Family time
Thanksgiving was one of those times where the whole family got together and celebrated family. Tony didn’t think he could be any happier than he felt right now.
He was blessed with two beautiful boys, a gorgeous and loving wife and here they were, in their home, a roof over their heads and food cooking in the oven, ready to eat.
Life with a toddler was fun and exciting. There was never a dull moment. He was beginning to think that Peter was truly his best friend. Could you even have a best friend in a three year old, Tony thought so.
His personality was coming out as each day passed and he got older, it was magical to witness.
So much sass in such a tiny, chubby body. Tony couldn’t wait to watch him grow up and witness who his little man was going to be.
It truly was a blessing to be his father.
Alice and Pepper were cooking in the kitchen, whipping up a storm.
Tony was playing with his boys in the living room, trying to entertain a three year old and a nine year old at the same time was not an easy task.
Harley ran by, knocking Peter over with a pillow but the toddler recovered quickly, picking up his knocked out pacifier and pushing himself to his feet so he could knock out Harley, despite not even being half his size.
“I got you ‘dis time, Harls.” He giggled, running around the other side of the couch to come out the other side. Harley chased him, going a tad easy on the younger boy. He was only three after all. “Ahhhhh!”
Tony chuckled, watching his two perfect boys.
He was so lucky Harley had a sibling like this. Tony could already picture them when they’re older, getting up to mischief together.
Peter turned the corner, running into the wall and falling back on his butt, sobbing. Oh. Well the fun didn’t last long, did it? “Okay, come here.” Tony stood up, walking over to the baby and picking him up. He had a small red bump on his forehead but it wasn’t anything bad.
“It’s okay, you just had a little fall. Did that scare you?” He hushed, bouncing and soothing the child.
“Mama!” Peter cried, he pulled his pacifier out of his mouth, dropping it on the floor then began making grabby hands. Tony sighed. That only meant one thing. He tried not to get upset that he couldn’t help soothe his toddler but sometimes Peter just wanted his mom. “Mama mama!”
“I’m sorry, dad. I didn’t mean to hurt him.” Harley looked down at the floor. He always tried to go easy on Peter but sometimes he got carried away.
Ruffling his oldest son's hair, Tony smiled. “It’s okay, it happens. It’s just an accident. I’ll hand him over to mom then how about you and me go kick the ball in the backyard?”
Harley jumped in excitement. “Heck yeah! I’ll go get the ball! Meet you out there.”
They tried a few times to include Peter in their game but everytime the toddler took the ball and took off running in the opposite direction, frustrating Harley.
So it was something Tony liked to do with Harley alone, just to give him a little bit more attention.
He walked into the kitchen, holding the squirming toddler out. “Pepper. Somebody needs you.”
“Oh, my baby. Mommy’s busy. I’m cooking.” She placed the lid on the pot, turning around to take him from Tony. “What’s wrong?” He was already tugging down her shirt so Pepper hoisted him onto her hip.
“He ran into the wall and needs comfort. I’m going to go out back with Harls, you can hand him off to me when you’re done.” Kissing both of them, Tony left. He could sense Pepper didn’t want to or have the time to feed Peter but he would only cry harder if he didn’t get what he wanted.
“Mom, I’ll be back. I’m going to go nurse him.” Pepper kissed Peter’s forehead. “Hey hey. Stop pulling down mommy’s shirt, you need to be patient. Remember?”
Letting out a breath of air, Peter nodded, sticking his thumb in his mouth. Deciding to go outside to watch her boys, she found a comfortable seat on one of the pool chairs, knowing she was going to be there for awhile while Peter nursed.
“Did you see that, mom!” Harley proudly yelled . He wanted her to watch him score a goal on his dad.
“I did. Good job, honey!”
Curious, Peter pulled off to see what all the excitement was about. But it wasn’t anything interesting so he moved his body so he could nurse and watch the game in front of him.
He reached a hand out for Tony, but it went unnoticed by the man. Peter preferred having his dad close by, not able to realize that he couldn’t have Tony’s attention all the time.
