Without me
Peter excitedly knocked over his lego tower with a fit of giggles. He looked over to see if his dad was watching, a tiny frown on his face when he saw that he was too busy talking to someone at the front door.
He picked up a handful of his legos and threw it across the room, laughing at the way it went everywhere.
“Daddy? Did you see that?” Peter turned to his dad again, the smile falling from his face when he saw how angry his father looked. “What’s wrong, daddy?”
Steve walked towards Peter and leaned down to be closer to his height level. “You went inside the neighbours house?”
Peter immediately stuck his thumb in his mouth. He did go inside but he didn’t want to get in trouble so he shook his head. “No.”
“You’re lying to me now?”
Peter pulled his thumb from his mouth and picked up all his legos, throwing them all across the living room but his dad didn’t react to it, he assumed he was allowed to do it since Steve never told him no.
“I’m not.”
Steve stared at him, his gaze cold and calculating before he was grabbing Peter by his tiny arm and standing up, forcing Peter to his feet. “You’re bad. You know what that means.”
Peter screamed.
He wasn’t being bad. He was playing with the neighborhood friends and everyone else went inside for a popsicle so he wanted to go inside too, even if he knew he wasn’t allowed. “No! No! Nooooo! I’m not bad! Daddy! Daddy!”
Steve walked closer to his bedroom so Peter screamed even louder. He did everything in his power to fight his father off, not wanting to be punished. He didn’t see what he did wrong. Here he was, playing with his friends and getting in trouble for it but when he threw his legos all around the room, his dad didn’t bat an eye.
It was sending Peter mixed messages.
Steve walked into Peter’s bedroom and laid him on the bed, standing over him. “When you do stuff like this, you’re saying you don’t love me. Do you love me, baby bear?”
Peter nodded. “Yes!” He didn’t have to think about it, he knew it was what Steve wanted to hear so, he said it. Even if he didn’t feel it at the moment.
“I do everything for you. Everything. I do so much for you and you go and do something like this. I don’t understand you, Peter.” Steve let go of him and sat on the bed, placing his head in his hands.
Peter felt bad now. He slowly stopped crying and sat up, watching his dad. He sat up on his knees and placed a tiny hand on his back. “Why’s you sad?”
“Because of you.” Steve lifted his head up. “Don’t you love me, Peter? I’m your daddy. And you disobey me every chance you get. Do I have to take away all your toys for you to listen to me.”
Peter didn’t know if it was a question but he shook his head aggressively. “No. No daddy. I’m good. I’m not bad. I’m a good boy. Daddy. Daddy?” He shook Steve’s arm, trying to get a reaction out of him.
“Do I have to lock you in your room for two days instead of one?”
Peter screamed. “Nooo! Daddy! Noo! Don’t!”
Steve stood up to leave and Peter all but lost it. “Daddy! Don’t go! Don’t leave me alone! Don’t! Dont! Daddy!”
Steve walked towards the bedroom door and turned to look back at Peter, shaking his head at him before shutting the door behind him.
Peter ran over to the door and banged aggressively on it. If he weren’t screaming so loudly, he would have heard the sound of the locks clicking in place on the other side. He banged his tiny fists against the door, feeling like he was about to die as he screamed and yelled.
“Daddy! Daddy! Come back! Let me out! Daddy!” Peter sobbed harder and tried to wiggle the doorknob but when that was no use, he slowly stepped back and screamed at the top of his lungs. “I HATE YOU!” He screamed. “I hate you and I wish you were dead!”
He collapsed onto the floor and cried harder.
“I WISH YOU WEREN’T MY DADDY! I HATE YOU!” Peter laid his head on the cold floor and cried.
He never understood what he did wrong. He did what every other kid on the street did and they never got in trouble for it.
He wished Steve was dead. He wished he could go live with a different family because he hated his dad.
He hated him.
.
.
.
Peter didn’t know how long he was locked in his room for.
He eventually stopped screaming and crying and continued to lay on the floor, playing with the string on his pants. The sun had long set and Peter’s hunger was starting to make itself known but he was too drained to even lift his head up.
