Missing Piece

After you left the room, Sam quickly turned to look at Bucky. He opened his mouth to give him a piece of his mind but Steve held up his hand, cutting him off. He listened until he was sure you were in the elevator and lowered his hand to let Sam speak. 

‘’Have you always been this dumb?’’ 

Bucky’s head slowly turned to look at Sam, eyebrow raised in confusion. ‘’Are you talking to me?’’

‘’Yes, I’m talking to you dumbass.’’

Buck sat up, straightening his back. The scowl was back and deeply imprinted on his face. 

‘’What the hell is your problem?’’

‘’You. You’re my problem.’’ Bucky rolled his eyes at Sam’s attitude

‘’The hell did I do now?’’

‘’Are you really that oblivious?’’ Steve scoffed, surprising both Bucky and Sam. 

Bucky was getting seriously annoyed with the both of them. ‘’Can you just stop answering my questions with more questions?’’ He scoffed.

Steve stood up, grabbing your plate and his. ‘’I’m gonna go see her.’’

His announcement did not help Bucky's mood. He felt a slight ping of jealousy in his chest at the thought of Steve possibly being the one to hold you at night. His fists clenched and unclenched before he stood up and walked out, throwing a quick ‘’yeah, you do that.’’ Steve’s way before disappearing in the hallway. 

Steve and Sam looked at each other.

‘’Unbelievable.’’ Sam commented.

You walked into your room and shut the door quickly behind you, locking it. Not like anyone was going to come in, anyway. You had a lump in your throat that made it hard to swallow and your vision kept getting blurry because of the tears that would well up every time you thought of Bucky saying he was going to sleep alone. You grabbed the clothes you had slept in last night to change into them but as you were putting on your tank top, you realized how much it smelled like Bucky. You threw it in the hamper and took a different one from your dresser, smelling it before putting it on. Once you had put on clothes that smelled like detergent, you walked over to your bed. 

It was neatly made, except for the spot where Bucky had sat down earlier to read. The book was still on the covers. You sighed, putting the book back on its shelf and lifted the covers to get under them. Except your entire bed smelled like Bucky. What was once a soothing smell, now made it hard for you to breathe. You tore off the sheets, covers and pillow cases from your bed and threw them in a corner of your room. You left your room to find the linen closet in the hall and started pulling out everything you needed to make your bed. When you turned around to go back to your room, you were surprised to see Bucky almost standing in your doorway, looking at the mess you had made in your room as you were trying to get rid of anything that smelled like him. 

You clutched the fresh linen closer to your body, your heart beating out of your chest. You were sad, you were hurt but you were also mad. Mad at him for not caring enough about you, enough to overlook your feelings for him and keep treating you as his best friend. Instead, he just threw you away. He didn't seem to notice you, until you walked over to get to your room. 

Bucky had no choice but to walk by your room to get to his, it made him a little nervous but he was pretty sure it was safe and that he wouldn’t run into you. Everything went fine, until he noticed your door was wide open and he couldn’t help himself, he looked inside. He was shocked to see how messy it currently was. The bed had been completely stripped down, everything that used to be on it had been thrown in a corner next to a pile of clothes that he recognized to be the clothes you would wear to bed with him. The sight of the current state of your room raised a flag in his head. Something was wrong.

He saw movements from the corner of his eyes and stepped back from your doorway and turned to face you. His eyes quickly scanned over your face and that’s when he noticed how sad and hurt you looked. The last time he had seen you like this was when he had found you in the bathroom, hunched over from the pain. Suddenly, his bad mood had completely disappeared and worry took its place. He felt the need to take you in his arms and protect you from whatever or whoever was responsible for putting that look in your eyes. He was just too oblivious to realize that he was the one who was responsible. 

Your grip on the sheets was so strong, the tension could clearly be seen from the colors of your knuckles. You took a deep breath and started walking towards him.

Bucky was relieved when he saw you coming towards him, he almost smiled. He was about to open his arms to let you snuggle against his chest like you had done many times before when you needed comforting, but right before he could touch you you walked around him and stepped inside your room. He turned his body, following your direction. You faced him again, grabbing your door and you were confused by the fact that he genuinely looked surprised that you were avoiding him. 

‘’Bab-’’

You closed the door before he could finish and locked it again. 

He had been the one to push you away.

He had been the one to tell you he didn’t want you anymore.

Not you. You shouldn't feel guilty for pushing him away now.

You quickly made your bed and hid under your covers, finally allowing yourself to feel everything you had been pushing down; quietly crying in your pillow.

It was as if the impact of the door closing in his face had resonated through him, making its way to his heart and shattered it.

It had been one thing to see you get closer to Steve but it was completely different to see you with that much pain in your eyes, pain that was caused by him. He hadn’t quite caught on yet but he knew he was responsible, he saw see it in your eyes before you had closed the door. 