Tony would love to give him that attention, but he needed a bit of a break sometimes and Harley also needed his attention.
It was a juggling game. But Tony wouldn’t change it for the world.
.
.
.
Tony didn’t want to be here.
He didn’t want to celebrate thanksgiving.
He wanted to fly back to New York and get drunk in their house, watching old home videos of his little boy. That’s all he wanted to do.
He could hear Morgan giggling downstairs, probably putting on a show for everyone, but Tony couldn’t pull himself together enough to go downstairs just yet…
There was a knock on the bathroom door but before he could even tell them he’d be out in a minute, Pepper walked in, looking unimpressed with him. “When are you coming downstairs? We’ve been waiting. The kids want to spend some time with their dad.”
“I really don’t feel like celebrating Thanksgiving this year.” He leaned against the counter, defeated.
“You weren’t even here last year. You promised Morgan and Harley you would celebrate with us this year as a family.”
“I have nothing to be thankful for. Peter’s gone. What’s the point?”
“You still have Morgan and Harley. And they miss their dad.”
Tony shook his head, biting his tongue to try and stop the tears from falling again. He just managed to stop crying. Was he an awful father for thinking they weren’t enough… he couldn’t look at them without feeling an empty hole in his heart where Peter should be.
Peter should be here. He would be 9 years old and Tony wanted so fucking badly to see who he’d be. What his little boy would look like, act like, what kind of toys would he be interested in? Would he prefer turkey or he would be completely turned off from eating it and want chicken nuggets instead.
“You think I’m not in pain too? You think I’m not grieving? I miss him so much but he’s not here and I’m trying to make a somewhat normal childhood for Morgan and Harley.” Pepper was holding this family together the best she could but with Tony’s constant absence, it was next to impossible.
Tony walked past her and into the bedroom. He wanted to leave. He didn’t want to be here. Being surrounded by family made the ache in his heart all that more significant.
“Where are you going?” Pepper followed him out, becoming livid. “You better not be planning on leaving. The turkey will be ready in twenty minutes. The kids have been wanting to spend time with you-”
“Don’t you see! I can’t be here without him. I feel like I’m dying from the inside out. I can’t… I can’t breathe.” Tony quickly sat on the bed, his head in his hand. He couldn’t be here. He didn’t want to be alive without Peter, he really didn’t see the point in living. He thought Morgan, Harley and Pepper would all be better off. But what if Peter was still alive… what if he was out there suffering at the hands of the cruel intentions of some men. He wanted his boy back.
The not knowing was killing him.
If he knew Peter was dead, he could find peace in dying himself.
But that slight chance that Peter was still alive and somewhere on this earth, meant he was suffering, probably crying every night for his mom and dad he didn’t even remember.
So no, Tony couldn’t go downstairs and pretend he was okay when he was fighting very powerful demons.
“I know. I know, Tony.” Kneeling down in front of him, Pepper hugged his knees. She tried everything to help Tony be present in their life but he was handling Peter’s loss very differently. “Please. Please try.”
“I need to go. I can’t be here, can’t you see that.” He stood up, effectively pushing her off.
Pepper stood up quickly. “You cannot leave us on Thanksgiving, Tony. If you walk out that door, you’ll be getting sent divorce papers in the mail. I can promise you that.”
Tony hesitated. It wasn’t the first time Peppers threatened him with a divorce. She actually sent him divorce papers a few years ago but Tony ripped them up in front of her face. He didn’t want to get a divorce but the thought of divorcing meant he got to live by himself and grieve alone sounded nice… but he didn’t think he would be able to crawl out of that depression hole.
“Yep.” He knew she was being serious. He didn’t want to get a divorce even though Pepper was pushing for it. He was never present. He opened the door, turning back to look at her. “I’ll meet you downstairs.” And he hated himself for wishing he was leaving this house instead.
He got closer to the voices, his chest aching. He wished he could go downstairs and scoop up his boy, kissing his face. The thought only brought him pain because he knew that would never be.
