Chapter One
‘I’m not like you guys. I can’t just… get back up again.’ She was walking through that same park again, but she didn’t realize it yet. The wind was cold, and she pressed the hot cup of coffee to her lips, and felt the warmth spill down her esophagus. But there were footsteps beside her, not behind her, but beside her this time. Clint’s. His boots. His smell of coffee and the forest, and after almost a year of them teaming up, it was almost comforting to her. But, not this month. Not two years -on the month- after it all went down. She wasn’t like Tommy, or Eli, or Billy, or any of the others. They all got back up. They could all get back up after everything, she couldn’t. Kate never had any powers. She just had passion. On days like these, during a month like this, passion seemed overrated, and hope seemed like something far away.
She tried to remember that talk with Jess, that talk where the older woman said that it was going to be okay, but it was muffled in her head now with the sounds of the leaves scraping against the concrete. Kate thought it over and over and over, and she could remember the sounds of her own screaming on that night. The food she’d been keeping for the people on the streets in her bag falling against the concrete, and his hand muffling her pleas and her denial. Kate wasn’t the healing time. Her father had gotten her a therapist, thinking it would help. Maybe it would wash away the freak that he saw her as, because she was broken. She wasn’t the perfect daughter anymore, but she really never had been, that was her sister. Now she just stood out more. He thought a therapist could solve all of it, but it just made all of this feel more real and serious. All of that really happened to her. That man did what he did in this park, but she was too consumed by her own thoughts to even look up and realize.
Kate was always talkative, and she was always the one that the others looked to for some sort of hope. Not even Cassie knew about this, and Eli wasn’t in the burrow anymore, he had fled from being a hero. He also fled whatever they had, and she never really got close with anyone after what had happened, and after realizing that her father might have had something to do with her mother’s ‘death.’ She thought she wasn’t ever going to get close to someone again. Her sister left, as well. She had the ‘Young Avengers,’ -that was what they were calling themselves now, apparently- but they were treading on thin ice. She was supposed to keep everyone together, and Eli was supposed to help her with it, but he left, and now she was the only one remaining. Kate could barely even find the energy to get up again during this month. She was hopeless, and she was pretty sure it was showing, because Cass was texting her every other hour, some messages she would respond to… some she wouldn’t.
Kate never thought she’d get close with anyone again. It was impossible, not after what transpired in this park. But, she felt the sound of Clint’s footsteps beside her pause and she slowly looked up from staring down at the leaves scraping against the dirt and stone, and saw him watching her carefully. “... what?” She asked and her raven hair drifted from her ponytail, and he had a curious expression on his face. Maybe he noticed the dark circles under her eyes, those of which she’d covered -or she thought she had- with concealer. No one could know that she lost hope. No one could know what happened. She was supposed to be so strong. She was supposed to be the hero. She was supposed to be Hawkeye. Kate couldn’t call herself that, not right now.
In this situation, it was unfortunate how much of her he knew, because there was never that look of pessimism in her dark eyes. Her fingers held her metallic cup of coffee so tightly the bed of her nails were bright with pressure, and she just looked so tired. Not physically, just tired of getting up, maybe. He couldn’t decipher all of it, but he knew his side-kick. He knew Katie. “Are you okay?” Clint asked her and the stubble on his face moved with him. They both had no one. He was the walking definition of a mid-life crisis, and she was the traditional ‘rich girl,’ or everyone thought she was. Everyone saw the picture frame, but they didn’t see the cracks in the glass. They didn’t see that most of those faces were ghosts now, and the only thing left was her father, and her. Her father. Her father, the super villain.
“Just tired.” She responded and she kept walking, and eventually, she heard his footsteps behind her. Kate was dressed in all black, like she was going to some funeral. Most of the time she wore eye-makeup: Eyeliner, mascara. This month, she didn’t bother with it. If Eli was here, he would notice all of this. He wasn’t, however, and Clint was here, but no one knew. No one but Jess, but she was too busy having a life to call, or text, or visit. The Avengers were back , mostly because of their younger counterparts, mainly because of them. Clint was alive again because of her. His death -at the hands of Wanda Maximoff- was forgotten. His grave was shaved away.
She was almost surprised she’d taken up the mantle of Hawkeye before he came back, after what had happened. But, part of it just drove her, for people like her who were out there: people who just couldn’t believe there were any good humans in the world anymore. She could give those people hope, pull them out of the hole she was still crawling out of herself. She never really talked about it. Her sister attempted, before she’d left, and that was it. Her father pressured her to go to her therapy sessions and that was the only time he had ever brang it up. Her therapist was just a face, not a person, and Kate tried to remember how many pillows she’d ruined with her mascara stains.