Maybe he had been too quick to judge your friendship with Steve. As he thought about it, yes you had been affectionate towards him but not as much as you were towards Bucky. When you had trained together earlier and you had learned something new, you always went straight to Bucky when you practiced and finally succeeded to do what you had just been shown. You had wanted to share that moment with Bucky, not Steve. Come to think about it, whenever you were physically close to Steve, you had always made sure that Bucky was included in the conversation, you always smiled at him. You had asked him to come to bed with you, not Steve. Not Sam. Not even after he had turned you down, you had wanted him and only him. You wanted him and he turned you down, he pushed you away…

What had he done?

It was safe to say that neither of you slept that night. In addition to being apart, Bucky’s brain just replayed every single moment from the past two days; seeing them without the jealousy and insecurity of Steve stealing his girl away. He didn’t need to steal her away when Bucky basically just shoved her into his arms. 

You were too mad and angry at yourself to even think about trying to sleep. You were mad for falling in love with your best friend, you were mad that you hadn’t been able to hide it well enough that he wouldn’t notice and you were also mad that Bucky had flushed your friendship down the toilet because he didn’t have the same feelings you did. He said you were his best friend but he hadn’t even hesitated before putting an end to your friendship. That’s why you didn’t want to open yourself to anyone, why you had difficulties trusting and letting people in. You had been terrified at how quickly you had let Bucky into your life and how quickly you had just trusted him with everything. 

This moment of you curled up on your bed, hiding under your covers to cry and being in so many different kinds of pain is exactly why you wouldn’t let anyone in again. Every single time you got hurt. 

At around 3am, Bucky sat up in his bed; frustrated. He couldn’t sleep. Not without you and especially not when he knew you were hurting because of him. He wanted to text you, to see if you were awake and if you’d want to talk but his phone was dead and he had forgotten to plug it in. He turned to his nightstand only to find his phone plugged in and completely charged. At first he was confused, then he remembered. Last night before getting into his bed, you had plugged in his phone because you knew he’d forget. Somehow, that simple gesture made his heart clench with sadness. 

He unplugged his phone and unlocked it, going straight to his conversation with you. 

It was basically just gifs of puppies doing cute things that you were sending him throughout the day when you weren’t with him, in case he was having a bad day. 

He quickly tapped the screen, typing.

Are you up…?

He waited, looking at the screen. After a few minutes he saw the ‘’sent’’ memo under his text message change to ‘’read’’. His heart fluttered in his chest and he sat up straighter against the headboard.

You were awake. 

His happiness was short-lived. 5 minutes had passed since the ‘’read’’ notification had appeared and you still hadn’t answered. The bubble with the three dots that usually told him that you were typing hadn’t appeared once. He tried again.

Baby. . .

Can we talk?

Both messages were left on ‘’read’’.

Bucky sighed, he really messed up this time. He laid back down, keeping his phone close in case you decided to answer him.

You were surprised to get a text in the middle of the night. Of course, it was Bucky.

You just wanted to be left alone. You opened his messages every time so he’d know that you saw his texts but didn’t want to reply. It took 3 messages before he stopped. You were relieved and at the same time you were disappointed that he hadn’t tried a few more times.

You spent the entire night watching movies on your laptop and only stopped when you received a text from Steve asking if you wanted to eat breakfast with him and Sam. You answered that you would be right down and got out of bed. The idea of running into Bucky made you nervous, but you would run into him eventually in the compound and you decided to rip off the band aid now. You put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and some socks, you brushed your hair in the hopes that you wouldn’t look like someone who had spent most of her night crying under the covers. Your eyes were slightly red but there was nothing you could do about that. 

A small weight was taken off your shoulders when you saw that Bucky wasn’t sitting at the kitchen table with the rest of the team. 

You ate breakfast in silence, just listening to everyone else talking around you. 

Steve was keeping an eye on you. He didn’t want to push and ask questions. He still hadn’t talked to Bucky but it was definitely on his schedule for the day. 

One by one, everybody left the table except for Sam, Steve and you. It was almost your little ritual to stay behind after everybody else left. 

Steve was trying to explain the plot of one of the series he had started to watch. He couldn’t remember the title and he was trying to explain what the show was about. You couldn't help but laugh at his really bad explanations. 

‘’Stevie, how can you be so good at talking in front of crowds and explaining tactical assignments like it’s nobody’s business but when you try to talk about a book, a movie or a tv show you’re all over the place and nothing makes sense?’’ You asked, still laughing. 

Sam was laughing with you. Steve just shrugged.

‘’You both need to stop laughing at me.’’

‘’We’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you.’’ You were still chuckling.

‘’You can’t be laughing with me if I’m not laughing.’’

He was trying to hide the smile that was fighting its way to his lips. You started poking his cheek with your index until he couldn’t hold back anymore and smiled.

‘’See? You think it’s funny too.’’

That’s when Bucky walked into the room, making you stop laughing. You dropped your hand from Steve’s face and turned to be facing Sam that was sitting on the opposite side. 

The mood quickly shifted from joking and laughing to awkward tension. 

‘’Good morning.’’ Bucky said softly, the same tone he’d used every morning when you woke up. Though he said it to no one in particular, his eyes were glued on you. Steve and Sam answered with a good morning and then it was total silence. You could feel everyone’s eyes on you and it made you squirm. You finally looked at Bucky, avoiding looking directly in his eyes.

