The Assistant Saga

“That’s her wife, I maintain that she is still somewhat responsible for her.”

“Easy there Counselor. You are not in court.”

“I have left that life a long time ago babe.”

“Hey Cam!”

“ALEX!!”

Camila all but launched herself at Alex.

“Woah! Careful!”

Alex quickly set the drinks on the table and hugged Camila.

“Why the face Lilith? Did Ava do something to you again?”

“…You never cease to amaze me at your people reading skills Alex. Yes, kinda? But then it evolved to become a work thing which unfortunately still involved Ava and it is all just shit.”

“Here, this will help.”

Alex pushed over the glass that brought her over to their table.

“Revival huh”

Lilith picked up the glass and toasted Alex before take a long drink.

“Still as good as the first time I tried it. And that was okay-ish..”

“Such lies. Don’t listen to her Alex, I could tell she was blown away by the drink the first time she tried it.”

“What has it been? 5 years? Feels like I have know you all for a lifetime. Yet, it also feels like yesterday that Ava brought you guys here.”

“Remember how excited and speechless Lilith got when Beca came to the table?”

“Oh yeah, that was priceless.”

“Shut up. You were too busy trying to figure out how to scare Bea away from Ava. And you!”

Lilith turned to face Camila.

“You were obsessed with how Alex pulled off the whole revenge thing on, what’s his face again, that boy you taught a lesson to. Miguel? Micheal? Melvin?”

“Mike?”

“Yes! Mike! That’s the name.”

“That was all Ava’s fault. She knew that that is my area of expertise and did not introduce me to Alex earlier. Think of all the havoc we could have caused.”

Lilith shuddered. She loves her girlfriend that is for sure but she really really do not want to be there when both Camila and Alex are unleashed on the same person. Whoever that is, will not survive their wrath.

“Amen to that sister.”

Alex reached over and high-fived Camila.

“Anything new you have been working on lately? There is this new method that I have been meaning to explore. Piper would not even listen to me now. All she says is ‘you can afford to wait till Friday to discuss this with Camila’. Remind me again, why did I marry her?”

“Because you love her?”

Lilith helpfully supplied.

Alex turned around and spotted Piper looking over at her and smiled.

“Yeah, I love that idiot.”

“Okay, here I am. I am here. Tell. Me. Everything.”

Lilith shook her head. There is no stopping Camila when she gets like this.

Probably why she is so good at her job.

“Gimme a sec.”

Alex disappeared to the bar, left instructions for the staff on shift and returned to the table with Piper in tow.

“Figured you can use someone to talk to.”

Alex replied when Lilith’s lifted brow at Piper’s sudden appearance. The last she remembered was that Piper said she would be working that night.

Should have known better. But it would be good to talk to Piper about it. She and Ava are practically clones of each other. She would have better insights on this whole fucking mess.

“Al? Babe? What’s with that cryptic shit again? Are you plotting something again? Noooo. Remember what happened the last time you thought you can plot something and keep it a secret from me?”

“Babes breathe. Now go ask Lilith why she is here drinking like the world just killed her favorite pet cat.”

“Lilith has a cat?”

Lilith rolls her eyes. Piper and Ava are too similar for their own good.

And so easily distracted too.

“Cam, when did you and -”

Alex clapped a hand over Piper’s mouth, effectively silencing her wife.

“Okay babe, there are no cats and Lilith looks like she has issues that might need your advice and you know Lilith. She would rather be skinned alive than ask for help. So now, be good, stop being distracted and go get her to spill whatever it is that is bothering her.”

Alex hissed into Piper’s ear and slowly removed her hand. Piper nodded and licked the hand Alex has covering her mouth.

Alex sighed. She had expected Piper to pull that stunt. Wiping her hands on her jeans, she turned to Camila.

“So here is the idea I had the other day about restructuring the inter-group transactions…”

Once she was sure that Alex has Camila sufficiently distracted, Piper turned to Lilith.

“So, how can I help?”

Lilith spluttered.

“I don’t need help.”

Piper glared at her.

“Want to tell that to your face?”

“Fine fine fine.”

“That’s better. Let’s try this again. So, how can I help?”

Lilith rolled her eyes at Piper’s antics. Once again marveling at how alike she and Ava were.

If I don’t know any better, I would have sworn they were sisters. They really are freakishly similar.

“HR sent out an email this morning and Ava -”

“Wait wait wait. Aren’t you HR?”

