Missing Piece

When Steve first mentioned that Bucky would soon join them at the new house, everybody got a little wiry. The Winter Soldier’s reputation preceded him everywhere he went, his past was far from being a secret, whether you were an avenger or not.

You had gotten pretty close to Steve after you joined the team. Everyone had welcomed you with open arms and you had nothing to complain about, but Steve always went the extra mile. When you first moved in, he always made sure you were included in their group activities, if no one wanted to train with you he would always volunteer quickly so you wouldn’t feel like an outsider. The team had been together for a very long time before your arrival and it was never easy to let anyone in and to trust them, especially in life or death situations.

Steve had even made sure that your room was on the same floor as his so you’d know you always had someone you trusted around. He treated you like his baby sister and you loved it. He told you all about his life pre-serum and post-serum, telling you everything about his history with Bucky, never calling him once by the name Hydra had given him. You had heard so much about Bucky that you felt like you already knew him. You got excited when Steve told everyone he was going to join the team, from all the stories you had heard from Steve, he was definitely someone you wanted to have watching your back and to have as a friend.

Steve walked in first to make sure that not everyone was waiting for them, like he had asked, as to not overwhelm Bucky as soon as he stepped inside. No one was really looking forward to meeting him, anyway. When he saw that the coast was clear, he gestured for Bucky to come in.

You had been reading in the other room, close to the front door, when you heard the door open, some shuffling and the door close. You stood up from the couch, securing your bookmark in between two pages before closing your book and holding it close to your chest as you walked over, grinning at Steve.

‘’You’re back!!’’

You looked around, not seeing Bucky anywhere. You frowned. You took a few steps towards Steve to hug him and that’s when you saw him, standing behind his best friend. Almost hiding.

You gave your friend a big hug before smiling at Bucky.

‘’Hi.’’

Bucky nodded towards you, not saying a word and avoiding eye contact. He looked at the book you were holding and focused on it instead of you. You kept your eyes on him for a few moments, looking at his face and how exhausted he looked. Not only physically but emotionally and mentally. You wanted to hug him so badly, tell him that he’s finally safe but you didn’t. You knew it would take some time before Bucky warmed up to you, and you were willing to wait.

After that day, you weren’t hanging out with Steve as much as you used to do. You didn’t want to force his best friend to be around you, and Steve was the only person he knew and trusted so of course they were always together. You spent most of your days training at the gym or reading in your room, leaving the door open almost hoping someone would come over and talk to you but without Steve, you were always alone.

You were surprised when one day, as you were reading yet again, Steve knocked on your door before walking in, Bucky following right behind him. The soldier gave you a small nod before walking over to your book shelf and looking at every book you owned. Making a mental list of the ones he would to borrow one day.

Steve sat down next to you on your bed and wrapped his right arm around your shoulders, hugging you.

‘’Hi.’’ He grinned down at you.

‘’Hey, stranger.’’ You smiled, hugging him back.

He held you close to his chest, your head on his shoulder as you played with his fingers.

You were a very anxious person, always worrying about something or overthinking situations that happened long ago or could happen in the future, near or far. Steve picked up on it really quickly after meeting you. He did some research on anxiety and read somewhere that hugging anxious people helped calm them down, if they were ok with being touched. The next time he saw you, he told you everything he had learned about the subject. It touched you that someone had taken the time to look up ways to help you and to better understand you. You told him that you had read the same thing but you didn’t know if it worked with you because no one ever hugged you.

The next time he saw you getting anxious, he walked slowly towards you and held his arms open, giving you the choice whether you wanted to be touched or not at this moment. You didn’t hesitate before walking into his opened arms, wrapping your own around his torso and closing your eyes, resting your head on his chest. He hugged you so tightly, it was almost difficult to breathe but for some reason it only made you feel safer. From that moment on, he was always hugging you or holding your hands to ground you. The heroes living with them had gotten used to it but Bucky was surprised when he turned around to see you all over each other.

He noticed how relaxed you both looked, how at peace you seemed to be and he almost asked you to hug him in the same way but instead looked away, staring out the window. The thought of you touching him made his heart flutter while terrifying him at the same time. When strangers touch him, it never ends well for Bucky. Afterthe super soldiers left your room that night, Bucky asked Steve if you were his girlfriend and when Steve said no, he asked why he was holding you as ifyou were, that’s when he told him about your anxiety and that it was one of the ways he had found to ground you toreality when your mind started to go into the big, black hole that made you lose touch with your rationality.

