Chapter 14
After we've eaten, Michelle and I go to get myself some underwear and bras. "So... Gonna get anything... Naughty?" She teases and I snort softly, rolling my eyes as I get normal stuff.
"No. I'm going to get plain stuff to make laundry easier."
"If you say so. I got the card so I'll pay."
"Whatever, dude." I take the hair tie out and run a hand through my hair, having the cashier ring up the stuff I got. "Kinda hilarious how the guys stayed outside," I chuckle and put the hair tie on my wrist.
"Yeah," She scoffs and I lean against the counter, looking out the door to see what else was nearby. She takes the opportunity to get me more stuff and pays before I notice. "Alright. Let's go check out those books, ya nerd," She smirks and I scoff, heading out with her.
"Took you guys long enough," Peter scoffs and I roll my eyes as Michelle takes the bags from me.
"I am fully capable of carrying my bags, y'know?"
"I don't care. Besides, you're probably going to geek out and get a lot of books. Right?"
"Not gonna answer that." Morgan laughs and I smile a bit, ruffling her hair. She smiles at me as she fixes her hair and I run a hand through mine again, getting used to having it again.
"What are you gonna get, anyway?" Bucky asks and I shrug a bit.
"Books on other languages."
"There are apps for that now, y'know?" Happy points out and I shrug a bit.
"Didn't know that. Um... Fantasy and history books, I guess. Anything that looks interesting. I don't know." I look through the book store with Morgan staying close to me and I'm so focused on finding books that I don't notice people staring at me.
"Hey." I look at the group of people that had walked up to me and wave slightly, arms full of different genres of books. "Can we get a picture? Your hair and tats are cool."
"Uh... Sure...?"
"Sweet!" They pull out their phone and I crouch slightly to take a picture with them, giving the camera the peace sign. "Thanks, dude!"
"No problem... Have a good one."
"You too, mate!" They leave and I look at Morgan.
"That was weird."
"Yeah... You find some more?"
"Yeah! These look cool!" She shows me and I nod, adding them to the still-growing pile in my arms. "Is that enough?"
"Um... Probably. I'm gonna grab two more real quick." I look around and find two on American sign language, grabbing them carefully. "OK. Ready to check out." I give her a thumbs up and she smiles, heading to the counter where the others were waiting.
"Got enough books?" I shrug a bit and carefully give the cashier the books, noticing Peter texting on his phone.
"That all today?" I nod and Bucky pays with Tony's card. "Alright. Have a good day. Oh, and your outfit looks great, by the way." They smile at me and I smile back a bit.
"Um, thanks... Have a good one." I take my bags and head back to the car. "That was weird too..."
"Yeah." Morgan stays close to me and I offer her my hand that's holding a bag. She takes it and squeezes it slightly to keep me grounded. "What book are you going to read first?"
"Dunno yet."
"Mr. Stark says that your suit's design is done and that it'll be at the Compound by tonight at the latest," Peter says as we get in the car and I turn to look at him.
"Seriously?" He nods and I buckle up as I turn back in my seat. "Huh. That was fast." I look through the books a bit and push my hair out of my face again.
"You know how to drive a car?" Peter asks and I look at him.
"I almost crashed the truck into the garage when we first stopped in Boulder for Christmas. So... No."
"What's space like?" Happy asks and I shrug a bit.
"Cold all the time and no way to tell that time's passing unless you have a wrist com on." He nods and drives, parking in front of the Compound.
"Thanks, Happy!" Peter climbs out and I grab my bags before carefully climbing out.
"Thanks, Happy. Later." He waves slightly and drives off to park the car once we're all out. We head back upstairs and Morgan looks through some of the books I got.
"These all look cool! How are you going to choose which one to read first?"
"Not sure. Grab one and start reading, I guess." She nods seriously and I smile a bit, finding her amusing. The elevator stops and I take my bags to my room with Michelle and Peter's help.
"We should've gotten you stuff to decorate your room," He says as I work on lining my books along the wall for now and I shrug.
