that comment upset you so much?”
“Because,” Bucky choked, shutting his eyes tightly. The tears could not surface. They couldn’t. “He was my family. The only family I had left. And nobody cares that I knew him.”
“That’s not true, Bucky.” Dr Raynor answered. “Have you ever even been into the Smithsonian?”
Bucky sniffed. “I hate that place.”
He remembered his one and only visit too well when all he wanted was to forget it. It swirled around his mind when he couldn’t sleep, the notebooks and the things he tried so hard to make himself remember in Bucharest. He didn’t want to be reminded of that time again.
“If you want my opinion–”
Bucky frowned. “Definitely not.”
She rolled her eyes. “–they thought they were doing what was right. The world is lost without Steve. They just wanted to make it right again. And if you think they did it to spite you, then I think you’re wrong. I think they have seen how much you have been through and simply wanted to leave you to rest. Don’t you think you deserve that?”
“No offense, Doc, but why should I care about the world being lost without Steve? The world has never done anything good for me, has it?” He asked, tears finally welling in his eyes.
Her face faltered. “Bucky–”
Bucky just sighed. “The only person that is truly lost without Steve is me. And they don’t care. It’s as simple as that.”