Dreams
Bailey brought Bucky to the very end of the top floor; it was evident this part was rarely ventured. There was an ominous looking door that could only be opened from this side, across from it was another labelled 'Janitor's Closet.' Bailey nipped inside and reappeared carrying out a mop. She opened the last door to reveal steep metal steps that lead to darkness. She motioned for James to go through first, hesitantly he did as he was told, before she stepped through herself and used the handle of the mop to keep the door from closing completely and locking them out. With the door practically closed, it reduced the little light they had even more so, and Bucky's breathing started to race again.
"It's okay," Bailey comforted, "I'll go first." She squeezed past him to take the lead. "Follow me."
The pair began to climb the stairs, Bucky quickly dropped his eyesight to his feet as looking up was inappropriate. With every couple of steps, he gripped the handlebar tightly and pulled himself up. They made it to the top to another door which was lit with a green exit sign. Bailey opened the door to reveal the roof of the tower.
This evening was breezy, the clouds from earlier in the day had dispersed revealing a clear night sky and bright, twinkling stars. The air was much clearer up this high up compared to the busy and polluted sidewalk.
Bailey turned to see Bucky, he had his head tilted back and his eyes closed. He took several deep breaths that relaxed the tension in his back.
"God, I needed this." He said before rubbing his first finger knuckles into his eyes.
The two of them made their way closer to the edge, but not too close, just enough to see the lights of the neighbouring skyscrapers. Heights like these made Bailey's legs weak, as if they were telling her to drop to the ground and stay there where it was safer. Bucky sighed loudly, then made his way to the floor. Bailey thought he was just going to sit down, but then he laid flat, arms and legs stretched out wide.
"Are things better down there?" Bailey asked while laughing before joining him.
She laid down about a meter away from where his arm rested. The two of them looked up to the stars in silence for a long time. Bailey listened to the rhythm of his breathing whilst watching Bucky from the corner of her eye, she was very worried he would take off without warning; not that there was anywhere to go. He continued to lay with his metal hand rested on his chest, it lifted up and down with every inhale and exhale.
"You can stop looking at me," Bucky said before turning his head towards Bailey, "I'm not going anywhere, I won't get you in trouble like that."
Bailey blushed, then found the confidence to turn her head and look at him straight.
"Like that," she repeated, "What way will you get me in trouble?"
Bucky smirked, "I couldn't possibly say."
Bailey giggled before a wave of consciousness came over her, he definitely just flirted with her, and she liked it, but they couldn't.
"Do you wanna tell me what you did to that guy down there?" Bucky asked.
Dr Johnson propped herself up onto her elbow, he did the same.
"How about you tell me how you have been feeling today, then I will explain myself?" She proposed.
Bucky sighed, "Okay, deal."
He cracked all the knuckles in his hand and gathered his thoughts before opening up, "When I woke up this morning, I was so aware that I hadn't been outside or had fresh air in weeks. The thought stuck with me all day and I've been having an anxiety attack on and off for hours."
Bailey gave a reassuring smile, "That's completely understandable James. You being inside for so long is something I have been worried about, I didn't want it to come down to this though. I wanted the restrictions to be lifted bit by bit for you to eventually be granted permissions to be outside."
"I think a nightmare triggered it. I dreamt you and I were in a concrete room and the walls were closing in. We were looking for a way out, like looking for a trap door, but we were about to be crushed. I was pushing the walls apart, but my arm buckled and it killed us." He explained.
Bailey, amazingly, managed to keep her shock from showing on her face. Bucky had dreamt of her like she had dreamt of him at the weekend.
"I'm glad you are finally talking about your nightmares with me," Dr Johnson began, "Although dreams about your therapist dying speak volumes to my practice." Bucky laughed and she continued, "Panic and anxiety attacks are not uncommon to someone who has been through what you have, the warfare, the torture, the losses. Breathing is the best way to deal with them, just try your best to turn everything off, focus on counting and control your breathing to that rhythm."
He nodded understanding.
"They can also happen due to things like the claustrophobia you experienced in your dream, and things that are out of your control, as well as stress. I suffered with one as recent as this weekend." Bailey confessed.
James gave her a look of compassion, "I'm sorry about your grandma," Bailey couldn't keep the surprise from her face, "I heard you and Steve talking today." He added quickly.
"Thank you," She said and looked to the floor, "It was a tough day, but you all really lifted my spirits on the evening. So, thank you for that."
"The pleasure is all mine."
Bucky recalled what he could of his own grandparents. His grandfather fought in the First World War, and his grandmother became the foster mother of children whose parents were either away at war, killed from war, or working all hours of the day to make ends meet. James grew up with lots of non-biological aunts and uncles because of the kindness of his grandmother. The orphanages were unsuitable and forgotten about, she could not bear to see children who had lost so much already lose themselves in places like that, so she brought them up herself.
"You need to hold up your end of the deal," James reminded.
Bailey scrunched her nose up, "I was hoping you had forgotten."
"I mean, you don't have to tell me. I can come up with my own explanation for what you did to the guy." He joked.
"What would your explanation be?" She asked intrigued.
"Well... You could be a witch, or an alien, or a robot." Bucky listed, only half of him was serious.
Bailey laughed, "Sorry to disappoint, I'm not any of them, as far as I am aware. I'm just someone with a skill."
