Missing Piece

Bucky had finally realized that he was in love with you, and he was determined to get you to forgive him for acting like a total idiot. He soon found out that it wasn’t going to be an easy task. 

You weren’t mad at him, you weren’t screaming at him, ignoring him or avoiding him; you just weren’t his friend anymore. He would have preferred if you had been mad, seeing you hurt was so much worse. You still spent time together but either Steve, Sam or both of them were always there with you. You never allowed yourself to be alone with Bucky, no matter how hard he tried. 

He had asked if you could talk alone so many times that he had lost count. Every time you would turn him down politely or you would come up with an excuse that you had to leave to go do something. 

In your eyes, there was nothing else to say. You loved him and he didn’t. He was very clear about that, he had pushed you away and you didn’t want to hear anything he had to say because there’s nothing he could say that would make you feel better. 

Steve had encouraged you to talk to him but he was Bucky’s best friend so of course he’d side with him. 

As days went by, you started to close yourself up again. You spent a lot more time in your room and started missing breakfast and dinner with the whole team. It had taken so long for them to get you out of your shell, it pained them to see you back in it again. Especially when it was for a simple misunderstanding. It was obvious to everyone in the compound that Bucky was in love with you, and you with him. They sincerely couldn’t understand how either of you could miss that. Some of them wanted to do something to bring you together but they all decided it would be better if no one got involved. 

Bucky had tried everything to make you talk to him. He texted you, tried talking to you when you were out of your room, he even brought you breakfast and dinner to your door any time you’d be missing from the dinner table, but nothing. You never answered his messages, when you were out of your room you would join the conversation but keep your answers short and you always thanked him politely for bringing you food but there were no more smiles, no more hugs, no more kisses or jokes. 

After almost a week, you were finally able to sleep again on your own. You weren’t sleeping well and you never slept for more than a few hours at a time but it was still better than not being able to sleep at all. Bruce had even put all the tests on hold because he didn’t think you were healthy enough at the moment to keep going. 

Bucky could barely sleep. He spent most of his nights twisting and turning in his bed, losing count of how many times he had woken up looking for you only to find his bed empty. The few seconds it took him to remember why you weren’t there were always painful. He missed you so much, it hurt. It physically hurt him to not have you around anymore. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, like there was a piece of himself that was missing. He missed your smiles, your laughs and your bad jokes, he missed your hugs and holding you at night, he missed you trying to squeeze him so tightly that you would almost hurt yourself, always doing it to make him laugh when he was feeling sad. He missed watching movies and tv shows with you or talking to you about things he’d think you’d like. He missed being able to turn around and have you right next to him. He missed the man he was when you were around.

He missed you, and knowing you were just down the hall purposely avoiding him just made him hurt even more. He understood why you were doing it, he just wished he could fix it. He knew the other team members blamed him for your absence and they were right to do so. He hated himself for hurting the one person that had never judged him and had always protected him. You had literally killed to protect him. He was getting desperate and he didn’t know what to do anymore. He needed you like he needed air and he wished there was a way he could tell you all that. All he wanted was a chance to explain himself, to talk to you and mostly to apologize to you. You deserved an apology above all else. 

One night you had missed dinner, again. Bucky was in the kitchen and he was making food for you. He hadn’t seen you all day, no one had, which meant that you were either in a bad mood or you were struggling with your anxiety. Normally, he would have walked right into your room and held you until you felt better but that wasn’t an option anymore so instead he made sure you’d eat. He had heated up a bowl of soup and made you a grilled cheese sandwich, the same meal you’d make for him whenever he was having a bad day. Soup was like a hug for your soul, you’d tell him. It always made him laugh, but  you were right. It always helped brighten up his mood. 

He finished cutting the grilled cheese in two, placing it next to the bowl of soup on the tray and looked around to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything. He grabbed the tray and turned around to walk out the kitchen but Steve was standing in his way.

‘’Where are you going?’’ Steve asked, looking down at the tray in Bucky’s hands.

‘’She hasn’t eaten all day… I was just going to drop this in front of her door. She needs to eat something.’’

Steve nodded, agreeing. He took a step forward to take the tray, making Bucky take a step back.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Bucky’s eyebrows narrowed, confused.

‘’I’ll take it to her.’’