His thumb had worked its way into his mouth where he was steadily sucking on it for the past… hour? Five hours? He didn’t know. All he knew was that he wasn’t going to take it out anytime soon.
He was about to fall asleep when he heard the door unlock and then the light from the hallway assaulted his eyes but he didn’t bother moving.
Steve walked over to him to see if he was asleep. When he saw his eyes open, he sighed. “Tell me you’re sorry.”
Peter shook his head. “Mm.”
Steve yanked his thumb from his mouth. “Tell me you’re sorry or I’ll leave you locked in here for another day.”
Peter didn’t think it had been a whole day already. It was still dark out so it had just been a few hours. Peter pushed himself up, his thumb prodding at his lips. It was his only comfort item. “M’ sorry.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry!”
“For?”
Peter whimpered. “I don’t know. I need a hug.”
Steve shook his head and stood back up. “You have to learn, Peter, there are dangerous people in this world. The bad guys could be anywhere and once they find you, they’ll take you from me for good. And we’ll never see you again. Do you want that?”
Peter shook his head.
“What?”
“No!”
“Then you can’t go inside strangers' houses. You can’t play or talk to anyone else without me there. Do you understand that?”
Peter nodded even though he didn’t understand it. “Yes.”
“I do so much for you and this is how you repay me.”
Peter looked down at his lap. He was bad. He didn’t mean to be but he was.
Steve walked away but left his bedroom door open so Peter stood on shaky legs and made his way into the living room to find Steve sitting on the couch with Bucky there. Peter didn’t know when Bucky had arrived but Peter ignored him and walked towards Steve. “Daddy. I’m sorry. I need a hug.”
He stood in front of him, his thumb disappearing into his mouth without any thought.
Steve held his arms out for him and Peter wasted no time throwing himself into his arms and soaking in the desperate need for physical touch and comfort.
Steve rubbed a steady hand on his back that was comforting for now. Although Peter was mad at him, he felt empty inside after that whole ordeal.
It was just the life Peter had and there was nothing he could do about it.
Sometimes Peter disappeared into his own imagination and his thoughts consumed him.
He clung onto Steve, getting the necessary comfort from the man before pulling away and sliding onto the floor. Steve watched him carefully. “Do you love me, Peter?”
Peter nodded without thinking about it. It was the answer Steve wanted. He picked up a basket of his toys and began playing with them while Steve and Bucky chatted quietly amongst themselves. Peter ignored them and went into his own world.
They always seemed to be keeping secrets from him because he was too young to know anything. That’s what they told him anyways.
Peter picked up two of his dinosaurs and threw them across the living room to get someone’s attention. Steve only looked at him so Peter picked up another one and threw it in his direction, the toy slid across the floor and hit Steve’s foot.
“Don’t throw your toys, bear.”
“Okay!” Peter agreed and picked up another dinosaur, throwing it until it hit the wall with a loud thud. He giggled and did it again.
Steve walked over to him and held his hand out. “C’mon. It’s time to get ready for bed. Let’s go.”
Peter kicked a dinosaur in his path and continued walking towards the bedroom and into the bathroom. “I want to add in blueberry bubble bath, daddy.”
Steve grabbed it from the shelf and started the water then saw Peter attempting to take off his own shirt. “Oh. Wait for me, little bear. You know it’s easier when daddy helps you anyways, right?”
“Yeah.” Peter let Steve get all his clothes off then he leaned over the side of the bathtub and reached for some of his toys left in there from before. “I’m gonna play with him.” He reached for another one. “And him. Can I get in now?”
Steve felt the temperature then helped Peter climb in. “You can play for fifteen minutes but bath time is a little late tonight since you were being bad.”
The smile fell from Peter’s face at the reminder of being bad. He looked down at the water. “No, I wasn’t bad.”
“You were. You were a bad boy and you made daddy so upset.” Steve stuck out his bottom lip, trying to look sad so Peter could feel bad about his behaviour. He wanted Peter to act a certain way and Steve was achieving that through manipulation and brainwashing the young boy.
