Forgiveness
The next few days were rather busy for James, he had visitors. Steve had done a good job of rallying the troops. Steve accompanied each visit, and Bailey stayed in the background for the most part.
On the day Natasha came by, Dr Johnson noticed an alertness in Barnes when she entered the room. Even though he knew who's side she was on at this point, with hard proof of her aid in their escape at the airport, he was anxious of her history that was so similar to his own.
Natasha was kind and confident with him, the conversation was casual at first, but like everyone expected, it went to HYDRA. Barnes had looked over to Bailey, to see if this was a topic he should be talking about, as did Steve. Bailey nodded to encourage him.
"Do you remember me now?" She asked.
"It's hard to forget," He said, before quickly adding, "With the red hair I mean."
Wanda's visit was brief but polite. She explained that Vision did not wish to visit due to his relationship with Tony. James dropped his eyes to the ground as she said this.
The most interesting stop off this week was Sam, he and Barnes weren't friends, but they weren't enemies. The three of them in the living room watching football was very much a lads get-together. Dr Johnson observed the three of them, there was a lot back and forth and bickering between Sam and Barnes with Steve playing the role of referee. Sam was good for Barnes, she noted. He wasn't afraid of him, or held anything against him. He accepted who he was, but concentrated on who he is now, and if there was something he wanted to say to him he would say it. Dr Johnson imagined, as annoying as Barnes found Sam, he probably enjoyed his company as if it were a breath of fresh air. He was someone different.
"You know what I'm getting tonight," Sam's loud voice reached across the room and distracted Bailey from her reading. "I'm getting take out from that chinese place on 2nd Avenue, between 43rd and 44th. You know."
Steve nodded, "East Palace. God I haven't had chinese in ages."
"I don't remember the last one I had." Barnes said. "Or if I've ever even had one really."
"Why don't we get one some time this week? We can make a night of it." He suggested.
"Is Natasha coming?" Sam quickly asked.
James shook his head at him, Steve laughed, "Yeah she can, what about Saturday?"
"Saturday is Bailey's day off." Barnes said.
Bailey's ears perked up, she was already listening but James just referred to her as her name rather than Doc or Dr Johnson. She wasn't sure what to make of it.
Steve looked over his shoulder, "Do you fancy chinese take out on Saturday Bailey? You must have had East Palace before."
"Surely she has better things to do." Barnes said, mainly to Steve and Sam.
"Er, I mean, am I invited?" Bailey asked James.
"Um, yeah, of course. I just thought you wouldn't want to come to the place you work on your first day off in weeks." He shrugged. Barnes had slipped deeper into the sofa.
"Oh, no, I don't mind." Bailey smiled, "It sounds fun."
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Dr Johnson had an interesting session planned with James before she clocked off for the night, it involved a lot of soul searching and talking; two things that didn't exactly come naturally to him.
Bailey sat on the sofa, back straight, knees together; she meant business. Barnes had an idea of where this might be going, he sat legs spread with his hands interlocked resting between, mentally preparing himself.
Dr Johnson cleared her throat, "These questions are more journal prompts than actual questions, designed to make you think about the world, yourself, and how you see yourself in it."
"Okay.." He said hesitantly.
"What is one memory you will hold onto forever?"
"What a way to start Doc," he rubbed the back of his head as he thought, "Like a good or bad memory?"
Dr Johnson shrugged.
"Um... probably the moment I remembered Steve. It was like when a radio is out of tune, that's how I felt most of the time. There was just this horrible noise, a constant crackling and I would be agitated round the clock when I was awake, but when I remembered, it was like I'd finally found the station. The noise was gone and I could hear perfectly. I felt like there was a way out."
"If everything were to end tomorrow, what would you regret not doing?"
Barnes sighed, and then his leg started to bounce. Dr Johnson could see he was holding something back.
"There's no shame here James." She reminded him but he stayed quiet.
"I would regret not forgiving myself." Bailey shared.
James furrowed his brows as if he were confused or concentrating as she continued, "I know that I need to let go and accept it, to tell myself that it is okay and I did what I did when I could, but doing that is a whole other ball game. I know if I didn't manage to forgive myself by the time my clock ran out, then I would regret that massively."