He raised his eyebrow, "Is that what you call what you did? A skill."
"It is all I dare to describe it really." Bailey ran her free hand through her hair before continuing, Bucky admired her as she did so, "I have some kind of telepathy and empathy powers, I can tell you what I can do, but I can't tell you how I have them or why."
"Oh wow." He was stunned.
"If I touch someone, I can read their mind and feel their emotions, but the more I do it with someone, the less I need to physically touch them and I could do it from across the room if I wanted to." Bailey felt relief as she explained herself. "I can go into someone's mind and add in or remove thoughts, memories, feelings. So, I made David forget he saw us, and created a fake memory of him walking down that corridor alone. I've been able to do things like that since I was about 8."
"Is this why Michaels has been so protective over you?" He asked.
"Basically yes," she confirmed, "He needs me for his own purposes, he needs me to keep the Avengers, who he thinks are his Avengers, from going off the deep-end."
Bucky remembered their introduction to one another on his first day at the tower, "When Steve said there was nothing you don't know about him..."
"He was being very literal. I'm able to read Steve without touch if I wanted to, obviously this is not something I do as it is a massive invasion of privacy. It's something I've really had to train to control over the years; it got out of hand when I was younger. I was naive, careless, and manipulative. I found myself using my powers to keep my friends around me and to get them to do things I wanted them to do, and then I would just make them forget. It was so, so wrong."
James stayed quiet; he was deep in thought as he bit his bottom lip. Bailey let him process everything she had poured onto him.
When he spoke, his voice faltered, "Would you wipe my memories of HYDRA?" Bucky asked.
Bailey's heart broke, she knew that if she were to share her secret with Bucky that he could request something like this, and this was not possible.
"I can't," she whispered. "It doesn't work like that."
James closed his eyes and sighed.
"I learnt the hard way that any big, emotion-impacting memory I remove would come back even stronger." This time Bailey's voice was faltering, this made Bucky open his eyes again.
"Is this what you need to forgive yourself for?" He asked.
Bailey was amazed with what James had retained about her throughout the time they had spent together. He was incredibly observant, aware of who Bailey was personally even throughout their professional relationship, and he was very emotionally intelligent. All the years of torture and violence did not dampen his kindness and understanding.
"It's one of them," she confirmed. "I had a friend at college. We were at a party, we got separated, and she got spiked. She was sexually assaulted that night." Bailey took a moment as the pain of it came flooding back. "I thought I was helping her. The things she could remember from that night she didn't want to, so in my eyes, I was doing what was best for her and I did her a favour. It was fine at first, it was like nothing happened, but she spiralled." Bailey choked up and she cleared her throat to continue. "She's been in a mental hospital ever since, and the guy, he's the CEO of a company based in Seattle, living his life."
"You didn't know that would happen, you had good intentions." Bucky tried to comfort her.
"If I tried to help you that way, I would only hurt you." Bailey explained. "I don't think I could even try and use any aspect of my power on you."
His face puzzled, "Why?"
"Because of how much you have gone through. Other people's emotions, I feel them too, but to an insane degree. It would lay extremely heavy on my mental state, and I don't think I'm anywhere near as strong as you." She gave Bucky a small smile.
Bucky nodded to the gloves, "Is that why you wear them?"
She nodded.
"So, are you saying that, um," He hesitated, "Are you saying we could never touch?"
Bailey had spent the night after having takeout and drinks with Bucky, Steve, Sam and Natasha, dreaming of Bucky. She had dreamt of caressing every inch of his face with un-gloved fingertips; the stubble on his jaw, the crease on his forehead, down his nose straight, over and around each sharp cheekbone, and lingering over his top and bottom lip.
She shook her head.
Bucky's smile was coy, "You know when you are told you can't do something so you want to do it even more?"
"I thought you liked working here Johnson." A voice from behind spoke.
Bailey and Bucky's head whipped around to see Natasha stood in front of the door to the stairs. She stood strong; her arms folded across her chest. Her face was less than amused. The two of them jumped up from the floor and dusted themselves off. Bucky coughed awkwardly as Bailey hurried over to Natasha.
She looked at her with one eyebrow raised, "Since when was star gazing part of the programme?"
"Nat, please, he was having a panic attack in there. He needed fresh air." Bailey explained. "Please do not tell Michaels."
Natasha shifted her weight to over Bailey's shoulder to look Bucky up and down, he avoided her eye contact but hers stayed on him as she spoke. "You've pushed it here Johnson, bringing him up here with no backup, no security, no nothing."
"I wouldn't have done it if I didn't trust him." She said strongly. "Please, do not tell the Director."
Natasha looked back to Bailey, her face was pleading and desperate.
"Oh don't give me those eyes." She said.
"What eyes?" Bailey said then stuck her bottom lip out.
Nat was slightly amused by Bailey's little performance, "Are you not embarrassed right now?"
"Please Nat, promise me you won't Michaels."
She rolled her eyes, "Fine, I promise I won't tell Michaels."
"Thank you."
"But you're coming back to the complex now." Natasha compromised. "Come on Barnes."
Bucky walked over towards the two. Natasha turned her back and led the way back. Bucky mouthed “thank you” then winked at Bailey as he passed before making his way down the stairs. Her heart skipped a beat.