"It's cool. I'll find a way to decorate it later."
"Mr. Parker, you're all requested in the living room with the others."
"OK. Thanks, JARVIS." We head back out to the living room and I had brought a book, sitting in a chair.
"You got clothes. And books. And shoes. Anything else you need?" Tony asks and I think.
"Probably a doctor's appointment to get whatever medicine I might still need. Um... A phone, too, I guess." He hands me a new phone that looks similar to a holopad and I stare at it for a moment before taking it.
"That's mainly for missions. Here. This should work for anything else." He hands me a smartphone and I take it. "I couldn't find an iPhone so you got an Android."
"Thank fuck. Apple products suck ass." I look at the phone for a moment before setting it on my leg next to the phone for missions and he looks at me.
"Alright. JARVIS. Scan, please."
"Medical scan underway, Sir." A thin blue light slowly passes over my body and I hold still, not sure what else to do. "The last physical on record was when she was three. Asthma, seasonal allergies, medicinal allergies, latex, adhesive bandage, and tape."
"The tape and adhesive bandage stuff were mainly because of being a newborn and I'm not sure why skin came off. But, nothing happens now when I use them."
"Alright. You also had a slightly elevated heart rate when you came into the compound and other factors from a recent panic attack. Anxiety as well?"
"Yeah. Um... Doctors gave me five different inhalers, nasal spray, two allergy medicines, a pill for anxiety, and a steroid to help with asthma, I guess. Can't remember the names, though."
"I have the list of them. I will send a request to the facilities doctor as well as the medical scan and files, Sir."
"Sounds good, JARVIS. See about getting an appointment so we can get something for the ADHD too, yeah?"
"Of course, Sir."
"I don't need anything for DAVED, though."
"To be safe," He says simply and I roll my eyes. "That phone has the best app for language learning on it and the subscription is taken care of." I nod a bit and he nods too. "Alright. That's it for now." He claps and I grab the phones, standing.
"I'm gonna go put the clothes up, then." I go to do that and listen to Dad's music as I do, humming softly along with it. I use the pocket knife to cut off the tags and set it down before I use it for something else, hurting so much. I fold the socks, underwear, shorts, and bras and put them in the dresser while I hang everything else up.
I sit on the bed once I'm done and sigh softly, looking at the books before I turn the music off. I sit against the headboard and start to work with the language app, not wanting to read right now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is currently six in the evening, Miss. You have been in here for a majority of the day and haven't eaten or drank anything. This is your reminder to do so," JARVIS says above me and I jump a bit.
"Oh. Thanks, JARVIS. Um, you don't have to call me Miss, though."
"What would you prefer I call you?"
"Uh... Raz?"
"I can do that. This is your reminder to eat and drink something, Miss Raz."
"It's a start. Thanks, JARVIS." I stand carefully and still get lightheaded, catching myself on the wall before I fall over.
"Your blood sugar is much too low. I will let Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers know since they are in the kitchen."
"No, no. It's fine, JARVIS. Just... Just give me a few seconds and I'll head to the kitchen, alright?" He doesn't respond and I let the lightheadedness pass before I go to the kitchen.
"We should've gotten you a mini-fridge, too," Steve says drily and I shrug a bit as I hide a slight wince at his tone, grabbing a soda. "JARVIS. How's her blood sugar?"
"My blood sugar is none of your business," I respond simply as I twist open the soda and take a drink, leaning against the counter.
"It is when you don't seem to care about it. JARVIS?"
"JARVIS, it's none of his business so don't tell him." I glare at Steve and he glares right back.
"It is damned well my business!"
"It damned well isn't!" We start yelling at each other and don't notice Bucky.
"Her blood sugar was frighteningly low when I reminded her to eat and drink, Sergeant Barnes. It is getting better."
"Thank you, JARVIS."
"What the Hell, dude?"
"You said it was none of Captain Rogers's business and not to tell him. You said nothing about Sergeant Barnes." I glare at Bucky and he looks at me calmly.
"What you feeling for dinner?"
