Drunk

Bucky picked up the glass of whiskey, he let the liquid fall down his throat burning like a hot smokeless flame

He enjoyed the feeling of burn and pain shutting in his neck and stomach after he drank every drop left on the bottom of the glass. 

He can't remember when he got here,who brought him here or what was the reason he was here in the first place but no one is there to come and get him or stop him from leaving

"Man are you sure you  want another one?You have been here for two hours and you almost finished a bottle of whiskey" the bartender asks Bucky curiously

But Bucky didn’t feel the worry or curiosity in the man's tone

He heard pity. 

Bucky was sick of people speaking to him with pity and worry when he didn't ask for it. He didn't ask for people to take care of him or be worried for him. 

He doesn't deserve that. 

The tought makes him shake slightly. He pushes the glass into the bartender hand murmuring a barely audible "another one"

And the bartender didn't ask any other questions,he just pours the drink emptying the bottle. 

Bucky looks around the club, his vision was a blurry empty image. He can't really  see the figures of the people dancing nor the DJ in the back of the club chaning the songs and he can barely hear the music over the whispers in his ears. 

So Bucky ignores them and everyone around him and  he drinks.

Glass after glass until he knows the amount of alcohol in his body defeated the serum and infected his brain allowing him to feel dizzy and drunk

"Who is she?" Bucky hears a faint voice, he tries to turn his body to see who it was 

"Umm w-who she?" He mumbles circling his fingers around the half empty glass 

"The woman who brought you into this state" the bartender, who's name Bucky still doesn't know, questions raising an eyebrow.

Woman 

Woman? 

It wasn't a woman 

"He, man" Bucky manages to say 

"What?"

"It's a  he, a m-man" He replies vaguely 

"What?"

"It's a man" Bucky repeats himself 

"Oh" the tall man behind the bar says "Well he then,what did he do to bring you into this state?" 

"Nothing" Bucky laughs shaking his head "he didn't do anything"

The man looks confused at him, Bucky stops laughing for a second before he smiles 

"Wanna know what?" He asks more for himself forgetting about the bartender looking at him 

"I am gonna call him right now" Bucky  takes out his phone forming Sam's number.He doesn't know what he is actually calling for, he just wants to hear Sam's voice

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" The man asks filling a glass with a weird looking drink and handing it to a women. Bucky ignores him.He presses the call button and brings it to his ear

Beep 

Beep 

Beep 

"Bucky?"

"Saammmy you answered"

"Jesus Bucky where are you,why is the music so loud?" 

"Umm a cl-lub I don't know but I like it here, my head fells dizzzyyyyy" 

"Man are you drunk?"  

"No....yes....mayyyybeee" 

"Stay there and don't leave I am gonna be there in a few minutes"

"Wh-" Bucky gasps confused at the phone but Sam ends the call faster 

"Well just have to wait now" he laughs  slamming the drink down.

Bucky tries to  be worried about what's Sam gonna say or do but he can't manage to gather the thoughts in his head. 

He doesn't want to worry about things like how much it will hurt or what bad things will happen when he gets out of this drunk stage tomorrow morning.

A part of  his mind is still sober,clear and it's telling him that drinking, trying to be happy by covering the sadness with alchool is not something he should do 

Bucky doesn't necessarily feel happy.It's been a long time since he was drunk and he only managed to do that a few times in his life

But right now, it isn't happines the thing he feels. 

Happines is when you feel a sudden flare of joy ,you can't control your delight and you feel like your feet barely touch the ground. 

But he doesn't feel that. Bucky feels calm. It's not a describable feeling. His mind is empty, his body is standing still, not moving, he knows when he is gonna get up he is gonna fall and honestly he is tired of falling. 

He is tired of falling and not from heights. 

He is tired of falling for people who don't love him. 

At first it was Steve, they were childhood friends, he loved the man, and Bucky would have risked every part of his body for him if it was necessary.

He tried to tell him that, tell him that he sees him as more than a friend sometimes but as the time passed, Steve met Peggy. And the last hope Bucky had was gone.

Bucky knew Steve better than anyone and the way he looked at the woman was with love and admiration, Bucky didn't stand a chance but Steve was happy so it was enough for Bucky to smile when they were talking and staying with eachother

It was hard for him when Steve left but he was used to the feeling of losing so he didn't show his pain. 