“Yes, but I could not possibly be policing every email they sent out to the other partners now could I? Besides I’m the partner in-charge of the contracts and legal side of HR. That is my area of expertise. Assigning people to work for other people isn’t exactly in my job scope. God I miss Pam.”

“So someone got assigned to Ava?”

“Yes! I’m sure you’ve heard of him too. From Ava of course.”

“Who is it? Wait wait! Let me guess. Someone that could have cause you so much grief and made you this stressed about the situation. Someone that Ava has brought up to us previously…Is it? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tell me I’m wrong.”

Lilith looked at Piper miserably.

“Okay, cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool.”

Lilith has officially broke Piper.

“We are in shit.”

Alex commented to Camila when she looked over and saw Piper saying the word ‘cool’ repeatedly like a bad record on loop.

“What?”

Alex gestured to Piper.

This must be why Lilith felt bad for wanting to murder Ava for walking in on us. Gotta be pretty bad if even Alex says we are in shit.

Deciding that it was time to join in the conversation, Alex looked to Lilith to explain what was it that broke her wife.

“Ava got an email from HR today. She was assigned a new assistant as the one she had previously retired.”

“Mrs Dobbs retired? I thought she never wanted to? She loved Ava like her own daughter.”

“Apparently her actual daughter threw a fit about how Mrs Dobbs was more concerned about Ava in comparison and guilt her into retiring.”

“Who is taking over from her then?”

“Want to make a guess? It broke Piper.”

“No….”

Alex and Camila gasped at the same time.

“John Vincent?!”

Lilith nodded miserably and let her head fall to the table with a thud.

“I guess that explains why Ava would barge into your office during lunch then. You really could not hold it against her Lil.”

“I knowwww.”

Lilith let our a whine that had the entire table staring at her.

“What are we looking at?”

Ava bounced up to the booth and pat Lilith on her head which got her a halfhearted middle finger being waved in her general direction in response.

“Is Lilith okay?”

“Booboo, I’m sure she is fine. Having her head on the table means that she no longer has the energy to chase me down and murder me.”

Alex laughed.

“If it gets messy, please take it outside the bar? I don’t want to have to clean out Ava’s remains out of the booth. Bloodstains are notoriously difficult to get rid of.”

Piper elbowed Alex.

“The usual?”

The group of them nodded. Piper waved down a server and began rattling off their orders, including stuff for both she and Alex.

“Is there anything we can do about John Vincent?”

Ava groaned at that question as her head joined Lilith’s on the table.

“Darling, what is this about John Vincent?”

A series of unintelligent noises spewed out of Ava as Lilith raised a hand to pat Ava on her head.

“HR has assigned him to be my new assistant as Mrs Dobbs retired.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“I got the official memo this morning in my inbox. Sat on it for a bit, I think I had a plan to deal with it before you found out. Went to find Lilith, got scarred for life, or at least the rest of the work day. And you know the rest babe.”

“Were you planning on telling me that they made him your assistant?”

“Noooo? Bea, you know you would force me to accept it. I refuse! I would never be able to get things done with him as my assistant. Instead of assisting, all he would be doing is hindering. I mean, which moron asks someone to draw a fucking flowchart for a 2 step process????!!!”

“John Vincent that’s who.”

The entire table save for Beatrice responded in unison. Beatrice looked around and sighed.

“I’m guessing you all are in favor of Ava finding a way to dump this on another partner?”

Beatrice looked around the table. Lilith, Camila, Alex and Piper nodded.

“I’m sure we can find someone to dump him on.”

“As long as it is neither me nor Cam, I don’t really care who gets him. The last time he was on loan to HR, he delayed almost every single project he touched. It’s like his mere presence caused people around him to become as idiotic as he is. You should have seen the faces of the senior associates when the juniors begin singing to the same tune as John Vincent. We could not return him fast enough.”

“How about Vincent? I mean, Vincent, John Vincent. Even their names are a match made in heaven.”

“Do you think Suzanne will go for it?”

“Why do we need Suzanne?”

“Because, Vincent is a wanker and he is sure to kick up a stink in Suzanne’s office once he finds out that we are the ones that dumped John Vincent on him just to spite us.”

Ava watched as the group put their heads together to help her out of this sticky situation and her heart swelled.

I love my friends. Now I feel bad for walking in on Lilith and Cam during lunch. I mean, it wasn’t like I didn’t feel bad previously. It was just overshadowed by my self-preservation instinct. Can’t have booboo becoming a widow at this age.