"I've suddenly lost any appetite I did have." I leave the kitchen with my soda and slam the door to my room hard, locking it before getting changed into pajamas. "JARVIS, please don't tell them anything about my health unless I give you permission or it's life-threatening."
"What if Pietro asks?" I sit on my bed and finish my drink as I think about that, not sure how to respond right away.
"You can tell him if he ever asks..."
"Alright." I hold the bottle and think, sitting against the headboard again.
"Hey, JARVIS?"
"Yes?"
"Do you know if he... If Pietro likes me?"
"As a friend or as something more?"
"More..."
"It has been a very long time since I have seen him, but yes, I believe that he does. Why?"
"I don't have the best of luck with men..."
"So I have heard. I apologize for your losses."
"I hate that phrase... I never know how to respond..."
"I apologize."
"It's alright..."
"However, the Maximoff's were exposed to the infinity stone, which is how they got their powers. It also gave them the same level of immortality that you have."
"It did?"
"Yes."
"Huh... OK... Thanks, JARVIS."
"My pleasure, Raz. Good night."
"Night, JARVIS." I go back to learning the language, moving into a more reclined position in bed, and end up falling asleep at around three in the morning.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't leave," I gasp as I sit up, grabbing for no one, and look around, panting. "JARVIS?"
"Yes?" I let out a sigh of relief and breathe slowly.
"What time is it?"
"Three-thirty in the morning, Raz. You have slept for twenty-two minutes."
"Great..." I sigh and rub my face before I swing my legs out of bed.
"Where are you going?"
"Kitchen... Not gonna be able to go back to sleep..." I quietly open my door and walk to the kitchen. "Is anyone else on this floor?"
"No. This is your personal floor. All of the Avengers have one. This kitchen is not stocked, however. Would you like to take the lift to the main kitchen?"
"Yeah, that sounds good..." I go over to the elevator and he takes me to the main kitchen. "Thanks, JARVIS."
"My pleasure, Raz." I get off of the elevator and quietly go toward the kitchen, opening the fridge to see what was there.
"You know, Steve would be very smug if he caught you sneaking food." I turn to see Bucky sitting at the island and he quirks an eyebrow at me.
"Yeah, well... It's his fault I didn't eat in the first place... He pissed me off..." I close the fridge and open the freezer. "Whose ice cream?"
"Get two spoons and we can share it." I grab it and two spoons, closing the freezer with my foot before going over to him. He takes a spoon and opens the container before we start eating it with me leaning on the island across from him. "Can't sleep?"
"I slept for twenty-two minutes according to Jarvis. That's sleeping."
"No it isn't, but OK. Wanna talk about it?" I just eat the ice cream and he eats with me, waiting patiently as he stares at me. I go around and sit on the stool next to him so we can continue to eat the ice cream together. "I have all night."
"OK. Good for you," I say harshly and he raises an eyebrow at my tone while I start to eat the ice cream more violently, heart tightening as everything from yesterday weighs down on me.
"Rogue-"
"That is not my name anymore!" I stab the spoon through the ice cream container as my eyes glow and he raises his hands slightly.
"Alright, sorry. That's my bad." I clench my jaw and turn away to look at the ice cream, lifting the spoon to come back with the whole container dangling off of it. "Damn. What that ever do to you?"
"Not funny."
"Sorry. You sure you don't want to talk about it? I really do have all night." I take the spoon out of the container and eat a few more bites just for them to taste like cardboard, standing as I push it away. I start to head to the elevator and stop about halfway there.
"No. But, you can tell Captain America... He's not the only that hates me for the shit I did while I was with the Kree because I hate myself too and all of the bullshit haunts me whether I'm awake or asleep. Have a good night, Sergeant Barnes." I get on the elevator and lean against the wall as the doors close. "JARVIS... Take me back to my floor, please..." He doesn't respond and I get off of the elevator. "Is it possible to stop people from coming to this floor?"
"Yes."
"Do whatever it takes then. I want to be left alone for a while..."
"Alright." I go back to my bedroom and lay in the bed, covering up.