Bucky shook his head no. ‘’I’m doing it.’’ 

‘’I think I should do it.’’ Steve took a step forward again, but this time Bucky didn’t move.

‘’Why? I won’t talk to her. I just want to make sure she’s eating.’’

Steve sighed. ‘’Look Buck… It’s been a week, she still hasn’t opened the door for you. Maybe it’s time to let her go.’’

He felt like he had just been punched in the gut. ‘’Let her go?’’ He echoed Steve’s last words.

Steve nodded. 

‘’I’m not letting her go. What’s wrong with you? I’ll always take care of her, whether she talks to me or not.’’ His tone was defensive, raising his voice.

‘’Bucky, calm down.’’

His jaw clenched, his hands tightened on the tray. ‘’Move.’’

‘’I’m sorry Buck, but no.’’ He wrapped his hands around the tray and pulled gently on it.

Bucky wanted to fight him back but right now the most important thing was that you ate. He let go and watched Steve leave to go to your room. He was fuming. Let you go? Why would Steve even say that to him? Talking about you like you were just some silly crush he needed to get over. The lack of sleep and the overwhelming feeling of missing you made him on edge and Steve had just pushed him over. He stormed off to his room, slamming the door behind him, for good measure. 

He paced in his room, repeating Steve’s words in his head. He was well aware that he had hurt you, that he probably didn’t deserve your love and friendship anymore but it’s not like he did it on purpose. He didn’t go out of his way to hurt you and break your heart, he was just an idiot who couldn’t understand his own feelings, even less yours. It had never been his intention to hurt you in any way and he hated that Steve was now treating him like he had planned this all along. 

That night, Bucky went to bed angry. It took him two hours before he finally fell asleep. 

Steve had knocked on your door to bring you food. When you opened the door, he gave you the tray and left shortly after. You weren’t in the mood to see or talk to people and he respected your decision. 

You sat on your bed and looked at your dinner, knowing instantly who it was really from. There was only one person in this compound who knew that soup was your comfort food when you were feeling sad or anxious. A small smile appeared on your face for the first time in days. It was a small gesture and to some people it would seem meaningless, but to you it meant that Bucky still cared. 

The smile didn’t stay on for long, this didn’t erase everything that had happened before. You ate while watching tv and went to bed a few hours later. 

You were able to sleep but it was never a deep kind of sleep. You would wake up at any and all noises, making you even more exhausted than if you hadn’t been able to sleep at all. The soup had helped soothe you a little bit and this time you fell deeper asleep than you usually did. 

It didn’t keep you from waking up in total panic at the sound of screams. You were a little bit disoriented when you opened your eyes but you quickly jumped out of bed and ran to the hallway. Not a single noise could be heard, and you started to think that maybe you had imagined it or that it had come from your dream but then there was another scream and you froze into place, your blood running cold; sending shivers down your spine. You knew exactly who it was. 

You ran to Bucky’s room and knocked a few times, calling out his name. You waited for him to open the door but he never came, instead you heard another scream and you decided to hell with privacy and just walked right in. 

The sight in front of you broke your heart. 

Bucky was twisting, tangled in his sheets, the covers had been thrown on the floor, he was completely drenched in sweat; he went to bed shirtless and you could see beads of sweat coming down his face all the way down his chest. His eyes were clenched shut, so were his fists. He was having a nightmare and from the way he was screaming, you knew exactly what he was dreaming about. He was back in HYDRA labs, getting tortured. 

His hair was sticking to his face and neck, completely wet. He had been like this for a while.

You walked slowly to his bed and turned on the lamp on his nightstand. You made sure to turn the head so it wouldn’t blind him when he opened his eyes and you sat on his bed, your legs tucked under you as you kneeled next to him. 

‘’Bucky.’’ You whispered.

Another scream.

‘’Bucky.’’ You repeated a little louder. 

He wouldn’t wake up.

You gently placed your hands on either side of his face to hold it. ‘’James.’’ You repeated louder.

His eyes shot open and he grabbed both your wrists, twisting your hands away from his face. You flinched at the pain.

‘’James!’’ His head turned, finally seeing you. ‘’You’re ok. You’re safe.’’

He looked around, like he was lost. Then his gaze fell on his hands that had been twisting your arms. He quickly let go and sat up.

