Back home
Sam lay awake in his childhood bedroom, staring at the ceiling. It was well past midnight, but sleep wouldn’t come. Doubts mingled with regret about his decision and the worry about his family. He had left DC almost straight after leaving the Shield behind. Rhodey’s words echoed in his mind.
“World’s a crazy place right now. People are…well, nobody’s stable. Allies are now enemies. Alliances are all torn apart. The world’s broken. Everybody’s just looking for somebody to fix it.”
The shield was better in a museum. It had been a symbol for courage and hope for so long now. But it wasn’t really the shield that had represented those things. It was the man holding it. It was Steve. Steve, who was kind, loyal, never selfish and always did the right thing.
Lying there, in the darkness of night, Sam caught himself wondering whether Steve’s decision to go back and live happily in the years he had missed while on ice was selfish of him. Of course, Steve deserved to be happy and, deep down, Sam knew that going back and marrying the only woman he had ever loved was the only thing Steve had ever done just for himself. He wasn’t sure if it could even be considered selfish at all.
Sam had lost a friend, a leader, a brother and that very man had wanted Sam to take on his legacy. He couldn’t do that. The mantle of Captain America wasn’t just something a black man could take up. People expected Captain America to be tall, blonde and blue-eyed. Steve was Captain America and he would always stay Captain America. He, Sam, couldn’t take on that mantle.
He turned over onto his side and his eyes landed on his phone. He reached for it and turned it on. The blue light flared from his hand and he squinted as his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness. There were no new notifications, but he still checked his messages just in case. Bucky still hadn’t replied. Sam hadn’t heard anything from him since Steve’s funeral. He knew Bucky was getting therapy, it was part of his pardon. He knew he had a place in Brooklyn, not that Bucky had ever invited him. He sighed and, against his own better judgement went onto the chat.
“Hey, I didn’t see you after. Are you ok?”
“Hey Bucky, I’m in New York for the weekend. Want to grab dinner?”
“Hey, I’m here for you, I hope you know that”
“Hey Bucky, please reply so I know you’re ok”
“Hey, I’m in DC tomorrow to pass the Shield to the Smithsonian. Would be good to see you there”
He had drafted many, many messages in between, but had never ended up sending them. He knew Bucky was a private person and after everything he had been through, he couldn’t blame him. But Steve had been the only person who he let close to him and now Steve was gone. Sam started typing another message.
“Hey Bucky, how are things? I had hoped I’d see you in DC. How come you didn’t show?”
Sam looked at the time and decided that 2am was not an appropriate time to send a message to anyone, let alone a very attractive guy.
He deleted the message again with a sigh and turned his phone off. He was staring at the dark ceiling again. Bucky and the legacy of the Shield weren’t the only thing on his mind. The boat, Sarah, the boys and the lack of money. And then there was Torres’ new info on a group called “the flagsmashers”. Sam rolled over, trying to make himself more comfortable, but his bed was just too comfortable. He needed sleep and he needed it soon.
He got up and pulled his thin blanket with him, lying down on the small rug in his room instead of in his bed. It felt better to lay on the harder floor. His bed was too soft. Sleep came more easily here. His dreams were disturbed. The masked man from Torres’ video had forced Sarah and the boys onto the boat which was sinking. A young Steve was waving in the background, his arm around a beautiful woman with several children around them. Suddenly, Bucky appeared, but he was back as the Winter Soldier, violent and unstoppable. The flagsmasher spoke with Rumlow’s voice. “I am inevitable.” There was a snapping and the boat disappeared, making Sarah and the boys fall into the stormy water. Sam shouted to Steve for help, but he continued smiling and waving serenely. “Uncle Sam!” Sam felt a punch to the stomach.
“Uncle Sam!” Again, he felt a punch in the stomach. He opened his eyes to find his youngest nephew Cass trying to wake him up. He laughed. “Hey, hey, hey.” His dream already forgotten, he sat up to play tackle his nephew who laughed. “Mum says, you’re supposed to come down for breakfast.” “Does she now” Sam smiled and got up off the floor. “Tell her, I’ll be down in a minute.” “Ok, but I need to go to school now. Are you still gonna be here after?” Sam nodded and ruffled Cass’ hair. “Awesome! See ya!” he responded, before dashing through Sam’s open bedroom door. Sam heard his footsteps on the stairs and then heard voices from downstairs.
He had got a bank appointment for this morning in town to try and get a loan for the boat. He heard the boys call their “bye” before there were footsteps on the stairs again. “You slept on the floor again.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement. “Good mornin’ to you too” Sam responded. “Put on something tidy. Otherwise we don’t even have to bother walking through the door. Not that we need to anyway.” “Come on, Sarah. I’m here now, it’ll work out.” Sarah only huffed in response. “You’ll see” Sam smirked. “No, YOU’ll see” Sarah mumbled before walking out of his room.
The drive to town later was almost silent, except for Sarah’s occasional huffs or “there’s no point”s. But it had to work. Other people had no problems getting money from the bank. He briefly wished he had Tony’s fortune and immediately regretted it. The last years had taken so much from everyone. They arrived early and were shown in straight away.
Sam sat down opposite a middle-aged man in a boring suit, Sarah next to him. “Sam Wilson” he said, shaking the man’s hand. “Sarah Wilson” Sarah added, introducing herself. “So, you two are here for a loan?” the man said, looking through the papers on his desk. “Yes, we are. We are hoping to do up our fishing boat”, Sam smiled and watched as the man continued looking at the documents in front of him.