Morgan scooted by on her plastic car, waving at Tony before drifting around the corner like an expert. When did she get so good at that? When he bought it for her, she was scared to go fast. It just proved how much he was missing out on.
Oh well.
“You coming to join us, Tony?” Alice asked, never knowing if Tony was coming or going. She knew he was grieving in his own way.
Tony would rather walk out that door and let out all his emotions and anger. But he needed to stay strong for his family. It wasn’t an easy thing to do.
He wanted so hard to be present but his heart was in another place. He felt like he was a walking zombie, lifeless, not really feeling any kind of emotion but also feeling everything at once.
It was a constant state he was living in and it wasn’t easy to live life this way.
Nothing about living this life was easy.
Morgan, Harley and Pepper made it a bit more bearable but their family felt so broken and incomplete. Someone was missing and it wasn’t fair.
It’s not fair.
Peter should be here.
He forced a smile at Alice, already knowing that she could see right through it. He didn’t want to be there and everyone knew that. Expect maybe Morgan. But then again, children were sensitive to these things so maybe she did feel it in a different way…
“Daddy daddy! Can you come colour with me?” Morgan ran up to him, jumping at his feet, excitement evident in her voice.
Tony wanted to say no and he hated that he did. He was trying so hard to stay present. “Of course. Take me there.”
“Yay! Follow me!”
Holidays were hard. Christmas was the hardest because every year Tony would push the trolly down the toy aisle and wonder what Peter would be into this year. Another reminder of what he’s missing out on. Most Christmas he buys something he thinks Peter would’ve liked and donates it to charity. It makes him feel a bit better to be buying something for his son that isn’t here.
So yeah, holidays are hard. But so is every other day. Fuck, just living was hard.
He snapped out of his thoughts when the purple crayon snapped and he looked up, only to realize Morgan was talking to him.
“is the big big big one! He-he goes in the drain. That’s where he lives. But he… he only comes out to eat when he’s hungry.”
“Mm. What does he eat?”
“Cheeseburgers!”
“He has good taste.”
“Everyone go wash up for dinner!” Pepper announced not long after. Tony stood up, back cracking. He pulled Morgan up when he raised her arms up for him then she was running off into the kitchen, dragging up a stool to wash her hands.
“Morgan, can you do that in the bathroom? I’m trying to prepare the table here.”
“Okay.” Hopping off, Morgan ran down the hallway and turned the corner to wash her hands but one of the storage room doors were open. It was usually locked up.
She peeked her head in, finding a crib, a wagon, strollers and a bunch of bins. Curious, Morgan walked in, running her fingers along the crib, leaving her trail marks in the dust.
She pulled a blanket off a square shape, pulling it down to reveal a black and white picture of a little boy.
“Peter.” She smiled, kneeling down in front of it. It was a black and white photo of the toddler's face, he was smiling, staring into the camera lens.
Morgan knew exactly who this was, his face was plastered all over the house like he was a god her family worshipped.
She reached out to touch his face, grinning. She wished she could play with him, he looked fun. She bet they would’ve had fun together if he was still around.
Standing up, Morgan took a lid off one of the bins, peeking inside. “Woah.” It was filled with toys. Teddy bears, cars, giant Lego pieces, some baby toys that she wasn’t interested in and books.
Reaching in, she pulled out a brown teddy bear that was missing an eye. She liked it, it was special. Hugging it against her chest, she grabbed a small picture frame of her dad holding Peter and skipped out of the storage room, happily skipping into the dining room to join her family.
Tony's eyes landed on her and did a double take. He stood up, walking over. “Where did you get that?”
“The bear?” Morgan questioned, looking down at the fuzzy brown teddy in her arms. “Oh! I just found him. He’s missing an eye. See?”
Tony recognized that bear. It used to be Peter’s. He remembered when Peter ripped that eye off and put the button in his mouth. Tony almost had a heart attack as he ran over to get him to spit it out.
The memory only brought him pain. Like every memory of Peter did. He should be here…
Tony grabbed the teddy bear from his daughter. “This is Peter’s. Where did you get it?”