Finally, though, Kate looked up. She recognized that bench, and that lamppost, she recognized that water fountain and that dying bed of flowers where a civilian had found her that night, and she felt sick. Just this jolt of electricity running up her spine and she looked back, and that flowerbed, that goddamn flowerbed, was where she had been found that night. Kate could almost remember the imprint she’d left in the petals of the flowers when they were still alive, and the crime scene tape, though it was open and shut fairly quickly. That man got away. There was nothing she could do about it, no one would believe a school-girl. She’d tried to track him down, after she had taken the mantle of the bow. If she had found him, she didn’t know what she’d do. Avengers didn’t kill people, so she stopped looking before she actually found him.
But seeing all of it again, realizing that she was in that park and feeling the wind on her back made her feel nauseous, and she felt Clint paused beside her again when she stopped walking. I need to get the hell out of here. She thought and she broke her gaze from that damn flowerbed and looked towards the street sign beside them: 34th street. Not too far from home, but did she really want to walk home alone during this month? In a time like this, did she want to be alone? Yes. Yes, she did. She didn’t want Clint walking home beside her. She didn’t want him to see her cry. She didn’t want anyone to see her cry. Hawkeye was supposed to be strong, but that was an expectation she just couldn’t fulfill at the moment. “... I gotta go home.” She announced and he narrowed his eyes and knitted his eyebrows together in both confusion and perplexity. He knew Katie, and this wasn’t her, not that look in her eyes. That glimmer of hopelessness.
“Katie-”
“Don’t I keep telling you not to call me that?” She asked softly, and her voice was never that soft; another thing that he noted. Her eyes were never that tired, and the constriction of her body was never that tight. She never wore nothing but black for two weeks straight, and he never saw her without that suit on -teasing about the hip gaps in the fabric aside- for such a long duration of time. He hadn’t seen her with the suit for a week and a half. Normally, after a day of school, she would nearly be jumping the fence, calling him and asking him if there were any supervillains around Manhattan that day. He always just scoffed and gave her a gist if anything interesting happened that day, and most of the time, just small crimes. But, there was such an absent excitement or true life in her face for the past week and a half. Her team-mates were too busy with their own lives to notice. Cassie had her dad back, Tommy and Billy had their true mother back, Eli had given up the stars and stripes. Vision was back in Avengers tower. Teddy was dealing with the kree-skull war, or trying to keep Billy from doing anything stupid. They didn’t have any time for her anymore.
Clint did. As previously stated, it wasn’t like he had anyone else. His brother was just a thief, he’d finally finished with his divorce, and that was really it. “Didn’t I tell you that I’m not known for my listening skills?” He smirked and she almost laughed, but she didn’t. He succeeded in breaking a small smile on her face, but that was the only hint of joy in her features. Yup. Something was definitely wrong, that was his test, telling one of his stupid jokes. Normally, she would tease him, or laugh. Nothing happened this time, she just looked back to the streets and studied the subway signs again. “Do you need a ride home?”
“I should get the most out of my metrocard.” She held up the thin plastic with another small hint of a smile and he chuckled under his breath, but there was a death in their conversation, which wasn’t the usual case. None of the usual teasing, no calling him an old man. That was really weird. She always called him a walking mid-life crisis. “I’ll see you later, Clint.” It sounded so final, like a goodbye, which wasn’t her usual genre of farewells. She didn’t notice his lack of a goodbye as she turned around and crossed over the small knoll of grass that led to the streets, and he watched her with a perplexity. She even moved differently, and he was so used to seeing that quiver on her shoulders, but now it just seemed like the weight of the world. What’s going on, Katie? There was no answer to that question, and he had a bad idea.
All of S.H.I.E.L.D’s files had been given to the Avengers when it was shut down, including all files and logs on every Avenger… and every young Avenger. And, that bad idea rang in his head. She’d been like this for almost two weeks, and he was probably the one who knew his sidekick the best. That was why he didn’t recognize the quiet, and he wasn’t exactly someone who got close to people, and he wasn’t. They’d only been doing this together for a few months, maybe three or four. But… she trusted him. She’d already confided in him so much. ‘You’re still my hero… even if you can be a jackass sometimes.’ He was her hero. That was a pretty piss-pot example to look up to. He usually woke up with a shirt covered in pizza sauce and more than a few band-aids on his face. If he really was her hero, however, then he needed to find out what was going on with her.