Peter kicked his legs, splashing in the water. “No. Don’t be sad, daddy. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be bad.”
“Do you like it when I lock you in your room?” Asked Steve.
Peter aggressively shook his head. He hated it. He had nightmares over it. “No. I don’t like it.”
“Then you need to behave. No talking to strangers.”
“But, daddy, I know them. They’re my friends. They’re not strangers, daddy. I promise.” Peter insisted, sitting up on his knees.
Steve hummed. “No. They’re not. If I’m not with you, you don’t talk to anyone. Understand?”
Peter didn’t understand but he knew what his dad wanted him to say so he nodded his head and refused to look into Steve’s eyes. He held back his tears but that resulted in him letting out a whimper.
“Suck on your thumb. It’ll comfort you.”
Peter did as he was told, sticking his thumb in his mouth and sucking on it for comfort as Steve grabbed the body wash and washed his body clean for him then lifted him out of the tub, wrapping a towel around him and carrying him out to the living room where Bucky was. “I gotta get some laundry done. Can you watch him, Buck?”
“Yeah, come here, Peter. Sit with your favourite Uncle.” The nine year old was placed on Bucky's lap so he cuddled up to him, taking in the comfort he was previously denied.
He sat there for a bit, watching Bucky play Candy Crush on his phone for a few minutes then Peter wigged around and sat up, looking for his dad. “Mm.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I need to pee.”
Bucky looked over the couch, towards the long hallway where Steve went down. “Steve? Peter needs to pee.” He called out to him.
While Peter waited for his dad to come back, he sat up a bit more but Bucky held him tightly. “I can go by myself.”
“No, you know your dad needs to help you. Just wait for him.”
Peter was so used to everyone doing things for him, he didn’t know how to do anything for himself and he didn’t want to learn how. After a few minutes, Steve walked out with a basket of clean, unfolded clothes.
“If you’re having fun or if you’re comfortable where you are, just go pee. Only adults get up to go in the toilet every time.” Steve explained to him… once again.
Peter sat up and stared at him. “But-but I need to go now, daddy. I want to go in the potty.”
Steve began folding the clothes, humming a song Peter didn’t know. He looked up at him and when he got no reaction, he looked to Bucky. “I wanna go in the potty, Bucky.”
“Listen to your father.” He simply said then continued playing his game.
Peter didn’t know what to do. He sat there and waited for Steve to finish folding the clothes but he couldn’t hold it anymore so he looked between his legs and started to pee.
Steve looked at him and cooed. “Oh no, baby. You couldn’t hold it. It’s okay. Accidents happen, right? You’re okay. How about we go get you cleaned up then we can cuddle together. Would you want that?”
Peter wasn’t going to deny cuddles so he nodded. “But daddy, I could hold it. You said you go here.”
“No, baby. I never said that. You just couldn’t hold it. It’s okay, you’re still young. If you’re playing and having fun or too tired to get up, you can go pee. I won’t be mad. And you’ll get extra cuddles and kisses.”
He lifted Peter up, placing his towel over the puddle of pee and pressing a ton of kisses onto his face. Peter giggled at his fathers kisses and when he saw that they were heading in the direction of his bedroom, Peter stopped laughing and watched Steve open up the door and took him inside. He laid his head down on Steve’s shoulder. “You’re mad at me?”
“No, why do you say that?”
Peter shrugged. He thought it was obvious. “Because we're in my room. I wanted to sleep with you…”
“Not tonight. You were bad today so you will sleep by yourself.” He placed Peter on his bed and grabbed pyjamas for him, helping him get them on while Peter laid there and allowed Steve to do all the work for him. He was used to Steve doing everything for him.
Peter was sad.
He hated being bad.
He didn’t mean to, but he didn’t think it was fair, it was all he knew, it was all he would ever know.
He fell asleep that night with his thumb lodged in his mouth, the only comfort he had.
Peter disappeared into his happy place that he often dreamed of, distant memories from when he was younger, he couldn’t make out the faces of his imaginary friends anymore but he always knew they were there.