Bucky spent the entire night reading about it on the internet, a tool he had found useful ever since he had ran away from Hydra, surprised to see that there were actual scientific researches about the whole thing. He thought about all the nights he had spent awake and terrified to go to sleep because of the things he would see once he closed his eyes, wondering if he had someone to hug would make him feel better. If he had you to hug. Without even knowing why, he realized that he had never craved someone’s touch more than he did yours. Maybe together you could help the other one heal but first he had to get over his fear of people touching him.

He decided to start small. Steve had told him multiple times that you weren’t scared of him but he wasn’t completely convinced, he was careful to not give you any reason to actually fear him.

Bucky joined yours and Steve’s conversations more often, not talking much but still participating. The first time you heard him laugh at something Steve had said, you thought your heart was literally going to melt in your chest. His eyes had lit up, the little creases around his eyes deepened and you swore in this moment you’d do anything to hear him laugh again.

After a while, you started to notice that Bucky was opening up to you more every day. You were happy about it; and scared you might do something wrong and make him shut you out like he did the rest of the people living with you.

A few weeks later, he started seeking you out on his own. Steve was gone on a mission for Fury, Bucky panicked, it’ll be the first time Steve would leave him on his own since he was brought to the house. Steve had told him that he’ll be okay, he wasn’t really alone. You were there, he could trust you. Then, it dawned on him. He was finally be able to spend time alone with you, without having to ask Steve and explain why he wanted to be alone with you. Panic was quickly replaced by excitement.

You were in your room, sitting at your desk for once, looking at videos Steve had been sending you during his flight. You rolled your eyes every time you received a new link. The poor man thought he had just discovered all the hidden gems of the internet and you didn’t have the heart to tell him these videos had been going around for years. You were about to write back to him when you heard a small knock on your opened door. You almost jumped at the sound, no one ever came around when Steve was gone, you weren’t expecting anyone. You turned around in your chair and couldn’t stop the grin that spread on your face.

‘’Come in, James. You don’t need to knock.’’ You waved for him to come in.

His knees almost buckled under his weight every time you said his name. He had always hated it when people called him James but when you do, it had such an effect on him that he was sure he’d be ready to do anything for you as long as you kept calling him James. He cursed at himself in his head, he used to be so smooth. One tiny smirk and girls would line up to go out with him. He always knew what to say, how to make the girls blush. Now here he was, not being able to make a sound while blushing, just because you smiled at him and called him by his name.

He cleared his throat before talking, not trusting his voice after his little moment of weakness. He gave you a small smile and pointed his thumb over his shoulder, at your book shelf.

‘’I was- I was wondering if I could maybe borrow a book? I promise I’ll bring it back. It can be anything.. even if there’s some pages missing or somethin’..’’ He bit his lower lip to shut himself up, rambling too much for his own taste. You don’t think you had heard him say that many words in a row before and you tried to ignore the little butterflies that erupted in your stomach, all just from hearing the sound of his voice.

You brought a hand to your chest, pretending to be offended. Bucky opened his eyes wide when he saw your expression and cursed at himself, once again. Of course you wouldn’t want to lend him anything, he thought. It was stupid of him to even ask. Why would you trust him with anything? After everything he’s done, he’s surprised you even felt comfortable having him in your room.

‘’You think that I-’’ You paused dramatically. ‘’I have books with pages missing? Mr. Barnes.’’ You shook your head before continuing. ‘’I thought you knew me better than this.’’

He looked at you for a few seconds before laughing. It was definitely not the answer he was expecting. He was full on laughing, like he had done with Steve a few days ago, and you were glad you were still sitting because your knees went weak, once again, at the sound.

You.

You had made Bucky Barnes laugh.

‘’Sorry doll, won’t make that mistake again.’’ He told you once he had stopped laughing.

You definitely needed to stay on the chair, your legs couldn’t be trusted around him, the new nickname having the same effect on you as his laugh.

Your cheeks felt hot as a bright pink crept up on your neck, all the way to your ears. Bucky noticed the sudden change of color on your face but didn’t say anything about it. He caught himself thinking about how soft your skin looked and about how much he wanted to brush his fingers on your cheeks.

‘’You can take whichever book you want, just not the one on my nightstand because I’m reading it.’’ You smiled.

