Chapter 2
"What is there somethin' on my face?" Sam called, completely unaware of Bucky's inner argument with himself. Sarah laughed and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, a whole lotta ugly." She snarked back before turning to look at Bucky. "I know you think the opposite though," She hinted for only Bucky to hear. Sam watched his sister and his friend skeptically, he had to forget his jealousy and try not to dwell. Although it hurt.
"Sarah- I- I cant... I shouldn't be thinking this..." He whispered, venom and self loathing in his voice. "I- I'm not allowed to be.. you know..." He sighed, running his flesh hand through his hair.
"Only person telling you that is yourself." She responded simply. Sarah could see it in the man's eyes he was fighting with himself. She remembered having an extremely similar conversation with Sam when they were younger, it hurt seeing such strong self denial in people she loved.
"Its just... A lot to come to terms with.." He sighed. "Everyone already hates me from the Winter Soldier, I don't think i want them hating me for being gay too..." He whispered, making sure to keep his voice quiet enough that only Sarah could hear him. He always felt so comfortable around her, like she was the sister he hadn't gotten since he left for war in the 40's. "It was different back then, i could pretty much be killed for it... Then you go to war and have hidden hook ups here and there, its all 'don't ask don't tell'..." He rambled, stomach churning.
"The type of people who'll hate you for being gay are the same type if people who hate me and Sam for being black. It's something you've just gotta live with nowadays, y'know? Trust me, a lot more people will love you rather than hate you. Focus on the love for a change, it'll do you some good.
Bucky sighed and nodded. "Even if- if - i had certain... feelings... for him, he barely tolerates me. There's no way that'd ever happen." He rolled his eyes, biting on one of the 5 nails he had. " If ." He reiterated, just to be sure. It was total bullshit, he was head over heals for the man, but he refused to admit that. Yet. He was a wreck, he barely felt comfortable being in that home because he was so terrified of having a nightmare, the possibility of a flashback triggering him to the Winter Soldier and possibly hurting Sam, or worse Sarah or AJ and Cass. Interrupting their sleep with his screaming and thrashing fits, or random dissociation periods when his brain hit him full force with memories he didn't know he had. Not really boyfriend material at that time, if you ask him.
"Well... if you do then, take a leap. Either way he'll catch you." Sarah replied simply with a shrug. She wasn't as apt to understanding peoples' emotions as her brother was, but she knew how to be down to earth and subtle. She leaned over and pulled the fridge open, taking out some food so she wouldn't be conspicuous. Although, it was a bit too late. Sam was watching them from the corner of his eye even now. He wished he could be in Sarah's position.
Bucky took alone tine to let her words sink it, the uneasy feeling ruthless in his stomach. He slipped outside and onto the boat, sighing with a small smile at the warm golden glow that painted the sky and world around him.
Sam finally got up and walked into the kitchen. "Is he upset?" He asked to the side. Bucky was often all he talked about and thought about besides his new responsibilities with carrying America's name on his shoulders.
"He's okay Sam, just got a lot on his mind. Pretty sure he went out on the boat-" She smiled softly looking out the window, seeing his silhouette through the sunset, the warm lighting shining off the exposed metal arm. "You could go talk to him, i'm sure he would love your company." She smiled wider and winked at him, whipping a towel at his chest half heartedly.
Sam flinched back and cross his arms over his chest with a scuff. "Pretty sure he'd like yours a lot more." Sam muttered but he relented, slipping a jacket on before heading outside. He didn't say much as he stepped up in the boat and sat a ways away from Bucky. Maybe 5 feet. "Hey,"
Bucky looked behind him hearing the foot steps and Sam's sweet sweet voice. "Hey," He offered a small 3 fingered wave. "Oh- Uh... I wanted to say thanks... For uh- letting me stay here." He muttered, glad it was dark enough outside for the light blush to be concealed.
"You're fine, that's what family's for, right?" Sam replied with a friendly shrug. He clasped his hands between his knees, focusing on wringing his fingers and not the warmth he felt in his cheeks. "You know you gotta work in that starin' thing, keep staring at the sun like that and you'll go blind." He tried to joke to distract himself.