"JARVIS... Is there a way to put a live picture of the stars on my ceiling?" He responds by putting one there and I smile a bit. "Thank you..." I take my glasses off and fall asleep.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wake three more times through the early morning before giving up at five and putting my glasses on as the panic from the latest memory turned nightmare subsides. I get changed into a tank top and shorts quickly and pull on a hoodie along with my pride ally shoes before grabbing my Walkman, going to the elevator as I plug the headphones in. "Gym please, JARVIS." He takes me to the gym and I go in, wrapping my hands before beating the crap out of the punching bag while listening to my music.
The batteries die and I catch the punching bag, panting as I try to get it to work again. "Your heart rate is highly elevated, Raz."
"The asthma is pretty dormant since I've got this magic shit in me, JARVIS. I'll be fine."
"If you're sure."
"I am. Thank you for your worry. Could you let Tony know I need some batteries for my Walkman, please? And play some of the music you played yesterday quietly?"
"Of course." I set my Walkman and headphones on a nearby bench and go back to beating the shit out of the punching bag.
"Give the poor guy a break," Steve says from behind me and I respond by punching through it as it swings back toward me. "Or not," He scoffs and I take my arm out, having not meant to leave a hole in the bag.
"Thanks, JARVIS. You can turn it off now." The music turns off and I grab my Walkman, heading out of the gym.
"Hey. We need to talk," He says as he catches my arm and I look at him coldly.
"I don't need to do anything with you, Cap." I yank my arm out of his hold and go to the elevator. "JARVIS, my floor, please." He takes me to my floor and I trade my Walkman for Dad's Zune and grab my phone before getting on the elevator again, one headphone in with no music playing yet. "Main kitchen, please." He takes me to that floor and I put the other headphone in, playing the music as I put the hood up. I keep my eye on the door while I pretend to mess with my phone, music on low, and get off of the elevator when it stops, JARVIS telling me I had arrived.
I put my phone in my hoodie pocket and go over to make myself a bowl of cereal, waving slightly at the Avengers. "She broke another punching bag, despite me telling her to give it a break. What the Hell is up with her? And why is she acting all edgy emo teenager?"
"Because you can always get how people really feel about you when they think you aren't listening or can't hear them, Cap," I say simply as I sit down with my cereal at the island and start to eat in the silence that follows my statement. "Please. Feel free to continue to talk about how much of a fucking mess I am right now. I'd love to hear more of your bitching at fucking... Eight in the God damned morning."
"What's the point of the headphones being in if you aren't listening to anything?"
"Oh, I am. It's just quiet, unlike your assholeness lately."
"Excuse me?" I lift my head to look at Steve and he was looking at me like a disappointed father.
"Did I fucking stutter, you God damned dinosaur?"
"Now I see why they left you behind," He scoffs scornfully and I don't realize what I'm doing until he's suddenly flying to the other side of the room from me punching him.
"Alright, that's enough!" Tony gets in front of me and had a gauntlet on in case I decided to throw any more punches. "Just eat your cereal and ignore him." I sit back down and finish my cereal as Steve sits back down next to Bucky. I put my dishes in the dishwasher and take my headphones out, putting them in my hoodie pocket for now.
"I didn't mean that," Steve sighs and I look at him.
"You lie to your friends, I'll lie to mine. Let's not lie to each other. You meant it and I find how you don't try to hide how much you hate me refreshing, so thank you."
"I don't hate you."
"Sure as Hell act as if you do."
"I hate what you did. There's a difference."
"Not really, no. You hate what I did and just me in general. Well, news flash, Cap. No matter how hard you try, you will never manage to hate my actions or me more than I hate myself."
"Maybe if you didn't move on with your life like you didn't do anything wrong-"
"I move on with my life because I need to, not because I didn't do anything wrong. And don't worry. Everything I've done is stuck in here," I tap the side of my head forcefully and he looks at me. "And it won't leave me the fuck alone or let me sleep ever. Because when I try, I have every. Single. Fucking face burned into my brain to haunt me when I close my eyes or before I do. That's why I don't want anything for DAVED. The blends would make it so I would forget about it so I could focus on other stuff and have it come back like fucking crazy when I was done. Without them, they're always on my mind to keep me a little human. And you're right. The way I am is why they left me behind. I know it is. Because I have so many fucking voices in my head telling me that shit too so you don't need to."
