Gunpowder and blood. Sometimes that was the only thing he could put together, just a contorned mess of shred skin, broken bones and screams. Stunned with confusion and a pulling in the center of his chest to stop. Just stop. But his body wasn’t his and the only ending to the mission was to finish it. Finish the day, finish the magazine, finish the target. There was no space to think as his whole body ached for movement, to obey in the barbaric manner he was set to. It didn’t matter how loud the screams were, how defenseless the person in front of him. Just finish it so it could finally stop. But it never did, not really. Because when he wasn’t killing they were using him, toying with his body like it was just another weapon, a shell empty of humanity, pushing it and trading it as it went. It never fucking stop. He was a spectacle of horror, as big men in white suits laughed, sitting in a circle while they mandated him to hurt others, to break them, and tore them apart piece by piece. It would never stop just an endless repetition of so much fucking blood…
He woke up startled, scrambling around, half a scream leaving his throat as he tried to breath again. The cold tile stopped him from jumping to his feet, ready to fight, to run, to make it all stop somehow. It was a fraction of a second, a moment where he tried to recall where he was. It was always too long nonetheless, the foggy confusion of sleep creeping over his mind, dazzling with the lack of control and sending his heart into panic mode. Bucky couldn’t handle losing control. Not like that. No anymore.
“Hey, hey,” Said a hoarse voice, steps rushing over him and then stopping cold.
Bucky looked up, studying his surroundings as he went. It all fell into place easily, they were at Zemo’s hide away. Sam was standing in the doorway of the suite, wearing a red shirt that belonged to Bucky- not that it mattered, lately they just shared t-shirts and jackets out of commodity- and some sweats. It was a bit too domestic for Barnes’ taste. It felt like something he was never meant to witness.
The memory of Wilson quirk eyebrow studying him and telling him to get some shut eye cleared his mind. The nightmares were usually less disorienting, he was acclimated to his empty apartment, the dull security of a familiar location usually did the job. But this place was new, they were in a whole different country and the tension kept on building up.
Both of them had been surprised to find the other back at Zemo’s place, Sam had appeared with the shield a couple of hours after Bucky. They glared at each other only for a moment before Bucky raised the box of pizza. Sam nodded, still in complete silence, falling next to the super soldier and picking a slide.
“You good?” Sam asked, chewing slowly like even eating was too much work for his exhausted body.
“Mmmh,” Mumbled Bucky, swallowing hard and looking to his side, his cheek buried against the turquoise couch “You?”
“Mmmh” Agree Sam, shrugging.
They finished three whole pizzas in complete silence, just eating and drinking from the overly expensive german beers Zemo had materialized the minute they arrived at the place. What a weird guy. The shield was resting against the coffee table and Bucky stomach found that unsettling, a vivid reminder of why his jaw was sore and his arm kept on twitching. He had spend so many days longing to get the fucking thing back now it felt almost ridicouls.
It murder someone.
Logically speaking it wasn’t the shield who did it. John Walker had made sure everyone saw his face as it happened but… But that shield was Sam’s and remembering Walker staining it made his body shiver with anger.
It belonged to Steve too.
No that that mattered anymore.
Bucky sight, throwing his head back and letting his eyes flutter shut for a couple of seconds. The weight of days without sleep slowly settling over his knot shoulder.
“You can take the room,” Sam said, brown eyes kind and thoughtful.
“I don’t use the bed,” Bucky simply said.
“But you could use some shut eye, Buck.” Sam wasn’t really pushing as much as stating facts.
“I just take the couch, you go”
“Mmm”
The memory of sliding to the floor was a blur, he could tell Sam was long gone and his bones settled with calm against the cold tile, using one of the pillows and dragging the throw over blanket over his body, he wasn’t cold but he rathered like the weight over his body.
Right about now, sweating and gasping for air while sprawled all over the fancy tiles, he wished he stayed on the couch. If only to look like less of a mess.
