I will look for you forever
Morgan sat in her bedroom and played with her two dolls, making them talk to one another.
Tony leaned against the doorframe and watched her. He came up to tuck her into bed but he didn’t want to interrupt her, curious to know what her active imagination was creating this time.
He walked into the room and sat next to her. “What’re you playing, Morg?”
Morgan handed him one of her dolls. “I’m playing with Peter.”
Tony felt his heart skip a beat. He held onto the doll a little bit tighter and spoke quickly so his voice didn’t crack. “Oh yeah?”
The four year old nodded and danced the doll she was holding in front of Tony. “Yeah. That’s him and that’s me and we’re bouta go on a big adventure!” She stood up to reach her arms up higher.
Tony smiled weakly, looking at her then he glanced down at the Peter doll, wanting more than anything to hold his boy in his arms again. Instead, all he got was a doll.
“Yeah? Where are you guys going?” Tony asked her, quickly wiping a tear that fell from his eye. He would give anything to have his children meet and play together.
Morgan jumped back onto the carpet, sitting on her bum. “I’m gonna go up to heaven to bring him back down to you, daddy.”
Tony looked down at the doll in his hands that he just realized he had been holding as if his life depended on it. He let go of it a bit so it didn’t break and reached over to gently squeeze Morgan’s ankle. “Peter isn’t dead, Morg.”
“But…” Morgan frowned. “Then why doesn’t he get any bigger?”
“What do you mean?” He asked, confused.
Morgan played with her doll as she spoke. “All the pictures on the wall. He’s a baby. He doesn’t grow any bigger because he’s in heaven and in heaven everyone stays the same age forever so they’re happy.”
Tony was trying to stay strong so he didn’t break down in front of Morgan. She’s seen enough of that from him for a lifetime. “Because… I don’t know where he is.” The scary truth was that Peter could in fact be dead. Their baby could be dead and they didn’t even get to bury his little body.
Morgan jumped back up to her feet. “That’s why we’re gonna fly up to the sky to pull him down from the clouds, daddy.”
That was something Tony considered doing himself if it was possible. He was already willing to trade his own life for Peter’s but Peter was what kept him alive and kept him going. Even the tiniest bit of hope that he was still alive, that was all he needed.
He considered it many times before but he wanted to see Peter again in this lifetime.
Morgan frowned when she saw Tony’s face. “I wish he could come back so I could meet him, daddy. I don’t like seeing you and mommy so sad all the time.” She sighed and rubbed at his back.
He pulled her in for a hug but it wasn’t like hugging Peter. She was bigger than him now. She was past the age he was when they last saw him. Tony wished he could be stronger for her but his heart was ripped in half.
Half of him died the day Peter was taken from him and each day that passed and he doesn’t get to hold Peter in his arms again is yet another part of him that gets ripped out so he was left broken and in pain.
Tony stood up and laid Morgan in her bed. “Close your eyes and dream of something nice.” He whispered, caressing her face.
She smiled at him. “Tell me a story of him, daddy.”
Tony was running out of stories. He only had three years of memories. Even a lifetime wouldn’t be enough. “Let’s see,” He thought of one and began. “Alright. When your older brother was born and was a tiny tiny little baby, your mommy had to leave one day for a few hours and I was left alone with Peter and all he wanted was his pacifier but I couldn’t find it anywhere and I remember I was so stressed, running around the house, trying to find it while he cried in his baby swing. I couldn’t find it anywhere, but then,” Tony paused for anticipation.
“I eventually gave up trying to find the pacifier and I walked over to him and I picked his little body up and as soon as I was holding him in my arms, he stopped crying. It turns out, he didn’t even want his soother, he just wanted his daddy.”
Morgan forced her eyes open, wanting to hear more of the story. “Really?”
Tony nodded. “Yep. So I held him close and rocked him in my arms until he fell asleep.”
“I like that story.” Morgan yawned and rubbed at her eyes. “I’m gonna dream about him tonight, daddy.”
“I hope you do.” He hoped Morgan’s dreams were a lot kinder to her than his own nightmares he had almost every night. He couldn’t escape them, Peter was on his mind every single second of every single day so it made sense for Peter to make an appearance in his dreams. It was the only place he got to see his beautiful face again.
On the rare occasion he had a happy dream of Peter, he never wanted to wake up because those nights, his dreams were better than reality.
He left Morgan’s bedroom and leaned against the wall, digging his fingers into his eyes to try and stop the tears but he couldn’t. He wanted to go home. He felt uneasy living with Pepper’s parents in Malibu because it was the furthest away he felt from Peter. It was hard.
