Drunk

Sam wakes up sleepy and grumpily to the loud noises from outside his appartament.

He blinks his eyes open, slowly adjusting to the dull light of the room and he groans wanting to be recaptured by his gentle peacefully sleep.

He stretches his body and taps his hand on the bed looking for the other men that last night had fallen asleep next to him.

But no one is there.

The sheets are messy, empty,  a slight smell of Bucky’s cologne still resting in the air, Sam can feel it thick and clear.

But Bucky wasn't there.

Sam feels his chest warm where Bucky’s head rested and slept after they  came back from the club,he feels tingles around his skin where Bucky touched him soft,smooth,he remembers Bucky’s breath shuddering against his neck when they walked down the street

He makes a weird sound in his throat at the memory that flashes trough his mind.

There is another faint image in the back of his head

'Can I kiss you?'

Bucky had asked Sam, a sad whisper,amazingly innocent eyes like Bucky was afraid of what Sam answer is gonna be.

Sam closes his eyes falling down on the pillow.

Bucky was half unconscious, he wasn't thinking clearly and Sam knows that, he knows what is it like to be drunk,out of your mind,not be able to make the right decision.

But Bucky asked Sam with such a gentle and curious voice, not like he was drunk.No.

He asked Sam the question like he was getting into bed after a long exhausting cold day and Sam's kiss was all he needed to feel comfortable and warm.

And Sam didn't say no cause he didn't want to kiss Bucky,cause if you ask Sam,he could kiss Bucky for the rest of his life.

But sober,clear minded,Bucky wouldn't just ask Sam to kiss.

Sam knows Bucky only asked him cause the alchool was jumping into his body,he probably didn't even recognize Sam and that's why in the morning when he woke up next to Sam he left.

Honestly,he was expecting it to happen,but it still hurt to know that Bucky didn't want to be there and he left before even letting Sam know he is ok.
Sam is putting toughts together into his head,to understand why was he so worried or why he cares so much about Bucky in the first place.

Somehow Sam knows the answer but he is afraid to admit it.

It wasn't hard to figure it out.

The way everything about Bucky makes him feel warm and cared for but so afraid at the same time.

He doesn't show it but Sam saw it emidiatly.

Bucky is like a big fragile piece of glass that if you touch in the wrong way it breaks and there is no way to be fixed and so many people shot that piece of glass and broke him into pieces.

There was no way that  anyone could fix that, but Sam wants to try, not fix Bucky, but show Bucky he is perfect the way he is that there is nothing that needs to be fixed, he wants to make Bucky feel the same way Sam feels about him.

He doesn't even know when it started.

This stupid crush wich he tought it will pass in a few weeks like all the people he had feelings for, nothing serious,but weeks slowly turned into months and months turned into years and Sam still gets that fluttery,nervous and ticklish feelings inside his stomach when Bucky looks his way.

When they first meet Sam didn't knew anything about Bucky, he didn't even knew the sound of his voice or what was hiding behind that black mask, but he liked something about his attitude and those terrible cold blue eyes, Sam noticed something more than the assasin Bucky was trained to be in those eyes

And Sam wanted to meet that person, the friendly loyal and sympathetic boy Steve talked to Sam about so he didn't really cared if he was gonna get hurt on his way to know the real Bucky.

Sometimes, Sam would feel nothing, distract himself from sentiments, so he could clear and normalize his emotions, stop the need to see Bucky as something more than  friend, and on others he would allow himself to blush and laugh, wide smile, right next to Bucky, find excuses to touch him just to feel his heart flutter and his stomach turn.

As much as he hates to admit it, he’s actually gone far way to come back now, even Bucky’s accent thats slipping in his voice when he talks makes Sam smile.

Sam toughts are interrupted by a loud horn sound from outisde, he sighs and gets up going to the bathroom.

He comes back quickly after washing his face and changing his clothes,he looks at the clock and sees it's almost 3 pm.
His eyes widen in surprise, he can't remember when was the last time he slept this much, most of the nights he would either have bad dreams and wake up sweating or he would be gone on some dangerous mission that wasn't allowing him to rest properly.