“Nightmare,” He managed to say, his voice breaking, a strangled choking noise that resonated throughout his whole body. “I’m fine. It 's okay.”
Sam, who looked stunned as he watched him from afar barefoot with his (Bucky’s) shirt slightly raised- Bucky wished he could not notice this- rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, nodding. “You don’t have to,”
“What?” Bucky mumbled, using the couch as support, trying to sit on it. In a second Sam was next to him, hands in Bucky’s forearm pulling him upwards and into the couch. Barnes wanted to shake them away, growling that there was no need for that, he could help himself, but his legs were shaking and his head didn’t feel right. The whole world lacked edge and the dizziness was not going away. So he just let him, enjoying the warm if only for a second.
“You don’t have to be fine, is okay” Sam said, sitting next to him, he looked drained, eyes red and face contorted by sheer tiredness.
“You didn’t sleep for shit did you?” Bucky groaned, annoyed for some reason. “You need to sleep, man.”
“I can't,” Sam admitted, scoffing. “It keeps replaying in my head, you know?”
Bucky breath out softly, nodding as he tried to control his body from shivering. The after shock was never this bad nowadays. But it had been a particularly shitty day. The soldier swallowed hard, closing his eyes trying to push the world away. Instead something warm came over him, barely fluttering his eyes open he saw as Sam put the blanket over him again, tugging at the corners so it covered him well enough.
“Which part?” Bucky asked, moving by instinct towards the touch, his body sliding a little in Sam’s direction.
“You know which part.” Sam resolved, not angry, just defeated. “I can’t stop thinking I could’ve stopped it. All of it. If I talk through it with Karli, if I follow John instead of her after Lemar…”
“You can’t save everyone, Sam.” Bucky muttered under his breath. “None of it was your fault, you gotta know that.”
“I know. ” Sam agreed, himself moving closer to Bucky, their shoulder now touching, voices low in the dark of the room. It felt like a confession of some sort, Bucky noticed, so he lined his face to the side, opening his eyes to watch as Sam bit down on his lower lip. It struck him as a shock how familiar Wilson’s face had become. The high cheekbones and the long eyelashes were starting to feel quotidian, which was a mistake on his end. Sam was a temporary company, the man himself had said it. They were gonna get the job done and then never see each other again. Bucky thought he could take that, even if he never liked the idea. Not really, because Sam was… He was… Complicated. His feelings seemed to be entangled in his mind, the lines between Sam and Steve blurring out. Not because the men were alike, because in all simplicity they weren’t. Not in matters that involved Bucky at least, Sam was crass where Steve used to be sweet, sharp and witty while Steve had been soft and corny, smart and calculating where Steve used to be rushed and brainlessly passionate.
But then there was the thing they did share, being brave, kind, strong, good. There was no other like Steve and Bucky would bet his life there was definitely no other like Sam.
The truth was, the only reason they were blurring so much in Bucky’s mind it was the ultimate promise of dropping him.
Which is fucking pathethic, and the reason he needed to stop looking at Sam. Because he was as good as Steve and therefore deserved better. A better partner, better company, just better. Barnes was rotten from the core and out, no amends could save the crumbs of a human that were left.
So whatever misplaced feelings aroused whatever he looked at Sam, whatever it was the heavy pull in his guts as Wilson smirked at him, asked him if he was alright… He needed to make them disappear. Quick. And that was final.
“What?” Asked Wilson, blinking slowly. A memory of his childhood kitten flickered over Bucky’s mind. Being little and laying on his belly under the sun, watching the cat imitated him, fluffy belly towards the sunlight, blinking at him ever so slowly with his whiskers twitching in complicity. His body suddenly felt just as warm. “Why you looking at me like that for?”
“Nothing,” Bucky mumbled, incapable of looking away. He cleared his throat, squaring his shoulder, muscles still tense out of the nightmare. “You are gonna be great.”