‘’Good morning Bucky.’’ It wasn’t a whisper but close, just a tad louder. 

Bucky. Not James, not Buck, not Jamie; just Bucky. That was the name you used when you were serious, there was no affection that came with it. It was your equivalent of calling him by his full name like his ma used to do when he was in trouble.

Bucky started to walk over to you, to take his place next to yours and you quickly stood up. For a split second, Bucky had believed that you were getting up to hug him but you walked right by him. 

‘’Where are you going?’’ Steve asked the question that Bucky wanted so desperately to ask you.

‘’I’m going down to the labs, Bruce wants to get started today.’’

‘’I can go with you, if you want.’’ Bucky quickly offered. 

Your eyes met for a second before you looked away again.

‘’I’ll go alone.’’ You simply answered.

Bucky watched you leave, flinching at how you threw his answer from last night back in his face. 

He finally sat down and the moment his elbows touched the table he was burying his face in his hands. 

‘’I don’t know how to fix this.’’ 

‘’I honestly don’t know how you’re going to fix it either.’’ Steve confessed.

‘’You messed up. Bad.’’ Sam added.

‘’I know. It was stupid. I was just scared.’’ 

‘’Look man, when I told you the other night that I’d ask her out I was really sure that you were in love with her. Boy did you prove me wrong… but you didn’t need to hurt her like this.’’

Bucky scrunched up his nose, frowning. ‘’What?’’ He was confused. ‘’What does that have to do with anything?’’

‘’So you are dumb.’’ Sam scoffed.

‘’Watch it.’’ Bucky hissed. ‘’I’m not in the mood for your little games Wilson.’’

‘’I know it’s been a while for you, but are you that oblivious?’’ 

‘’Well clearly I am because I have no idea what you’re talking about and you’re starting to annoy the crap out of me.’’

Sam gave Steve a quick look as if he was asking permission to enlighten Bucky on the current situation with you. 

‘’She’s in love with you, you dumbass. And you just broke her heart without even flinching.’’ Sam finally answered.

Bucky scoffed. ‘’No, she’s not.’’

‘’Are you blind?’’ Sam asked.

‘’She is.’’ Steve said, finally looking at Bucky.

‘’How do you know?’’ Bucky’s mouth suddenly felt really dry.

‘’Because we have eyes.’’ Sam shrugged like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

‘’If you’re joking, this isn’t funny.’’ Bucky warned.

‘’We aren’t joking, Buck.’’

Bucky’s thoughts were all over the place. That’s why you were so hurt, when he turned you down last night you took it as him rejecting you. He started chewing on his bottom lip, his eyes wide.

Bucky spoke after what felt like hours. ‘’I need to talk to her.’’ 

‘’No, you don’t.’’ Steve shook his head. ‘’She already knows how you feel, you made it quite clear. Right now what she needs is to be left alone.’’

‘’I made how I feel clear?’’ He was genuinely confused.

‘’You spent all of last night glaring at her. You were looking at her like she had just kicked your puppy and was number one on your shitlist.’’ Sam explained.

‘’You acted like a jealous idiot and you ended up hurting her.’’ Steve added.

‘’I- I just thought she was replacing me with you as her best friend.’’ Bucky mumbled.

‘’Or did you think she was sweet on Steve and that you were losing your girl so you pushed her away before she hurt you but ended up hurting her?’’ 

Bucky’s heart was pounding, the blood rushing in his body thumping loudly in his ears.

Was that what he felt? He knew it was jealousy he was feeling. Sometimes, he would think about kissing you but he just thought it was normal because the two of you were really close, you were beautiful and it had been a very long time since a girl took care of him the way you did. He flirted with you all the time, teasing you but everything he ever said to you was true. 

Every piece started to fall into place. He was in love with you. Had been since the first time you smiled at him. 

Bucky groaned and hit his head on the table. ‘’I’m an idiot.’’

‘’That we can all agree on.’’ Steve joked. 

Bucky lifted his head and glared at Steve. ‘’Why didn’t you tell me before?’’

‘’Because I didn’t think I needed to tell you you were in love with her. I thought you’d notice on your own.’’

‘’We’ve known each other for over 70 years, Steve, you should know better than that.’’

Steve pointed a finger at him. ‘’Don’t try to shift the blame. You’re the one who hurt her, not me.’’ 

‘’Fuuuuuck.’’ Bucky said, his face back on the table. ‘’I have to fix this before it’s too late.’’

Bucky sat up quickly, panic in his eyes. ‘’Do you think it’s already too late?’’

‘’Tssk. The girl looks at you like you hung the moon and the stars, I don’t think it’ll ever be too late.’’ 

Bucky looked at Sam, a slight blush on his cheeks. ‘’She does?’’

It was Sam’s turn to groan, exasperated. ‘’You need to go get your eyesight checked out. Blind as you are, you probably shouldn’t have a license right now.’’

‘’Shut up.’’ Bucky answered, annoyed.

Now he really, really needed to talk to you but how will he get you to stop avoiding him?