Doing everything was hard without Peter. Living was hard without Peter by his side and getting to watch him grow up.
Tony wanted to watch him grow up. He was missing out on his child’s life. He wiped at his face and quietly opened the door to his and Peppers bedroom but he saw Pepper lying in the bed with her back to him, looking at pictures of Peter and shaking with her silent cries.
He closed the door quietly and ran down the stairs, not even bothering to put his shoes on before opening up the back door and walking down to the beach. It was dark out and no one was around so he took advantage of that.
Tony ran over to a tree, braced himself against it as he threw up, emptying his stomach onto the grass. He was sick with grief. He missed Peter so much he felt like he couldn’t go on anymore.
He felt like he was going to die but everyday he woke up and he wasn’t dead but part of him always wished he wouldn’t wake up. That he could finally die and be at peace with Peter.
That never happened though.
Tony wiped at his mouth and stood up. He wished one day he could take Peter to this beach but that day wasn’t going to be tomorrow or the next day or the next.
He sat on the sand and looked up at the stars.
The worst part was the not knowing. As hard as it would be, if Peter was dead and was in heaven like Morgan insisted he was, he wanted to know. He wanted to know when and how he died. He would want that closure instead of this.
Instead of thinking about every single possible situation that Peter could be in. Was he sold into child sex slavery and was terrified, alone and in pain all the time? Tony often thought about that. It was the only possible solution he could think of.
He had Natasha get the FBI to investigate child pornography on the website to see if any of the boys were Peter. He couldn’t do it himself but there was a chance Peter could be one of the kids subjected to that.
Unless Peter was already dead and his tiny three year old body was buried somewhere no one was looking. That scared Tony to think about how Peter ended up that way and why? He wondered if someone kidnapped his baby to rape him only to murder him right after. He didn’t know and he might never know.
He picked up a stick in the sand and weakly threw it, too weak and in pain to care about anything but his baby boy. He wanted Peter back. He wanted to scream at a god to give him his Peter back, healthy and safe in his arms.
He couldn’t live like this anymore.
Peter would be eight years old. That meant he missed five birthdays. Five days he didn’t get to buy Peter gifts or watch him blow out his birthday cake candles and make a big wish that Tony would make come true.
He didn’t get to do any of that.
He was robbed of a life with his youngest son.
Tony never understood how powerful love could be until his boy was taken from him. He never understood how painfully excruciating love could be. He had three children but was only able to hold and get to love two of them.
He wouldn’t wish that agony on his worst enemy.
There was all this love he had to give but he was missing one of his children, he was grieving one of his children.
Tony looked out onto the water. It was so peaceful to sit there with no distractions but at the back of his mind, he always thought of Peter and how much better everything would be with him. How much better life would be with Peter. He was aching for him back.
He just missed his boy so much.
Tony eventually got up and walked back into the house. They had been living at Pepper’s parents house for a few months now.
Although Tony had been travelling back and forth a lot, between New York and Malibu just in case any new leads popped up on Peter but he knew it was unlikely now… he just didn’t want to admit it.
Not to himself and not to anyone.
He felt like he was giving up when he was in Malibu or anywhere but New York for that matter. New York was the last place they saw Peter and even though Peter could be anywhere in the world at that moment, Tony still didn’t like to leave their home.
He walked into his and Pepper’s bedroom and sat at the edge of the bed. He thought Pepper was sleeping so he didn’t say anything to her but apparently she was wide awake. Just like most nights.
Sleeping was incredibly difficult for the both of them. As everything else was.
“Where were you?” She asked, turning over in the bed to glare at the back of Tony’s head.
Tony stared down at his lap. “Uh, I just um,” He cleared his throat, feeling it crack if he spoke again. “I was at the beach.”
Pepper sat up in bed and turned the lamp on and that’s when Tony looked on the floor and saw a picture of Peter lying there. It was almost like Peter was giving him a sign, telling him that he was okay and Tony could rest now but then that would mean that Peter was dead and Tony wasn’t going to settle for that.
He wasn’t going to stop until he had Peter back in his arms. Alive.
He picked up the picture and immediately the tears were pouring down his face. Tony stared into his baby’s big brown eyes but he couldn’t do it anymore.
So he stood up and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and completely breaking down. He turned the shower on to block out his crying but he didn’t have the energy to shower.
Once he gathered himself enough to walk out of the bathroom, Tony made a beeline for the bed and grabbed Peter’s picture off the nightstand to stare at it until he fell asleep.
Pictures were the only thing he had now.