“In what exactly?” Wilson huffed out, his head tip even closer to Bucky, resting his chin in his own shoulder.
“Don’t play dumb, you took the shield” Barnes growl, because Sam may looked nice like that but he was still annoying.
“That doesn’t mean I’m taking the mantel”
Bucky was tired of insisting. More so, he was coming down from the high of defending Steve’s legacy and understanding this was Sam’s choice, whatever he wanted to do was good for him. As long as nobody else wore what belonged to Wilson…
“Well, if you do choose to do it-” Bucky said instead, smiling a little “You are gonna be great at it.”
Sam smiled back, breathing slowly, he finally slided all the way down, his head resting on Bucky’s shoulder. The soldier tense up. That was new. Apparently his apprehension was noticeable enough that Sam immediately straightened up, moving away like the touch burnt him. Barnes clenched his jaw because the touch was nice and he wanted it back, but of course he couldn’t have that. It took a tool in him not to roll his eyes, Wilson was just nodding off and he was trying to see stuff where it wasn’t. The man didn’t want to be close to Bucky in the ways the soldier did. He couldn’t even stay a second against his shoulder.
Whatever.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sam asked as he put distance in between them, scotting to the corner of the couch.
Bucky was ready to say no when he opened his mouth and something else came out “The nightmares or the psycho using the shield to murder people?”
“Both,” Sam answered with a broad smile, like he didn’t hope for Bucky to agree to communicate.
It took him a second, trying to organize his thoughts. There were many things to be said about what had happened that day, none of which he felt ready to unpack. Not without admitting how much he enjoyed beating the crap out of John, or the guilt riddled relief he felt realizing Sam could have been in Lemar’s place. He felt for the man, he seemed kind and smart, just being dragged around by Walker, but the thought passed Bucky’s mind and sting him so hard it was hard to shake. Because part of him wondered if would’ve have reacted any differently. If he saw one of Karli’s men killing Wilson, even if Karli herself had done it, what would Bucky have done in Walker’s place? He wanted to believe he was better than that. He needed to think his first insitc wasn’t murder, but Sam was so bright, so warm and full with life. Sam was so good and Bucky needed him alive. The idea of him dying… He couldn’t handle it.
So instead of vomiting all that out he said… “Just regular old nightmares”
“Come on freaky magoo, don’t be like that” Sam huffed out a laugh, his legs coming up from the floor and resting on Bucky’s lap. The other man raised an eyebrow but before Sam could regret it he put the metal arm around them, moving the blanket so it also covered his teammate. It was Sam's turn to raise an eyebrow.
“Today was bad.” Bucky confessed. “Sometimes in a specific memory, some other ‘s rush of emotions… Those days are worse because it’s what it felt like, you know? Being the Winter Soldier. Whenever I broke a little bit out of it, it was--I was so confused that it hurted. There are these faces... These people I can’t recall. Most of my handlers I remember, but all the others, the one who were just for the show… To test run me--” He scoff, looking away and biting back an angry laugh. “I don’t know who those fuckers are. They were always the cruelest too. I-” Bucky cut himself as he stared back at Sam, the man was watching him so attentively it was painful to witness. Brown sweet eyes darkened by worry and… Anger? Yeah, Bucky noticed, Sam was pissed, in the same way he looked ready to body slam Zemo as he touched Bucky’s chin while speaking with Selby. Maybe he made the connection himself. Maybe he was just remembering how aggravating the sokovian could be. Bucky doubt that. Either way, those eyes were heavy to be under. So Bucky quickly straightened himself, shrugging “Sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing for?” Sam's voice was low, patient.
