Breathe
Bailey struggled to get out of bed this morning, she laid flat on her back and stared at her ceiling until the alarm she snoozed, and snoozed again, buzzed loud on her bedside. She had a slight headache from the night before, nothing a couple of tablets couldn't fix. Bailey showered, dressed, and ate some generously buttered toast in a daze before visiting her grandmother. She had another tough night, this time she was erratic and was causing herself and the staff harm resulting in her needing to be sedated. Bailey did as she had done previously and played her more memories whilst she slept before returning to work.
Last to arrive, the doctors gathered around the table with the window activated. There was no sign of Bucky, but plenty of evidence of the night before. Bailey wished everyone good morning.
"Good night last night?" Patsy asked.
"Yes, thank you, I'm much more used to our wine nights than lager. What does that say if lager gives me a worse headache than wine?" She laughed.
"It says you have better taste." She smiled.
Dr Johnson entered the apartment and went straight to Bucky's door, she knocked loud enough for him to hear but received no response.
"Morning James, are you up yet?" She called.
Still, there was no reply. Bailey shrugged it off, thinking those three bottles must have taken it out of him and that he needed his sleep. She took the free time to tidy up. She packed up the empty containers from the Chinese, the paper and the plastic bags into the box they came in and shoved it down the rubbish shoot. Bailey wandered around the complex and picked up all the empty bottles for the recycling, most being Sam's, before finishing off by wiping down all the surfaces with ring marks on. If only she found cleaning her own place this relaxing, she thought.
Bailey began to worry about Bucky, there was no noise or sounds of movement from his room. She went back to his door.
"Bucky, are you hungover? Would you like some paracetamol and a glass of water?" She asked, this time she heard what she presumed was his bed creaking but still Bailey was being ignored.
She huffed, "If you don't respond to me James, I'm going to have to do a welfare check and come in."
"I'm fine!" He shouted.
Bailey was shocked by his tone, something wasn't right. He sounded so angry.
"Is everything okay? Would you like to come out and talk about it?"
"No, go away Bailey." He shouted again.
"Alright," she said calmly, "I'll just be out here when you're ready to talk."
Bailey set up camp for the day at the kitchen worktop. All day long she stayed there waiting for Bucky to emerge, but he never did; not for food, water, the bathroom, nothing. She was really worried about him; she wasn't sure what was wrong or what state he was in. Was there a trigger last night, something she hadn't noticed? But then again, James was fine when Bailey went back in for her jacket. Dr Johnson thought maybe it was simply a hangover, or maybe even a nightmare. He hadn't disclosed any of his nightmares to her yet, even though they both knew they happened.
It was late afternoon when Steve dropped by.
"Hey Doc," he smiled then scanned the place, "Where's Bucky?"
Bailey pointed to his bedroom, "All day?" Steve asked, she nodded.
"Is he okay?" His faced was pained.
She shrugged, "He's not wanting to talk about it, but he knows where I am when he does."
Steve went to his door, "Hey Buck, you coming out?" No response. "I think it would be good for you if you got out your room for a bit."
"No." He grumbled.
Steve couldn't have been certain, but he thought he heard a very quiet "piss off" from behind the door. He left him to it, knowing it was better to let James come to him first.
Steve pulled up a chair across from Bailey as she continued to type away, he leaned across the counter and slowly pushed down her laptop screen with a grin.
"Hey!" she said as she pulled out her hands before he squished them onto the keyboard.
He smirked at Bailey's reaction before turning serious, "How are you? You seemed pretty upset yesterday."
She sighed, "Am I that readable?"
"Yes," Steve confirmed, "If you don't say something, your face does."
She laughed, "It's a blessing and a curse."
"What's going on with you? Is it your grandma?" He pushed lightly.
Bailey nodded, "It won't be long till she goes. She signed a DNR."
"I'm so sorry." Steve said and reached out to hold one of her gloved hands in both of his.
She looked at their hands holding onto one another, he was such a good friend to her. Steve and Patsy knew Bailey best, they were the only ones that knew all she had experienced.
"It's going to be the most pain I'll ever experience. I don't want to be in a world without her." She said before adding quickly, "I know that's stupidly selfish."
"I get it," he agreed, "I promise you; you won't be alone though Bailey."
"But I will," She said. "I'll be the last one of my family."
Steve gripped her hand tighter, "Welcome to the club." He said before leaning over further, lifting her hand and kissing the back of her glove.
He was right, there was some sort of morbid, orphan-club within the Avengers, she thought. Steve, Bucky, Natasha, Wanda; all of them had no family left, but they had one another.
Bailey found herself reciting some of the stories of her Grandma Josie she knew Steve had heard before, but he still smiled hearing them and laughed along like it was the first time she had told him. She began to well up and wiped her eyes before they ran down her cheeks.
"Hey, hey," Steve said and jumped up.
He made his way round to her side of the counter and pulled her in for a hug.
"You are so strong Bailey. I know you can get through this." he said.
Steve left not long afterwards, he went back to Bucky's bedroom door and told him he would be back to see him tomorrow. He wished them both goodnight.
It was rather late; the team would have left an hour ago. Bailey sighed and began to pack up her things. She gave Bucky another shot. She stood with her face inches away from the door.
"Hey James, I'm gonna head off in a minute, unless you want to talk now?" She waited a few moments for a response.