Bucky cracked a smile and let out a breathy laugh. "I think there's far prettier things i could stare at." The words tumbled out of his mouth before he realized what he was saying, his eyes on Sam now with a deep blush coating his cheeks.
"Yeah the water gets really pretty this time of da- uhh," Sam felt any and all forms of stupid; with one glance he could see the rosy color of Bucky's cheeks and suddenly the man's accidental flirtation was obvious. He didn't know what to say and gulped. "Uh, yeah-"
Bucky looked down bashfully, his cheeks on fire. "Yeah..." He whispered. God, he felt so bad at this. 80 somethin years out of practice. "Uh-mm... Can i tell you something-? Only Sarah knows... And Steve..." He mumbled. His heart was pounding, he didn't even come out to Sarah, he just didn't deny when she asked if he was into men.
"Yeah- yeah sure go on ahead-" Sam spoke quicker than his thoughts were and his words came out rushed and jumbled. He cleared his throat in a low rumble and focused on the glistening waters ahead of him although he wished he could just stare at Bucky all day. The one person he found more beautiful than anything else. He was glad Bucky had something else to talk about lest he'd probably say something he'd regret. "I'm all ears."
Bucky took a deep breath and sat down so he was facing Sam, ringing his hands together. "I... Am.. uh- I'm gay..." He forced out, keeping his head down as he fiddled with his fingers.
A spark of hope could be seen in Sam's eyes which he hid well behind stoic understanding. Just because Bucky's gay doesn't mean he's into you , He had to remind himself mentally. "Join the club." He tried to joke although it sounded forced.
Bucky chuckled and nodded. "Yeah. Its uh- A lot easier now a-days i guess.. Not really being threatened to be killed for it anymore." He tried to seem light hearted despite the darkness of the sentence. He let them fall into silence for a minute, gazing at the way Sam's face glowed in the sunset. "Way prettier than a sunset..." He whispered, blushing lightly.
Sam nodded in agreement, although he frowned slightly in understanding. He knew Bucky witnessed first hand the horrors of not only war but homophobia on top of that. It only added in how much damn respect he had for the man. Sam could feel his skin warm up even worse hearing the.. complement? Flirtation? He didn't know what to call it. "...You playin' with me?"
"No.." He whispered, looking into Sam's deep brown eyes. "I... Fuck... You're- Yeah-... I.." He ended uo stumbling over his words, laughing at himself. "Jesus christ, 'im 90 years outa practice and last time i tried this it was with a chick.." He joked.
Sam played this situation out in his head too many times to count simply because he believed it was an impossibility. Now he was both pleasantly surprised and practically speechless. "I uh- wait so you-" Sam pointed at his own chest, then toward Bucky, then back.
Bucky sighed out a laugh and nodded. "Yeah... Yeah." He blushed darker, an anxious smile on his face.
This was too good to be true. Sam couldn't believe it, so he wouldn't. "...Did Sarah put you up to this?"
"She gave me the courage to do it-" He ensured with a small chuckle. "She didn't have any say in this, this is all me. You and me."
You and me . That struck something in Sam's heart. "I- I kinda uhm- well shit, I probably sound like some sixth grader-" Sam continuously cut himself off. He imagined if he ever confessed it would be expertly hidden through some joke or jab, but now all his confidence was lost.
Bucky laughed once again. "God were so pathetic..." He half-joked. His heart raced and keened at the fact that this was actually happening . He inched closer to Sam, glancing down to his lips then back to his eyes. "Sam...?" He asked softly.
Sam unconsciously moved closer, leaning in slightly without even thinking of going back. This would either be the best decision he'd make in his life, or the worst embarrassment he'll ever feel. Right now, to hell with the risks. "Yeah..?"
Bucky didn't use his words, just leaned in and connected their lips. It was soft, sweet, hesitant. Sam's lips felt like fire against his, sparks flying through his body. He hoped this wasn't a mistake, that he was reading Sam's body language and words correctly.