bargaining
“Is this allowed?”
Bucky sat uncomfortably back on the couch of Dr Raynor’s office. The walls were still ugly, but they carried a familiarity that he found a tiny bit of comfort in.
She frowned. “Of course it is.”
He shook his head. “Why’d you call me, Doc? You’re not getting paid. You’re free of my bullshit now.”
Dr Raynor cleared her throat. “That doesn’t matter to me.”
Bucky raised his brows. “And I do?”
She laughed. “Is that so hard to believe?”
“Yes.” He paused, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat. “Very thoughtful of you.”
Opening her notebook, she crossed her legs. “I didn’t appreciate how John dismissed the rest of our sessions. I talked to court and argued your case and they agreed to let us continue.”
Bucky grimaced. “Great.”
Dr Raynor shook her head. “This is a good thing, Bucky. As much as you might hate being here and talking about your feelings, you have to admit that it’s working. Don’t you feel any lighter after our last few sessions?”
Bucky chortled. “I’ve spent my entire life in one battle or another, Doc. I’ve killed people. It doesn’t rest easy on the conscience. You know that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel what you describe as “light”, do you?”
Dr Raynor pursed her lips, placing her pen down and clasping her hands together. “I probably could’ve phrased that better, you’re right.”
Bucky feigned shock. “Did you just say I’m right?”
Rolling her eyes, she hardened her stare. “Are you going to co-operate?”
He shrugged. “I just don’t get why you want to willingly carry on with these sessions. They don’t go anywhere. Especially after the shit show Sam and I caused for you. Really?”
Dr Raynor laughed now. “That was nothing.”
He felt his anger flare up. “What’s so funny?”
“Bucky,” She leaned forward in her chair. He always hated the way she did that, feeling as though she were about to talk to him like a child. “I have had patients throw things across the room. Patients who have threatened to kill me. Patients who have caused me physical harm because they cannot handle the things that are going on in their own heads. You and Wilson were nothing on that.”
Bucky frowned; eyes widened. “Jesus.”
Dr Raynor nodded. “Yeah. Now, how–”
“I would never do that, you know.” Bucky interrupted, feeling the lump in his throat again. “I would never physically hurt you.”
“I know.” She answered, not looking up from her notebook. “But I would understand if you did.”
“Why?” Bucky asked, staring at her. “Why would you just let it slide like that?”
Finally she looked at him. “Because I know it’s not you, it’s the misconceptions in your mind. You need to forgive yourself, Bucky. You never chose any of what you did. You were brainwashed. Yes, you did it, but it was because someone made you. I don’t know you that well, Bucky, but I know that the person who you are and the person who you were are two entirely different people, even if you are struggling to find the person who you are right now.”
Bucky swallowed. “How do you know that?”
“Because the Hydra trained killer wouldn’t have reassured me that he wasn’t going to hurt me.” Dr Raynor answered. “It may be hard for you to distinguish still, but the Bucky Barnes that you want to be is taking the reins back more and more every day. You just have to believe that for yourself.”
Bucky’s words shocked him when they came tumbling out of his mouth, but he made peace with it. “Thank you.”
Dr Raynor even smiled at him. “Anyway. How are things with Sam, now?”
Sighing, Bucky rolled his eyes. “As annoying as ever.”
She managed a laugh in response. “But you’re looking out for him?”
Bucky frowned. “Why would I do that?”
“Because you need each other.” She laughed. “Our session in the police station proved that right away.”
Bucky paused for as long as he could before she would snap at him. He took a breath, shifting on the couch. Her words echoed in his head and he felt his chest tighten. That’s your tell, did you know?
“Anything I say to you in here is private, right?” He asked wearily.
She nodded, “Unless it’s something that I believe will harm you or someone else, yes.”
Bucky groaned quietly. “I like not being lonely. Sam helps with that.”
Dr Raynor laughed loudly. “That’s what you want me to keep confidential? That you like being around Sam?”
“Yes, and if you tell him I will never hear the end of it.” Bucky snapped, feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment. “He’s annoying and he never shuts up and I am infuriated with him almost 100% of the time but–” He paused. “It’s better than being alone.”
“Do you want to try that again but in nicer terms?” Dr Raynor asked.
Bucky groaned. “No.”
“Bucky.” She snapped. “Sam is a good man. From what I can see, he looks out for you. He cares about you. Much like Steve, he believes that you deserve a normal life. The least you can do is pay him the respect he deserves in return.”
Sighing loudly, Bucky rubbed his hands on his legs. “I like spending time with Sam. He has my back and makes sure I’m okay when potentially triggering things crop up. I do the same for him. It’s a work partnership, nothing more than that.”
“And?” Dr Raynor asked.