And then there is Sam. Maybe he loved Steve and maybe the feelings he had for him were never going to be replaced but what he feels for Sam is different.

After Steve left them,and even before, Sam was there for him.Ask Bucky if he is okay all the time even if a second before he expressed how much he hates Bucky with his whole heart.

From the moment he saw Sam, it wasn't exactly a pretty or a beautiful moment, but something twisted in his stomach, he was being mind controlled but for a second his brain became clear and he forgot where he was. 

When Bucky looks at Sam he can feel his heart beating harder. He feels afraid but safe at the same time. Afraid of himself, of what he is feeling but safe cause Sam isn't going to leave him, of course he can't be sure of that but he knows it.

They have a lot of fights. It was their thing. Small fights with no meaning behind and then go back to talking like nothing happened and like they care for eachother secretly.

And Bucky can't help the butterflies flying on his stomach when Sam laughs or even smiles genuine and sweet at him. He wants to be with Sam all the time, hold him, hug him, kiss him, talk with him, be there to make Sam smile when he feels down. 

Bucky can't really think of words to describe Sam cause he is a lot of things. From funny and goofy to stubborn and objective 

He doesn't know what's wrong with him. He never felt this for anyone.Not the need to just feel love,happines but the need to share it.

Maybe Bucky loved Steve

But he is in love with Sam

And that scares him cause Sam doesn't love him back and he doesn't want to get his heart broken again

So yeah....Bucky is tired of falling. 

"Bucky, Bucky?" 

Bucky hears someone yelling his name, he looks up to see Sam in the club making his way trough the crowd.

Sam turns around and sees Bucky looking at him before he turns his eyes away from Sam. 

Sam walks to the bar, he presses his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and Bucky flinches away laughing 

"Youuuu didn't seee meeee" he laughs pressing his finger gently into Sam's nose like it's a button 

"Shit how drunk are you?" Sam asks slapping Bucky’s hand away

"Drunk? Who is drunk? Not me mister Wilson" Bucky answers with a chuckle scrunching his face 

"Ok get up we are leaving. Right now" Sam replies serious,helping  Bucky get up 

"Oops" Bucky laughs, his knees buckle and he almsot falls

Sam sighs and takes Bucky’s hand placing it around his shoulder,he surrounds Bucky’s waist with his arm and they start walking outside the club. 

"Noo I like it there it was iceeee" Bucky huffs when the cold air of the night hits him 

"Nice" 

"What? 

"It was  nice not ice" Sam repeats, he closes the door carefully not letting Bucky go 

"Mhm yes nice" Bucky nuzzles his face into Sam's neck inhaling the scent of Sam's fresh cologne "you smell niceee" 

"Ok yeah we are not letting you drink ever again" Sam whispers, he opens the door of the car and Bucky falls on the passenger seat, Sam walks fast getting into the car himself and he starts to drive

"Wheeere we goin?" Bucky questions raising his eyebrow 

"Home, I am taking you to my appartament, it'closer" Sam says not looking at Bucky 

"Why are you not looooking at meeee? I like your eyes they're so pleettyy and they get so tinnnyyyyy when you smile" Bucky smiles raising his hand to touch Sam's face 

"Bucky I am driving...jesus what's gotten into you?" Sam murmurs the last part more for him self 

"I don't know....but do you know what I  would like in me?"Bucky whispers looking around like somene is listening to them 

"What?" Sam asks 

"Youuuu" Bucky whispers, he throws his head back against the seat laughing.

Sam stops the car and looks weird at Bukcy like he didn't understood what Bucky just said.He did.He just doesn't want to think about it. 

They walk slowly towards the appartament, Bucky still holding into Sam almost falling with almost every step he takes.

Sam opens the door of his room and Bucky falls on the bed with a sigh. 

Sam takes Bucky’s shoes and jacket off slowly, he pulls the cover over Bucky looking at his face.

Bucky’s lips are dry, thin and the burning smell of alcohol is still there when Bucky exhales a breath or speels a word. 

But Sam can't stop. 

He reaches Bucky’s face with his hand, Sam's palm covers the blushing flushed cheeck,his thumb pressing gently into Bucky’s lips. 

Sam almost pulls away to leave and sleep on the couch when a warm hand covers his stopping him

"Stay" Bucky murmurs opening his eyes "please" he continues whispering. 

