Absolution
“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the pickup for the weapons?” Maria pulls Nat from her own head. She’d been sat staring out the front of the quinjet for the better part of an hour. She shakes her head, slowly turning to meet her friend's eyes.
“No, you and the team are more than capable. I’ve already done my part.” She sees the way Maria’s jaw clenches, biting back a comment that she really had done her part, and then some.
Hill knew better than to poke at her now – any other time and she’d be having a grand laugh over Nat’s exploits – despite her own feelings – but the guilt swimming in her eyes was enough for her to remain quiet. Nat watches a million thoughts fly through the older woman’s eyes and is glad that none of them leave her lips.
“I’ll be here. If you need a sudden extraction, I’m all over it.” She tried to remain stoic, playing to the mission on hand, but she knew it wasn’t working the way that she thought it would.
“Alright, we’ll be home before you know it.”
“Yeah.” She dreaded the thought. “We will.”
The entire time that Maria and the team are gone she stews on what she’d done. What she had allowed herself to do in a moment of wanton weakness. There was no taking this back, and as much as part of her mind was telling her to keep the transgression to herself, to let the marks fade out, and not tell Wanda. She knew that she couldn’t. The guilt she felt now would roll over her and morph into something dangerous. Something self-destructive and she’d done so well in the past to beat back those notions in herself.
She could keep It from her still, and also keep her distance – but that would call more into question that she’d be willing to give. She’d have to face this one way or another.
It was the right thing to do, despite her own apprehension. Knowing she was about to break whatever progress they had made, that comfort they’d found in one another a darkness loomed in the distance and she felt as though she’d brought it on herself. The sky was calling out its fury, and she was ready to let it open up on her.
By the time she’s walking back across the grounds leading to the house, she felt sick. She knew that there would be no hiding this – even if she’d wanted to the bite mark marring her neck would tell the story for her – the moment Wanda smiles at her as she crossed the front porch made her weak.
She’d prepared herself but standing there as Wanda pulled her into a hug, she wished she hadn’t been so stupid. She returns the hug, holding on tight enjoying what very well could be the last of them from the little witch. When she doesn’t let go right away, pulling Wanda close to her Wanda pulls her head back, searching her eyes.
“Nat, what’s wrong?” The concern only serves to break the wall she’d tried her best to throw up, a ready combatant to the pain that was sure to come. She had been ready.
“There’s something I have to tell you.”
Wanda pulled back, “Okay, should we wait to go inside?”
Nat had thought about that but risking the entire Barton family bearing witness to this wasn’t something she could bear. The children loved Wanda, Laura too – and Clint, she could already see the look he’d give her.
“No, here is good.” Her words are soft, and she doesn’t want to look away from Wanda, doesn’t want to break whatever this was between them.
It was the right thing to do.
“Okay,” Wanda says, clearly uneasy with how Nat was acting.
She can’t bring herself to layout the explanation, so instead, she swallows hard. “I slept with someone.”
What she wasn’t ready for was the heartbreak that stared out from Wanda’s eyes. The complete and absolute anger that had followed was a slight surprise, however.
Red danced through her eyes and Nat found herself stepping back out of the sudden grip Wanda had on her. “It didn’t mean anything.” She adds in a hurry, not wanting Wanda to lose control.
She should have thought of this being a possible reaction. Her magic always misbehaved with the turn of her emotions.
Shit.
Her words held no credence with the witch, nothing she could say at that moment would make this better. Nothing could but be damned if she wouldn’t try.
“I’m sorry, Wanda. I know that doesn’t fix it, and I can’t take it back.”
“No.” her voice was low, accent thick. “You can’t.”
The next thing Natasha feels makes her skin crawl – Wanda had reached into her mind, searching for the memory of the night before. Nat cries out, doing all she can to push the witch out of her mind as it screamed betrayal.
She’d gotten what she wanted a full recall of the time she’d spent with Helena – and anger had surged at the sight of it. Pain washed in a wave directly behind the anger and Nat’s knees buckled under the weight of it mixing with her own.
Her lungs pull in more air than they needed the second Wanda retreats from her mind, bringing them both back to reality. From her spot on the ground, Nat looks up. Wanda is staring down at her, tears falling from her eyes.
“You promised.” Wanda had assured her that would never happen again, she’d never cross the boundary with the team – not like that.
“Promises mean nothing between you and I.” Wanda sneers and Nat feels like she’s been kicked in the chest.
“No, Wanda… please.” She stands, attempting to step forward, to reach out and touch the witch despite her apprehension. Her magic was sparking, and she knew it was volatile.