“Ava!”

Lilith snapped her fingers in front of Ava’s face.

“Why are you daydreaming when we are all here trying to help you get out of this very unfortunate situation?”

“I was actually thinking how much I love all of you and busy being touched about how you are all helping to brainstorm a way out of this shitty situation. But now I take it back. I love all of you, except you Lil.”

Ava stuck her tongue out at Lilith childishly.

“Ava….stop winding Lilith up darling.”

“But this shitty situation was caused by her department babe. As the HR partner, she really should watch over her people better so I don’t get caught in the crossfire.”

Lilith sighed.

“Ava, if the assigning of every single assistant in the firm has to go thru me, I will never be able to do the job that I’m actually paid to do. That said, I’m sorry that they dumped John Vincent on you.”

“I could hack into the firm’s email server and see who was the one who recommended that John Vincent be assigned to you and who are the other choices available? That way when we go to Suzanne, we have a person in mind that would make things easier for her?”

“How about we steal Vincent’s assistant?”

“Alex!”

“What Pipes? It is a good idea no? We steal Vincent’s currently assistant, replace that person with John Vincent and make up some cock and bull pretty excuse for the switch. #done”

“Guys, I feel like we need to rein the discussion in a little bit. Camila, your offer to hack our own firm is very touching but if Suzanne found out about it, we will never hear the end of it from her. Alex’s idea, I want to come back to it. It could work. I’m not saying I’m in favor of dumping him on Vincent. But if there is a possibility that we can switch John Vincent away from being Ava’s assistant without repercussions, I would consider.”

“Bea, consider????? They don’t just replace assistants willy-nilly. You know Suzanne. She would make me stick with it. And then, you will have to hear all about it from me. Everyday. Or maybe, I will just be forever chained to my desk. My entire department will be in ruins. All our clients will be mad at us because the customer satisfaction department is too busy putting out the fire in their own backyard because one of their own is the one setting the whole place on fire. I mean, how are we even qualified to give advice on improving customer satisfaction when our own clients are not satisfied? The clients would leave us, Suzanne will fire the lot of us because the firm is losing business and then this would be the end of Opi Consulting Services.”

The entire table gaped at Ava.

“What?”

“Love, I know you have a vivid imagination but even this slippery slope is a stretch for you.”

“Yeah Aves, could you let me know what brand of lubricant it is that you are using for the slope that is THIS slippery?”

“Play nice Lil. Oh Ava, you poor thing. I know having John Vincent as your assistant is giving you a lot of stress. Come here.”

Camila reached over and hugged Ava.

“Promise to keep Lilith from murdering me?”

Ava asked Camila softly in her ear as the other girl hugged her. Camila laughed and pulled away from the hug.

“I’ll do you one better.”

Ava looked at Camila puzzled.

“Lil, babe, no murder attempts on Ava for at least a month for this stunt.”

“Wha?!”

Lilith looked at Camila like she has gone mad. Attempting to murder Ava and Ava running away from her was their dynamic and a great source of stress relief for Lilith.

“But… but… this isn’t my fault?”

“It’s your department fault and hence, it is your fault.”

“But I’m not the only HR partner the firm has?”

“6 weeks then.”

Lilith’s jaw dropped.

“Do you still want to push it? I could always switch it out to something more exciting?”

Camila had that gleam in her eye that had Lilith backpedaling hard.

“Nope. Not pushing. No issues. Yup, 6 weeks. I can do 6 weeks. Does today count as Day 1 then?”

“Nope, today is Day 0. You did try to murder her during lunch.”

“Fine, fine. Ava, you suck.”

Lilith sighed.

“Don’t worry kid, we will get you sorted out. I could always talked to Suzanne for you? As a valued client of the firm, I’m sure I could make something up such that it would make it look like John Vincent cannot keep up with the demands of being your assistant.”

“Yeah Aves, if Alex’s clout isn’t enough, there is always me and the joint venture we both share?”

“Thanks guys. But it would look so weird if the clients that I brought in are suddenly kicking up a fuss and overloading my poor team. I think Yasmine would have a heart attack if you suddenly decide to take your business away from the OCS.”

“Just say the word okay? I have a legion of die-hards that would do almost anything remember?”

Alex joked as their food arrived.

