Missing Piece

The way Bucky had looked at you and took your face in his hands gave you hope that maybe he wasn’t mad. The moment he stepped back and let go of you, you cursed yourself for being so naive. Of course he’d be mad, you lied to him. You were under strict orders to do just that but you could have told him the truth anyway. 

When Bucky put some distance between you, your gaze dropped to the floor. You were scared to look at him, look at his eyes. You didn’t want to see the pain you had caused him. It was getting harder to breathe, like the guilt was compressing your lungs and you had sweaty hands. 

He wanted to talk, but what was there to say? You could apologize, but that wouldn’t change anything. You could try to find dozens of excuses as to why you did what you did, but again it wouldn’t change anything. You had so much you wanted to tell him and yet, nothing came out. You took a deep, yet shallow, breath and finally spoke up; keeping your eyes to the ground. 

‘’Bucky, I am so sorry.’’ You whispered, not trusting your voice to go any higher than that. 

Your fingers played with the hem of your shirt, a nervous habit you had picked up to distract yourself when you couldn’t calm yourself down. 

‘’You probably hate me, and you should. You trusted me and I hurt you.’’ You thought back to the screams you had heard, his screams. ‘’I really wanted to tell you but Fury… I should have told you anyway. I know it doesn’t change anything but I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to-’’ 

You stopped when your voice started to break to take a shaky breath and blinked the tears away. ‘’I didn’t mean to hurt you.’’ You finished. 

Bucky frowned as he listened to you, then his eyes widened as he understood what was happening. He wanted to cut you off but you were rambling and he knew that he needed to let you get it all out. When you stopped talking, he waited a few seconds and when he saw that you were done he took a step forward. You still wouldn’t look at him. He put one of his hands on your arm and with the other, he placed a finger under your chin to tilt your head up so you’d have no choice but to look at him. His heart clenched as he saw all the pain in your eyes. The finger moved away from your chin so that his, now free, hand could cradle the side of your face.

He shook his head slightly. ‘’Baby, that’s not what I meant. I’m not mad or hurt and I certainly don’t hate you.’’

Your eyes moved so you wouldn’t look at him anymore. He sighed softly.

‘’Please look at me.’’ He pleaded, his thumb stroking your cheek a few times.

You took your bottom lip between your teeth and started chewing on it as you brought your gaze back on Bucky’s face. 

‘’I don’t hate you.’’ He repeated, looking straight into your eyes.

His thumb moved to the skin under your bottom lip and gently pulled down until you let go of your lip. It was a shade darker than usual and slightly swollen, he brushed his thumb over it to soothe the skin of your bottom lip.

‘’You were doing so good.’’ He said, referring to how you had almost completely stopped chewing on your lip all the time.

‘’Sorry.’’ You whispered.

You didn’t know if you were being overly emotional because you were exhausted or because you had been so scared Bucky was going to cut ties with you; or both. All you knew is that every time he said something you felt like crying. 

You were still playing with the hem of your shirt. You hated this feeling. The feeling of not knowing what was going to happen, not knowing how to act. No matter what he said, something had changed whether you wanted it or not and things weren’t going to be the way they used to be. 

He looked down to see your hands on your shirt, another sign that you were anxious. He knew all the signs and he hated that at that moment, he could just go down the list of signs that you were anxious and just check them off one by one because every time his eyes wandered on you, he could see one of them. 

His hands ran down your arms until they were on yours and he gently took your hands in his hands, he wasn’t holding them very tightly to give you a chance to move them away if you didn’t want him to be touching you. 

You felt your shoulders slightly relax at the touch; it was familiar, grounding. You were home. 

When you didn’t move away from him, Bucky intertwined your fingers from both hands and tightened his hold on them. He leaned down towards you until your foreheads were resting against one another. He had missed being this close to you so much. Even more than he had realized, until now. Your hair was still wet from the shower you had taken on your way home and as he breathed you in, he felt his heart flutter at the smell of your shampoo. He didn’t know exactly what you used but it smelled like raspberries and something citrus-y, whatever it was he loved it.