“Tony. She can play with it.” Pepper stepped in. She didn’t want Tony scarring their daughter but she also had to be sensitive to Tony, knowing he was using every fiber in his being to stay strong and not break down but seeing that bear definitely didn’t help.
Tony looked at it. Why was this bear still here and Peter wasn't? He took a calming breath then handed it back to her. “Can you please leave it in the other room for now?”
“… okay. I… I want to eat with him. Can I put this on the seat next to me, daddy? Is that okay?” Morgan held up the picture frame, showing Tony the picture of him and Peter.
He looked at the photo and smiled. It wasn’t a picture he remembered taking. He didn’t exactly remember the moment. They were in a store, Peter was three which meant it was taken a few weeks to months before he was taken. He was grinning behind his pacifier, that goofy grin he did. Oh god how he missed that grin.
While Peter was looking at whoever was taking the picture, Tony was looking at him like he was the centre of his universe.
Tony wanted more time with him.
This wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t fair.
He handed the photo back to Morgan. Usually he could numb himself and look at a photo of Peter, telling Morgan a bedtime story to keep his memory alive. So why was he struggling so much today?
“Sure, put him next to you.”
He locked eyes with Pepper as he turned to sit down, giving her a forced smile. He hated how she looked at him like he was going to break if anyone said the P word. Well, maybe he would. But he truly couldn’t help how he felt today.
As the conversations started around the table, Tony toned them out. He pictured what today would look like with Peter. He would be 9 years old. He would probably be into monster trucks and legos. He could imagine him and Peter playing, arguing over their toys then he would have to step in to solve it. Peter would probably be sitting next to him with a pile of cooked carrots on his plate, he loved his carrots.
Tony wondered what he was doing. If he was dead, he would be sitting right here with them. Tony knew it was dumb but he didn’t feel Peter in this room with him. He didn’t feel at peace, he felt like his boy was somewhere on this earth.
And that made it worse in a way because it meant his baby was hurting and scared.
Suddenly he wasn’t hungry.
He picked at his food so as to not upset Pepper and Alice who both worked so hard to make this meal for them.
Glancing down, Tony saw the photo.
What he would give to hold Peter again.
.
.
.
“Slow down. Hey! Stop running in the house!” Tony yelled. God, he was exhausted. Peter and Morgan decided they wanted to open a paint studio in the dining room without anyone knowing so Tony was trying to get it cleaned up so they could set the table for dinner soon.
Peter ran by, a wet paint brush in his hand. “Hey hey hey. I’ll take that.”
“No. No no I’m using it still, daddy.” He tried grabbing it back, successfully getting blue paint all over his hands. “Ohhhh. I’m a Smurf! Morgan!”
He ran off so Tony chased him before he could get the wet paint all over the house. Snatching him up, Tony lifted the ten year old into his arms, “Not so fast. Let’s go wash your hands.”
“Morgan! Help me!” He squirmed but Tony held tighter. He carried him upstairs, heading down the hallway but he heard footsteps chasing them and turned around, spotting Morgan chasing after them. “Heyyy you came.”
“I’m coming to save you, Petey!” She grabbed onto Tony’s leg, barely stopping him from moving. “Ahhhhh! This is fun!”
They were hilarious. Tony carried them both into the bathroom and shut the door so neither of them could escape. “Both of you need to wash your hands.”
“What if I wash my hands in the toilet?” Asked Peter, about to touch the wall but Tony was quick to grab his wrist.
“Nope. In the sink. I’ll help you.” Having three children really taught him to be quick on his feet. It was definitely the most drastic change, him and Pepper had three children now. It was the most magical gift ever.
To think that this time last year, exactly on the day, he was broken beyond repair. Tony was sat at the exact same table they’re going to sit at soon, heart ripped to pieces and numb. Just one whole year ago.
Now, he had his baby back.
He was still struggling to believe it. Tony honestly wondered sometimes if he had an accident and was in a coma, if he was, he never wanted to wake up. Life was perfectly beautiful.
How did life get so great. He was the luckiest father in the world to get to spend Thanksgiving with his three children. Three. He couldn’t believe it.