“Get away from me.” Wanda yanks back, not letting Natasha touch her at all. It was a stark difference between how she’d been with her previously.
“No.” She fires back, her own anger flaring. She takes a step, toeing the line that Wanda had drawn between them. She’s thrown back with such force she knows the fall is going to break something. Terror laces through her for a moment but the pain is minimal as she crashes to the ground, cushioned by nothing.
She doesn’t get the chance again because Wanda is off the ground flying towards the tree line. Nat collapses back to the ground, a sob choked in her chest.
What had she done?
She doesn’t know how long she’s sat there before Clint comes to investigate. When he reaches her and she looks to him with red-rimmed eyes, and a face of stone his lips pull back into a tight line. “Come on, tell me inside. You must be freezing.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Too bad, you’re going to.” He pulls her not giving her a choice when he takes her bags.
“I fucked up.”
“Mm. I’m sure you can fix it.” He doesn’t know what happened but seeing as the little witch was nowhere in sight and the state of Natasha was a dead giveaway.
Inside Nat was happy the kids were playing in their rooms and didn’t have to see her like this. Clint directed her to the kitchen table and Laura poured them both some coffee before making a quick exit, leaving them to their privacy.
She recounted what had happened with Helena, and then again with what happened when she’d told Wanda. He’s listened, not interrupting even though he’d wanted to.
“This doesn’t seem so bad.”
Her head snaps up, incredulity making her face. “How in the hell do you see this as ‘not so bad?” Her voice was hoarse, rougher than her usual rasp.
He chuckles and she wants to smack him.
“Well, take it from someone who knows you – you self sabotage. This is that. You were getting close, letting yourself believe you could be happy and bam. Your own worst enemy.”
“This can’t be washed away with an explanation. Motive doesn’t matter – I chose to have sex with another woman, I messed this up. I won’t expect her to forgive that.”
They weren’t together, not really, but there had been an unspoken commitment. She broke the trust the day after she’d turned the witch down. Shame fills her at the thought – oh god. Wanda must be devastated at that thought. She’s made her feel like she wasn’t wanted and then fell into bed with someone else.
“So, trying isn’t worth it – you’re just going to let her walk out of your life?”
“Got any tips, because I don’t know what I’m doing here.”
“Suck it up – go apologize until you’re blue in the face and don’t take no for an answer.”
She shakes her head. “You didn’t see her face Clint; you didn’t feel the anger coming off her. She…” She had left out the fact that Wanda had waded through her mind in her devastation. “She got into my head Clint if that happens again…”
“She’s already seen the worst parts of you – more than anyone else in this life ever will. What else can she break in there?” She couldn’t believe the words he was saying – he’d had his mind broken before, had stopped her from getting into his head for that very reason and he was telling her to let it happen again.
“She almost broke me clint!”
“When she didn’t know you.” He pointed out. “That was before she loved you. She’d been trying to mess with us then – let her in. It might be the only way she believes how you feel. Really.”
“I won’t cross that line again.”
Both Natasha and Clint look to the left at the voice and the sight before them breaks Natasha’s heart. Wanda’s face shows the telltale signs of having cried for longer than anyone should – her voice was weak, and eyes narrowed against the headache forming behind them.
“Wanda…”
“Nat, no.” She holds up a hand stopping her. “Not yet. Just… come to bed when you’re ready.”
Both spies sat at the table look at her in disbelief – anyone else would have made the spy sleep on the couch, would have yelled, would have screamed and fought. Wanda Maximoff wasn’t anyone else though Nat thought watching her walk towards the stairs. Clint turns to Nat.
“If she tries to kill you, yell.” He was worried, but the way Wanda had looked at Nat told him all he needed to know. She wasn’t about to let the older woman pull herself away, she wouldn’t give in to this sabotage.
“I’ll let her.”
She waited longer than she needed to, longer than she should have to make her way up the stairs. Each step felt like lead in her boots. How was she supposed to face her, how would she look the younger woman in the eye?
She pushes open the door slowly, treading lightly in every sense of the word. When she finally brings herself to look to the bed Wanda is laid on her side, one hand tucked under her face, the other tucked into her side. Her eyes are wide open, staring at the older woman.
“I can go back down.” She offers not knowing if it’s out of kindness Wanda, or her readiness to run from whatever was to come.
“Come here.” Wanda pushes off the pillow, letting her feet hit the floor as she shifts to sit on the edge of the bed. She has a hand outstretched, waving Natasha forward. The spy didn’t move.