It took Bucky about 5 minutes before finally picking a book. Well, actually it had taken him one minute to decide and 4 minutes to try to find an excuse to try and stay with you longer but he couldn’t think of anything. He grabbed the book and turned around, facing you to thank you and started walking out when you called out to him.

‘’Actually, I’d feel better if you read the book in my room. You talking about book missing pages worries me a little.’’ You teased, hoping he would stay with you.

He chuckled and walked back inside, holding both his hands up in surrender, one of them still holding the book. His heart started to beat faster at the simple thought of you wanting him around.

‘’Fair enough.’’ He smiled.

You pointed to the bean bag chair sitting in the corner, close to the book shelf and then to your bed.

‘’You can either sit there or on my bed.’’ Her eyes lit up and he recognized that look. He had seen it hundreds of times on Steve. That’s the look that came before he made a joke about him. ‘’Although, you might be too old to sit in a bean bag chair.’’ You stood up, pretending to look for the tag that had the warnings on it. ‘’How old are you? I think this if for child over 4 and adults under 70.’’

There it is. You had definitely been spending too much time with Steve, he thought before sticking his tongue out at you.

‘’My knees are probably in a better shape than yours.’’ He teased back before sitting on your bed, his back against the headboard.

You chuckled. ‘’Oh, most definitely.’’

You spent the entire day in your room reading while sitting next to Bucky on your bed. Never touching him, but being close enough that you could feel his warmth.

He couldn’t focus on the book at all, his thoughts always going back to how close you were sitting and how if he juststretchedhis hand out a tiny bit, he’d be able to hold your hand or wondering how it would feel to have you all snuggled up against his chest. He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t feel you moving your hand towardshis arm. You wanted to read to himsomething in your book that you thoughthe would love and without thinking you reached out to him to get his attention. Before you could even touch him, Bucky flinched so hard you thought he was going to fall off the bed. You brought your hand back to your body, holding it close to your chest.

‘’Bucky, I’m so sorry. I- I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.’’

Tears started to blur your vision. You felt bad for not thinking before acting, you were scared that you had crossed a line and that he wouldn’t want to be around you and a small part of you felt sad that he didn’t want you touching him. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, so the tears wouldn’t fall. You weren’t about to cry in front of Bucky when he was the one that needed comforting.

‘’It’s okay.’’ He reassured you but it wasn’t okay. He was mad at himself for reacting in the way he did, when literally just seconds before all he could think about was feeling your skin against his own.

After what your refer to in your head as ‘’the incident’’, you were very careful to avoid any physical contact with Bucky. Every time you could feel him or his body temperature, you would take a few steps in the opposite direction to put some distance between the two of you.

Something Steve noticed the few days after he had came back from his mission. Bucky seemed almost sad and you well, guilt was clearly eating at you. Steve could tell something had changed while he was away but he didn’t know what. He didn’t ask questions, you would tell him in your own time.

It had been a week since Steve had gotten back from his latest mission and he decided that a movie night was very much needed. He told everyone to be in the living room at 8pm sharp and that everyone had to wear their best Pjs.

‘’Yes Bucky that also includes you.’’ He added before his best friend had even opened his mouth to ask the question. He mumbled something under his breath, something only the other super soldier could hear. Whatever was said, it made Steve roll his eyes and chuckle to himself.

You ate dinner in your room, something that happened quite often, and decided to watch a few episodes of your favorite show while you finished dinner. You completely lost track of time, until FRIDAY’s voice echoed in your room.

‘’Captain Rogers would like to know if, and I quote, you had any intention on joining them in this lifetime?’’

You looked at the clock and cursed, running to the living room. Everyone was already sitting down and were waiting for you. You whispered a small ‘’sorry’’ before looking around to find an empty seat. There was one. Next to Bucky. You felt a little bit of anger towards your teammates for not wanting to sit next to him, it had been over a month since he had moved in, it was time they started warming up to him.

Little did you know that the empty spot next to Bucky had been left empty on purpose. He had been one of the firsts in the living room, he wanted to sit on the small sofa and to not be piled up on the big couch with everyone else. Every time someone had tried sitting down next to him, he glared at them until they sat somewhere else. Even Steve.

Tony almost warned you to not sit next to Bucky, that he didn’t want anyone sitting next to him but stopped himself as you sat down. Everyone was surprised that Bucky hadn’t glared at you, if they looked close enough they could almost see him smiling at you. A light bulb went off in Steve’s head and he smirked, understanding what was happening.

