Chapter 22
Now (Three Months Later)
On a particularly tough night, Bucky fell into a sweaty and restless sleep. He fully expected to battle with the demons of his subconscious. He was almost scared to go to sleep on nights like this. He never knew what his brain would force him to relive - murder, violence, rape, loss. He could never be safe in his dreams.
Bucky woke up in a forest, on a bench. He wasn’t immediately aware that he was dreaming. Not until he felt another warm body beside him. And then he knew, and with that knowledge came a bittersweet tang of love and regret.
“Heya Buck,” said Steve.
Bucky melted a little. Just hearing Steve’s voice — even in a dream — filled him with warmth.
“Hey Steve,” he said. He noticed that Steve was wearing his slacks and suspenders - from the time before he was Captain America, from when he was just Steve from Brooklyn. He looked down at his own body and saw he was dressed similarly. When he looked back up, the forest around them was gone - they were at Coney Island, on a bench. It was a sunny, breezy day.
“I love it here,” sighed Steve. “This is how I like to remember us.”
Bucky nodded. “Before all the violence.”
“Before we were heroes, when we were just two kids from Brooklyn, getting into scrapes, sneaking into movies, staying up all night, just talking. I miss that so much.”
Bucky felt a catch in his throat. “Steve, I haven’t been that kid for a very long time.”
Steve reached over and grabbed Bucky’s hand. “Hey, you’ll always be that kid to me. You’ll always be Bucky Barnes - my best friend, and the best person I’ve ever known.”
Bucky tried to think of himself like that. He tried to cut off that portion of his brain that was still the Winter Soldier, tried to remember when he was a carefree boy. But it was like trying to plug a dam with your finger - sooner or later the memories flooded back in.
“It will get easier to forgive yourself,” said Steve. “It will. I just wish I was around to help you see you the way you really are.”
“How am I?” Bucky was speaking in short stilted sentences, close to tears.
“You’re an innocent man, a good man, who had some terrible things happen to him. But those terrible things aren’t you anymore. You are that good man and you always will be. And now you have the rest of your life to devote to helping people. You still have so much good to do in this world.”
Bucky looked away. “I never thought I’d have to do it alone.” He felt his throat getting hot. “Why’d you leave, Steve? Why did you have to go away? I needed you.” His voice broke on the last words. “I needed you,” he said again, almost whispered.
“I’m sorry Buck.” Steve looked like he was in real pain. “It’s my only regret on this earth, leaving you behind. I wish I’d had time to make things right with you. But I had to walk my own path. And I had to set you free so that you could walk yours.”
“Well I hate it. I hate walking my own path. I’m so alone, Steve,” said Bucky. “It’s so lonely without you.”
“But you’re not alone. You have people. People who love you. Nat. And Sam. And they will never, ever abandon you. Because I know they love you like I did - with all their heart and soul.”
Bucky was silent. The beach noises of seagulls and children screaming began to fade slightly into the background - just like an old movie scene. The only sounds that he heard clearly were Steve’s breath and his own.
“Bucky,” said Steve. “You have to promise me one thing.”
“Okay,” said Bucky hesitantly.
“Promise me that you’ll stop living inside your head all the time. Stop living in the past. I know why you go back there. It’s because the pain is familiar, it’s comfortable. You punish yourself over and over because that’s what you think you deserve. But you’re not just hurting yourself. You’re hurting every future version of you - every happy life you could lead. And there are so many happy paths out there for you. It’s easier to see things from my point of view. I can see all the things that you will do, all the things you can be. And that future is so alive and so precious. It’s worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for.”
Bucky felt the words wash over him like a balm. It was as if Steve had imbued them with a spell-like quality. It was euphoric, hearing the truth in Steve’s voice. And Bucky knew that he could do it. He could make the promise. He could live those lives, at least one of them. He could be good.
“I promise, Steve,” said Bucky.
Steve nodded, satisfied. He turned Bucky’s shoulder toward him. He pulled Bucky in for a hug. As they embraced, Steve whispered to him. “When you think of me, I want you to remember this. Remember the promise. And remember this feeling. This is what love feels like.”
“I love you,” choked Bucky.
“I love you Bucky.”
Dream time isn’t like regular time. He didn’t know how long he sat there with Steve. It could have been ten minutes, or ten hours. It was the most serene feeling he’d ever experienced. When he awoke, he felt a gnawing ache in his stomach at the thought that the dream was over, that it hadn’t been real. But at the same time, that warmth in his belly, the sensation of Steve surrounding him - it felt real. It didn’t fade away. Bucky stretched, and smiled.
—
Bucky was finishing up a session with his psychiatrist. He had talked to her about the nightmares, of course. But he also told her about the dream - Steve, and Coney Island. It was the first time he’d been able to talk about Steve to a stranger. As he talked, he saw the lines of worry and consternation on her forehead ease.
“Well Bucky,” said Dr. Raynor. “That’s the first time I think I’ve seen you look truly peaceful…well, ever.”
He nodded. “It felt so real. Like Steve was reaching out to tell me to be OK.” He laughed a little bit. “Do you believe in ghosts, doc?”
Dr. Raynor nodded. “I don’t pretend to know everything, James. If the past few years have taught me anything, it’s that there are more things in heaven and earth then are dreamt of in our philosophy, etc etc.”
Bucky nodded hopefully.
“But as a doctor…and as a human,” she continued, “I think it’s unlikely that Steve the ghost exists. What I think is that Steve the human is still with you, somewhere in your subconscious. He was your best friend, and you knew each other so well. And part of him is going to stay with you forever. The “Steve” part of you knows what you need to hear. But that also means YOU know what you need to hear. Some part of you wants to Because you CAN take care of yourself. The way Steve would have wanted.”
Bucky nodded. He stood and shook Dr. Raynor’s hand. He wasn’t sure what he believed, or what he wanted to believe. But either way, he felt hopeful. Because he was starting to believe that he wasn’t just the Winter Soldier. And he wasn’t just Bucky Barnes. He was both of those things, but also…he was Steve’s friend. And the good parts of Steve were in him too.
Outside the building, he mounted his bike, put his helmet on. Bruce Springsteen crooned at him through the Bluetooth speakers: “Don’t you feel like you’re a-ridin’ on a downbound train?”
It was one of Bucky’s favorite songs, a tune made for wallowing. But today, he didn’t feel like wallowing. He felt like soaring.
He found the song he wanted. Turned the volume up, and mounted his bike. And as he drove off, Bruce’s voice carried over the engine’s roar:
“I'll love you with all the madness in my soul,
Oh, someday girl, I don't know when
We're gonna get to that place
Where we really want to go,
and we'll walk in the sun
But till then, tramps like us
Baby, we were born to run.”