Bailey opening up gave Barnes the courage to do the same, "I..I would regret not being able to experience being in love with someone, like having that relationship with the one. I've had girlfriends, but I've never had, like, that."
Dr Johnson twiddled her pen in her hand, "I think that's probably a lot more common than you might think."
She continued, "If anything was possible and you could do whatever you wanted, what would you chose to do with your life?"
A wave of peace washed over his face, "I'd travel." He said calmly. "I'd get a bike, or a car, or catch a ferry and go somewhere, anywhere. I'd sleep in the motels, I'd drive through the night, and I would just experience somewhere new and everything it had to offer."
"If you had to choose one beautiful thing about life, what would it be?"
Barnes chewed his lip, "You're gonna call bullshit on my answer here, but people. Yeah, there are some wicked people out there, myself included but I would say the most beautiful thing is people and their ability to forgive. I've experienced it, even though sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it, and I know you're teaching me to change that but when I feel someone's forgiveness... this may be completely selfish but I feel so much better."
"I understand."
"I don't know what you need to forgive yourself for Bailey," James looked up to her from under his lashes, "But I think forgiving yourself will be the most beautiful blessing, and I think you can do it."
Dr Johnson felt her pale cheeks flush a shade of pink. In that moment, Bailey didn't see James as her patient, or her case, she saw him as a friend giving her kind, warm words of wisdom. She practically melted into her chair over how sweet he looked and sincere he was. She tried to move on swiftly to stop James from noticing her fluster.
Her voice cracked on the first word, "What was the last thought you can remember before you fell asleep last night?"
Barnes was aware of the influence his words had on her, he could see her blushing, her skin warming. He wondered if he had ever made her feel that way before, and if he could do it again.
Barnes laughed to himself, "I wondered if angels were real."
"Oh." Bailey was caught off guard.
He explained, "I was just laid in bed, and I was thinking about all the crazy things that have happened and if someone were to tell 20 year old me that I'd have thought they needed to be put in an asylum. The tech, the aliens, the power. If people like Wanda, Vision, the kid, and um, what's that doctor who turns-"
"Dr Banner."
"Yeah, Dr Banner, and the God of Thunder guy. If they all exist, then surely angels do, or at least a version of. It doesn't have to be bible style angels."
"I understand your trail of thought completely, angels aren't that far off from Gods surely. So if Thor is around, why can't angels?" Bailey asked hypothetically. "I like to think angels are what we become when our time on Earth is up, I like to think I have someone watching over me."
"Family?" Barnes dared to assume.
Dr Johnson nodded, "Yeah, my mum passed when I was little. It's just me and my grandmother now."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
__
Bailey was kicking herself after her session with James, she felt like she opened up to him on a personal level too much. That she had blurred the lines. The looks from her team when she returned to the meeting room confirmed that she did. Charlie ignored her, he was in the corner, still sulking from her turning him down. Alan didn't say anything either, but he didn't need to.
"I'm sorry about your mum Dr Johnson, I didn't know that." Joseph said as he logged off his tablet.
"It was a long time ago, it doesn't really come up in conversation too much." Bailey said.
She was numb to the apologies, a faux grief people portray out of awkwardness when they discover someone they know has experienced such a loss. Things like that didn't really mean anything to her. Grandma Josie brought her up well enough; she picked her up when she was down, she washed her knees with magic water when she scuffed them on the playground, she grounded her when she came home later than what was agreed. Josie did the best job of being grandmother and mother wrapped up in one.
It was only Patsy and Bailey left. The window was still on to view Barnes. He was crashed out on the couch, he had fell asleep whilst reading The Two Towers.
Patsy gathered her belongs, she pulled out her auburn hair from underneath the coat she had just put on then picked up her handbag.
"I think you can do it too." She said.
"Hmm?" Bailey murmured as she reworded a email before she sent it to Michaels.
"I think you can forgive yourself too." She said again before turning around to leave in the elevator.
Bailey stared after her. Patsy gave her a warm smile before the doors closed and the lift took her to the ground floor.