In his time of knowing Katie, -though, she always hated when he called her that, which meant he just did it more- she wasn’t exactly a talker. He knew what everyone else did, and a little more. And there was a bulletin with red string running across different photos in her room, and he knew it was for her mom. He volunteered to help occasionally, but she wasn’t the type of girl to take help. Her pride was too strong. He was similar to her in that way, but he took his keys from his pocket and turned them into the engine of his truck, and it revved with life. What’s up, Katie? He asked himself again and he sighed, taking a sip of his cold coffee and scratching at a bandage that laid across his nose from another fight with common criminals. They often did patrol together now, or they had. Not since the start of the month, she’d been blowing him off again and again, doing nothing but isolating herself for a reason he couldn’t find. But, again, she wasn’t the type to talk.
But, S.H.I.E.L.D had files on every Avenger, and still, that felt like an invasion of privacy. But, this was something serious, this wasn’t heartbreak over some boy, and he didn’t think it was something with her father… even if her father was a supervillain, but Clint knew what that felt like. This was something different, though. Something really, really bad. He pressed his foot on the gas pedal and felt the friction of the tires against the road and thought it over in his head. Things Katie had told him, things she’d said, and things she had not said. In the previous two weeks, it was more of the latter. The Young Avengers were in a… ditch. Ever since Eli had been exposed to have no true powers, and that mess, they’d fallen apart. Kate would put them back together, usually. She couldn’t do that at the minute. She could barely keep herself together, and he could see that, but he couldn’t see why. But, with them being apart, she didn’t have anyone else, it was just him. He felt bad for her that he was the only person she still talked to anymore, he wasn’t good enough for that. He could at least try. Not if he didn’t know what was going on with her, though. And, she wasn’t a talker.
He saw his apartment building before him eventually and pulled into the driveway, and there were still traces of those guys in those vans around the lot. He thought he had gotten rid of the last of them, or Kate had, after she’d blown a few fair of their trucks up with a new series of splodey arrows that she’d made. Usually their new arrows came from Stark or him, but she was learning her way around coding new commands into the machinery of the arrow tips, or occasionally, just strapping the smallest dose of c-4 to the metal. He liked those arrows she made more, Clint was more of a fire and explosions type of guy. She was usually more subtle. Her smile was now subtle, too.
There was a small groan as he sat up and shut the truck door behind him, and unlocked the door with his key. After those men, he’d given a little more security to the place, after they had killed almost three tenants, and deafened him, he’d even gone so far as to hire security, or… ask for it. That security was Kate, and after he’d found out that she was sleeping around in hotel after hotel each night, he’d practically forced her to take a room, anyway. It wasn’t like she didn’t have somewhere to go, but at the same time, she didn’t. There was a mansion waiting for her, the estate her father owned, her father the supervillain. Her father who had something to do with her mother’s death. Her father who pretended that nothing happened to her a year ago. She couldn’t live there anymore, not without him, not with the picture frames of her mother and her sister and her, and they were all smiling, and it was a family that he had destroyed.
He pressed his finger against the base of the elevator panel and felt it quickly drift when it started to go upwards. Clint leaned his head back against the wall and ran his fingers across his temples. Kate being so quiet and reserved was taking a toll on him, she was usually his supply of smiles for the day. Usually just her really, really stupid jokes. She was always a burst of energy, and that just wasn’t the case for the past two weeks, and he was wondering more and more. It was literally like a snap of someone’s fingers and Katie was someone that he couldn’t recognize anymore. And then, of course, the elevator stopped and he groaned audibly, spinning his fingers back in his hair with annoyance. After a moment he cracked the elevator doors open with a small grunt and saw the tip of the sixth floor visible. He climbed up and slowly shut the elevator doors after him, and took a sharpie marker from his belt. ‘Out of Order.’ He scribbled onto the metal, and saw his apartment door, and he pushed his keys in and the first thing he did was fall on the couch.
Katie’s room was above his, but he knew she didn’t really use it much, and she wasn’t in it right now. He was good at hearing those things now, thanks to the hearing aid lodged in his ear. Clint reached up and took it out for a moment, and it was all silence. Quiet. Quiet was nice, and a smirk crept on his face at the peace of mind and the couch beneath him suddenly felt very, very comfortable. There was some cold pizza on the coffee table before him that he wanted to reach for, but he was too sleepy and he quickly fell to unconsciousness.
hey, guys! can't leave notes on the first chapters of works, so bear with me :p I'm a huge fan of Hawkeye comics and I thought the darker and more serious aspects of Kate's origin story would be fun to write, and I like writing COMIC Clint, anyway, so this was just a fun little thing for me. Okay! There'll be an update in a few days probably since I've got some other works going on right now, and also, like I said consider reading Young Avengers Special (2005) #1, they talk about Kate's backstory in there. Okay, see you guys in a bit!