He sits on the bed grabs his phone looking for any new messages from Torres but there isn't any,he exhales relaxed knowing that he doesn't have to worry about the world being in danger today.

His eyes travel to the floor when he puts his phone on the nightstand and he frowns. He sees a watch resting on the cream-coloured  carpet, the watch  strap is black with silver and it shines bright cause of the light in the room.

Sam recognises it emidiatly.
Is Bucky’s watch ,he always wears it with him,it was a gift from Sam last year on his birthday.

It must have fallen last night from his wrist Sam guesses

An idea suddenly comes up into his mind and he jumps from the bed. Sam puts his shoes and jacket on with a fast movement and grabs his car keys closing the door behind him.

This could be the perfect excuse to go and see how Bucky is doing,he gives him the watch and then asks Bucky if he remembers what happened last hight and why he left without telling Sam. Not the smoothest plan he ever had but it could work

     **********

Bucky is staying on his couch watching the TV or more likely looking to it, not listening to whatever is playing on it.

It's been more than 4 hours since he left Sam's place and Sam didn't even call or sent him a message. Not that Sam would have a reason to, but he usually checks up on Bucky and Bucky is starting to get worried that Sam doesn't want to talk with him anymore

Bucky's toughts are broken off by a loud knock coming from the door, he frowns confused while he walks to see who could be looking for him.

He opens the door slowly,he freezes on his spot looking wide eyed at the door

"Hey, can I come in?" Sam asks playing with his hands and oh well who was Bucky to say no.

******

"Are you feeling ok?" Bucky hears Sam ask when they sit on the couch

'No no I am not and I am dying of embarrassment cause I didn't expect to see you today but here we are' Bucky wanted to say but it wouldn't have actually been the wisest decision

"Yeah yeah I am alright" he answers instead

"Why are you here?" Bucky asks curiously, he looks at Sam trough his eyelashes waiting for an answer

"I came to give you your watch back?" Sam smiles at Bucky

"My watch?"

"Yes your watch, it probably must have fallen from your hand last night  I think" Sam answers, his voice is a bit shaky and his hands are sweaty. He wants to open the subject but he doesn't know how, he doesn't even know if Bucky remembers what he said to Sam the pervious night

"Oh" Bucky gasps "well where is it?" He questions raising an eyebrow

"Where is what?" Sam asks finally looking up  making eye contact with Bucky.

"Umm my watch?"

Oh

The watch

He was supposed to pick up the watch from the floor before coming here

"I forgot it" Sam whispers

He can feel his face heating up with embarrassment.
How could he be so much of an idiot, his plan was perfect,come here,give Bucky the watch,Bucky would be happy and thank him then Sam would ask Bucky if he is ok, to start a conversation, and they would sit and have a talk in silence cause that was all Sam needed right now.

But he had to forget the watch home

"Well then you drove here for nothing sorry you wasted your time to come here" Bucky laughs sarcastically, above that Sam notices, the way Bucky’s face glows with regret, like he is actually sorry Sam came here and like Sam has more important things to do than waste his time for Bucky

Fuck it.

"I am not sorry tho" Sam starts to say and Bucky looks weird at him "I didn't came here just to give you the watch, I came to see how are you doing and if you remember anything from last night" the words flew out his mouth, fast and loud trying to prove that he actually doesn't regret coming here

Bucky gulps loudly trying to put pieces together in his head and form a understandable answer

"I remember" Bucky whispers "loud and clear every word and letter I spelled out"

Sam gives him a strange look,like he can't procces what Bucky just said. He remembers.Everything.Then that means...