He brushed his nose against your nose a few times, his forehead still resting on yours. 

You were relaxing more and more with every touch, every word and just from being with Bucky in general. You had missed the way he looked at you, the way he talked to you and called you baby, the way he touched you like you were the most fragile thing on this Earth but with enough confidence to shatter you. You were terrified to be needing him this much in your life. It was scary to open yourself up like this to someone else. Though, you thought that Bucky was the perfect person to open yourself up to. 

‘’You with me baby?’’ His eyes were looking for yours, you had clearly been lost in your head, thinking. 

‘’Yes.’’ You squeezed his hands. 

‘’We do need to talk but not because I’m mad or sad. Today was just… a lot. We can talk about it in the morning but, are you ok?’’

You were surprised at his question, you could see how worried he had been.

‘’Yes, I’m fine. I can’t get hurt.’’ You shrugged.

His right hand let go of yours, moving to go rest on your cheek. His thumb automatically started brushing against your skin, back and forth, like it always did.

‘’I know that you’re ok physically, but that’s not what I meant. Are you ok?’’ He repeated the question.

You nodded.

‘’I’ll be fine, it wasn’t the first time I had to… clean up for Fury.’’ 

His eyes darkened at your words. SHIELD wasn’t that much better than Hydra. Maybe you weren’t being tortured or held against your will, but there weren’t a lot of differences between what Hydra had done to him and what SHIELD was doing to you. You were their own little unkillable assassin. The way you had moved around the room, he could tell it wasn’t even close to being the first time you had done this. He wanted to talk about it more but he could see how exhausted you were and decided against pushing for more answers. 

‘’You should change into your pyjamas and get some sleep. You must be exhausted.’’

You simply nodded and got out of Bucky’s embrace. You shivered as he wasn’t close enough anymore for you to feel the heat coming off of his body. 

You grabbed your shorts and t-shirt and went into the bathroom to change. Your eyelids were getting heavier with every second that passed and it felt like you were moving in slow-motion. When you came back out, Bucky had picked up your bag and placed it on the ground next to your closet so you wouldn’t trip on it. When he saw you step out of the bathroom, he quickly walked around the bed to ‘’your’’ side and lifted the covers, motionning for you to come lay down. Which you gladly did.

Your mattress and pillows felt like heaven after sleeping on the ground for days. 

Bucky lowered back the covers once you had laid on your bed and smiled down at you.

‘’Do you want me to leave?’’ He whispered.

‘’No, stay.’’ You said quickly, a little too quickly for your taste. ‘’Please.’’

He took off his boots and jeans, turned off the light and laid down beside you. He rolled on his side to be able to look at you. 

‘’Want me to hold you?’’ He offered, making you melt. 

Relief washed over you, he really wasn’t mad at you. Instead of answering, you moved until your back rested against his chest and quickly his arm wrapped around you, his hand sneaking under your shirt to find its place on your stomach. He nuzzled his face against the crook of your neck, giving small kisses on your shoulder. 

‘’Good night baby.’’ He whispered directly in your ear before going back to the crook of your neck.

You shivered from both his kisses and words. You rested your arm and hand on top of his and your fingers intertwined on your stomach. You mumbled a small ‘’good night.’’ before quickly falling asleep.

You had been extremely exhausted from your day and being away from Bucky, you hadn’t been able to have a good night of sleep the whole time you were on your assignment. The moment Bucky held you in his arms, your body finally allowed you to get some rest. You were safe. You were home. 

Bucky fell asleep quickly after you.

You woke up a few hours later. It was still dark outside, meaning it was still the middle of the night. You were shaking and your head was pounding. You lifted Bucky’s arm so you could get up and put your pillow against his chest before gently putting his arm back down around it so as to not disturb his sleep. 

You walked into the bathroom and softly shut the door behind you. You turned on the light and regretted it instantly. The harsh light only made your headache hurt more. You dimmed the light until it was almost completely dark and sat on the floor. You were hit by several waves of pain washing over your body, making you double over as you held onto your stomach. You were sweating so much your hair and clothes stuck to your skin, making you incredibly uncomfortable. You moved on the floor until your back was resting against the wall and your side against the tub. The tub and the floor were cold, which helped to make your body temperature be a little more bearable. Your head fell to the side and you rested your forehead against the tub, looking to cool down some more. 