You were nervous to be sitting this close to Bucky, there was absolutely no space for you to move. You tried to stay as still as you possibly could to make sure you weren’t going to touch him by accident.

Bucky was looking at the screen but he wasn’t watching the movie. He noticed how you tried not to move but all he wanted was for you to be close to him, a lot closer than you were right now. He was racking his brain, trying to find a way to let you know what he wanted without having to actually say it out loud. He looked down at your hand that was laying flat on your thigh. The Avengers were way too engrossed in the movie to notice if he decided to reach over to you and held your hand.

He missed his old life. He missed his old self, the man he was wouldn’t be nervous at the idea of holding your hand. Hell, the old Bucky would probably be all over you; holding your hand, hugging you, kissing your cheeks and playing with your hair while you had your head on his shoulder.

You were sitting in a weird position and your butt started to feel numb. You needed to move. Looking at Bucky from the corner of your eye, you took your hands away from your thighs so you could uncross your legs and stretch them. You had been so focus on his face that you never saw his hand that had almost reached yours before you knocked into it as you moved. That also meant you didn’t miss the way Bucky flinched and recoiled, moving moreto his side of the sofa. Your heart tightened in your chest, a selfish part of you was hoping that Bucky would trust you by now.

You stood up so fast that everyone’s attention was on you instead of the screen.

‘’I don’t feel like watching a movie, I’m going to bed.’’ You mumbled before storming out of the living room. Bucky clearly didn’t want you anywhere near him and he should be able to enjoy the movie without having you ruining his night. You were always hiding in your room anyway, no one would miss you.

Steve looked at Bucky as confusion could be read all over his face, he frowned and waited for Bucky to say something but he just shrugged and looked away. From the outside, Bucky looked like he wasn’t fazed but inside, he wanted to explode. He couldn’t believe it happened, again. He didn’t mean to flinch, and hurt your feelings in the process.

The blonde stood up and walked over to your room. He listened for a few seconds to see if you were sleeping and when he heard you moving around, he knocked gently.

‘’Toots?’’ He called out. Steve had called you that once and you had hated it, so of course Steve started using it all the time and you secretly started loving it.

You opened the door and smiled at Steve. ‘’What’s up?’’

‘’Wanna tell me what happened with Buck?’’

You sighed and stepped aside, letting him in and closing the door behind him. You sat down on your bed and shrugged.

‘’I don’t think Bucky likes me that much. I thought we were getting along fine but he keeps flinching whenever I touch him and I totally understand why, with everything that happened to him but I don’t know.’’ You sighed and looked down. ‘’He almost looks disgusted every time I touch him by accident.’’

Steve started laughing, almost uncontrollably, the kind of laugh that would be contagious if it didn’t feel like he was laughing at you. You raised an eyebrow, frowning. You crossed your arms over your chest, hurt.

‘’Are you laughing at me?’’ He stopped laughing almost instantly and he shook his head, walking over to you quickly and sat down besides you.

‘’No. No, absolutely not.’’ He grabbed your hands. ‘’It’s just that Bucky is nervous around you.’’

‘’But why? He looks fine around other people. Did I do something wrong? If I did something he should tell me so I don’t do it again.’’ You pleaded.

‘’I assure you, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s the opposite. You’ve been nothing but sweet to him and he’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He doesn’t think he deserves kindness, from anyone, especially not from you. He’s so used to have people turn on him, he’s expecting the same to happen with you. Not that you would turn on him, but y’know.’’ He squeezed your hands.

You nodded. Of course you knew. Bucky spent the last 70 years being manipulated and tortured by people who claimed they were on his side. You wish you could make him see and understand that he isn’t the Winter Soldier anymore, that what happened was out of his control and that he deserved kindness and love as much as any of them did.

‘’I can’t believe I made this about me.’’ You dropped your head in your hands. ‘’I’m sorry, Steve.’’

‘’Stop it, don’t feel bad. This isn’t a ‘’normal’’ situation. It’s totally understandable for you to be confused. I’ve known Bucky my whole life, I can read him like a book otherwise I’d probably feel the same way you do.’’

‘’I should probably go apologize to him.’’ You started getting up.

‘’Apologize for what? For having feelings and being confused as to how to act because it’s your first time being around a former brain-washed assassin? Toots, there’s nothing to apologize for. It’s human nature, I’m sure he’s not upset with you in any way.’’