“Do you think they can stuff John Vincent in a locker repeatedly then gaslight him into thinking he imagined it like they did to Charles Hobart in high school?”

“That depends, is John Vincent of the same girth as Charles?”

Ava smiled at Alex’s reply.

No matter how many years we have known each other, Alex still entertains my very outlandish ideas of revenge. Even though stuffing John Vincent into a locker and gaslight him into thinking it didn’t happen would be tough. Dude is like a roly-poly man and this is me being charitable to him. In my head.

“Darling? Stop thinking so hard. Food is here.”

Beatrice squeezed Ava’s knee under the table to bring her attention to the food that is being served to their table.

Alex kept the drinks flowing after dinner, she could tell how stressed Ava was by the news. Lilith wasn't faring much better.

That girl took it personally. Even if we were all joking that it was all her fault and she should have done something to prevent this, she really did feel responsible for the whole mess.

Alex sighed as she watched a drunk Ava clinging to Piper like a koala bear with Beatrice looking on fondly and Lilith sprawling on Camila as much as her lanky frame allowed.

“Ava”

Lilith hiccuped, holding out her glass of Revival.

“I’ll down 5 of these to prove how sorry I am that this happened to you on my watch.”

Lilith began waving her arm around sloppily to catch a server’s attention, her drink sloshing onto the table in the process.

Alex caught the eye of the person who was walking over and shook her head, motioning for them to cut Lilith off for the rest of the night.

“Okay, okay, okay.”

Camila reached out and took the glass away from Lilith to prevent things from getting out of hand.

“Cam! Is Ava mad at me? Are you mad at me? I didn’t mean for this to happen. I swear. I only found out after she barged in on us. Don’t be mad, I cannot take it when you are mad at me.”

Lilith attempted to fold herself into Camila.

This is ridiculous. They are ridiculous. It really doesn’t get old. Drunk Lilith is a 180 from regular Lilith. No one will believe it. Pity Ava isn’t sober enough to watch this.

It took everything Alex had to not take matters into her own hands and fix it for them. She hated watching the people she loved in pain and there is nothing more painful than a bumbling, incompetent assistant that one is forced to work with.

“You!”

Lilith sat up suddenly and pointed at Alex.

“I would have you know, that I am still not over the fact that Ava had you and Piper in her back pocket ready to be played anytime to reach partner but she did not. Well, at least not until Bea here made partner. I’m also not over the fact that Beca Mitchell and I are in a group chat and I know her wife and the people she went to school with.”

As quickly as Lilith sat up, she slumped back into Camila, her energy levels as consistent as an EKG reading.

“Cam cam cam!! Did you know that I am friends with Beca Mitchell? THE Beca Mitchell? I cannot believe it.”

Lilith carried on mumbling nonsensically about Beca and spouting random facts about the million and one fleeting thought that passed thru her head.

“I think it is time we get the both of them home. Drunk Lilith really never gets old. It is like the repressed child in her is finally set free to roam.”

Camila looked at the girl in her arms.

“She isn’t the only one no?”

Alex jerked her head towards Beatrice who was steadfastly ignoring the world in favor of taking care of Ava. Ava had been transferred from Piper to Beatrice somewhere during Lilith’s second outburst.

“They knew of each other since they were little. I’m not so sure how much Ava told you about the two of them. They don’t really enjoy talking about their childhoods. From what I gathered over the years of knowing them, it was pretty rough.”

“Ava never mentioned much about how Beatrice grew up. It was never something I cared about when it comes to who she sees or in this case, marries. All I cared was that the person whom I’m entrusting my baby sister to will put her before themselves. And Beatrice does that instinctively even when we first met 5 odd years ago. That is more than enough for me.”

“You know she was so nervous before. Ava had never once mentioned how close you all are and how protective you are of her. We only heard of you and Piper in passing or as a reference. Even then, when we first showed up here, she didn’t even mention that the Alex and Piper that she had talked about are the Alex and Piper that we are going to be meeting at the bar.”

“That is Ava for you. That girl’s brain works in strange and mysterious ways.”

“That reminds me, Drunk Lilith was right about one thing.”

Alex raised a brow at that.

“Referring to your own girlfriend in the third person? That is harsh Cam.”

Camila laughed.

“Hush you. I meant, the whole Ava having you and Piper in her back pocket the whole time. I know it has been a while but obviously Lilith is still a tad bit sore about it. Well, me too I guess. But I’m not as crazy competitive as she is.”