‘’I’m so sorry.’’ His voice was breaking.

He was panicking and tears were threatening to fall out, both from the nightmare he had just woken up from and the guilt of hurting you.

You shook your head and tried to touch him again but he flinched so you stopped. ‘’I’m ok.’’ You reassured him. ‘’You’re ok.’’

He kept his eyes on your wrists, he could almost see the bruises already forming on them.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He whispered. 

‘’You should get up.’’ You look at the state of his bed. ‘’Go take a shower Buck, I’ll change your sheets.’’ You kept your tone as soft as you could, not wanting to startle him. 

It took a few seconds but he finally nodded. He stood up and you did too, watching him walk to make sure he wouldn’t fall from exhaustion. 

He grabbed clean clothes and stepped in his bathroom to take a shower. 

It broke your heart to see him in pain and then seeing him so… empty. Like all life had been sucked out of him. 

You stripped off his bed, taking everything off; including the pillows. You went to the linen closet to find him fresh sheets and unused pillows. You worked quickly so the bed would be ready for him when he came back. 

You weren’t sure if Bucky wanted you there or not, you’d at least wait until he was back in bed before leaving. You had to make sure he was okay, as okay as one can be after reliving the most traumatizing years of their lives. You sat on his bed and waited for him, seeing him come out 10 minutes later. He was as wet as before, though this time it was water and not sweat. He looked a little bit more relaxed, until he saw you sitting there. He immediately tensed back up. He usually wore shirts around you but now that he was shirtless, you could see all of his muscles working. He couldn’t hide his body’s reaction behind the fabric of a shirt, like it was armor. 

You took this as your cue to go, it seemed like he didn’t want you here. 

You stood up from his bed, getting ready to leave but you were quickly stopped by Bucky. Only realizing what was happening when you looked up to find him standing a few steps in front of you. 

‘’You stayed.’’ He whispered, he had expected for you to be gone by the time he came out.

‘’I wanted to make sure you were ok.’’

‘’I’ll be fine.’’ His gaze fell on his freshly made bed. ‘’Thank you.’’

He moved to his side of the bed to get under the covers. You followed behind him, turning off the light on his nightstand.

‘’Do you need anything else?’’ You asked, turning slightly to the side to watch him. He crawled under the covers and looked up, staring straight into your eyes.

‘’Could you-’’ He cleared his throat. ‘’Could you stay?’’ 

You didn’t even hesitate before saying yes. No matter how mad or sad or hurt you were, if Bucky needed you you’d always be there for him. 

You walked to ‘’your’’ side of the bed and joined him under the covers. You laid on your back, your eyes glued to the ceiling. Your hands rested on top of the covers, not really knowing how to act. 

Bucky was laying on his side, looking at you. He had missed you so much and he didn’t want to miss a single second of you being here with him. He looked you over, his eyes traveling down your body until he froze at the sight of your wrists. There were bruises in the shape of fingers and his heart clenched, knowing it was his fingers that were imprinted on your skin.

He hesitantly reached over you, taking one of your hands in his. He waited to see if you were going to pull away and when you didn’t, he brought your hand closer to his face so that he could see how badly he had hurt you. 

He wanted to apologize again, though he thought words weren’t going to be enough so instead he brought your wrist up to his lips and left small kisses wherever there was a bruise. He kissed it all around, not missing a single bruise and when he was done with that wrist he did the same thing with the other one. 

Your heart was racing as you watched him. It was so much better than an apology because that way, neither of you could deny that he cared. 

You hadn’t realized how much you had been missing him until just now. Of course you knew you were missing him, missing him badly but you weren’t aware of how badly until this very moment. 

Your eyes met his again, the pain in his eyes suddenly made it difficult to breathe. 

‘’There are so many things I want to say to you.’’ He started. ‘’But I’m not going to do this tonight.’’

You were a little relieved, you were too tired and too overwhelmed to hear what he had to say.

‘’For now, I just need you here. I want you here. Do you want to stay the night?’’ 

You nodded, not trusting your voice.

‘’Can I-’’ He chewed on his lips, suddenly very nervous. ‘’Is it ok if I hold you like we used to do?’’ 

