YOU ARE FIDDLEFORD MCGUCKET.
DOCTOR FIDDLEFORD HADRON MCGUCKET, PhD., if you please.
You are FIDDLEFORD MCGUCKET, you are a RECENTLY UNRETIRED MULTIDISCIPLINARY SCIENTIST, and today is a PRETTY GOOD DAY ACTUALLY, all things considered.
It used to be DOWNRIGHT WEIRD to have good days, but now they happen so often that it’s almost TERRIFYINGLY NORMAL.
You are learning to be okay with good days.
And that’s okay.
It is 10:00 AM PRECISELY, and you are VERY PRECISE. (Perhaps more with your time than your body.)
Listen. The beard is a STATEMENT. About… SOMETHING PHILOSOPHICAL. The beard stays.
It is 10:00 AM PRECISELY, which means it is time to check in on your SON.
The SCIENCE SON. Not THE OTHER SON, or the EVER CHANGING AMOUNT OF PARTIALLY DOMESTICATED RACOONS THAT HAVE STARTED STALKING YOU. (It’s fine, they listen to food.)
(… Generally.)
You check your CELLULAR PHONE, because it is the modern age and it’s probably a good habit to have. Not that you get texts often. Most of the people you want to talk to also happen to live in the same house as you, and anyone else doesn’t know your number. Probably because you don’t want them to find out about it.
No, this isn’t about TATE. That man is MOSTLY DEAD TO YOU. Mostly. (Not sure how you’d react if he did message you. That would be a STRANGE DAY.)
But WHATEVER. You have more important things to check on, like the latest readings from THAT ONE THINGAMAJIG YOU IMPULSE BUILT AT 3:00 AM, and checking on your SCIENCE SON, and-
FUCK, YOU FORGOT TO EAT BREAKFAST.
HEAVENS TO BETSY, there’s always SOMETHING.
It’s fine. IT’S FINE. Have a bagel. (No, the dog food is not viable nutrition anymore. Get some good carbs, dangumit. You are absolutely REED THIN. An UTTER TWIG.)
Have two bagels, honestly. One of them can be for your SCIENCE SON, who is currently pretending to be a fallen log leaning on the outside porch.
His name is AINSEL and he’s very talented. He can be a little shifty, but he’s just unsure of himself. You know how kids can be.
You know. Literally. Because he’s an alien shapeshifter. Families are just LIKE THAT sometimes. (Fuck nuclear families, IN WITH THE WEIRD FAM.)
You toss a bagel at the SUSPICIOUS LOG, which spontaneously generates AN ENTIRE MOUTH just to catch it. AINSEL slowly expands into his GANGLY AND VAGUELY GELATINOUS SELF, MILKY WHITE AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN.
Maybe he’s translucent and you can see his heart beating, but hey, that’s biology for you.
He’s looking a good deal less SWOLLEN AND DEPRIVED since he first moved back in, which is either a sign of improving health or an omen of some IMPENDING ALARMING METAMORPHOSIS. He has been sleeping more often and his VESTIGIAL WINGS appear to have been growing to ALARMINGLY FUNCTIONAL SIZE.
Either way, a fascinating development. You will be sure to catalogue it later. FOR SCIENCE. (You wonder, briefly, how messy a shapeshifter’s cocoon could be. Then you think about it and decide to fight that battle another day.)
Your friend STANFORD would probably know more about the whole biological aspect.
...You did tell STANFORD about AINSEL, right?
Right?
… [Sigh]
FIDDLEFORD, honestly. You don’t even tell a man about his own SCIENCE SON? That’s not how CO-PARENTING works. You are a disastrous man. Child-thief. Swindler.
Though, on the other hand. STANFORD is also a disaster who SHAVES USING FIRE and won’t stop DELIBERATELY FUCKING UP YOUR RUBIX CUBE, THE BASTARD. This is just payback. Definitely on purpose payback.
(You set a reminder to tell him before you forget again.)
Now that you have ACQUIRED FOOD, you must decide what to do next- you have a SCHEDULE, of course, but TIME IS FAKE ANYWAYS, and you believe in the power of improvising. AINSEL stands here awaiting the day’s To-Do diatribe.
>[CHECK ON THE BASEMENT. YOU KNOW, THE THIRD ONE, WHERE YOU AND A BUNCH OF OTHER GUYS KILLED GOD BY HOLDING HANDS.]
>[GO CHECK UP ON THAT SIX-EYED RACOON YOU SAW IN THE SHED. SOMETHING SEEMED OFF ABOUT IT.]
>[THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO RE-ENACT THE ENTIRETY OF QUEEN’S “BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY” ON A BANJO WITH YODELING ACCOMPANIMENT.]
>[FIND THAT THINGAMAJIG. THE DOOHICKEY. THE GIZMO. THINKING ABOUT IT HAS REINVESTED YOUR INTEREST IN IT.]
>[CALL STANFORD.]