"Oh ok"  Sam makes an o shape with his mouth trying to act cool

"Look Sam" Bucky gets closer to Sam "I am sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I wasn't totally drunk so I was slightly aware of what I was doing but I just I spoke up against my will I am sorry really please tell me you are not mad at me..." Bucky bites his lip nervously playing with his fingers, he is not looking at Sam, no, he is blushing and his eyes are a bit watery, he doenst really know why but he doesn't want Sam to see him like this

"Bucky look at me" Sam puts two fingers on Bucky’s chin lifting his head up so their eyes can meet in a look

"I am not mad at you Buck" Sam smiles gently to make Bucky see he is actually telling the truth "now..you said  you were slightly aware of what you were speaking last night?"

Bucky looks breathless at Sam, his skin feels nice under Sam’s fingers and Sam is watching him closely analyzing every inch of Bucky’s face like he is looking for the answers to an unknown question.

He doesn't know if he should answer honestly  and tell Sam that yes, he wanted to kiss Sam more than anything else he ever wanted ,that he meant it when he said 'I love you' cause Bucky does, he couldn't explain, there aren't many words to describe his love and even if there were,he is to much of a coward to tell them so Bucky couldn't explain he just...does, he just loves Sam.

And what was there to lose anyways. He doesn't have a close freidnship built with Sam, Sam already exprees how much he hates Bucky at least three times a week,maybe he isn't serious but Bucky can't know that for sure.

A tear runs down his face, there isn't a special reason for it. He just had to let it drop

"I did" He whispers barely audible and he feels Sam's fingers tense against his chin but he touches Sam and stops him before he can pull away

"I meant what I said" Bucky’s voice is shaky, his heart is beating heavily against his chest he can hear it in his ears

What was there to lose anyways....

"I mean every word, when I asked if I can kiss you, I actually wanted to do it and I wanted you to tell me yes, I meant when I said,I love you, cause I do" he looks up and see Sam listening carefully so he continues "I may not seem like it but I wouldn't just throw those words like that, like they don't mean anything.... like they are meaningless"

Bucky blinks and tilts his head remembering Sam's exact words 'what you are saying are drunk meaningless words'.

"I wasn't expecting you to say it back Sam, let's be honest it wouldn't even be realistic, I  am not somene people should love" He takes a deep breath, Sam doesn't say anything he just stays petrified and listens

"I did horrible things in my life, I ruined families,friendships and relationships just cause I wasn't strong enough to fight and die like I should have" his hands start to shake but Sam still doesn't let go of his touch

"I am not sorry for what I said cause at some point I should have told you anyway and I get why you said no, it still hurts a bit but it's not like I am not used to the pain" Bucky whispers, he chuckles ironically at the last part

"It was an illusion to think you could have feelings and love someone broken like me, I mean you are Sam Wilson,the loving hero everyone loves when they read a comic book, the guy who sacrifices his self for people and does all he can to save anyone you can have everyone in this world, you should love someone like you and not somene" Bucky stops for a second to wipe his dry tears out "somene broken who can't be fixed, a monster, ...like me" Bucky stops talking, he just ripped his heart out in front of Sam, spelling every word he couldn't bring himself to even think about telling

"Oh Bucky" Sam let's go of Bucky's face and grabs Bucky in a tight hug.

Bucky let's go of everything and sobs into Sam's chest while Sam plays with Bucky’s hair trying to calm the man, he feels so guilty and scared to see Bucky like this.

Sam didn't knew Bucky was keeping all this inside him hidden, the guilt of being the winter soldier and the regret are still trapped inside him,he doesn't even care what he came here for in the first place anymore he just wants to make Bucky feel comfortable.

Bucky can't remember when was the last time somene hold him like this while he was crying, pleasing tender, and close

He doesn't really know why he is crying, those words have been in his mind before, he knew they were real,it definently wasn't the first time  he heard them, the voices in his head made sure he knew he was a monster that doesn't deserve love but it was something else to tell this to Sam out loud

He relaxes his body attached to Sam and tried to calm his breath

"You are not a monster Bucky"Sam says softly "the winter soldier and you are different people and what he did is none of your fault, there was nothing you could do to stop it but it's all
in the past and do you know what I see when I look at you now?" Sam asks gently rubbing Bucky's back, he doesn't wait for an answer and continues

"I see a strong man who went trough hell and back and still manages to see the good in people, I see the friendly sweet boy who plays the tough fearless soldier who doesn't need anyone when actually he needs love and protection more than anyone else,you are beautiful,inside and outside, smart, kind, funny, brave and you know a lot about weapons wich can be very useful and not a bad thing" Sam takes a deep breath and Bucky smiles hardly noticeable in the crock of his neck.