-------------
"Hey! That wasn't necessary," Tony barks at Steve and it snaps me out of my stupor. I just finish my cereal and put the dishes in the dishwasher. "Hey, you alright?"
"I'm fine." I smile reassuringly and he looks at me intensely. "I'm fine. I've got stuff to do." I look at Steve and he raises an eyebrow at me. "Sorry about the punching bag. Didn't mean to do that."
"Maybe get control of your strength, then?" He scoffs scornfully and I nod.
"Great idea. Later, guys." I get on the elevator and go to my floor. "JARVIS, don't allow anyone on my floor, please."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." He doesn't respond and I sigh, going into the living room to meditate for a little bit. "Please remind me at noon to get something to eat and drink."
"Of course."
"Thank you." I meditate and struggle for a while before kind of managing it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Raz. It's noon. Time to eat and drink something." I nod a bit and drink for a water bottle I had gotten at some point during the four hours I was trying and failing to meditate. I stand carefully and head to the main floor to eat something.
"Ro- Raziah," I look at Steve as he comes up to me and Bucky was watching a bit. "I'm sorry for this morning." I look him over and can tell he's had his ass handed to him and had bawled his eyes out, coming to one conclusion.
"Apology not accepted." All noise stops and Bucky looks at me, a little surprised.
"Good, now we c- Wait, what?"
"I don't accept your apology."
"Why not?"
"Because you don't mean it and you're just doing it to make the others happy," I say simply and he scoffs.
"That's stupid."
"Y'know, as a kid here, I always tried to be like Captain America. Because he was good and kind and a hero. Even if I had to steal, I still tried my best to do good stuff to make up for it, which wasn't easy since everyone hated me anyways. I always did my best to protect people once I left too. Then... Those seven years happened and you just hate me because of it. You got any clue what it's like to have the person you always looked up to and tried to be like just hates you?"
"Ever thought I hate you for good reasons? I hated the Nazis, too. They were killers and you're a killer too."
"You think I don't know that? I don't need you here to remind me! I have all of their faces burned into my brain! I can't get a good night's sleep because of it! I try to justify it by saying it was kill or be killed and it doesn't take any weight off of my shoulders! All of the stuff I would preach to the kids, I can't follow myself! I know I'm an awful person! I've known since I was fucking ten! And no matter how hard I try, I can't get it to fucking stop because the only way for it to stop is for me to die!"
"Then why don't you just die?" He asks and Bucky freezes, glaring at him.
"You think I haven't tried committing unalive on myself? IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK! I've been trying since I was twelve years old! And every time I get somewhere with being able to handle it, something comes along and takes me back to square one! Namely YOU!" I jab my finger into his chest and he looks at me as I take a deep breath. "I've been trying to get to a place where I can do whatever I can to make up for what I did... And the people who helped me are dead... So fuck right off."
------------------
"I'm sorry for this morning," Steve repeats and I blink a few times to get out of my trance.
"Uh, alright... Apology accepted... I, uh... I gotta go... Good talk...?" I grab an apple and soda before leaving and going back to my floor, ignoring the concerned glances from the others. "JARVIS?"
"Yes?"
"Could you see if there's a way to put a rush on the anxiety medicine, please? And... See about getting medicine for DAVED?"
"Of course. I will send you a list of the medicine for your ailments and let me know which ones look familiar."
"Thanks, JARVIS..." I take a deep breath and sink to the floor against a wall, rubbing my face. Everything that made it so I couldn't sleep last night comes back tenfold and I wrap my arms around myself, raking my nails across my arms to try to ground myself but it doesn't work. My hands start shaking and I cover my ears tightly with them as I rest my forehead against my knees.