“Dunno,” Bucky rolled his eyes, enraged by the kid gloves he guessed Sam was sliding in. “Kinda of a burden to hear all that crap”
“Bucky, I like it when you talk to me.” He put his feet down, making Bucky’s lap feel cold and empty which he shouldn’t even think about but it was already too late to suppress that thought. Lucky for him the coldness didn’t last long because Wilson moved closer, looking at him with that you can trust me eyes that Bucky fucking hate so much. Because trust wasn’t the issue. Fucking hell. “And I can’t pretend I understand what you are going through, because I don’t. But what I can tell you is that it’s part of getting better. You are doing so much, man, really,”
“I know.” Bucky said, Wilson's own words echoing in his head, for some reason that made him smile “I just wished I could sleep.”
“I get that, believe me” Laughed Sam, leaning against the couch, “When I was serving I used to get terrible panic attacks at night, would wake up screaming, the whole nine yards. Riley alway had to crawl down with me until it wore off. I don’t know how they didn’t discharge me for that…”
“Riley?” Bucky felt a little stupid for only picking that par, but he was curious.
“My wingman…” Sam's smile got a little sadder “Literally. He was part of the testing group for my wings. We were both pararescue.”
“You never mention him.” Bucky said, knowing where this could be heading, his vibranium hand twitching.
“He died, got shot in the air.” The words came out easily, like in a manner that let Bucky know many years had been needed for them to be utter without breaking through. “I couldn’t save him.”
It was Bucky turned then, to say something reassuring, to let Sam know that hadn’t been his fault. But Sam already knew that, Bucky could tell by the way his eyes got lost into the open room, searching for words to explain how much it hurted when death just tore through you. No reason. Just senseless fate. No big destiny or grand victory. There was nothing to be said and yet Bucky felt like he needed to do something, so he did. His vibranium arm raised around Sam’s shoulder, squeezing and then pushing the man closer to him. He meant to give a side hug, one of those dry gestures men learn to display without actual emotion, Sam didn’t seem to agree. The falcon slumber like death weight, hiding his forehead against the crook of Barne’s neck, his other arm going under the blanket and around Bucky’s waist. “Sometimes I wonder what the hell would Riley say about all of this. Me running around the globe with Captain fucking America, fighting you, fighting Thanos, fighting with you--” He scoff, his breathing heavy against Barnes ear, the words rumbling and making the other man guts do stunts. “You two would’ve hated each other. Or not, actually. You know what? Maybe the shared pleasure of aggravating me would have made you two best buds.”
“Maybe,” Bucky agreed, smiling, his other arm going around Sam because it felt natural “I think he would agree with me.”
“On what exactly?” Sam's voice sounded more tired, getting gravely as he melted against his teammate, drifting into sleep.
“You are gonna be great, Cap” Bucky repeated, grinning, resting his face against the top of Wilson's head.
“Cap, that’s new.”
“I like it,” Barnes said, relentless. This was good, he thought, squeezing tighter. Even if it was just temporary, even if Wilson only allowed it because he was tired and sad. Even if it was just one weak night. It was really fucking nice and it hurted just that much to know it was meant to dissapear, eventually. “I really do.”
“Okay, sap,” Wilson groaned, moving backwards. Bucky was immediately shook out of whatever warm pool of insanity he had been drowning in. He felt his face heating up and his body going stiff with shame, goddamn. But Wilson didn’t let go of him though, he dragged him, forcing them to rest their backs against the couch, the falcon stirr his legs and Bucky copied him, accidently getting their bodies entangled in the small space. “Can I stay? Sleeping with people helps me.”
“Yeah, of course, stay” Please, he wanted to add, please stay after this shit is done thru.
Bucky simply shook that thought away, moving upwards so his legs fit the small couch, taking Wilson along. They ended up resting on their side, Sam’s chin resting soundly on the top of Bucky’s head. He could get used to that, to feel someone hover on top of him, an arm circling around his waist. Which he knew was senseless. We go deal with that, and when we’re done, we both can go on separate, long vacations and never see each other again. Yeah, Bucky was doing a great job at not getting attached.
“Wilson?” He asked, closing his eyes as he rested his forehead against Sam’s chest, feeling the heart beating raptly.