“Come.” She says again, pleading with her in a single look. “Please.”
Her feet move despite her trepidation. She stops in front of Wanda and lowers slowly to her knees, a silent offer of control to the younger woman. Something she didn’t readily give to anyone. She places herself between Wanda’s legs and lays her head down. She doesn’t flinch when she feels fingers in her hair, running gently through it.
“I’m still angry – furious.” Wanda starts and Nat closes her eyes, trying to squeeze out the image of sadness she’s imagining on her face. “But… but that doesn’t mean I love you any less, that I could love you any less.”
This shouldn’t be how she tells her she loves her for the first time – in defence of her own emotions. That doesn’t take the flutter out of Nat’s chest, however. She looks up and Wanda places her hands on either side of Nat’s face.
“I know you. I know all your faults and some of our motivations. I know you cared about… that woman. But that was years ago.” She pauses, not liking the memories swirling in her mind that she’d pulled out of Nat’s. “I had no right to intrude on your mind… I was out of…”
“No, you weren’t.” Nat starts to protest but the younger woman stops her.
“No, I was. I was angry and I let that control me – just like you let your fear control you.” She tilts her head smiling weekly. From this angle, she could see the marks that the woman had left on Nat and she stomps out the anger in her chest.
Nat feels her hand slide from her cheeks down her neck, covering the bite. “This will fade, and so will my anger. I only ask one thing?”
Nat nods, “I don’t deserve this.”
“You do. And so do I.” She explains. “I want you to tell me if you’re in or out of this. Commit right now and I’ll forgive this.”
“How could you.” This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, she was supposed to be angry, she was supposed to hate her. Is that what she’d wanted – a way to escape with her own fear?
“Self-serving need.” She says simply. “I’m not ready to let you go before you’re even mine.”
Before she can overthink this Nat nods. “I’m all yours.” She whispers. “I’m yours.” The whisper echoes, once, twice, three more times before she presses a kiss to the hand she’d just taken in her own. She kisses each finger. It was strange and intimate and far scarier than it should be.
“Kiss me,” Wanda starts, pulling Nat’s eyes to her own. Her brows furrow at the younger woman, whose face is filled with tear marks – fresh mixing with the old. “Please, Nat.”
The plea makes her lift from her knees, shifting to sit beside her on the bed. She reaches up, cupping Wanda’s cheek gently. Her forehead falls to her witches, eyes not moving from hers. She leans in and kisses her, trying her hardest to pour everything she was feeling into that kiss. Like she’d never had this chance again.
When Nat pulls back, she sighs gently. “you should hate me.”
“Yes, I should,” Wanda states causing an ache to form in her. “But I can’t – I can’t hate you for this. Trust will be hard, but I can’t hate you.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes, you do and the moment you start believing that then we’ll be on the right track.” Wanda was speaking to her in a way that left no room for argument like she was tired of side-stepping worry and dancing with the insecurities of the older woman.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know, darling.” She reaches up and pushes Nat’s hair back. “I know.” She pauses that same comforting tiny ball of magic started playing along Nat’s skin. “And I am sorry I used this to betray your trust.”
“I could let you in, you know like clint said.”
Wanda shakes her head, watching that magic follow its own trail over Nat’s skin. “No. You’ll tell me everything when you are ready. I can wait.”
Nat didn’t want her to wait, she didn’t want Wanda to have to adjust to her anymore – that’s all this had been – It wasn’t fair, and she knew it.
She knew this wasn’t normal, this wasn’t how normal people in these situations reacted. Leaning in she sets her forehead on Wanda’s shoulder. How had they gotten here?
“You said you love me.” She laughs gently, letting the words float through the air again.
“Because I do.” Wanda retorts, joining in the small laugh. “I’m almost certain that I’ve loved you all along.”
Wanda nudges her shoulder softly causing the older woman to lift her head, Nat watches with curious eyes as the witch reached out, taking her jaw and turning her head. She leans in and Natasha’s breath stops in her chest at the feeling of teeth sinking into her neck. She didn’t have to ask what was happening, she knew Wanda was destroying the mark on her neck making one of her own.
“Mine.” She barely hears the whisper that comes from her neck but shudders as her breath causes the wet skin to cool rapidly.
“Yes, Wanda. All yours.” She offers her, wincing when she bites down harder, sucking on the skin to relieve the ache a moment later.
When she’s done Nat pales at the need in the younger woman’s eyes.
She didn’t deserve her, didn’t deserve this forgiveness, and she certainly didn’t deserve the feeling of contentment blooming in her chest.