But it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Having three children was a handful.
A whole other side of Morgan’s personality was coming out. It was wonderful to see, Tony figured she must have been holding in her boisterous and adventurous side all this time. Or maybe Peter was bringing it out.
And Peter, well, they were still getting to know each other.
It was their first Thanksgiving with him back but also their first Thanksgiving as a family of 5 now.
And getting to know him, learning about his personality was amazing. Truly a gift to get to experience this. However he had a very strong personality. He could go from 1-100 in a matter of seconds. Tony had to understand that he had trauma and that he was essentially raised by his kidnapper for seven years. That was difficult but he had him back so that’s all that mattered.
He couldn’t wait to get to see the little boy he was going to turn out to be, he wanted to learn everything about him.
And everyday he learned a little bit more.
He also learned that Peter didn’t really think of any consequences, he just acted and that was it. He would paint the whole white couch downstairs blue if he was left alone for long enough.
So they needed to make sure someone was supervising him or at least checking in on him from time to time. And him and Morgan, well, that was a whole other story. They were crazy together.
But it kept Tony on his toes.
Last year for Thanksgiving, the house was so quiet and empty and filled with grief and sadness. This year, it was filled with children’s laughter, screams and the sounds of tiny feet running around the house.
Tony couldn’t imagine a better way to celebrate Thanksgiving.
Once Pepper called for dinner, Tony ushered both children to go wash their hands. He was watching them, talking with them about some story Peter was sharing but Alice called him over to grab the gravy dish down.
“I made sure to place Peter’s seat next to you.” Alice winked at him.
“I would’ve pulled him to sit next to me anyways.” Tony chuckled. They both knew he wasn’t joking. He reached the dish down, not hearing anything coming from the bathroom. Hmmm. Silence was never a good thing to hear. “I’ll be back.”
He walked down the hallway, turning the corner and spotting Peter standing there with his pants around his ankles as he unraveled the whole toilet paper roll into the toilet. Morgan watched on, her hands and arms covered in foamy soap.
“What is going on?”
“I’m washing my hands.”
Tony snatched the toilet roll from Peter. “I left for like two seconds.” Apparently that was two seconds too long. “Why are you putting all the toilet paper in the toilet?”
“Because I’m wiping my bum.”
Tony would have to stick his hand into the toilet to grab it out. And right before they had to sit down to eat, this was the side of parenting he’s missed out on essentially since Peter was taken.
No one wanted to stick their hand in a toilet but if that was the cost to have Peter back, Tony would stick his hand in a thousand toilets. He rolled his sleeve up, hesitating before reaching in. “You don’t need all this toilet paper, baby. That’s too much.”
“Oh. I just used it.” He usually explained then waddled out of the bathroom, tripping on the pants around his ankles.
“Wait for me!” Jumping off the stool, Morgan chased after Peter, bumping into him in the hallway and causing him to fall on all fours. “Oopsie. Sorry.”
“Owww. You knocked me on purpose?” A look of betrayal crossed his face as he turned to look up at his new sister.
It was a huge change for everyone in the family to get used to the new dynamics. Morgan and Harley already had each other but Peter essentially didn’t remember having any siblings so he went from being an only child to having two in the span of one day.
It was quite the adjustment.
Tossing the wet toilet paper in the garbage and scrubbing his hands in the sink, Tony walked out, seeing Peter’s distraught face. Poor baby. “What happened?”
“She-she knocked me.” His bottom lip trembled.
“No! It was an accident!” Stomping her foot, Morgan crossed her arms. She was not taking the blame for this. Absolutely not.
“It’s okay if it was an accident, just help your brother up and make sure he’s okay.” Tony explained to her, holding his hand out so she came closer. Peter was clearly waiting for her to fix this issue.
Until now, Morgan never had to do this. Harley was 10 years older than her and so they never played like this so she never truly upset him and therefore didn’t entirely know what to do next. Tony understood that and was patient.