Suddenly the door flew open, Bailey gasped. Bucky stepped forward so that he was stood within the frame and face to face with her. His breath was audible shaky and rapid, his jaw was clenched, his forehead covered in a sheet of sweat, and his hands balled tight. Bailey was shocked at his appeared, he was not in a good way. The collar of his t-shirt was loose and creased like it had been pulled on. This was the closest they had been with one another; Bailey carefully and slowly took a step back.
"Are you okay?" She dared to ask.
"I need to get out of here," He said through gritted teeth before storming past her.
Bucky began to circle the complex. Bailey followed a few meters behind. She could see the tension across his chest, shoulders, and arm as he paced. Bailey was already aware of how strong and powerful he was, but she could see it in his stance. The way he was carrying himself around the room, storming back and forth across the living room. He looked so big, and dangerous. Bucky reached out for the bookcase, as if he were going to pull it down, but he stopped himself. He shouted in frustration and turned his back on it. He looked to the TV on the wall and pulled his metal arm back behind his torso, ready to throw an almighty punch and smash it, but instead he aimed his fist down. He dropped to his knees with his knuckles on the floor.
"Bucky, Bucky," Her voice sounded too panicked and concerned, she spoke more professionally and calmly, "I need you to concentrate and breathe."
His shoulders raced up and down, looked up to her from under his damp hair that framed his face, "I can't. I can't breathe in here. I can't be in here. I need to get out. Please Bailey, I can't be in this place any longer."
Bailey held up her palms, "James, I think you are having a panic attack. Let’s not go back to the beginning here. I need you to stop and breathe." She slowly got on her own knees a meter away from him, "Hey, look at my eyes, and breath with me. Okay, ready? One, two," Bailey took a deep breath in. "Three, four." she breathed out.
"One, two," She said again, Bucky breathed in, "Three, four." He breathed out.
"Keep breathing," Bailey asked, "One, two. I need you to calm down before I can take you to a place where you can relax, okay? Three, four."
Bucky closed his eyes and steadied his breathing along with Bailey a few more times.
"Can I trust you not to run and to stay with me?" She asked.
He opened his eyes again. They were filled with pain.
"Bucky, I need to know that you won't leave. Do you promise me you'll stay with me?" Bailey asked again.
"I promise." He said, sounding defeated.
"Right," she said, "Come with me."
James stood up and followed Bailey to the kitchen. She put on her jacket and instructed that he do the same and retrieved a hoodie from his bedroom. He left the door open as he stepped through and Bailey peaked inside. Bucky's covers were thrown all over the place and his pillows were ripped in two with feathers covering every surface. She quickly found something else to look at as he came back.
Bailey stood in front of the door to the meeting room, she took a deep breath then turned to face him again. He was frowning and biting his bottom lip.
"Please don't make me regret this." She said desperately before turning back and inputting the 6-digit code.
The door whooshed as it opened. She stepped out from the stuffy apartment into the cooler meeting room, someone had left the window open. It smelt fresh. Bucky inhaled deeply. Dr Johnson motioned for him to follow her to the lift, and they stepped inside. She pressed the highest number on the board, and it lit up. The doors closed them in. James gripped the handlebar and dipped his head down, Bailey reminded him to breathe again. The elevator dinged, signally they had arrived at their desired floor.
"Now, I need you to take your hood down, and push your hair back. You need to walk confidently, like you know the place, head high. Stay a few meters behind me but keep my pace, okay?" Bailey laid out the plan.
Bucky nodded and did as he was told, he slicked back his hair to behind his ears, revealing his chiselled face and jawline in all its glory, Bailey found herself looking at him for a longer than a moment once she had finished speaking.
She snapped herself out of it, "Follow me." She said and they stepped out into the corridor.
It was long, bright, and white. Spanning off the corridor were multiple rooms and further corridors. This floor was a mixture of storage and security, several rooms were dedicated to a certain number of floors. Bucky glanced inside one through a small square window on a door, he saw rows and rows of monitors showing the cameras that are layered throughout the building. It was late at night, and a Sunday, storage and security would be using skeleton staff.
Bailey's shoes echoed on the floor with every step she took. She prayed no one came to inspect the noise. She glanced over her shoulder to Bucky, he gave her a nod to reassure her that he wasn't going anywhere. Bailey turned back, and from around the corner of another corridor, someone appeared.
"Oh, Dr Johnson." He greeted, surprised to see her.
Bailey's heart stopped in her chest, it was David from the security, his section includes the psych floor.
"Hi David," She forced a smile and tried to continue walking but he stopped to chat.
"What are you doing up here?" He asked.
Bailey prayed that Bucky, still a few meters behind, would walk straight past them both and keep going to the end of the corridor.
"I'm just on my way to see Peter, I've thought about it, and I think we should have the alarm reinstated." She said as calmly as she could.
"Oh," he said suspiciously. “Peter said you were very much against the alarm.”
“Can’t I change my mind?”
Bucky should have walked past them by now, David looked over Bailey's shoulder and his face drained of colour.
"That's-" He began, but Bailey ripped off her gloves and held his face.
Her eyes glowed and David looked straight into them.
Her voice was confident and clear, "You did not see either of us on this floor and you are not going to remember this interaction."
When he spoke, his voice was monotone, as if he were reading boring instructions, "I did not see you either of you on this floor and I am not going to remember this interaction."
Bailey let go of his face, her eyes returned to hazel and put her gloves back on. David carried on down the corridor, he would have walked straight into Bucky if he hadn't moved out of his way. James had no understanding of what just happened, he hurried after Bailey who had already set off.
"What the hell was that?" He asked as he caught up beside her.
"It's a long story."