"Bucky you are drunk, I need to go and let you rest" Sam says still not moving.

His hand burns under Bucky’s touch but he doesn't dare to pull away 

"I won't sleep if you leave i just need you to-" Bucky takes a deep breath 

"Stay" 

Sam looks deep into Bucky’s blue eyes, he can't see, he looks for it, but he can't see any hint of amusement, frivolity, something that could tell him to leave

But he can't see any so he stays.He let's go of Bucky’s face and pulls the cover from the other side of the bed slowly climbing in. 

"Woooh" Sam gasps surprised when Bucky turns around, hugs his waist and hides his face into Sam's chest.

Sam looks down at Bucky to see him already looking up.

"Hello there" Sam smiles sweetly, not a smirk, not a twitch of his lips, just a genuine sweet smile.

Bucky smiles too, his eyes glancing down to Sam lips

"Your lips are so pleeettyy" Bucky whispers pouting like a child

"Can I kiss you Sam? I wanna kiss youuu..."he continues rasing his hand to touch Sam neck

The touch sends shivers bettwen their bodies. Sam thinks for a second, maybe Bucky really wants this, kiss him hold him, stay with him.

But then he sees.

The way Bucky's pupils are dilated, the white around the shining blue of his eyes is almost red and how they glow under the faint light of the room.

All due to the alcholl that filled his body and makes him think like this.

Sam can't do this. He can't kiss Bucky while he doesn't think clearly and his mind isn't in the right place.

'Bucky doesn't really want this' a voice says in the back of his head

"I can't" Sam whispers closing his eyes.

He can basically hear how Bucky’s expression goes from smiling and pouting to sad and emotionless

"Why? Am I not good enough for you? I can change Sam, I can be who you want me to be i--I love you" Bucky says,  a small tear falls from his eye on Sam's shirt

"No, I want to, I really want to trust me but Bucky you don't mean this, you..." Sam stops for a second to wipe out Bucky’s tear "what you are saying are meaningless and drunk words, you don't know what you want right now....I can't" Sam finishes his words, a  few tears gather around his eyes too but he doesn't let them fall.

Bucky doesn't know what to say. He can't speak, he can't think, he can't move everything is just blurry around him.

But he doesn't do anything about it. He just stares emotionless at Sam

"Just close your eyes and sleep" Sam murmurs, Bucky does, not knowing what else is there to do.

He closes his eyes sleepily, his head rests on Sam's chest while Sam plays with his hair.

Sam kisses Bucky’s forehead before he takes a deep breath relaxing against the pillow

"I can't..."

                               ********

"Ughhh fuck" Bucky grumbles touching his head groaning at the pain inside his brain.

'What the fuck happened'  he thinks looking around the room.

The sun shines trough the curtains and he shakes his head turning away from the powerful light.

It doesn't take him a long time to notice something else.

Sam was there.

Right next to Bucky Sam was sleeping turning around on the bed to hug the pillow and stay in a comfortable position.

Bucky hissed backing away from Sam's body carefully not to wake him up.

He closes his eyes gathering the toughts in his head trying to remember what happened last night.

He remembers calling Sam, he remembers Sam helping him to get out of the club, he remembers getting into the car and watching Sam while he drove them away, he doesn't remember any word or letter he spoke up meanwhile but the images are there in his head.

He then remembers how they got into the appartament and when he told Sam to stay, surprisingly Sam did, he can remember when Sam climbed into the bed next to him then he......

Fuck

Fuck

Bucky asked Sam if he can kiss him.

The memory hits and he stops thinking for a second

Why would he do that?

Why would he ask Sam that?

Bucky tries to blame it on the whiskey he drank but that's not what it was.
The alchool was just enough to give him the courage to ask Sam the question he meant to ask for a long while.

He puts his shoes on quickly,  grabs his jacket from the floor and goes to the door but before he opens it Sam's voice echoes into his mind

'what you are saying are meaningless and drunk words...'

Meaningless...meaningless?Bucky frowns

He meant every word he said even if he was drunk.
Or maybe Sam actually just didn't want to kiss  Bucky and he used this as an excuse...

The feeling of rejection hits him hard like a ton of bricks falling on his chest, his heart starts to beat faster and his hand starts to shake.

"They weren't meaningless"

Bucky whispers, closes the door behind him and leaves.