The waves of pain were getting worse by the minute and you couldn’t stop the soft whimpers that escaped your lips. 

Bucky moved in his sleep to pull you closer but when he squeezed the pillow, his body felt like something was wrong and he woke up. He opened his eyes and looked down to where you would usually be in his arms and was surprised to find your pillow. For a second he thought that maybe he had imagined you coming home then he heard noises coming from the bathroom. If it weren’t for his enhanced hearing, he probably wouldn’t have heard them. He lifted his head to look back over his shoulder and saw the soft glow peeking from underneath the bathroom door. He sighed with relief that you coming back hadn’t been a part of his imagination. Relief that quickly faded away when he heard the noises again. It sounded like whimpers, like you were hurt. He quickly sat up and threw the covers off of his body and walked to the bathroom door. He knocked gently, tilting his head to the side so his ear would be closest to the door.

‘’Baby doll? Are you okay?’’

You jumped slightly when you heard the knock. You had tried so hard not to wake him up. You opened your mouth to tell him that you were fine and that he should go back to bed but all that came out was another whimper, this time louder. 

‘’I’m coming in.’’ He twisted the knob and was happy to see that you hadn’t locked the door. 

He fully opened it, his eyes looking for you until he saw your small body sitting in the corner, shaking from the pain. His heartbeat picked up as the panic settled into his mind. He rushed over to you, falling to his knees in front of you. He looked you over, quickly assessing if you were hurt anywhere. You were sweating like you had just run a marathon, your hair was sticking to your neck and face and your clothes were darkened from the sweat. 

‘’Baby what’s wrong?’’ The urgency could be heard in his tone, not even trying to hide how worried he was. 

You looked up to meet his eyes, though your vision was blurry from both the pain and the tears. You tried to take a deep breath to speak but it only made you whine, it felt like your lungs were on fire. It took you several tries but you finally managed to speak.

‘’It’s normal.’’ You paused, out of breath. ‘’It happens every time- every time I- I regenerate.’’ You tried to explain.

The serum was always inside of you, you weren’t exactly sure how it worked, but from what was explained to you it used some biomarkers inside of your body to determine when it needed to activate and when those biomarkers were released in your body by specific hormones, the serum ran through your veins and that’s what protected you. You couldn’t be harmed physically and you couldn’t die from your injuries but internally you’d still get hurt. It's just that you healed automatically as the injuries were projected onto the other person. After a few hours where your body had time to cool down and the serum stopped actively going through your veins, you could feel every injury that was inflicted. Usually no one was around to witness it. You had been so relieved to finally be able to see Bucky that you hadn’t thought about what was to come, you were angry at yourself for not making him leave earlier so he wouldn’t have had to see this. 

‘’This is normal?’’ His eyes wide with shock. 

You barely nodded. 

‘’What can I do?’’

You had never had someone with you through this, you usually just cried and hoped you’d pass out from the pain.

‘’I don’t know…’’ You whispered, your eyes closing. 

‘’Hey.’’ Bucky took your face in his hands. ‘’Open your eyes. Look at me.’’

You slowly opened your eyes, your eyelids felt like they weighed a ton.

‘’There she is.’’ He smiled down at you. ‘’I’m gonna take care of you.’’ He gently let go of your face and quickly stood up.

He looked around your bathroom and grabbed a hair tie, a washcloth and filled up the glass that was on the counter full of cold water. He kneeled back down next to you and put everything on the floor next to him. 

‘’Can you move at all?’’ He asked.

Your eyes found his, and you frowned. You didn’t want to move, you needed the cold.

‘’Just for a sec, I promise.’’ He grabbed your ankles and gently pulled until your back wasn’t resting against the wall anymore. 

You whined. 

