God, You're So Weird
–- Saturday --
God, everything hurts. Why is the sun so bright? What is the sun? Why is there even a sun? Who decided that it was a good idea to open the curtains? I’m dying.
“Beaaaa”
Ava croaked.
“I’m dyingyyy”
Ava whined, feeling the bed for her wife.
“Where are you?”
She tried raising her voice such that Beatrice could hear her.
Nope, too loud too loud too loud. Abort! God, I sound loud even in my own head.
With all her strength, she pushed herself into an upright position and took stock of the room.
Thank god I didn’t puke on the floor this time.
She looked at her current position on the bed and the door, before deciding that it wasn’t worth the effort to even begin to attempt getting downstairs.
Bea will come back when she is done. Now where is my phone?
She turned to the bedside table and grabbed her phone off it.
Nope, too fast too fast.
She clutched her head as the lightheadedness set in. Unlocking her phone, she saw that there was a text message from Beatrice.
Thank god I didn’t bother with going down. Baby went to the gym. Okay, that is enough phone time for now.
With that, she tossed her phone next to her and fell back asleep.
-- Sunday --
The gang gathered at their favorite brunch location about a 30-minute drive from the city.
“So, mimosas for everyone?”
Alex suggested for the sole purpose of watching Piper and Ava go green in the face at the thought of more alcohol whilst Camila cheered enthusiastically.
“How are you so alive right now?”
Piper looked at Camila in amazement.
“5 years, 5 years and I still do not understand how and where the alcohol goes in your body.”
“It’s okay Pipes, I have known her for so so long and have given up on trying to figure it out. Cam is like… the best mystery box. She drinks alcohol the way we drink coffee. For some weird reason, she is always more alive the day after a night of hard drinking.”
-- Monday --
Ava crashed into her room like a whirlwind.
I guess someone is feeling better.
“Babe, babe, babe. You won’t believe what Cam just told me.”
Ava looked at Beatrice expectantly as Beatrice stared back quizzically.
“Come on babe, that is your cue to guess!”
Ava pouted as her fun was ruined by her wife’s practical personality.
Beatrice sighed and looked at the dozens of unread emails in her inbox mournfully.
Alright, goodbye productivity.
“What did Camila tell you?”
“She said, there are wedding ring enhancers!”
“Wedding ring… enhancers?”
Beatrice repeated back to Ava, confused.
“Yes babe! Cam was so excited she went off on a tangent. So from what I gathered, in her very long and almost unintelligible speech, was that it is some sort of augmentation?”
Beatrice’s fingers were flying over her keyboard as she did a quick search.
“Love, it is not an augmentation, it is an enhancement. According to this article, it is another ring designed to be layered on top of the original ring.”
“Are you saying what I think you are saying?”
Ava asked, her eyes lit up, almost sparkling.
“Darling, no.”
“But you don’t even know what it is that I was going to say.”
“Whatever it is, just no.”
Beatrice replied firmly, knowing that whatever thought Ava just had in her head would destroy the rest of her afternoon.
Goodbye productivity, goodbye my ability to work for the rest of the day. It has been nice knowing you both.
“But babe…”
Ava whined.
“Ava, no.”
“Ava, yes.”
Beatrice glared at Ava as she spun in the chair across from her.
“Okay fine, what is it?”
She caved, knowing that in a competition of who could be more childish, Ava would have her beat hands down.
“Are you ready for it?”
Ava asked before attempting to beatbox the intro to the song disastrously.
Okay, so I guess Bea is the musical one in this relationship.
She halted her attempt just in time to not spit all over her wife’s desk.
Pretty sure in Bea’s books, that would be a sin worthy of kneeling on an old-timey washboard as punishment. That and sleeping on the couch for three nights.
Beatrice looked at Ava, unimpressed by the spectacle her wife insisted on putting on before revealing whatever it was that she wanted to reveal.
“Wedding ring fidget spinners!! Think about it, Bea. Wedding. Ring. Fidget. Spinner. Now I would have something to do during those boring meetings Suzanne makes us attend.”
“Ava, no.”
“Ava, yes.”
“Ava -”
Beatrice cut herself off before she could continue.
“Did you just realize, once again, exactly how futile that conversation would be?”
“Yes. Darling, I love you but you can really be the most stubborn person on earth.”
“And yet you love me anyway.”
Ava looked at Beatrice cheekily.
Beatrice sighed.
“Why do I love you?”
She asked herself rhetorically.
“Because I am so awesome and you cannot live without me.”
“You are right, there is something very wrong with me.”
Ava walked over and swatted Beatrice on the shoulder before settling into her lap as though she was a chair.
“Now, can we look into augmenting my ring into a super cool fidget spinner that I can rub into Lilith’s face when it’s done?”
“I don’t think Lilith really cares about that?”
“She does, Cam said this was Lilith’s find and not hers.”
“What?”
Beatrice could feel a headache building.
Am I drunk? I must be drunk. Is this a dream? You know what, I don’t care anymore. Let’s just roll with it.
“How about we just… look at wedding ring enhancers? If you really want a fidget spinner in the form of a ring, I’m sure we can find something without fucking up our wedding ring.”
Ava looked at Beatrice and grinned.
Mission success. Objective achieved. Good job Ava, you had successfully conned your wife into letting you annoy your boss in meetings forevermore.