Chapter 1
That night it happened again.
He didn’t intend to fall asleep, but at this point he was so tired he couldn’t keep his eyes open no matter how hard he tried to fight it. He hadn’t slept in almost 3 days. 3 very peaceful days. He intended to keep that streak, but the minute he closed his eyes it happened. He was back there again.
When he woke up it was 5 am, he had only slept for a few hours. If that’s what you could call sleep anyway. His forehead and chest were covered in sweat and he was breathing rapidly.
He’s been having these nightmares ever since they defeated Loki and he got free of his mind control.
They were always the same. Same beginning, same ending and same middel. And yet he never got used to them. Everytime he wakes up screaming with sweat all over his forehead and chest and the same irregular breathing.
It started with Loki. It was always Loki. Clint still wished he could’ve put that arrow in his eye. The God always ordered him to kill the Avengers. And everytime he tried, but he only ever manages to kill one of them. That could be anyone, didn’t matter how strong or powerful they were, he always killed them. Steve, Tony, Bruce and even Thor. Everytime after he kills an Avenger, Loki shows up again, releases his control over Clint and shows him what he’s done, with an evil grin on his face. Then he wakes up again.
But those aren’t the worst ones.
The worst ones are the ones where he kills his partner. Natasha Romanoff. Nat. There was one time when he had just killed her with multiple arrows through her chest, but after that Loki didn’t show up. He didn’t wake up. Then he started to panic, thinking that this wasn’t a dream after all and that he had actually killed his best friend. When he lost her pulse and still hadn’t woken up yet he started to cry. He held her head on his lap, stroking her hair gently. How was he going to explain this to the other avengers. Then Loki had finally showed up, clapping his hands, like he was proud of what Clint had just done. The grief in Clint’s face turned into stone cold anger and he tried to attack Loki. The next moment he was in his bed again. Pretty sure he had been screaming, because his throat was extremely sore.
The team doesn’t know anything. At least for as far as he knows. He hadn’t told them and definitely wasn’t planning on. He could handle this alone. At least that’s what he keeps on telling himself. Also he’s afraid of what the other will think if he tells them. What if they think he’s weak because he can’t get over some nightmares. If he couldn’t even get over his nightmares, how could he ever be an Avenger. He barely comes out of his room, afraid to actually kill his friends. The one time he does come out is when he has to. Like for food, but mostly just coffee from the pot. When he’s having a rough day (which is now almost everyday) he pours some of Tony’s most expensive whiskey with it.
Since it was 5 am, Clint didn’t expect the rest of the Avengers to be up already. He decided to get some of that coffee, and shoot some arrows on the range to take his mind off his problems. When he got a reasonable amount of coffee into his system he was still tired, but a little better then when he woke up.
He made his way to the range, expecting to find it empty, but when he approached he heard voices down the hall. By the time he recognized them as Natasha and Steve it was too late to turn around as they had already spotted him.
“Barton, hey, over here.” Steve shouted from across the room. It’s way too early for Clint to be interacting with people as energetic as Steve Rogers, but he is there now, so he didn’t really have a choice. He started walking over to them, while mentally preparing himself to socialize.
“Hey guys, what are you doing up so early?” he asked with the nicest tone he could get himself to use at this hour.
“Could ask you the same thing.” Natasha said with a more serious tone, that he did not expect at all. He looked questioning at her.
“Excuse me?” He spoke with the same serious tone as she did. They looked intense in each other's eyes.
“When was the last time you slept all night?” she asked next. Steve was standing next to her, like the whole plan was to wait for him at the range and question his current lifestyle.
“I don’t know where you’re going for this, but I don’t have time for your game of 20 questions, Natasha.” He answered and started to turn around when a strong hand grabbed his shoulder and turned him back to face them.
“Alright, let’s hear it, what’s going on with you two?”
“We’re fine, it’s just that-“ Steve started but was cut off by Natasha.
“Why don’t you tell us what’s going on with you, Clint.” she said with a firm voice.
“We’re worried about you, Barton. We’ve barely seen you since we defeated Loki and JARVIS said that you barely slept 10 hours this week.” Steve tried at a softer tone.
“You ask Stark’s toy to track my sleep, only to confront me with it later?” That was just straight up invading his privacy. It was true, but that didn’t mean that they could just spy on him and use it against him. He was just about done with this interrogation.
“So that was the plan, huh, you don’t see me for a while, ask JARVIS to stalk me and then wait at the range for me to show up and do what, exactly? What is it that you’re trying to accomplish here?” he said looking them in the eyes, not even trying to hide his tired but annoyed looking face.
There was a minute of silence after that.
“Huh? Now you’re silent?” Clint said. “Clearly I’m fine so thanks, but I don’t need your help.”
They said nothing. Natasha was still looking at him. In a way like she was looking through his soul, but she said nothing. Cap just looked worried for Clint, like he clearly knew that Clint wasn’t fine, but didn’t really know what to do.
“So if you don’t mind, I’m going to shoot some arrows now.” Clint walked past them and could almost feel their eyes burning on the back of his head.
When he was halfway there, he felt a wave of dizziness and much needed sleep catch up to him. He stumbled and looked for a wall to lean on, but there weren’t any. The world was spinning around him and it became harder and harder to keep his eyes open.
Steve and Natasha looked concerned as Clint stumbled towards the range.
“Clint? Are you alright?” Steve asked when the archer almost fell.
“I’m fine, Cap. I’m fi-”
The next moment he fell onto the ground, unconscious.