‘’I know baby, I’m sorry.’’ He stood on his knees and towered over you. He reached around you and gently pulled back all of your hair, grabbing every little piece that stuck to your skin. Once he had every little piece in his hand, he grabbed the hair tie from the floor and with his other hand he tied up your hair away from your face and neck. Once your hair was secure, he gently pushed you back in the corner. You sighed at both the feeling of your neck and face being free and being against the cold surfaces again. 

‘’Thank you.’’ You mumbled, curling up on yourself again.

A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. He took the glass of water and raised it towards you. ‘’Can you take a sip?’’

You looked at the water and hesitated. 

‘’For me?’’ He added, pleading. 

‘’Ok…’’ You agreed but didn’t move to take it. 

Bucky chuckled slightly. He absolutely hated to see you like this but you still managed to look extremely adorable. He lifted the glass until it reached your lips and he rested the rim on them, waiting for you to do the rest. 

You parted your lips and tilted your head back, drinking. The cold water actually felt really nice. You gulped the whole thing down and Bucky smiled, putting the glass back on the counter behind him. He turned to face you again and raised his thumb to your face, wiping away some of the water that had spilled. He then moved to the side and turned the knob for the bath so that water started coming out. He waited until the water was cold, but not too cold, and took the washcloth. He held it until the running water and once it was soaked he twisted it to get the excess out and started wiping your face gently with it to cool you down. He moved to your neck and then to your shoulders, put it under the running water again and started the process all over again. He stopped when he noticed you were shivering. He turned off the water and wiped his flesh hand on his t-shirt before touching your face. He was relieved to see you weren’t boiling hot anymore. 

Bucky cleaned up around him quickly and leaned down to kiss your forehead. 

‘’I’ll get you some dry clothes.’’ He stood up and disappeared into your room. 

He went through your drawers, the ones he knew you kept your clothes in and started to look for comfy clothes and underwear. He felt bad for going through that specific drawer without asking first but he’d apologize for that later. He took the clothes to you and laid them down next to you. 

‘’I’ll let you change. Take your time, let me know when you’re done.’’

He waited until you gave him any kind of sign that you had heard him before walking out again and closing the door behind him. 

It took you 10 minutes to change. Well, technically it took you 5 minutes to move and then 5 minutes to change. 

‘’I’m done.’’ You spoke up, though you knew you could have whispered and he probably would have heard you. 

He opened the door and smiled at you. He grabbed your wet, discarded clothes and threw them in the hamper. 

‘’Do you want to go back to bed?’’ He kneeled down next to you and gently stroked the top of your head.

Your body seemed to have calmed down, maybe you’d be able to fall back asleep. You were surprised at how easy this time had been. You weren’t sure if it was because Bucky was there or because he took care of you but whatever it was, it worked.

‘’I want to go back to bed.’’ You finally answered. 

He grinned and stood up. You waited for him to offer his hands to help you up but instead he leaned down and picked you up from the floor, like you weighed next to nothing. One arm was wrapped around your back while the other was under the back of your knees. He walked over to the bed and gently laid you down. He tucked you in and straightened his back.

‘’Do you need anything?’’

‘’No, I’m ok.’’ You smiled.

‘’You sure?’’

You nodded.

‘’Just need you.’’ You admitted, heat creeping up your neck and cheeks. 

He walked around the bed and joined you under the covers, quickly wiggling to you to rest his chest against your back. His arm and hand went back to their usual places and Bucky squeezed you against him. 

‘’I’m right here baby.’’ He gave you a quick kiss right behind your ear. ‘’How are you feeling?’’ He whispers. 

His thumb was stroking the skin of your stomach and you were surprised at how soothing that small touch was. 

‘’Much better. Thank you Bucky.’’

‘’Don’t have to thank me.’’ He snaked his other arm under your pillow and somehow moved even closer, making you relax. 

He kissed the back of your neck softly, then moved to the side of your neck; giving you small kisses starting from below your ear all the way down to your shoulder. He had picked a tank top for you to wear in case you’d get hot again and he couldn’t resist kissing all the exposed flesh that was right in front of him. Your skin was so soft. He also loved to see all the little goosebumps that appeared on your skin wherever his lips had just touched you. 