“Sorry, do I know you from somewhere” the man asked, smiling at Sam. He chuckled. Maybe this was going to work. Be modest, don’t big yourself up but let this man know you’re an Avenger. “I don’t know. Do you?” He smirked, placing his elbow on the table. “I do. But where?” the man replied, studying Sam’s face. Sam couldn’t help but the feeling of triumph that was rising inside him.
The man still wasn’t getting there, so Sam helped him out, imitating little wings with his hand. “I knew it! Falcon!” The man finally laughed. Sarah scoffed, but Sam ignored her. “Yeah!” he grinned and gave him a high five.
Sarah smiled to herself, maybe she was seeing how this was working now. “I didn’t want to say anything, y’know” he continued chuckling. “I always wanted to be an Avenger” the man said, taking a selfie of himself with Sam. This was too easy.
“It’s a dream come true, y’know? Like, keeping my family’s business afloat by changin’ to a fishin’ and charter model” Sam tried to smoothly lead the conversation back to the loan. Annoyingly, the man wasn’t listening but still looking at the selfie of himself with Sam. Before Sam could even finish, the man interrupted him.
“You know what I’ve always wondered? How do you guys make a living?” Maybe this wasn’t going as brilliantly as he’d hoped. Sarah didn’t miss a beat before replying “those guys or the guy sitting in front of you tryna get a loan?” Sam gave her a look but decided not to react. This was Sarah’s fight just as much as it was his. “Both” the man responded, chuckling.
“I mean, your financials are all over the place. Is there some kind of fund for heroes? Or did Stark pay you? My condolences, by the way.” Sam once again had to keep his face in check. To be quite honest, he had never really been particularly close to Tony, but if he had, this casual way of bringing him up would definitely have upset him. “Not really, there’s a tremendous amount of goodwill involved” he replied truthfully. Sarah was watching him again with a skeptical look on her face. The beginning of this appointment had looked so promising.
“You have no income over the last five years.” Again, Sarah replied without hesitation, this time not bothering to keep the biting tone out of her words. “How can you have an income if you don’t exist.” “Sarah” Sam shot her a look.
“Uh, I’ve been gone, like several billion other people, but if you look at our plan, I have government contracts, so, that’s proof of earnings and I know for a fact that we qualify for a SBA loan” Sam replied. All of this was true. The man looked unconvinced. “Under the old terms, sure, but these days, what with everyone just showing up, well, things tightened up” he replied. “Funny how things always end up tightening around us” Sarah responded, her tone defeated. Sam gave her a look. This wasn’t over yet. It couldn’t be.
“Easy there. Look, I’m on your side. After all, he’s a hero” the man said. Sam glared at him. As much as he loved his job, this part of it was always a little exhausting. The man continued however, without any hint of embarrassment, “Is there any chance, and you could say “no”, that I could get a selfie with your arms out?” That was it. Sam was fed up of this man. “Are you serious?” Sarah gave a humourless laugh.
“Mr. Wilson. Mrs. Wilson- “- “Ms. I’m a widow.” “Ms. Wilson” Sarah was glaring at the man more annoyed than ever. “I know your family has banked with us for generations, but we cannot approve you. I’m truly sorry” he said, holding out the plan they had made. Sam was annoyed.
But more than that, he was upset. He had promised to himself and to Sarah that he would make this work. He needed this to work and for a second there he had thought that the Avengers card would work. But the man only saw him as a Black man in some financial trouble.
Sarah was already out the door before Sam caught up with her. “I don’t care if I have to go to every bank in the city, we’re going to get that loan.” “Sam, stop. I don’t want to have to deal with this again.” “Well, that’s what life is. Dealing with things.”
“You are so out of pocket for that. Don’t forget, you joined the Air Force, you didn’t see everything Mom and Daddy dealt with. Those people were never gonna help us, it’s not their job. They don’t even know who Daddy was and he was a giant.” Sarah’s voice was thick with the tears she was trying to hold back. “I don’t care. I’m not gonna give up.” He needed her to understand that he was fighting this fight with her, by her side, she didn’t have to deal with this alone.
“What are you trying to prove? And who are you trying to prove it to? I swear, after Daddy died.” And there it was. “I knew that was gonna come up.” “I never hid what I thought. You had to go off and fight armies and monsters. And I appreciate that, but you don’t get to come back here and try to right your wrongs, just because you couldn’t deal with what was going on here. You don’t know what happened these last five years.”
Sam had always known that Sarah didn’t want him to go, that she was upset about having to deal with everything on her own. But he never quite appreciated how much that had damaged their relationship and what she thought of him. He could see it in her eyes. All those years of pain. “I was all alone with two babies and I survived. I kept the boat from sinkin’” “Yeah, well, half the boat’s mine and so is the house. We’re not sellin’ our family’s legacy.” It wasn’t about the house or the boat. It was about their family, their parents and about them. “You really gonna do me like that, when you know I’m right?” “Yup”, Sam replied, grabbing a few boxes of deliveries and walking off.
He was upset and frustrated and angry. Sarah’s words had hurt but she had only said what, deep down, he already knew. It wasn’t at her that he was angry. He was angry at himself, he was angry at the bank, but most of all, he was angry at how, when everything was already tough, life just had to make it tougher.