Sam chuckles when Bucky inhales and exhales calming down, his breath is hot and it tickles sending shivers all over Sam's body.

Bucky takes another breath moving his head slightly so he can look at Sam.

"Hi" Sam smiles touching Bucky’s cheeks softly wiping some tears

"I am sorry" Bucky glances at the wite spot on Sam's shirt before he moves his head to lean on Sam shoulder, Sam shakes his head cracking up a smile.

Is a weird position they are in, he is leaning against the couch and Bucky is almost sitting on his lap but not quite there yet ,his face is close to Bucky’s and he can look at him with ease.

"Don't worry eveyrithing is alright" Sam replies shortly "is there anything else do you want to say or can I continue?" He asks seriously, Bucky shakes his head

"No I think I said it all, you can continue"

"Ok"

"Now first of all if I ever hear you say the words 'me' and 'monster' in the same sentence I am killing you with my own hands ok?" Sam says raising his eyebrows and putting on the serious face mood, he definently fails cause Bucky smiles but he hesitantly noods

"Second of all I would have said yes" Sam replies short and easy. He doesn't want to make long sentence and waste time when it will all lead to the same thing

"What yes?" Bucky questions looking up at Sam

"Last night, do you remember what I said after you asked if you can kiss me?" Sam tilts his head raising an eyebrow "if you do please tell me the exact words I said"

"You said 'I would Bucky i would but you are drunk you don't really mean this'.." Bucky starts to say and Sam gives him a  soft look 

"There you go, see I didn't say no beacuse I didn't want to kiss you Bucky cause man let me tell ya those lips were made to be kissed" Sam touches Bucky’s lips spreading goosebumps all over his body

"I said no cause I didn't want you to wake up in the morning and not remember the first time I kissed you or wake up regretting it like it's a stupid drunk decision you would now hate" Sam finshes his words, Bucky’s breath was long gone his whole skin felt on fire and their faces are so close he can feel the heat radiating from Sam's body

"So y-you would want to kis.." Bucky start to ask but Sam shakes his head stopping him

"This time I am asking..."Sam murmurs, he grabs Bucky’s face with his hand making Bucky raise his head from Sam shoulder and get his face a few inches closer

"Can I kiss you?"

Bucky doesn't answer.

He doesn't open his mouth he doesn't speaks, he doesn't breathe, he just tilts his head, they both looked into each others eyes and smile before finally going in for our long awaited first kiss, their first kiss.

Sam responded with such enthusiasm that Bucky was taken aback at first, but regained his composure and reminded himself of what was happening,he was really kissing Sam, he was really kissing him.

A slow and gentle,but loving,brush of their lips, no tongue, no teeth,no moving but a lot of feelings and butterflies.

Bucky slides his hand into Sam's hair slowly getting closer and closer to feel more of the electrical sensation and Sam returns the kiss eagerly caressing Bucky’s cheeck with his thumb

He grabs Bucky’s waist gently pulling Bucky into his lap breaking the kiss pressing their foreheads togheter after.

Something exploded bettwen them and neither could bring himself to ask for more at this moment.

"Wow" Bucky whispers, his eyes are closed like he is still enjoying the moment

"You can say that again" Sam replies, few inches apart from Bucky’s face

"So you are not mad at me we are ok right?" Bucky chuckles, he opens his eyes to see Sam smile

"Oh I am  very mad" Sam Says, Bucky scrunches his face in disbelief and confusion

"What why?" Bucky whispers licking his lips

"Cause you didn't asked me earlier you idiot" Sam laughs and pulls Bucky in for another kiss cause this time he can do it.