“And what?” Bucky asked.
She gestured for him to continue. “There’s more, I know there is.”
“And” Bucky groaned, “Being with Sam reminds me of being with Steve.”
“Why does being with Sam remind you of being with Steve?” Dr Raynor asked.
Bucky shrugged. “I don’t know.”
She gave him a pointed look and he sighed.
“Sam’s a leader like Steve was. They’re similar. He is exactly the type of person that Steve would want to have the shield and take up his mantle, not someone like John Walker.” Bucky answered. “When Steve asked something of Sam, he just did it because he believed in Steve and what he believed in. And Steve believed in me, apparently. And when he’s not shouting and bullying me, it feels like Sam believes in me, too. I guess it’s nice to be around someone like that again.”
“You should tell him that,” Dr Raynor answered. “I’m sure he would like to hear it.”
Bucky shook his head. “He’d just hold it over me until the end of time and laugh at me for thinking he believed in me.”
She shook her head back. “I think you’d be surprised. It might change how you feel.”
“It wouldn’t change anything.” He replied. “Steve is still gone and we grieve separately. It’ll always be that way.”
“Can we talk about Steve?” She asked.
“I’d rather not.” He sniffed.
“Why?”
“Because all I was to Steve in the end was a disappointment.” Bucky snapped. “Otherwise, why would he have left? Why would he have left me somewhere that I don’t belong?”
Dr Raynor picked up her pen once again. “Bucky, it’s up to you whether you belong here or not. That has nothing to do with Steve.”
“Then maybe I don’t belong here.” He answered. “Sometimes, I think it would have been better if I hadn’t come out of that battle. Then I wouldn’t have had to face Steve leaving. I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this.”
Dr Raynor straightened her posture. “If you really mean that Bucky then you know I have to tell someone. I can’t say what’d they make you do in compliance with their safety regulations. It will be out of my hands.”
He almost laughed. “You think they’d try and keep me safe? I wouldn’t be surprised if the government weren’t secretly hoping I would fall off the face of the earth. One less problem to deal with, one less therapist to pay.”
“If that were true, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be in therapy; you wouldn’t be pardoned. They’d still be out there looking for you to lock you up in a prison or kill you. You would still be on the run.” She snapped. “Is that what you want?”
“Is that what I want?” He asked, tears in his eyes. “What I want is Steve back. Can you do that? Can you get me what I want, Doc?”
“You know I can’t,” She answered, her voice heavy with what Bucky thought were tears.
“So tell me then, why wasn’t I a good enough reason for him to stay?” Bucky answered. “When Hydra captured me in the forties, Steve damn near walked into their base to find me. He got me out safely. When I beat him to a pulp as the Winter Soldier, he didn’t fight back. He talked me down. He made me remember who I was, who he was to me. When Zemo forced me out of hiding and framed me for the murder of King T’Chaka and brought the Winter Soldier out again, Steve believed I didn’t do it. He fought for me. He fought 117 countries for me. He fought the Avengers for me. He fought Tony Stark for me. He went on the run because of me. We finally get to a point where we have a life we can enjoy without running and war and suffering, and he leaves. Am I wrong to doubt whether any of that meant anything at all?”
Dr Raynor swallowed. “Of course it meant something, Bucky.”
“Then why did he go?” He snapped. “Steve wanted his own life and I get that, but after all these years of us trying to find our way back to one another, was I wrong to think he would want to spend it with me?”
She shook her head. “Not at all.”
Bucky swore to himself that he wouldn’t cry in front of Dr Raynor. But he found himself near sobbing at this point. His hands were shaking and he bit his lip so hard he drew blood. Dr Raynor looked helpless sat across from him. Helpless, but not uncomfortable.
Forcing himself to look up at her, he sniffed. “Why didn’t I try harder to get him to stay?”
“It wasn’t your job, Bucky.” She answered. “You can’t beat yourself up about that.”
He laughed. “Beating myself up is the only thing I’m good at, Doc.”
Dr Raynor shook her head. “Don’t say that.”
“If he was never going to stay, why didn’t I go with him?” Bucky cursed, bouncing his leg. “He offered. Maybe it would’ve made sense. It could’ve worked. I could’ve been happy.”
She paused, closing her notebook. “I don’t think you would’ve been happy.”
“Why not? If Steve was, I could’ve been.” He snapped. “So why did I stay here?”
“Because you wouldn’t have been comfortable in the forties. You wouldn’t have been able to be yourself. You wouldn’t have been accepted.” She smiled sadly. “You know that.”
Bucky shook his head. “I don’t even know who I am, Doc.”
Dr Raynor just nodded. “I know. But I think you’re starting to get an idea, don’t you?”