‘’Baby?’’ He mumbled against your skin. 

You had been so focused on trying not to stop breathing from all the affection he had been giving you, you almost didn’t hear him.

‘’Yes, James?’’ 

He decided to ignore how hearing his first name coming out of your mouth made his stomach flutter. 

‘’Next time you’re in pain, wake me up, k?’’

‘’Promise.’’ 

As he brushed his lips on the skin of your neck a few more times before nuzzling his face against the side of your neck, he surprised himself at how tactile he was being with you tonight. He blamed it on the fact that you had been gone for days and the fact that he thought he had watched you die. 

You fell asleep quite fast after that, you were more than exhausted, but Bucky tried to stay awake for a little while longer. Until he was sure that you were completely asleep and that it seemed like you were going to be ok. He fell asleep 30 minutes after you, not being able to stay awake any longer.

Through the rest of the night, every time you stirred in your sleep or made the tiniest of sounds, Bucky would open his eyes and watch over you and then went back to sleep when he knew you were ok. 

When he woke up in the morning, he was exhausted but he didn’t care. All he cared about was your wellbeing. 

He woke up before you and decided to let you sleep a while longer, you desperately needed it. Unfortunately, you weren’t going to be able to sleep in today. 

FRIDAY’s voice came over the speaker. ‘’Agent Nineteen?’’

You stirred in your sleep a little bit but didn’t wake up. 

‘’Baby doll?’’ He tried tickling your side softly until your eyes finally opened. ‘’Hey there.’’ 

‘’Agent Nineteen?’’ FRIDAY asked again.

You mumbled something incoherent but that sounded like ‘’yes FRIDAY?’’ and it made Bucky chuckle. 

‘’Director Fury is expecting you in the conference room in 20 minutes for the debriefing with the rest of the team.’’

You groaned. The last thing you wanted this morning was to be in a room full of people. Especially not with Fury. 

‘’We’ll be there.’’ Bucky answered for you. 

You were surprised at Bucky’s answer. Technically, he wasn’t an agent nor an Avenger. He never came to these meetings. You stretched your entire body and whined at how sore it felt. 

‘’Are you ok?’’ Bucky asked quickly at the sound of your whine.

‘’Yes, my body just hurts like I was ran over by a couple of trains.’’

‘’You should go take a shower.’’

‘’Do I stink?’’ You scrunched up your nose, trying to see if you could pick up on any bad smell.

Bucky laughed and shook his head. ‘’You don’t stink, but hot water will make you feel better. It’ll make your muscles relax.’’ 

‘’That’s actually a really good idea.’’ You turned on your back and sat up, Bucky’s arm falling to your waist.

He looked up at you. ‘’Why are you saying it’s a good idea like you’re surprised? I’m not just a pretty face you know.’’

You rolled your eyes and looked down at him, you gently patted his cheek a few times. ‘’Keep telling yourself that.’’

You jumped out of bed before he had time to process what you had said, grabbed some clothes and ran to the bathroom. Just as you closed the door you heard a pillow hit it. You cracked the door open just enough to stick out your head. ‘’Too slow.’’ You teased before closing the door quickly again, hearing another pillow being thrown. 

You laughed and took a quick shower. As you were getting ready, you looked at yourself in the mirror and sighed. You were feeling like yourself again and it felt good. 

When you exited the bathroom, the pillows had been picked up and your bed was made. Though Bucky was nowhere to be found. You walked over to your bed and saw a small note left on the covers. 

Went to get dressed. Meet you there.

You left your room shortly after and made your way up to the conference room. When you entered the room, Fury waved you over instantly. He was standing next to the giant table, pointed to a chair and had you sit down right next to him, the first seat to the side. Bucky walked in shortly after and took the seat next to you. 

He smiled at you, trying to reassure you. You hadn’t even noticed that you were nervous until you saw the way he looked at you. You smiled back to let him know you were okay. 

Fury stood up at the end of the table and waited until everyone was silent before talking. 