He wrapped his hand around your wrist, making you sit back down on your bed. He was right.

There was a small knock at your door, so small you would have thought you had imagined it if it weren’t for Steve turning his head to look at the door.

‘’Come in.’’ You said, sitting back down on your bed.

The door slowly opened, Bucky was standing on the other side of it. He had a sad look on his face.

‘’Is this a bad time?’’ He asked hesitantly.

‘’Not at all.’’ Steve said while getting up. ‘’I was just about to leave. Good night toots.’’ He kissed the top of your head quickly and walked out, closing the door.

Neither of you talked for a long minute before Bucky finally moved and sat at the edge of your bed.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He said, looking down.

You were surprised by his apology because he had absolutely nothing to apologize for. You moved on your bed, getting closer to him while still keeping some distance between the two of you.

‘’Sorry for what?’’ You sounded confused, and you were.

‘’For flinching.’’ He mumbled, embarrassed.

‘’Oh, James, no.’’ You wanted to comfort him so badly, there was this urge inside of you that screamed to try to take away all of his pain. Without even thinking, you raised one of your hands to his shoulder but stopped yourself before actually touching him.

‘’Don’t.’’ He pleaded, looking at you with pain in his eyes.

‘’I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.’’ You looked down.

‘’No. Don’t stop.’’

‘’Wh- What?’’ You looked up at him.

He didn’t know how to ask. He wanted you to touch him so badly, just to feel your skin on his but saying Please touch me would sound all kind of wrongs. He looked down at your hand and then looked backintoyour eyes, hoping you would understand.

Then something clicked in your mind.

‘’You-... You want me to...?’’ You trailed off, scared to finish your question. What if you’ve been reading this situation all wrong and pushed him even further away, but he nodded.

‘’Please, sweetheart.’’ He pressed, he almost sounded on the verge of begging and he would probably have felt embarrassed if he hadn’t needed you so badly.

‘’Are you sure?’’ You looked in his eyes, the answer written all over of his face. He was more than sure, he had been waiting for this almost since the moment he first saw you.

You raised your hand again and slowly moved it towards him, giving him every opportunity to stop you if he changed his mind. You first thought had been to put your hand on his shoulder, then you saw how he was looking at you and couldn’t stop yourself. Your fingertips gently brushed against his cheek, easing him into it. This time he didn’t flinch and you were so relieved, you could have almost cried.

You wanted to go slow, not wanting to scare him but the moment your fingers touched his skin, he leaned into your touch, nuzzling his cheek closer toyour palm. He closed his eyes and sighed, content. He looked beautiful and you felt like your heart was about to jump out of your chest, it was beating so fast.

You brushed your thumb softly across his cheek a few times and slowly started to let go of his face. His eyes snapped open and he grabbed your hand with his, a small whine rumbling in his chest. You took his hand and smiled.

‘’It’s okay.’’ You whispered, scared that if you spoke up; it would ruin the moment or worse, you would realize this was all a dream and you would wake up.

You let go of his hand, shuffling on your bed until your back was against the headboard. You moved around a little bit, sliding a little further down on the mattress so only your shoulders and head would be held up by the headboard and your back rested on your pillows. You wiggled your legs under the covers and smiled. You extended both arms towards him, making grabby hands and grinning.

He smiled before quickly moving towards you. You lifted the covers so he could get under them, and let them fall on his lower half once he had settled next to you. You let him snuggle against your side, almost halfof his body being on top of yours as he tried not to crush you under his weight. You watched him as he got comfortable. Now that he knew how you felt against his skin, he didn’t want to let go and he was going to be as clingy as you would allow him to be. He had spent over 70 years without being touched in a way that didn’t make his skin crawl, he had over 70 years worth of loving touches to catch up on. He had found someone who wasn't disgusted by who he was and what he had done. For some reasons he didn't understand, you cared about him and actually wanted him in your life. He had found someone who didn't want to hurt him or manipulate him. He found his person.

His flesh arm wrapped around your middle while his vibranium arm snaked under you, wrapping you completely in his arms. He laid his head on your chest and closed his eyes, listening to your heartbeat. Your right hand went to his head, running your fingers through his long hair; over and over again at a soothing pacewhile your left arm wrapped around his shoulders, holding him impossibly closer to you. You closed your eyes and felt your entire body relax.

As you both fell asleep, you knew you weren’t ever letting the other go. You fell into place like two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly. You had found the missing piece you needed, finally whole.