The two barely knew each other for three months at this point and were told they were brother and sister. Sure, Morgan knew of Peter but she only knew of him as the three year old toddler from all the pictures, but suddenly he was here and he was ten years old.
And this whole experience was new for Peter.
It was a hard adjustment to say the least.
“I didn’t do it on accident. I mean on purpose!” She muttered, closing in on herself.
“Ask if he’s okay.” Tony encouraged.
“Are you okay?”
Thinking about it, Peter wiped the invisible tears off his face. “I guess. Don’t push me again. Even by accident. Just don’t.”
“Accidents happen, buddy, we can’t control them. Right?” Tony explained, helping him to his feet and pulling his underwear and jeans up. “But you’re okay now. Let’s go eat some food. It’s Thanksgiving.”
Best friends once again, Peter took Morgan’s hand and ran away, laughing together. Tony could cry. That was so perfect.
He just couldn’t believe that exactly one year ago he was in the exact same spot, dying from the inside out, begging god please bring his baby home.
This just didn’t seem real.
In the best way possible.
He joined his family at the table and for the first time ever, it was complete. Everyone who had a spot at the table was here now.
Leaning over, he grabbed Peter’s arm, lifting him onto the chair next to him. “You sit here.”
“Next to you.” He grinned, leaning over to hug Tony. Tony’s heart could just about burst. God.
“And I’m sitting next to Petey.” Oh. That might cause some trouble but Tony let Morgan sit where she wanted. Alice and Mike were at the head of the large rectangular table, Pepper and Harley sat on one side and Tony sat on the other side in between Peter and Morgan.
The table looked delicious. It was filled with endless amounts of food, they would be having Thanksgiving leftovers for days. “This looks delicious, Pep and Alice. Thank you.”
Reaching forward, Peter grabbed a cooked carrot, munching on it. “Thank you, mommy. Thank you grandma.”
“You’re so welcome, baby. I’m so grateful for you.” She blinked away tears of happiness. What a beautiful sight to see him at their table.
Tony could cry, he was so happy. As they started to fill their plates, Tony helped Peter cut his chicken into tiny pieces. One thing they learned about him so far was that boy was he ever a picky eater. If his chicken was cut wrong, he wouldn’t touch it. If there was too much on his plate, he became overwhelmed and would push it away.
Tony was quickly becoming an expert on these things to make sure he ate. Something that they found worked was using a silicone plate divider and adding small amounts at a time. He almost got it down to a perfection.
“I want the blue cup. Not this one.”
“It’s the same thing.” Tony pushed the cup closer to him but Peter looked at it like it was poison.
“Nnmmmmmm nooooo. Not that one.” Whining, he stood up on his chair, tears filling his eyes.
“Okay,” It wasn’t like Tony wanted to give in but it was clear his kidnappers gave in when he cried and it was extremely clear that Peter didn’t hear the word no often. Saying no to him was the end of the world. And Tony didn’t want this small issue to ruin their thanksgiving dinner so he got up to go switch the colour of the cup. “Sit down before you fall.”
“You’re gonna give me blue?” He asked, desperately.
“Yes, baby. Just sit.”
“Peter, what’s your favourite thing to do on Thanksgiving?” Alice asked, wanting to get to know her grandson more but also to distract him from his obvious upset.
“I don’t know. I like Aiser.” The dog was sitting at his feet, tickling the bottom of them. He was sneaking him pieces of his chicken every so often, despite Aiser already having a prepared bowl of food for his dish.
“He’s a good dog, isn’t he?”
“Uh huh. I’m good too. I listen.” He made sure everyone knew that, despite his lack of listening.
“One blue cup. Here you go.” Tony handed it to him, the smile he gave was so worth it. As the table drifted into conversations, Tony found himself drifting up but this year for a different reason, he couldn’t stop looking at Peter and wondering how he got so lucky.
Peter and Morgan were having a conversation about some imaginary story they were playing earlier, too busy talking to even eat.
He felt a sense of peace at knowing every year was going to look like this at Thanksgiving now. Everyday was going to look like this, having Peter back and knowing no matter what, everything was okay now.