‘’As I’m sure you all know by now, the recon mission that went down this week was a trap.’’ He started. ‘’Captain Rogers and Agent Nineteen were taken but thankfully neither of them were harmed.’’

Bucky scoffed at the last part of his sentence. Fury glared at him before turning his attention back to the group. 

‘’I’m sure you’ve all heard about Agent Nineteen’s particular abilities. Abilities that had been kept secret until yesterday for her safety and everyone else’s. Now that it’s out, I thought we’d watch what happened yesterday so that everyone could see how much of an asset Agent Nineteen is.’’

You stiffened. He wasn’t really going to show the video, right?

Except he did.

As he pressed play, everyone’s eyes were glued to the screen; all but your own and Bucky’s. You kept your gaze on the table in front of you. The team gasped at, what you guessed to be, the moment the knife was supposed to slice your throat. Then the fight came on and finally the final kill. The audio had been cut, thankfully. 

The screen went black and suddenly everyone’s eyes were on you. You wanted to disappear. You looked up to Fury, he had a proud look on his face. 

You weren’t proud of what happened. You killed men. They were bad men granted, but still they were lives you took. You hated that part but Fury had always been really clear about one thing: anyone who saw you use your abilities couldn’t stay alive. You couldn’t risk your secret getting out. You had to make sure of that. The pain from the night before was still very fresh on your mind, which didn’t help your frustrations. You could tell Bucky was tense beside you, you just couldn’t say why. 

‘’Her purpose on this team is to make sure that every single one of you comes back from your missions, unharmed.’’ Nick added.

‘’All unharmed, except her.’’ Bucky spoke up. 

You turned your head to look at him but his eyes were on Fury.

‘’Barnes.’’ He warned. 

‘’If you’re going to tell everyone what she can do, then you should talk about what it does to her.’’

Bucky looked angry, like you had rarely seen him. Fury didn’t look better either. 

You were starting to get anxious, your leg started bouncing up and down, nervously and your teeth found your bottom lip again; chewing on it.

‘’A very small price to pay in exchange of the safety of the team.’’ Nick crossed his arms. 

Anyone would have been scared of the look on his face, anyone except Bucky. 

‘’A small price to pay?’’ He laughed dryly. ‘’A small price to pay ?!?’’ He repeated louder. 

‘’Bucky.’’ You whispered, he looked at you. ‘’It’s not worth it, let it go.’’

‘’No, I’m not letting it go.’’ He stood up and looked at the people around the table. ‘’Did you know that whenever she uses her abilities she gets sick? She’s in so much pain she can barely move. For hours.’’

He turned to look at Fury. ‘’And the emotional toll he takes on her.’’

‘’What are you even doing here? You’re not part of SHIELD or a part of the Avengers.’’ 

‘’I’m here to call you out on your shit. What you’re doing with her is not better than what Hydra did with me.’’ 

That set off Fury.

‘’Watch your mouth.’’ He warned again.

Bucky scoffed. ‘’Truth hurts, uh?’’

You kept looking at the two men fighting, getting even more anxious and restless every time their voices got louder. 

‘’Don’t pretend like the well-being of this team is one of your priorities, Barnes.’’ Fury was almost screaming. ‘’Why are you here? Why do you care?’’

Bucky’s right hand hit the table, hard, making everyone jump; especially you.

He was full on screaming. ‘’Because I-’’ He pointed to himself. ‘’I am the one who had to stay up all night to take care of her.’’

You flinched at his words, finally making you look away. He had to take care of you, he didn’t want to. He just had to. 

Steve noticed the way you flinched. ‘’Buck…’’ He called out.

‘’What?’’ He snapped at him. 

Steve motioned to you with his chin, making him look down. He didn’t understand why you looked so sad until he remembered what he had said. He quickly sat down and tried to get you to look at him.

‘’That’s not what I meant…’’ He reached over to you to take your hand but you quickly stood up. 

‘’Now that everyone knows I’m just here to be their human shield, I’m gonna go. I’m sorry for being a burden.’’ You said to no one in particular and quickly left the room before anyone could see you cry.