“Mmm?” Sam asked, sounding a little more awake than before, he moved back, his eyes meeting Bucky’s “What?”
“Nothing, just” Buck scoff, pulling the blanket on both of them. He waited a minute trying to sort his thoughts, blue eyes glued to Sam’s as the man just waited, a patience so unbreakable it was annoying. He finally shrugged. Because what the hell could he say? Thank you? I’m sorry? Nothing put into words all the over combulated emotions that seem to rush around his throat ready to burst into a strangled noise he would never let out. “Nothing”
Sam narrowed his eyes, lowering his face as he did so, a smirk appearing. Too close. Bucky mind raise to find a way to escape the situation, anything that would help him from how good Sam smelled and how close he was gettin and-- Sam mouth was soft against his cheek, the scrubb of their faces brushing as Sam left a single kiss, the motion send a shiver all over Bucky’s body, making his take a sharp breath and let out a muffled noise that got lost into the tension. “Thanks, Buck”
Barnes barely made out a quiet shrugged, his brain short wiring by the realization that he just wanted Wilson to kiss him again.
Fucked, that’s what he was.
“Night’ Sam” The words came out hoarse as he hugged Wilson closer, because this was probably the most he was gonna get and he could enjoy that too.
“Night cyborg head”
Fucking terrific job at not getting attach.
***
He woke up warm. Not hot out of feverish dreams but cozy and content, the sun coming into a rainbow of colours, filtering through the huge stained glass window. His mind still dozed with sleep only offered up one thought, Wilson. He hum, almost agreeing with himself. Yeah, he was waking up comfortable because Sam was there. At some point in the night the other man had turned around, holding Buck’s arm prisoner, so Bucky's chest was pressed hard against Sam’s back. The noise of the city forced him to move, he needed to get out, needed to look for Zemo, needed to give him up to the Dora Milaje, needed to go back to New York, to Yuri… In their long separate vacations. Bucky almost lays back down, letting himself sleep until Wilson woke up, so it was him who made the call, who decided that they needed to part ways. But Zemo was probably already at the sokovian memorial and he owed the Wakandans.
So he moved, he managed to get over Sam’s body without waking his teammate completely, Wilson only rolled into his back, frowning and groaning but too deep in sleep to actually react, Bucky who was hovering over Sam, stayed still as if that could help the situation. He couldn’t help but feel he was creeping, he was not the type of guy you wanted to have watching over you while you sleep, but when Sam opened his eyes a little, red and not entirely there, he smiled.
“Morning” Bucky said, because what the fuck was there to say?
Wilson let out a small laugh that calmed Barnes' fears of being inappropriate. More than that Sam moved forwards, his head leaving the pillow as he broke the space in between them, giving Bucky a soft and wet kiss right on the mouth before flopping again onto the couch, looking pass out.
“Sam?” Bucky croaked, his whole body buzzing, smiling in complete confusion.
The man didn’t reply, only snuggling on the couch and turning to his side, Barnes scoff, defeated, moving off the falcon.
It was gonna be a fucking long trip to Sokovia.
Maybe nowadays he didn’t mind the smell of gunpowder so much, no if it was accompanied by wings. Because for one he didn’t want the mission to stop. He wanted to keep on running into fights next to Sam, because when he followed Wilson he knew they were doing the right thing. Sam was gonna be a great Captain America not because Steve said so, neither because Bucky believed it to be true, but because he had shown time and time again that he saw kindness in the world. He understood pain, understood helplessness, he was a good man that worked his ass off just to see good in others. Sam earned that shield, Bucky was not sure he could ever understand all that it meant for the falcon, how hard it truly was. The only thing he hoped for was that he could measure up to the task, to be able to help Sam in anything the man needed. Wilson was gonna be fucking great. So no, now there was no desire to finish with it, only a want to keep on building, to keep on going just to see what was next.