It was dark in his room but you could still see that his face had turned a deep shade of red. You felt like your whole body came to life just at the thought of Bucky holding you while you slept. Again not trusting your voice, you just turned to lay on your side with your back facing his chest. Understanding what you were doing, Bucky quickly wrapped his arm around your waist and hugged you tightly against his chest. It had been over a week since you had been this close to each other but your bodies still knew the whole routine like it was yesterday.

His metal arm slid under your pillow so that he could lay closer to you, his flesh hand found its place under your tank top and laid flat on your stomach. Your arm rested on his around your waist and your hand joined his on your stomach, not even a second later he had intertwined your fingers together. He pushed gently on your stomach to bring you closer to his chest, making sure there wasn’t any space between your bodies, but your hair on your neck kept him from resting his head in the crook of your neck. 

‘’Your hair…’’ 

You frowned, confused. Then, you felt your hair on your neck and you understood. You lifted your free hand and pushed your hair back as best as you could. 

‘’Thank you.’’ He whispered. 

A second later, his head rested against the side of your neck. 

It was somewhat of an odd feeling to have this much skin to skin contact with him, he was usually fully clothed around you but somehow it felt… right. His skin was warm and it helped you relax. 

‘’Could we talk, tomorrow?’’ He whispered, not sure if you had fallen asleep or not.

You hesitated. You would have to listen to what he had to say at some point and maybe if you did it sooner rather than later, there might be a chance to salvage your friendship. 

‘’Ok.’’ You agreed. ‘’We’ll talk tomorrow.’’ 

Bucky’s squeezed you even more against him, if it was physically possible, when he heard your answer. He was so relieved that you were finally giving him a chance to talk with you, he almost cried. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He knew that it would take a lot more than a talk to get you to forgive him but agreeing to speak with him was a huge step. 

It was almost frustrating for him to be holding you like this when he knew that you were in love with each other. He wanted so desperately to kiss you and tell you he loved you over and over again until you fell asleep, but he couldn’t. 

Instead, he settled on kissing your neck like he had done almost every night you had slept together. There was this warm feeling that grew in his chest as he saw, and felt, all the goosebumps his kisses were causing because now he knew that it wasn’t because it was tickling you, it was because you loved him.  

You couldn’t believe how easy it was for both you and Bucky to fall back into your old habits. Suddenly the ache that you felt in your muscles, the ache that had been getting worse every day, was gone. Your entire body relaxed and your anxiety just disappeared like it had never been there in the first place. You hated how your mind and body responded to Bucky’s presence, but you also loved it. 

You tried not to think about the painful conversation you were going to have with Bucky the next day. Tonight, you were allowing yourself to fall asleep in the arms of the man that you loved. One last time. Because you felt how Bucky held you a little closer, a little tighter, how his lips lingered a little longer with every kiss and how, usually, he would give you a few kisses and fall asleep but tonight, he barely stopped. It felt like a goodbye. One last time before you went your separate ways. 

But that was a problem for tomorrow. 

Except the next morning when you both woke up, your talk was completely forgotten and pushed at the back of your mind because when you woke up, both of your phones were drowning in notifications that made your heart stop.

BREAKING NEWS: Bomb Went Off In The UN Office in Vienna a Few Minutes Ago, Killing Dozen of People, Including King T’Chaka of Wakanda. More Updates To Come.

BREAKING NEWS: James ‘’Bucky’’ Barnes, Commonly Known As The Winter Soldier, Is Responsible For The Bombing That Killed Dozens of Innocents and Wakanda’s King T’Chaka. Story still developing.

BREAKING NEWS: [Exclusive] Footage of James ‘’Bucky’’ Barnes A.K.A The Winter Soldier Shows Him Outside The Building Minutes Before The Bombing. 

BREAKING NEWS: Authorities Have Put a Warrant Out For James Buchanan Barnes’ Arrest. He Is Considered Armed and Extremely Dangerous. If You See Him, DO NOT Approach. Call 9-1-1 or The Tip Line Provided By The FBI. 

That was barely half an hour ago. You kept scrolling through the headlines, all about the death of King T’Chaka and all saying that Bucky was the one responsible. 

Bucky would never voluntarily hurt anyone. There was no doubt about it, and whoever was trying to frame him didn’t know him at all.

Someone was trying to put the blame on Bucky and you had a bad feeling that they were coming for him.